CHAPTER THREE

"Nothing unless you want to be my model." Marina said lightly. Clara laughed and then peered at her, unsure if that was a joke. Marina looked back at her.

"I...uh...I...are you serious?" she asked.

"I don't imagine you'd say yes, but you embody exactly what I want for the earth element. If I could have anyone, I'd want it to be you."

Clara turned crimson and lowered her eyes. "I... uh...I'm flattered...but..."

Marina laughed. "It's ok, Clarinha, I'm not asking." She peered at Clara's face, "Unless you want to do it. In which case I am."

"Oh..."

Marina kissed each of Clara's hand in turn.

"I'm going to see how Vanessa's getting on." she said and walked down the beach, Clara's eyes following her.

Clara stood rooted in place as a jumble of ping-pong ball thoughts bounced around her head. Like a wind that ruffled the leaves on the trees in passing, Marina always seemed to stir something in her. She chided herself for even entertaining the offer for a second. It was wild, ludicrous and not her at all. A photo shoot like the one she had had with Marina when they'd met was one thing. To pose naked as part of an exhibition destined for Paris was another. Unthinkable! She inhaled swiftly and followed Marina up to the road.

Without a model there was nothing more for them to do but pack up and return to the studio, and she set to work with gusto.

"We're going out for a drink and to plan for tomorrow if you'd like to join us." Marina asked as Clara was set to leave the studio an hour later.

"Oh no, I have to go, I'll go check on the bistro and Cadu..." Clara said as she rummaged around in her bag.

"Clara... what's wrong?" Marina came to stand against the door frame and reached out for her hand.

"Nothing's wrong, I just have a lot of things to do and since we finished early..."

"You haven't looked at me since we left the beach. "

"I..."

"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"No!" Clara exclaimed, looking at her, "It's not that I'm uncomfortable... I just, the idea of..."

"Makes you uncomfortable...I know, Clarinha, I get you. That's why I said I wasn't asking."

Clara laughed and ducked her head. "You know me too well, it seems..."

"So it seems." Marina replied, her smile pleased.

"I want you to know that... I want to do this for you, Marina, because I want to help you. But I can't... Oi! I would be so embarrassed!" she exclaimed her hand to her cheek, "all those people would see me...and Cadu..."

"Doesn't own you."

"No, he doesn't." she said soberly. "And I wish I was that brave. But you will find a model and she will be perfect."

"I'm sure she will be. Just not as perfect as you." Marina said, stepping in and tucking Clara's hair behind her ear. "I love that you want to do it for me, though. That means a lot."

Her thumb lingered on Clara's cheek and her eyes seemed to drink her in. It was intoxicating to be wanted that much, to see such desire reflected in Marina's eyes for her. It made her breath hitch and her stomach flutter.

"So will you come for a drink?" Marina murmured and her eyes shifted to Clara's lips. Clara wondered if she was about to kiss her and the thought prickled down her spine. She'd though about it so many times at night when sleep evaded her. She'd imagined how soft it would be to press her lips to Marina's. To suck that plump lower lip. To taste her. She'd wondered how it would feel to run her hands over her feminine curves,to touch the smooth skin with her finger tips. The thought excited her, thrilled her. It also frightened her.

"I really should go." she murmured slowly, breaking the silence that had fallen upon them, "Tomorrow is a very early start. You'll call me and let me know you've found someone?"

"Yes. See you tomorrow." Marina said blinking slowly.

"See you tomorrow."

Xxx

"Did something happen today at work, my love?" Cadu asked as they sat in front of the television that night. He was laid out on the couch, his legs resting on her lap.

"Hmmm?" Clara said after a moment's pause.

"You're miles away. And you've been checking your phone ever since you got home"

"Oh, things just got thrown off wack a little at the photo shoot because our model didn't arrive and it's a very tight deadline. We'll have to make up for it tomorrow. Marina is meant to call me and let me know they've got a replacement."

Cadu watched her a moment.

"That's not why you're looking worried."

"I'm not worried!" Clara said inhaling sharply and smiling. "If I was going to worry about something, it would be the fact you've been sneaking one too many glasses of orange juice and eating cheese and crackers. Don't think I haven't noticed."

"I have not!" Cadu said with mock shock, "I am a good patient. I eat everything my nurse makes for me."

"Plus a little extra." she said. "Don't! It's important you treat your heart right,Cadu, I don't want to go back to that hospital and see you so sick again, it kills me."

"You'll have to stay at home and catch me red handed before I'll admit to that!"

"I just might!"

Clara tapped his leg and turned to pick up her phone as it rang.

"Marina?" she said, pressing the red lip covered phone to her ear, "You've got someone? Oh, thank God... Well, I'm sure she'll be better than you expect...yes, that's not a problem. What time do you think...? Okay, I'll have mum pick Ivan up from school. I'm so glad it's working out..." Clara laughed and she cocked her head, "Yes...Okay, I'll see you tomorrow at 4.15, bright and early. Yes, I'll go to bed in a moment so I can be fresh. Okay, sleep tight, kisses."

Five minutes later she hung up from talking with her mum, conscious of Cadu looking at her. She shifted a little and placing her phone down, turned back to the TV.

"Come back to me, Clara." Cadu said quietly.

"What do you mean, my love. I'm here."

"You know what I mean."

She frowned and took a beat before replying "What do you mean?"

The words were said softly, sadly "I miss how we used to be."

The words hung there between them a little too long, siphoning away the companionable warmth of the evening.

"Tell me, what's going on, Clara."

"I'm here, Cadu." she said lightly, "Every day, I'm here. I was there at the hospital, I'm here looking after you, I'm at the bistro so you don't worry." She looked at him and she couldn't stand the wounded look in his eye, like a child, beseeching her for answers. "Is this because I chose to go on this shoot?"

"I never said a word about you going on this shoot."

"You didn't have to Cadu. Your face said it all."

"I want to know you still belong to me, Clara. I want to know that you are with me and want to be with me."

"Belong...?" Clara said and stood up, her hand to her forehead, "I don't belong to anyone, Cadu, not even you! Belong? We've talked about this before, I am not your property. You insult me with this word!"

"Clara – you know what I mean, I mean that you are still my wife, as I am your husband, in here." He jabs at his chest.

"Haven't I proven this again and again? I love you, Cadu. I tell you this. I show you this and still you doubt me! Stop it! I have changed. Things have changed. This happens. People grow, we can't stay the same we were when we married. And I like these changes, Cadu. I feel better about who I am. Don't make me feel bad about that."

"I don't want to make you feel bad about that, Clara. I just don't understand! These changes, they take you away from me. I don't know how to get you back..."

"Support me!" she said, "support me like I support you!"

"I do! You go to the studio and work for Marina, don't you? You're on this photo shoot, aren't you?"

"You say it as though you're allowing me to do this. Cadu, you don't allow me or not allow me to do things, I am my own person! How many times have you reproached me for working at the studio? You tolerate my job because you know I won't give it up."

"You mean won't give Marina up."

"God in heavens." Clara exclaimed, throwing her hands up, " I need you to be happy for me, Cadu, not tolerant. I need you to be happy that I am discovering who I really am."

"You're thirty-six, Clara."

"What does age have to do with it?"

"You are a mother, a wife, a daughter. You have a responsibility."

"Yes!" Clara cried, "To myself. I have a responsibility to myself to be the best me I can be."

The tears had sprung to her eyes and she turned away, Trying to blink them away.

"We can't freeze time, Cadu." she said, "No matter how much either one of us wants to. Things are changing and we have to change with it, otherwise we won't survive."

She turned to look at him, her heart squeezing in her chest. He sat there, his face turned away. He felt so far away from her and she didn't know how to reach him.

"I'm going to bed. I have an early call time." she said and hung back a second, but when Cadu said nothing, she to the bedroom.

Xxx

Clara lay in bed awake. Beside her, Cadu slept deeply and she looked at him for a long time. He was so familiar to her. The very sound of his breath was known intimately by her. She remembered the day she'd first seen him on Copacabana beach with her friends and he'd looked over and smiled. Their first date in the warm summer air in a little bistro he loved. The day he'd gotten down on his knees and asked for her hand. The first time he'd held their son in his arms. Her heart ached at these memories because they were so precious. He was precious. But she couldn't deny as she lay there in the dark that somehow it wasn't enough. She loved him so much and yet it wasn't enough to still this restlessness in her heart, a restlessness she hadn't even realised she had - to do something. And somehow this something was tied up inextricably with Marina.

If she was honest, it was in that first moment, when their eyes had met in the art gallery and their souls had somehow reached out to each other amongst all the others in the room that something inside her had roared awake and made her unable to look away. This was it, this was it, her heart had whispered but it was so new and so different that she hadn't known how to explain it to herself. All she knew was she felt more alive than she ever remembered feeling. She felt invincible and weak at the knees. It felt good. It felt amazing even. How could she turn away from that? If she had learned anything in her life it was that emotions, the ones that live deep inside the heart, they were the ones you listened to. They were the whispering of angels, the compass by which you navigated and to ignore them was to ignore God's gentle guidance.

She felt that stirring in her heart now, the one that had quietly and consistently spoken up since she'd met Marina, telling her she was more than what she lived at this moment. That there was a side to her that she needed to get to know. One that frightened and enticed her in the same breath. This is it, this is it...

She reached for her phone and sent a text;

'If you still want me to be your model, I'll do it.'

She pressed send before she could think and collapsed back into her pillow, the red lips of her phone cover pressed to her beating heart and she breathed deeply. She couldn't believe she'd just done that but it was done and she knew she wouldn't turn back. Then she turned on her side and tried to sleep.