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CHAPTER SIX
She opened the door, praying that Cadu was in bed asleep. She couldn't face him right now, her heart was too jagged and her mind too full. The drive home had been like coming out of a dream, as though she was emerging back into a world where the edges were too sharp and the colours garish. As she walked into the apartment to find Cadu lying there with Ivan, reading him his bedtime story. Seeing them there like that struck her forcibly, the full realisation of what she'd done became crystal clear in her mind. It was like a stab in the gut. Gathering herself, she plastered a smile on her face as they looked up.
"Mummy!" Ivan cried happily and jumped up to give her a hug. "Dad is reading me the first chapter from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone. Do you know that book? I like it so much already."
"Yes, I know Harry Potter, my darling. It's a great story."
"Will you come and read it with us?"
"Oh, my darling, I've just finished a very long day and I need to go and take a shower but tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay." Ivan said and then pointed to Clara's forehead. "What's that?"
"That? Oh, that's from the shoot," she said touching her fingers to her third eye and removing the rhinestone that was still there.
"You look very pretty. Did you have your make-up done?"
"You ask too many questions for my poor brain tonight! Go finish your chapter with dad and I'll come and say good night."
She was aware of Cadu on the couch watching the interaction. She stood up and as she passed him, she dropped a kiss on his forehead.
"Evening, Cadu." she said quietly and then escaped to the bedroom.
As she entered she felt her phone vibrate. She looked at the caller ID and hastily switched it off, throwing it on the bed. She leaned against the wardrobe, burying her face in her hands. When she looked up, tears were falling down her cheeks. She began to sob. Her chest heaved and she screwed her face up in an effort to stem the tears. Her throat constricted until it hurt and she fisted her hands against her eyes. Gasping a few times she collected herself and stood up, walked towards to bathroom and moments later returned to her phone but instead of switching it back on as she was poised to do, she hastily put it in the top draw of her dresser and swung back around, closing the bathroom door with a slam.
She emerged half an hour later composed but completely wrung out. She went to bid her son good night and when she returned she found Cadu lying in bed. His face turned to look at her.
"How did the shoot go?" he asked.
"Tiring. It was a very long day."
She sat down on her side of the bed and squirted some moisturiser into her hand, rubbing it briskly into her skin.
"What happened, Clara?"
"What do you mean, what happened?"
"Please, don't play games." he said flatly, "I could see it in your face the moment you walked in. And then the make-up and that jewel thing on your forehead..."
Clara closed her eyes a moment and felt a deep seated weariness settle on her. She was exhausted. Exhausted from months of worry with Cadu's heart, exhausted from working and caring for him, exhausted from fighting her feelings for Marina, exhausted from the merry-go-round of doubts, fears and culpability that whirred constantly in her head. She didn't have the energy to fight all of this anymore. It was too much.
"I was Marina's model today." Clara said quietly without looking around.
"What do you mean you were Marina's model?"
"I mean I posed for her today, for this exhibition."
"Do you mean... naked?"
"Yes. I was naked."
"Are you kidding me, Clara?" He said his voice steely, " You let that woman take naked pictures of you for an exhibition?"
Clara turned around to face him. "Yes. I let her take naked pictures of me for the exhibition."
She felt something approaching defiance. She refused to feel shame for doing that and her dared him to tell her off. Instead he was looking at her in angry disbelief. He was looking at her as though she was someone he didn't recognise anymore.
"That woman has slunk her way into your mind like a snake, Clara, she has... she has.. infected you mind - "
"Don't you dare, Cadu!" she said, standing, "Marina has done nothing wrong. She has done nothing!"
"How can you say that! She has taken every opportunity to draw you close to her, to catch you in her web, to seduce you..."
"She has done no such thing!" Clara cried, feeling her heart constricting in her chest, "I told her I love you, that I choose to stay with you. She has never once asked me to forget you, not once."
She ran a hand through her damp hair, her head tilting back to hold in the tears that threatened again. She drew a deep breath.
"Every step of the way," she continued, "she has supported me and respected me and loved me - "
"Love? Has she said she loves you?"
She looked at Cadu sitting on the bed. She could see the distress in his face and it pained her but she owed him honesty.
"Yes. She's told me she loves me."
He clenched his jaw a few times.
"And have you told her you love her?" he said through gritted teeth.
"No. I haven't."
"Do you though?"
Damn these tears! They fell on her cheeks as she looked at this man on her bed, this man who had been her everything for a decade and given her her greatest joy, her son. She couldn't understand how something like this could happen, that she could be standing here fighting about someone else. The mysteries of life and why things were evaded her, all she knew was what she felt and even that she doubted most days. Except for one thing that slipped into focus with immutable certainty.
"Yes. I love her." she said.
The words fell into the silence between them and Clara looked at her husband. His head was bent down and her heart broke a little for them both. The admission frightened her for now the words were finally uttered out loud she knew them to be true and she didn't know what that meant.
"Have you..." Cadu started and then stopped.
"No, I have been faithful..." She trailed off, her word catching on the lie and she felt a sob well up. She turned away to collect herself.
"Clara?"
"I'm sorry, Cadu... I'm so sorry..." she whispered, "I tried, I did and then..."
"What is it?" Cadu asked and Clara could feel the alarm in his voice. She couldn't bear to look at him.
"I kissed her."
The silence stretched out, thick and heavy.
"When?" he asked finally.
"Tonight. After the shoot."
When she turn around his jaw was clenched. She read betrayal all over him, accusing her.
"I'm sorry..."
"How many times?"
"Cadu..."
"How many times!?"
"Just once...no," she said,"twice."
She stood at the edge of their marital bed waiting for him to say something more, trying to think of something to say to make it all better, but there was nothing to say. The truth was what it was and to speak it would only hurt him more.
"Cadu, I'm sorry..."
"Don't Clara." he said, stilling her with a wave of his hand, "Don't say anything more, don't apologise. I can't even look at you right now. Just go."
"Cadu, can we talk about this...'
"Please go, Clara."
"Cadu -"
"Go!" he shouted, his voice startling her. The vehemence in his voice, the hard stare he pinned her with penetrated her like a knife in her chest.
"I'll sleep on the couch." she said quietly.
She took her pillow and a blanket and went to lay in the living room. She cried again for she felt as though her heart had splintered in two. Had she really become this person who had betrayed her marriage? The thought pained her deeply.
At some point she finally fell asleep.
Xxx
Three days later and Clara was in the apartment alone. Ivan was at school and Cadu was at the hospital for a check up. He'd pointedly requested she not come when she'd come back from work to accompany him. It was one of the few things he'd said to her since that night. He was well enough to get himself a taxi, thank you. In fact he'd insisted on doing everything for himself the last few days. Showering, dressing, cooking. The atmosphere between them was chilly to the point of freezing.
Clara had escaped to the bistro with relief and thrown herself into the work, trying not to think because at night, as she lay on the couch, when the hours stretched long, all she did was run in circles in her mind and it was driving her crazy.
She was now kneeling, the cool kitchen tiles hard on her knees, scrubbing the floor with a brush and bucket of soapy water. She attacked it with vigour, throwing all the fears, guilt and self loathing she held in the pit of her stomach into it. Weak. She was weak and pathetic. She was disgusted at her conduct, she expected so much more from herself and yet, despite these feelings, she still stood frozen, inert, unable to take even a tiny step in any direction. She wished fervently that she could be that old Clara who wanted nothing more that her quiet domestic life. It had been a muted life but it was peaceful. This...this was too painful.
A knock at the door disrupted her thoughts and throwing the scrubbing brush into the murky water, she went to peer through the peep hole. When she saw who it was she leaned her head against the door and squeezed her eyes closed. The knock came again. Her hand fisted at her stomach and for a moment she wondered it she would just stand there but then she heard her voice, quiet, through the door and, of its own accord, her hand clasped the door handle and twisted it.
Marina stood there, her shiny brown locks falling on her shoulders, her full lipstick red lips, sad bloodshot eyes. They said nothing. Clara drank her in greedily. Then she stepped aside to let her in, clicking the door shut and they sat on opposite ends of the couch.
Clara cleared her throat.
"A drink?"
"No. Thank you."
Silence again until Marina, her eyes on her clasped hands pursed her lips and said;
"I've been calling, Clara. Why don't you answer?"
"I'm so sorry... I...Oh God." Her face dropped into her hands. "I don't know what I'm doing, Marina..."
"I don't either, Clara." Marina said flatly. Clara looked up and saw a hard line in her weary face.
"I'm sorry." She said again even as she knew her apology was not enough. She looked down and traced the seam of a teal coloured pillowcase with her finger, unable to say anything more, feeling Marina's eyes on her, burning her.
"You kissed me, Clara. You." Marina said quietly. "I was so happy! Do you know how long I've been waiting? Since the moment I laid eyes on you. I thought you were finally ready. Finally. But then you ran away."
There was no reproach in her tone, only sadness.
"Do you regret kissing me?" she asked and her voice shook a little. Clara looked to her. She saw only vulnerability, tenderness and love there, even in this moment where she knew she deserved censure.
"No. Marina, believe me... I don't for a second regret kissing you..."
"Then why did you run?"
"You know why I ran."
Marina's face confirmed she did. She nodded and sat watching her a moment. Then she opened her bag and pulled out a envelope and placed it between them.
"This is a ticket for you to come with me to Paris for the exhibition. It leaves tomorrow afternoon at 12.30. I would love for you to be there at the opening. For you to see your photos from the shoot. To spend some time together, you and me... And I could always use another assistant out there. Come with me."
Clara picked it up and looked at it. "Marina-"
"Don't say anything yet, Clara. I can't..." she drew a breath, "I can't... I know you well enough to know that you need to sit with this, I don't expect you to answer right now. No pressure, no expectation. I just need to know you're with me, even if it's only half of you."
She moved across the couch and she reached for Clara's hand with both of hers.
"This is important. You get that right?" she whispered urgently, "I can't keep doing this. We can't continue like this. It's killing us both."
"Yes, it is, it is." Clara said. "It's just... Cadu..."
"Dammit, Clara!" Marina cried, leaning in, "Stop running away from me! It's not between him and me! This is about you and me. Stop fighting this! You felt it didn't you? When you kissed me - you can't deny that was real..."
Marina's hands were on Clara's face, forcing her to look up, her eyes searching into the depths of Clara's soul as she spoke. Then her eyes fell to Clara's lips and suddenly she was kissing her passionately, pulling Clara into her, crushing their mouths together, demanding and forceful. Clara whimpered and resisted weakly but Marina was overwhelming her defenses with her hot, insistent lips and arms that refused to let her back away. She was breathless, turned inside out. She felt herself respond as desperately as Marina, clasping at that lithe body and pulling her into her lap. She wanted her, oh, how she wanted her! Their lips parted their tongues collided. Marina's hand slipped under Clara's t-shirt and onto her bare skin and she thought she might burst.
Then Marina pulled away, breathing hard. She slid off Clara's lap, adjusting her top and picked up her bag. She looked at her for a beat, with an unreadable expression. Without a word she turned and left.