Note: It's a bit of lean chapter but necessary for further down the line - so no actual Clarina scenes, sorry ladies (and gents if there be any). But it will come. :)
CHAPTER SEVEN
"Helena, I need to talk with you, it's urgent." Clara whispered into her phone. She sat on her couch where Marina had left her not fifteen minutes ago. She hadn't moved except to get her phone and switch it on. 37 missed calls, 11 voice-mails, 16 text messages from the last few days, all from Marina. With trembling fingers she had hit Helena's number.
"Clara, my love, I'm in the middle of a mountain of paperwork, can it wait until later?"
"No, it can't, I need to speak to you right now, I think I'm going to explode."
"Clara..."
"Please. Please, I need you."
"Where are you?"
"At home. I'll meet you at your place."
Clara hurried down the corridor to her sister's apartment and let herself in. She sat, her keys and her phone clasped in her hand, staring fixedly at the door.
"Oh, sister!" she cried when Helena came through the door and rushed into her arms.
"Clara, what is it?"
Clara pulled back and she saw Helena clock her lips.
"Oh." Helena said gesturing. "You have... lipstick..."
"Oh." Clara said feeling mortified. She took the tissue Helena handed her and rubbed her mouth vigorously. "Gone?"
"Sort of, yeah."
They sat down and Helena looked at her expectantly. "So, what happened?"
Clara explained everything, from the photo shoot to Marina coming to the apartment.
"You kissed?" Helena whispered, leaning in, curious.
"Yes..."
"...Well!?"
Clara blushed. "It was...really good."
"What do you mean really good, what's really good?"
"It was...Oh, Helena! It was glorious. Heady, passionate, delicious. I mean, if she'd tried to, you know,... go further." Clara said and her blush deepened,"I wouldn't have had the strength or desire to resist. I never knew a kiss could be like this... All I can think about is how much I want to kiss her again..."
"That good, huh?"
"Have you ever felt that?"
"I have." she said, nodding. "You never felt this with Cadu? Even at the start?"
"Kissing Cadu, is...was different. It was exciting. I liked kissing him a lot but it wasn't like this."
"What are you going to do?" Helena asked.
"That's it! I don't know!"
"What do you want to do?"
"I …" Clara hesitated and twisted her hands in her lap, "I want to go to Paris. But I don't want to leave Cadu. He still needs me...I just don't know."
"You're in love with her, aren't you?"
Her heart fluttered "Yes."
Acknowledging this out loud for a second time came easier but it felt strange. She couldn't help but feel self-conscious about it.
"And you love Cadu?"
"Yes."
"Honey... I know it's hard, but it looks like you need to make a decision. You have to choose. It's not good for you or anyone around you to be stuck between the two. What's stopping you, Clara?"
"I'm afraid."
"Afraid? Since when are you afraid, Clara? You've always grasped life by the horns."
"I know! I don't recognise myself anymore! But I'm scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Scared of loosing Marina, scared of loosing Cadu, scared of loosing Ivan. Scared I'll make the wrong decision. Scared of what people will think and do and say. I'm scared of everything."
"Loosing Ivan?"
"Cadu said that if we separated he'd fight for Ivan's custody."
"Oh, Clara..."
"And I can't loose Ivan. I can't."
"No,I understand that. But if you don't make a decision, Clara – you'll loose everything anyway."
"I know." Clara whispered.
Helena opened her arms and wrapped them around her. Rocking her, she blew gently on her hair like she used to do when they were young and Clara had had a nightmare.
Xxx
Clara had finished preparing for bed. She emerged from the bathroom and went to collect her pillow and blanket that lay at the end of the bed. Cadu sat, propped up, a book in his hand.
"Cadu." she said.
"Yes." came his slow reply
"I need to talk to you."
"I think we've spoken enough, don't you? I think you've made yourself perfectly clear."
"Cadu – please."
"What more is there to say, Clara?"
"We need to discuss things."
"Discuss what?" he asked. "The fact you kissed a woman? That you love her? I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear that my wife is in love with a woman."
"If we don't talk, how can we sort this out, Cadu?"
"Sort this out? You want to sort this out?"
"Yes!"
"Why would you want to do that? You've clearly chosen her, Clara."
"What do you mean I've clearly chosen her? I haven't. I'm here, I'm trying to reach out to you..."
"Wasn't she in this very apartment earlier today?"
"How do you - "
"You don't even deny it!" Cadu exclaimed, "What did you two do? Did you fuck each other? Is that what happened? Did you call her the moment you had the place to yourself to arrange a dirty tryst-"
"Cadu, stop it! Don't speak this way!"
This wasn't the Cadu she knew, this man saying these bitter words The conversation seemed to have escalated so quickly, it wasn't meant to go this way.
"You had someone spy on me? You trust me so little?"
"I didn't need to! The footman took the pains of telling me."
"I have been honest with you, Cadu! I have not lied about my feelings or what I've done!"
"Did you fuck her?"
"No, Cadu, I didn't!" she cried angrily. "She came to ask me to go to Paris with her, as her assistant! She came because I haven't been taking her calls!"
"To Paris as her assistant!? Oh, come on, Clara!"
"Yes! As her assistant!"
"So you're just going to abandon me and our son to go jetting to Paris?"
"I don't know if I'll even go!"
"You don't know?"
"No!"
"If you go, you know what that means, don't you?"
Clara looked at him. His face was stony, resolute. She knew what it meant. She also knew what it meant if she didn't go. Both options felt impossible.
"Yes, I know." she said.
"I told you before. You choose her and I will fight for Ivan. So help me, I do not want him exposed to... to..." He waved his hand at her as he searched for words.
"What? Two people who love each other? Is that it!?"
He shook his head in disgust.
"You would put Ivan through this? Why? Out of spite?"
"No. Because I love him." he said emphatically. "And I want what's best for him. Exposing him to you and that woman isn't what's best for him."
"How dare you use Ivan against me in this way! How dare you be so selfish."
"You're the one being selfish, Clara! I'm not the one who created this situation!"
"Cadu, I can't help what has happened to me!" she shouted, "I can't help how I feel, damni t! But it's happened! I've discovered this side to me that I didn't even know existed and I can't ignore it! And I'm trying to figure this out while being here for you and for Ivan."
"Oh, what a martyr you are, Clara! Looking after your poor, invalid of a husband, sacrificing your job at the studio to take care of the bistro! Have you just been waiting, is that it? Waiting for me to be better so you can leave me with a clear conscious?"
"No! Cadu, how can you say that? How many times have I told you? I choose to be here with you!"
"And you want to be with her too!" he shouted.
Clara clutched the pillow and blanket to her chest.
"Don't you, Clara?" he said his voice dropping dangerously low. "You want to be with her too. Admit it."
The answer stuck in her throat, a thick, heavy lump.
"We can't keep doing this." she finally said.
"No, we can't" he replied.
When he said no more, she left the room, moving through the night to the couch. She couldn't sleep. She lay and stared at the ceiling in the dark, clutching her rosary, the familiar green beads comforting in her hand. She searched the depths of her heart. She prayed.