Chapter 11: Confessions Of A Werewolf

It's time. I've run out of good ideas and the pain of watching Lacey opening the library every day and living a completely different life hurts more than anything I can think of. For a couple of days I've been standing out there on the street in the morning, waiting for her to open. She often sees me and she always turns away and walks into the building without a word.

I can't do this by myself anymore.

So I turn to the one person who used to have all the answers.

"Granny?" I move into our small kitchen. Granny is at the sink, peeling potatoes. "I have to talk to you." The sound of my voice makes her turn around and she's looking at me with a concerned expression.

"Everything okay, Ruby?"

I shake my head and try to summon the courage I need for this conversation. The air is not being let out of my lungs fast enough and the knot in my stomach is still growing. I feel something close to sick.

"I have to talk to you about Lacey."

Granny puts down the potatoes and sits down across from me at our tiny kitchen table. "Speak girl."

"Yeah, um… Okay I know this is a lot, but please just listen. You see Lacey and I, we um… We weren't just friends. We were something more than that. I didn't know how to tell you, but for a month or so we kind of had a relationship. I'm sorry to burden you with this, but with the curse broken everything is different. We should all be the same as we were, but none of us are, because we have these other lives. Our real lives I guess. And Lacey, I mean Belle, she refuses to see that and now she's with Rumpelstiltskin. I don't know what to do." My voice breaks at the end and the tears comes dangerously close to overflowing. I'm afraid to move, even if it is just to wipe my eyes dry.

Granny takes my hand.

"Never apologize for telling me about your feelings Ruby. I knew about you and Lacey."

"You did?" The horror washes over me. It seems stupid that this should bother me now, but the thought of all that sneaking around and for what? I cannot seem to remember the fact and Granny has eyes and ears everywhere.

"I may be old, girl, but I'm not blind yet. Or deaf. You are not a very quiet person." The horror grows stronger. Now I just want to climb into a hole and live out the rest of my miserable life there. She has heard us?

"How-how long have you known?"

"I suspected something the day Lacey covered your shift. The morning after she received that AA coin. You have both been exceptionally cheerful since that morning. That is until the curse was broken."

"But you're… okay with it?"

"It's very… well, untraditional, but I've had some time to get used to the idea and I'm not blind to the changes she has brought on you. You've grown a lot in the last five months Ruby and you're happier. You've taken the job more seriously, you took responsibility for Lacey when she couldn't herself, you have taken responsibility for yourself for the first time. You haven't missed one shift in four months and you've stopped dressing like a drag. I'm proud of you, girl."

I throw my arms around my grandmother's neck, not caring that the edge of the table is boring into my stomach. The tears finally spill over. "Thanks Granny!"

There's a moment before the realities of my life returns to the surface.

"This still doesn't change that Lacey – or I guess I should call her Belle now, since she doesn't think Lacey exists anymore – still won't speak to me. I don't know what to do."

"You tell her what you said to me just before. We all have two lives now. You may not be a part of Belle, but from what I saw, you were an important part of Lacey. You remind her of that."

"But what about Rumpelstiltskin?"

"You fight for what you want, no matter the obstacles."

"Er, did you not hear me say Rumpelstiltskin? You know, the Dark One, the one who made the curse. He'll turn me into a frog first chance given, unless he just decides to kill me on the spot for kissing his girlfriend!" I stop myself, wondering if I've crossed some line by actually speaking of kissing girls in front of Granny, but that doesn't seem to be what's concerning her at the moment.

"Ruby, listen to yourself. This is not the girl I raised. I Just told you I was proud of you, don't make me take that back."

"Granny!" Gran is having none of it; she just shakes her head at me.

"I'll put an arrow between his eyes before he hurts you girl, but you have to fight for what you want. Talk to Belle, convince her. You can be very convincing when you want to."

I ponder that for the rest of the day. I need to find a way to make Lacey, no to make Belle understand that Lacey still exist. She can't just throw away everything; I need to not let her.

That next morning when she opens the library I step in front of her, blocking her way in. I move fast, so to not allow myself time to get nervous. I move so fast that she has to take a second to be shocked at my sudden presence, but as the shock disappears from her face a sad expression replaces the former.

"Ruby please…"

"No, you have to listen to me now. You can't do this. You can't tell me you don't feel it anymore. We had something and that didn't go away, because here I am with all my memories back and a real wolf inside my instead of a metaphoric one and still it hurts like hell just to look at you. So if I didn't have my other life erased, neither did you!"

She looks at me without saying anything. There is a quality of exhaustion about her, I notice, now that I see her up close for the first time in a week.

"I didn't have another-"

"Yes you did! Just because Regina didn't create another version of you doesn't mean you didn't live. You just lived from a blank page instead of a template like the rest of us. You were there, Lacey, we lived. We… loved. I love you." The last three words escape my lips before I can reign myself in. They leave Lacey looking shocked as ever. She starts shaking her head.

"No. Please don't…" she says in the thinnest voice, so fragile it hurts to hear her speak it.

"Don't what? Lacey I just can't-"

"Please don't call me Lacey", she whispers. I take a step back, feeling defeated. The tears are building up together with a viscous crawling beneath my skin. In that moment I'm not sure if I want to burst into tears and beg for her to reason, or burst into a coat of fur and rip her throat out. The thought terrifies me so much I turn on my heel and walk away without another word.

I suddenly feel like one of those stupid teenagers who think their life is over because their lover has moved on. They really were onto something. I've never had that feeling before. I came close the night I realized I had killed Peter, but that was still different. It was the burning despair of haven gone to hell and knowing you are to spent the rest of your days in flames of self-loathing and fright for your own abilities, right along with the sorrow and regret of having killed your lover. I don't feel that now, I just feel… empty.

Granny has brought me tea and food, when I've locked myself up in my room after shifts. At first she was all for continuing our lives here like nothing happened. "Life goes on", she said the first morning after the breaking of the curse and handed me the apron. For the past week she has mellowed out about that just a bit.

Now it seems she's had it with the self-pity though, because instead of bringing me food she walks into my room with a stern Granny-look on her face and empty hands, and tells me to go talk to Snow.

"She's your best friend, girl. Go, make a plan. Fight."

She's really all about the fighting, that woman. Of course she does carry around a crossbow every time she leaves the inn these days, because she thinks the town has gone rather lawless since the curse broke.

So I go. Snow was always one for making plans and I really do need a new one.

I knock on the door to the loft that she now shares with Charming, Emma and Henry. It's a crowded place, really.

Snow opens. "Ruby! Hi." Her facial expression immediately changes after a second look on my face. "What's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you. Alone please."

"Oh sure, come in. Charming is down at the sheriff's station with Emma and I think Henry's with them. Charming just really can't handle that Emma runs the hold thing; he thinks he should be the one doing it, but of course Emma has had more practice… I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Come sit down." She gestures towards the couch and sits down. I move more hesitantly. I'm nowhere near as nervous as when I had to talk to Granny, but this still feels like a big thing, all the resent problems set aside. I sit.

"Snow. You were the only one who ever thought it was okay for me to be wolf and human at the same time."

"Yes I know."

"I have something to tell you and I need you to accept that as a part of me too."

She wears that concerned look on her face. I tell her the whole thing. Not in the short superficial way I told Gran, tiptoeing around the details and making apologies even before finishing my story. Snow won't let me. She makes me start at the beginning, so I tell her how I met a girl with no name to herself and how Lacey came to live and work at the diner. I tell her about the feelings that I experienced, but never allowed myself to acknowledge and my struggle to get Lacey sober. She lets out a giggle, when I tell her about the day I wanted to throw David out for talking to her, even though I knew he and Snow were together. For a blissful moment I stop hurting and allow myself to smile at the memories as I relive them. I tell her about the night we kissed the first time, but leave out most of the details after I stepped into Lacey's room. Just telling how she pushed me onto the bed is making me flush as red as my old hood. Snow has a smile on her face that grows gradually wider. I tell her about how we snuck around, how perfect everything seemed for moments at a time until the curse was broken. How she now refuses to speak to me, but stays with Rumpelstiltskin, the Dark One. And I mention that I told Granny. When my story is finished the throbbing pain in my chest has returned and the smile long faded.

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know."

"Red, come on, it's not like you to give up. You have to go up against him, be the competition. If he weren't in the middle of things Lacey wouldn't be so confused. Try talking to her again."

"It's the Dark One we're talking about here Snow!" I exclaim in frustration, just like I did when Granny said something similar. "He'll kill me."

Snow shakes her head. "No he won't, not if Belle tells him not to."

"You don't know that."

"I am almost certain. I'm not saying put yourself in danger, I'm just saying fight, Red. Let him and her know that you won't back down. You deserve to be happy. It's been a long time. I haven't seen you smile like that since…"

"Since Peter."

"Exactly…" We're silent for a while. "I didn't see it coming though."

"What? That I'm gay? I'm not even sure that I am. I mean, I loved Peter."

Snow smiles reassuringly. "You're you. That's good enough for me. Like I've said before, you don't have to choose for me."

She takes my hand and I smile at her, grateful beyond words.

"Thank you Snow. For listening and… well everything."

"Anytime Red. I can't believe it's been almost thirty years since we've talked like this."

"Well, in our defense time did stand still", I point out and she snickers, which in turn gets me smiling a bit again.

"That's true. I have my grown daughter now. And a grandson. Imagine that."

"Tell me all about it", I plead. So she does, and for the time being I get to forget about my own troubles.