"Okay, that's enough," Bones growled at her. Jamie didn't think so. There wasn't a whole lot you could do on a starship when you couldn't sleep. All her work was done and she didn't want to mess up anything in engineering, so she took to sparring with people; security officers, mostly. Cupcake didn't mind going a couple rounds on the mats with her and once Spock got his sight back he was often found sparring with her too.

Jamie glared at her husband, "We're not done yet."

He looked at her, "Yes, you are. Aside from Spock, Sulu and Hendorff, everybody you spar with ends up in medical." Sulu was her partner tonight and he looked between the two of them and bowed out.

"Sorry, as much as I love ya, doc scares me," the helmsman told her.

Jamie nodded, "Go ahead." He grabbed his towel and left the gym.

Bones was watching her, "You're gonna have to talk to me, Jim. You can try to push me away all you want but it's not gonna help. Talk to me."

She looked at him, "You win, I'll talk." Jamie shifted her weight from one foot to the other. The challenge in her voice was very clear. Bones sat his PADD on the bench, pulled his blue uniform shirt over his head and kicked off his boots.

"And if you win?"

Jamie shrugged, "I'll think of something."

Jamie attacked first but he sidestepped her. She shouldn't be surprised, she taught him how to fight years ago when she was the teaching assistant for Pike's hand-to-hand combat class. After that whole thing with Viktor, she wasn't taking any chances. He had the basics; she just helped him refine them. "We're gonna run around the universe together, Bones. You gotta know how to fight a little more than you do." He rolled his eyes at the time but he did see the logic in knowing a bit of advanced hand-to-hand so he let her teach him.

They went a few rounds on the mats and Jamie lost. "You're exhausted and you aren't thinking clearly. You could've taken me down a few times if you thought about it. Come on, you need a shower and some sleep," Bones told her.

She nodded, "And your prize?"

He looked at her as they grabbed their stuff, "After you've slept, darlin'."

Aurelan wasn't the only loss from the colony. There were about a hundred people dead, people Jamie couldn't save. She knew she was letting it get to her, everybody did. The ship had taken missions in the two and a half weeks since they left Deneva but her heart just wasn't in it. Leaving her brother there was near impossible and she didn't talk to anyone for a whole day after that. To be honest, she thought Bones would give her crap about her lack of sleep and her self-imposed isolation earlier but it seemed like he was attempting to let her work it out. The whole crew felt the heartbreak that their captain was experiencing. Of all the people she saved, she couldn't save her brother's wife and it was killing her. She did everything on autopilot; even Scotty's new project didn't temp her.

They walked into their quarters and Jamie put her stuff away before heading in to take a shower. She closed her eyes and let the warm water wash over her, "You can't keep this up, but you know that."

Jamie didn't even look up, "I thought you were waiting until I got some sleep?" Bones shrugged as he stepped into the shower with her.

"I changed my mind. You can't run from me in here. You don't have to talk if you don't want to but I got plenty," he told her. She turned around and rested her head on his shoulder.

"You think I'm being an idiot, don't you?" she asked.

"For blaming yourself and pushing us all away, yes. We get it, Jim. Especially Gaila, she's still mourning for Gary. I know you got it in your head that you can save everyone but you can't. To make matters worse, you never stop to mourn for anyone. You never mourned your dad because people always bring him up. You never got the chance to mourn for Hoshi, your aunt, your uncle and the other kids because you were too busy keeping everybody alive. When Glorak died, we had to go back to class. After dad, you took care of me. Then there's Gary, Kevin, Lee and Brax. You were saving the world then we got married and you were handed a ship. You never stopped to mourn any of them and now Aury is on the list. You think that the safest thing to do is just shoulder it and keep going. But you need to stop bouncing around from one thing to the next and mourn. Cry, rage, talk... but don't shut me out." Jamie understood where he was coming from, he knew her better than she knew herself most of the time. She was running without going anywhere.

"It's easier to beat up on Cupcake then to accept that any of them are gone."

Bones chuckled, "True, but it doesn't help in the long run. Think of all the good, you saved a lot of lives, Jim. Even though there were losses, there is no way you can feel bad that you saved the boys or Earth or Tarsus... or Deneva Think about it." She did think about it, everyday; some days were better than others. Bones was right; she couldn't keep shutting down because there were too many people counting on her now.

"My heart hurts… all the time. It feels like… it feels like no matter what I do, I'm gonna lose something. I don't know how long I can keep fighting the good fight but I'm too stubborn to quit. I don't know if that makes sense." He helped her rinse the shampoo from her hair.

"It does make sense. You've given so much of yourself and there will come a day when you've got nothing left. That's exactly what I'm here for." He took her hand and kissed her wedding band, "You know, this thing isn't just about the awesome sex. It means you can talk to me about anything. Let me carry some of your burdens with you."

She smiled then kissed him. Jamie knew she was lucky to have him here with her. She pulled away and rested her head against his chest, "I'm scared that something might happen to you and there won't be anything I can do about it." It came out just above a whisper but she was sure that he heard her.

"You can't get rid of me that easily, darlin'." Bones hit the control to turn off the water and grabbed a towel. He dried her off with it before grabbing another towel for himself and led her out of the bathroom and into their bedroom.

They climbed into bed without bother to put anything on and Jamie snuggled as close to her husband as she possibly could. She closed her eyes and listened to his heartbeat as he run his hand along her back. They didn't say anything, they just laid there with tangled limbs, practically on top of each other. She felt him press a kiss to the top of her head as she drifted off into the first peaceful sleep she's had in weeks.