Chapter 16: Longings
David comes back a few hours later looking exhausted. By then my tears have dried and I can put on a somewhat composed façade.
"They're still out there, right?" I ask him.
"Yeah, they are. I have calmed some of them down, but Spencer's got his way with the most of them. Belle's father is out there with them yelling curses about homosexuals, which confused me, but-"
"Just never mind that one", I quickly tell him. You have to love David for his cluelessness sometimes. I guess Snow didn't get a chance to tell him that part yet or she decided not to.
"Anyway I might have a lead that I have to check on."
"Honestly David, why bother? You know I did it. We all know that. Spencer's right, don't let the whole town turn against you because of me."
"Listen to me Ruby", he says earnestly and walks all up close to me. "No I don't. I will not stop until I have proof, and I'm betting they will be in your favor. There's a misunderstanding here and I'm sure Spencer is involved."
"Look Spencer didn't even know that I'm a wolf, Rumpelstiltskin told him."
"When?"
"I don't know, a couple of days ago I guess. Belle just told me that he did, not when."
"But if he just found out then he could be using this. It could be a setup Ruby!" I have to take a moment to admire David's conviction and I even get out a smile. "I have to go. We'll figure this out Ruby, trust me!" And with that he's out of the door again. I fall back against the fall and let the smile fade.
A setup? I doubt it. Setups take time to plan, Spencer can't have had long. Belle left out the details about when Rumpelstiltskin told him all those things. For all I know it could have been the same morning I killed Billy and it won't make any difference. The fact that Spencer now knows changes none of the facts. I'm a werewolf. I blacked out. Billy's dead.
The thought of blackouts takes me back to the time I first learned to control my curse. When I met my mother, Anita. Another kill on my conscience. Or another addition to my criminal record as they say in this world. To be honest I don't feel as bad about that one, because she would have killed Snow, the only real family I had at the time, even if she isn't blood related to me. Still, it would be a lie to say that killing your own mother doesn't mess with your head. I still wonder sometimes what it would have been like to be raised by a pack of wolves. I would probably feel like less of a freak. I wonder if I would be me. I wonder if it would be worth the trade to lose myself in exchange for not feeling like such a monster.
For a short period of time I was happy there. I ran freely and I've never felt so powerful in my life. The invincibility of the wolf really intensifies when you're among similar kinds. Best of all, I didn't need my hood, which I hated anyway, because with the exception of the full moon I could shape shift as I pleased. Even at the full moon I was in control. I remembered everything and I hunted without killing if I didn't want to. I find myself longing for that sense of control, even if it means losing my human self.
I think of Belle's words. What if I could control it again?
I sigh. The town would never understand. Belle is immune to common sense. Snow would understand, maybe even David. Granny wouldn't be pleased about seeing more of the wolf, but she would get it too. But Snow is gone and even if she wasn't it's still an impossibly small percentage of the town. I will be an outcast for the rest of my time here and God only knows if we'll ever leave. I will be hated, feared and shied away from. I will inspire disgust and taunt, curses and profanities.
When I hear the mob of angry, scared townsfolk outside gathering, thanks to my unparalleled wolf hearing, I know. No one will ever be happy or feel safe with me around, including myself. So why do it?
Belle believes I can regain control over the wolf. Maybe I can. Maybe I can control it just enough to direct it. Lead it right into the center of town and force the town to take action on me. I can be persuasive when I want to, as Granny once told me. And frightening too.
The surrealism of my plan hits me and I laugh quietly. It's funny in some way. My mother was homicidal and now I'm suicidal. Guess we are sort of alike. Like two different branches off the same tree, both very capable of taking lives.
I hear David approaching along with Granny and I compose my face again. They can't know. They'll never let me do it.
Seconds later David bursts through the door and I try to act surprised, while avoiding the eyes of my grandmother. For the first time I remember to keep in mind that Granny is skilled at finding out my secrets. Not this time.
"Ruby, we have to move! The mob will be coming for you here. They're running out of control."
He unlocks the cell and I follow him.
"Where are we going then?" I ask.
"To the library. They won't expect you to be there."
I stop dead for a second and have to remind myself to keep going. Of all places to bring me, why the damn library? If there was anyone it would be harder to keep my thoughts from it would be Belle. Not to mention almost impossible to walk away from.
Granny is carrying chains that look thicker than those we used last night. I wonder where she got those, but I don't ask. They're hanging over her right arm, while the left hand is gripping tightly on her crossbow.
We sneak out into the late evening and hurry to the library.
Belle opens the door as soon as we get there. She shoots a quick glance at me that I try to avoid and move aside to let us enter. She shows us to a room in the back. I start throwing the chains around some of the pipes, not confident they will hold. I can't bring myself to care.
"Thanks for letting her hide here", David says to her while taking down the books in the room they plan to keep me in. "The sheriff's station isn't safe."
"Of course. It's the least I can do." I can feel her eyes on me. When I say nothing she sighs lightly and helps remove the last of the books. It's typical Belle to insist on removing the books. I have realized during my time of watching her that she's quite fond of books now. I notice the Jules Verne I showed her one night laying on the table. When she picks it up she looks at me again. I feel like her stare drains me of energy. It's exhausting enough to keep up this façade of actually trying to safe myself, but even harder to withstand the pleading in her eyes. Inside me there's a struggle between being thrilled that she has finally come to her senses about the whole thing and at the same time feeling unbelievably despairing over the fact that she only did it now, when it's too late anyway.
"The crowd's six blocks away", Granny says, interrupting my thoughts.
"You have wolf hearing too?" Belle asks.
"It's not all it's cracked up to be. Especially when you run a hotel. Sometimes you hear too much." This makes Belle shut up and despite the horror of the situation there is an awkward silence as I – and probably Belle too – think back to all the moments Granny was not supposed to know about.
David looks completely oblivious.
"The only way we'll get the mob to stand down is if we prove that Ruby has nothing to do with Billy's death", he says. Then his face lights up and he looks from Belle to Granny. "I'm gonna need your help", he says to Gran and then adds to us. "If the mob comes this way, call us." They get out quickly and leave Belle and me alone with each other.
"Ruby…" She starts, but I ignore her, focusing on the chains. There are four braces, meant for my arms and feet. I fiddle with one of the braces, avoiding eye contact.
"You need to leave", I say. "The moon is gonna be up soon."
"But will the chains hold?"
"Hopefully", I say indifferently.
"Then I'm stayin'." I meet her gaze for the first time. She has a determined look on her face. I sigh.
"I know David wants to believe the best, but I've killed before and I'll do it again, I told you. Everyone in this town is right to be afraid of me."
"Well I'm not", she says in the same tone she used in the kitchen yesterday when she implied she wanted to stay then too. What if I do? She's such a fool.
"You should be", I tell her. "It's not just a metaphoric inner monster anymore, Belle."
"No matter what you might've done in your past David sees the good in you, and so do I, so why can't you?" She reaches out a hand to touch me, but I pull away.
"Because you see the good in the wrong people." She looks at me with hurt eyes and I know that we both think of the same person. If you can even call him a person.
"I broke up with Rumple, I told you that."
"Yeah because he went all revengeful for you."
"Because he won't change. And because he told Spencer you're a wolf." That still doesn't change the fact that I killed a man, but I don't say that.
"Yeah, that was really nice of him", I spit.
"That's not the important reason. I miss you Ruby. I… miss bein' Lacey. I want to drink all the time, but the reason I do is because back then I knew, that at the end of the night you were always there."
"I didn't think Lacey existed anymore."
"She does. I just thought it'd be easier to forget. But I couldn't." She reaches out to me again and takes me by the arm. "You made me see that we're both now. I miss you Ruby and I-I want to get to know Red, 'cause…"
"What?"
"Because I love you too."
I don't speak. I don't know whether to smile or cry, because the words coming out of her mouth are the ones I've been longing to hear, but it all seems too late now. Still, I feel my body betraying me, turning the heat in my gut back up, reacting to the longing look in Belle's eyes. Lacey's eyes.
I decide it doesn't matter. I step forward and kiss her. She's with me instantly, pulling me close and tangling her hands into my hair and my god have I missed this. It's been so long. The soft noise she makes is making me lightheaded.
I feel the wolf stirring within me, but in a new way I haven't felt before. The heat is more raw and intensified as the animalistic site of my nature clouds my head and draws out a new level of passion. I turn us around and push her to the wall with a lot more force that I would normally use, pin her to it and start placing kisses and soft bites down her throat. I have to remind myself not to bite too hard. I run a hand up the back of her thigh, scraping the fabric of her jeans with my fingernails, and a low growl rips through my throat as she moans and leans into the touch. I go back to her mouth and she kisses me desperately, still pulling at my hair. For a moment she's Lacey again. She feels like Lacey.
I have to go. I bite down on her bottom lip with my teeth and it makes her hum with excitement. I feel dizzy. I have to go.
It takes a second to remember what I have planned to do. Lacey's tongue is tracing my lips and couldn't I just do this forever? No, the growling creature in my gut makes sure I know it.
I move my left right hand down her body and over to the pipes holding one of the braces, which I opened before. With a click it closes around her wrist. I break the kiss and the disappointed whimper she makes almost kills me.
"I'm sorry Lacey", I whisper against her face. "I really am." I caress her face and look into her surprised blue eyes once more before turning around and heading for the door.
"N-no, what are you doin'?"
It takes all my strength to meet her gaze this time.
"I can't let you stop me. I have to make sure I don't ever hurt anyone again. The mob wants a wolf. I'm gonna give them one." And pay for all I've done.
"They'll kill you", she says. Her eyes are pleading again.
"Isn't that what I deserve?"
"Ruby, please don't", she whispers, but I can't. I shake my head, try not to take notice of the tears in the corners of her eyes and leave the room.