Shadow and Rose

by Lady Norbert

A/N: You might notice that my dialogue doesn't always match the game perfectly. I'm sorry about that - I try to recreate things exactly, but either artistic license or faulty memory tends to get in the way. So occasionally I might have conversations in the wrong order. I hope it doesn't interfere with your enjoyment of the story.

Chapter Five: Archivist's Sash

Cut from some satiny cloth, the entire surface of this belt is covered with embroidered text in the Tevinter language.

Morrigan enjoys accusing me of contemplating my navel. She said it when we first arrived in Lothering; she said it again this morning when I was quiet at breakfast. I'm sorry if I'm just not comfortable being all sorts of chatty quite yet. I know I'm normally friendlier than this, but I'm reeling from the biggest loss of my whole life and it's still weighing heavily upon me.

Sten and Leliana haven't said much about it, probably because they don't know me well. I'm sure I'll warm up to them in time, or at least I think I will. Thank the Maker for Elissa, though, she's the only one who seems to understand. When Morrigan gets on my case she changes the subject as quickly as she can - she doesn't outright tell Morrigan to stop bothering me, but it's pretty clear that this is what she wants. Fortunately, Morrigan has just enough regard for Elissa that she yields.

I don't mind talking to her about what's on my mind, and she encourages me to tell her what I'm thinking whenever I feel like doing so. She's a very good listener.

We'll most likely be moving on from Lothering by the close of today. There are a few things Elissa wants to do while we're still here; the owner of the public house has offered some really good coin in exchange for some toxins that he can use to poison traps in his fields, and she's also accepted the request of a local Chanter to find the body of a boy's missing mother. It might be the boy to whom she gave a silver yesterday for food, but we don't really know for sure. We're trying to encourage everyone we meet to also move on, since it's only a matter of time before this place is overrun by darkspawn.

Eeeeugh. Giant poisonous spiders. I can't really blame Leliana for shrieking when she saw them. Well, the poisons for the pub owner have been acquired, and he paid us generously just as he promised. We came across the body of the poor dead woman on our way back, too, so that took care of the Chanter's request.

Happily, many of the refugees are taking our advice. I saw quite a few tents coming down as people prepared to make their way north. I wonder how long they have to evacuate. Ser Bryant, who commands the Templars assigned to the Lothering Chantry, assures us that he will make sure everyone is out of the village before many more days have passed. He's grateful for what assistance we've been able to provide.

While we were at the Chantry, I wandered around to the back of the building. I think I found the rose bush that Leliana mentioned. It sure looked dead enough, all right, and yet there was one single bloom clinging to life. It was so vibrant and lush that it must only have blossomed in the last few days. So this had to be the one that made Leliana think her dream was true. And I don't know why, exactly, but... I picked it. I cut the stem, stripped off the thorns, and hid it among my gear. All I could think was that the darkspawn would arrive soon, and it would be yet another victim of the Blight, and it hurt somehow to think that something so beautiful and fragile would be lost forever. I've gone soft in the head maybe, but there it is.

We've left Lothering and established a small camp for ourselves just off the imperial highway heading north. Elissa is studying her map, trying to determine whether it would be best to try calling in one of the treaties or journeying to Redcliffe to meet with Arl Eamon. It occurs to me that whenever we do go to Redcliffe, I'm going to have to admit the truth - to her if no one else - about my parentage, since there's a good chance of her finding out about it accidentally while we're there.

We've got some unexpected additions to our camp, in the form of a dwarven merchant and his lyrium-addled son. Bodahn Feddic and his boy Sandal were being beset by darkspawn as we left the village of Lothering, but we outnumbered them and it wasn't really a challenge to take them all down. In gratitude, he's decided to more or less...follow us around. I'm not sure how that's an appropriate token of thanks, except that he is a merchant and he's promised us a sizeable discount on his wares. Since we've kept up the habit from Ostagar of taking the weapons and other valuables of our slain opponents, this also means we always have a ready place where we can sell them.

Ostagar. There I go again.

Ah, Leliana's timing is good. She says supper is ready. She, Sten, Elissa and I have set up tents around a central fire. Morrigan, for whatever reason, has established her own separate camp with her own fire. I don't know why she insists on isolating herself. It looks like Elissa is taking her a portion of the stew, though.

She's funny. Elissa, I mean.

She ate her supper with Morrigan, although whether Morrigan appreciated that I can't say. Then she came back to the main camp and sat talking with Leliana for a while. They actually seemed to make each other smile a bit. Leliana was a bard when she lived in Orlais, so Elissa encouraged her to sing something for us. After that she went and talked to Sten. And then she came and sat by me.

"If you don't mind my asking, what is it you're you doing?" I asked her. "Going around to everyone like this, I mean."

"My father used to do the same sort of thing with his men," she explained. "He'd talk to them, get to know them, share in their concerns. Those who followed him into battle were always convinced of his genuine regard for them, so they were never afraid to go to him with any difficulty, and their loyalty was above reproach because he won their hearts. I always thought that if I ever found myself in a leadership position like that, I would want to do the same sort of thing. I want those who follow me to look up to me, but I also want them to see me as their friend."

She told me a little of what she's learned about Sten and Leliana. It seems that the reason Sten killed the farming family was in a blind panic - he hadn't meant to do it, but his sword was stolen from him while he was unconscious and it's simply not possible for a warrior of the Beresaad to return to the Qunari homeland without his sword. So he sort of temporarily lost his mind from the sheer terror, and when he came to his senses, he realized what he'd done and surrendered himself. That's how he ended up in that cage. She has promised him that we will find it, sweet girl that she is. She said he's not entirely sure he believes we can, but he seemed to appreciate the thought.

As for Leliana, she definitely is from Orlais and she definitely was a bard, but she hasn't been too forthcoming about anything else. They talked a bit more about her vision, too, and when Elissa told me that I almost mentioned the rose I had picked. I'm not sure what stopped me, any more than I'm sure why I picked it in the first place. I'll tell her sometime.

Oh. We're going to Redcliffe.

I need to find a way to tell Elissa the truth.

Leliana seems to be coming out of her shell a bit more. I'm not one for trusting blindly, especially an Orlesian, but for the most part she comes across as relatively harmless in her way. She chatters on about things like clothing and music and shoes, which I find rather mindless but it does amuse me the way it irritates Morrigan. She finally told Leliana quite bluntly to "stop talking about my breasts!" after Leliana was again going on about some dress style. It was all I could do not to snicker. Sten is considerably less entertained by the whole thing; then again, he disapproves of anything that doesn't directly impact our ultimate mission of stopping the Blight.

I think when we stop for lunch, I'm going to have a private conversation with Elissa and see what she thinks of these companions we've acquired. Sten is rigid, but reasonable; Leliana is flighty and possibly a bit unhinged; and I think Morrigan's a raging bitch and we're just lucky she seems to trust Elissa. I have to admit that they're all good fighters, though. Those are my opinions, anyway, and I wonder to what extent she shares them.

We've made camp again, and should reach Redcliffe by early afternoon tomorrow. Elissa is once again going around, now that we've all eaten, and conversing with each of us in turn. I get the impression she's saving me for last again. I think because we've known each other the longest, we trust each other more than the others, so we can converse more freely.

She's left Leliana and moved on to Sten, so the bard pulled out her dagger and started examining it to see if it needs sharpening. I guess she saw me watching, because she moved a bit closer to my side of the fire. "Elissa tells me," she said, "that Bodahn Feddic's son has a gift for putting enchanted runes into weapons. Do you think it's a good idea?"

"Well, sure. The runes come from the Circle of Magi themselves, and they can really enhance the damage your weapon can do," I replied. "I wouldn't mind picking up a few silverite runes myself - the darkspawn are very vulnerable to silverite for some reason, so it makes them easier to kill."

"I had never heard of such a thing before I came to your Ferelden. It would be nice to increase my usefulness in battle."

"You should probably get some better armor before we have to do much fighting," I advised her. She's still wearing her dress from the Chantry, and it's not the most appropriate combat gear. "I'm sure Elissa can help you find something, maybe when we get to Redcliffe."

"That seems wise. I'm surprised Morrigan is comfortable wearing so little."

"Well, she's a mage. She does most of her fighting at a distance from the enemy. She probably should wear a little more at least, though."

She nodded. "Elissa says you were training to be a Templar before you became a Grey Warden. Do you like being a Warden better?"

I was surprised that she would ask, but maybe I shouldn't have been. "Yes, very much so. I feel like this is more in line with what I'm meant to do."

"Is it hard to become a Grey Warden?"

"Well, it's not easy...though to be honest, I'm not sure how we could go about making anyone else a Grey Warden even if we had the time to be recruiting," I admitted. "A lot of knowledge was lost with the sacking at Ostagar."

"Oh, yes, she told me about that too. I'm very sorry about your friends."

"Thank you."

I think she saw that I was in pain, because she excused herself rather prettily, saying she was going to go see whether Bodahn has any runes available just now. Anyway, Elissa's making her way over to me so I should stop writing.

I'm fairly sure Elissa thinks I'm some sort of an idiot.

I haven't said much about it in this journal, but the truth is that she's been very thoughtful of me while I'm dealing with my grief. She encourages me to talk about Duncan and even smiles at my stories of the other Grey Wardens. We sit side by side, when time permits, and she just listens. It helps, probably more than she even realizes. When I think of how she's treated me, and how she treats our other companions, and how generally polite she is to everyone we meet... I really don't think I've ever known anyone kinder or more compassionate.

Well, Leliana's offer of sympathy got me kind of down again, and so when Elissa came to join me I started talking about Duncan. I guess I got a little too emotional, because I asked her the dumbest question in the world. I asked her if she knew how I felt, if she'd ever lost someone dear.

I can't forget how she looked at me - not angry, not resentful, but with an absolute ocean of sadness in her eyes. "My entire family was murdered recently."

How could I be so stupid?! The whole reason she came to Ostagar with Duncan in the first place was because he helped her escape from the massacre at Castle Cousland! Here she's been consideration itself, trying to help me through my pain, and I never once returned the favor. Maybe she thought I didn't know - or worse, maybe she thought I didn't care. It's just that I'm so used to thinking of her as Elissa the Grey Warden, I keep forgetting that she's also Lady Cousland, daughter of the murdered Teyrn. She spends so much time taking care of everyone else, and all the while she's suffering in silence, grieving for her parents and whoever else died that night. Not to mention she's also sharing in my grief, since she too lost all of the Grey Wardens. Sure, she never got to know them as I did - but that was hardly her fault, was it? She never had the chance.

I stammered out an apology and she she assured me that it was fine, but after that she left me and went to lavish attention on her dog. Maker only knows where her brother is, or if he lives; that mabari is all she has now.

No. Not true. She has me. She has me and I have her, and it's time I made sure she knows it. Andraste help me, I will do whatever it takes to make sure she never feels alone again.