Shadow and Rose

by Lady Norbert

A/N: Because jealous!Alistair amuses me so, I'm delaying the rose presentation for a bit. Also, I'm short-cutting the quest to recover Sten's sword in this chapter, mostly because to do so much backtracking in writing would annoy me to no end. (I really did recover his sword this early in my playthrough, though, because I wanted Sten to like me.) I hope no one minds that I occasionally condense some of Alistair's conversations.

Alistair's mother's name is taken from the DA novels, where it's heavily implied that his mother wasn't a serving girl at all, but he has no reason to think she wasn't. One may presume that the records he speaks of reading were doctored, either by the arl himself or by someone paid to do the doctoring.

Chapter Six: Helm of the Red

Most notably worn by Ser Ferris the Red, born of dwarven enchantment and Fereldan materials. Or so it is said. Ser Ferris was a trickster of many means, and his walk through fire took more than one road.

To be perfectly honest, I don't really sleep well unless it's Elissa's turn at watch. I would trust her with my life and no questions asked, but I'm not as convinced of the reliability of the others. So I was in only a light doze between concluding that last journal entry and the time when Leliana woke her for her turn. She always wakes with a bit of a start; maybe the nightmares are still bothering her.

I waited until Leliana had gone into her tent and Elissa was sitting by the fire, then I got up. I was determined to make it up to her for how stupid I was earlier. Once I was decent, I moved over to where she was sitting. "Can't sleep... may I join you?"

"Of course."

I sat down at just a little distance from her, not wanting to get too close (and make her uncomfortable) but also not wanting to be too far (and force her to speak loudly and maybe disturb the others). "I really am sorry about what happened earlier."

"Oh - it's all right, Alistair, really. Don't worry about it. Did you want to talk about Duncan some more?"

I shook my head. "You've been listening to me a lot, and I can't tell you how I appreciate it. But I think it's time I returned the favor. If - if you want to talk - about, you know, your family - I'm here to listen."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to."

"Well..." She looked at the fire. "I was a daddy's girl, if you want to know the truth. I adored my father. He realized early in my life that I had an aptitude for swordplay, so he insisted that I be trained right alongside my brother. I also spent a lot of time with him in my grandfather's library, reading about history and learning anything that he seemed to find interesting. He always seemed to want me to make my own choices; he was even willing to discuss the possibility of my becoming a Grey Warden, once he got back from Ostagar, though of course that all went a bit differently than we thought it would."

"Yes."

"My mother was... very beautiful. Very kind. Also a great warrior, in her day - even on that last night, she was felling the enemy left and right with her bow and arrows." She closed her eyes. "Duncan was going to bring her to Ostagar too, you know, but she wouldn't leave my father and he was too badly wounded to make the journey. So she told him to just take me - and Toby," she added, opening her eyes and extending a hand to the dog lying nearby, "and she would hold them off as long as she could to keep them from finding the secret passage out of the castle. Mother never... understood me, not the way Father did, but she loved me and she made sure I always knew it."

"They both sound like... you," I admitted with a chuckle. "No, I mean, they sound like they were really good people. I'm sure I would have liked them."

"I never knew many people who didn't. I know Duncan had a lot of respect for them. He tried very hard to protect Father, and I was always grateful to him for that. Fergus - my brother - I don't know if he's still out there or not. When I got to Ostagar, King Cailan said that he was on patrol in the Wilds and he wasn't expected back anytime soon." Her eyes were dark with sorrow. "I keep thinking of that soldier we found when we went to get the darkspawn blood, the one who said he was the only one of his patrol who survived... and I wonder if he was with Fergus. In a way it's almost better if he didn't make it; I love my brother, and I don't want to have to give him this news."

"About your parents?"

"About our parents, and his wife, and their son." She looked away. "Oriana was from Antiva - the only sister I ever had. Their boy Oren, my nephew, was a bright little rascal who wanted to learn to be a soldier like his papa. They were among the first that Howe's men killed. Mother and I found them... that's when we realized that Howe wasn't taking prisoners, that he wanted us all dead."

"I'm so sorry." Maker preserve her, this woman has been through too much.

She nodded, looking at the ground. "It's painful, but... it was good to talk about them. Thank you, Alistair."

"Least I can do. I mean... we're sort of in the same boat, you and I," I mused. "We each lost our families in the course of one night. The only difference is that your family was the one you were born to, and mine was the Grey Wardens. Being with them... it was really the first time in my whole life I ever felt like I was home. You know? Do you have a place like that, a place you call home?"

Elissa looked thoughtful, gazing at the fire. "Well, until recently, I would have said Highever, of course," she mused. "But I can't go there now - Arl Howe probably gave a standing order to kill me on sight, once he realized I escaped. I guess... I guess my home, now, is with the Grey Wardens." She lifted her head to look at me. "With you."

"I didn't realize you felt that way." That made me blush a little, though hopefully the fire concealed it. And she's right, too. If our home is with the Wardens, and we're the only ones left, then in a way, Elissa is my home, and I am hers. It's a strange idea. I've never thought of any one person as being home. But there she is.

She tilted her head back to look at the stars for a bit, then glanced at me again. "I have something for you," she said. Her voice almost sounded shy, which is not something I've ever thought of Elissa as being.

"For me?"

"Bodahn had it, and I just - I thought of you, right away, but I wasn't sure when to give it to you. Now seems like a good time, though." She passed me a small bundle of cloth. I pulled back the wrappings to reveal a puppet, and after a moment I realized it was a puppet dressed to look like a Grey Warden.

"For me?" I repeated. "Really? This is - wow! I mean - wow!"

"Do you like it?"

"Yes!" I must have looked like a buffoon, but I couldn't stop smiling. "Thank you!"

"You're very welcome." She looked happy, and relieved. I wonder if she was afraid I would think her gift was stupid. But I don't. I really do like it. Her.

I really do like her.

Oh, help.

Well, now this is going to be all sorts of awkward. I'm not good at talking to women in general. And I've never been drawn to any woman the way I'm drawn to this one, so that's just going to make it worse.

We're on our way to Redcliffe, shouldn't be much longer. We've stopped for a breather and I'm trying to scribble down these thoughts that are running like scared rabbits through my mind. Oh, Maker, I'm going to have to tell Elissa the truth. I mean, the truth about Maric, not the truth about - this. I'd almost forgotten.

Why did she have to be so pretty? And nice? This would be so much easier if she was a plain-looking girl, or had a bad temper, or something. But no, she's just about perfect, and I'm... me. Great. I don't have a prayer.

Another day of utter madness, and a night of it expected before much longer.

Well, first, I had to get my personal issue out of the way. Just before we got to the border of Redcliffe village, I asked Elissa if I could speak to her alone. Morrigan made some sort of derisive noise but I just ignored her and acted like it was Grey Warden business. Once we'd stepped away from the others, I laid it out plain. I had told her that I was a bastard already, so it was really just a matter of amending my previous story to admit that my missing father was the king, but I was afraid of her reaction. I had lied, and I hoped she could forgive me.

That she was surprised by the news that I'm actually a royal bastard was obvious enough. "Can I ask... why you didn't tell me?"

"To be honest, I don't usually talk about it with people who don't already know," I admitted. "Out of all the Grey Wardens, only Duncan ever knew. There wasn't a good time before the battle, it's not the sort of thing you just bring up with someone you just met. And afterward - well, I should have told you, but... I guess I just wanted you to like me for who I am."

She softened a bit at that. "I do like you for who you are."

Well, that was good to hear. "Can you forgive me for keeping the truth from you?"

"I think I understand why you did. It's all right, Alistair, of course I forgive you."

"Good. Now you can go back to just thinking I'm some nobody who was lucky enough not to die at Ostagar with the rest of the Grey Wardens."

Her lips twitched like she was going to laugh, but then she paused, her expression suddenly serious. "What does that make me, then?"

Oops. Time for a flattering truth to smooth over that little error. I gave her a quick smile. "You're the reason I think we have a chance."

With this behind us, we rejoined the others and started to enter the village only to be intercepted on the bridge by a farmer named Tomas. He escorted us to the Redcliffe Chantry, where I was surprised to see none other than Bann Teagan himself. Of course, he was just as surprised to see me, and chuckled when I reminded him that I'd been covered in mud on our last meeting. He seemed a bit... enchanted by Elissa, to be perfectly honest, and asked whether they'd ever met before since she struck him as very familiar.

"You might have known my father, Teyrn Bryce Cousland?"

"Of course, that would be it." He offered his condolences for the loss of her family, but then began to explain what was going on. Things are even worse in Redcliffe than I could have guessed. Not only is Arl Eamon just as sick as Ser Donall had told us in Lothering, but for the last few nights, the undead have come wandering down from the castle to attack the village! It seems too horrible to be real, but if Bann Teagan tells us so, then it must be true.

Well, of course, Elissa insisted that we stay and help. Teagan directed her to speak with Murdock, the village mayor, to find out what needed to be done. Sten objected, pointing out that this isn't directly related to our defeating the Archdemon, but Elissa was firm. "I will not forsake these people."

So off we went to see the mayor. He said that the blacksmith was holed up in his smithy and refusing to provide the weapons repairs that were so desperately needed, and meanwhile a dwarf warrior by the name of Dwyn was holed up in his house and refusing to help defend the village. If we could just deal with those two issues, it would be a huge help.

Right, because they sounded totally easy to handle. Honestly, sometimes even I don't know what to make of Elissa, but she just squared her shoulders and headed to the smithy. The door was locked, so first she had to charm her way inside. The smith, Owen, was drunk, but intelligible. She had to question him for a while to get him to start wailing about his missing daughter Valena. Seems that Valena is a lady-in-waiting to Arlessa Isolde, she who had me packed off to the Chantry, and hasn't been seen since the whole undead thing started happening.

"So if I find your daughter," Elissa said thoughtfully, "you'll fire up your smithy?"

"If she's alive - promise me," he begged her. "Give me your word that you'll find out what's happened to her."

She nodded. "I promise. If your daughter is alive in that castle, I will find her."

Sten spoke low in my ear. "How can she make such promises that she might not be able to keep? It seems unworthy of her."

"Oh, believe me," I replied quietly, "she'll do everything in her power to keep it."

With the smithy up and running again (to Murdock's profound astonishment, judging by the look on his face as we passed), we headed over to the house he had identified as Dwyn's. There was no charming her way in this time, though, so Elissa calmly kicked open the door. Dwyn was less than delighted by the entrance, and our reason for inviting ourselves in didn't go over well either. "I'll tell you what I told Murdock. I'm not risking my neck for this town."

Elissa quickly figured out that appealing to Dwyn's better nature was a lost cause, so she went for a completely different tactic. "Suppose I pay you."

"What?"

"If I pay you to defend the village, will you do it?"

She handed over fifty silvers, to which he grunted. "All right. I'll throw in with the militia - for now. You'd better be out there too, when the sun goes down."

"We will, don't worry."

Dwyn and his men headed out to join those gathering in front of the Chantry, and we started to follow them, but Elissa paused. Something in the corner of the room had caught her eye, and she moved over for a closer look. "Sten," she said, "what exactly does a Qunari blade look like?"

"My sword, Asala, has a long gold hilt," he replied. "The blade is forged of blue steel, and has jagged teeth on one side. It is an intricate work of art."

"It doesn't happen to look like... this, does it?" She turned, and we saw what had caught her attention - a very odd-looking sword.

It was the closest I've ever seen Sten to looking shocked. "Asala."

"Take it, my friend. I told you we'd get it back and we have." She passed it to him carefully, and we headed outside.

"Are you sure you're a woman?" I heard him ask, and she laughed, asking why he would ask such a thing. Sten explained that in Qunari culture, women are not warriors, and there is no question that Elissa is a warrior so he wondered if perhaps she isn't really a woman. (She is.) "I think," he went on, "you must be an ashkari to find a single lost blade in a country at war. I would thank you for this, if I knew how." And he actually smiled at her. "I think I could give a much more satisfying answer to the Arishok's question if the Blight were ended, don't you agree?"

"Absolutely." Her turn to smile.

As we walked back to the Chantry, I asked her what that meant. She explained that the whole reason Sten's in Ferelden at all is because the Arishok - I think that's the leader of his people - wants to know the answer to one question: "What is a Blight?" What Sten had said to her meant that he's decided to stay with us until the Archdemon is defeated.

We spoke to Murdock, and then entered the Chantry to speak with Bann Teagan, who was rather amazed at the amount of work we - well, Elissa - had been able to accomplish in so short a time.

I'm not best pleased by what came next. Not sure why she wanted to know more about Teagan personally, but she asked if he had any family. Okay, maybe she just wanted to know if he'd brought any sons to fight alongside us, or... or something. I don't know. He said he's never had the pleasure of being married, and that he'd think himself very lucky to find a woman like her.

You know, I've always liked Teagan, but I found myself wanting to sort of casually hit him over the head to make him stop talking.

Luckily she brought the conversation back to the matter at hand. He suggested we go up to the windmill and speak with Ser Perth, to see if his men need anything for tonight. So we trudged up the hill, and traded pleasantries with the knight, and Andraste's garters I swear every man in this country has a thing for Elissa because he seemed like he was flirting too. Okay, maybe I'm imagining it. Anyway, he wanted some sort of blessing from Mother Hannah in the Chantry for his men, something to give them hope while they fight. So it was back down the hill to the Chantry and speaking to her and then back up the hill to deliver some charms that he could dole out to his soldiers and it was getting a bit tiresome.

We went up to the little tavern for something to eat, to get us through the next several hours of fighting. Elissa left us here, however, and the rest of us are sitting around sort of looking at each other. Seems like we don't really know how to talk to one another when she's not around. She's gone back down to the village, something about speaking with the people in the Chantry. I wonder if she means Teagan.

I'm going to try not to think about it.

Only an hour or so now until sundown, when the undead will presumably make their march on the village once again. The women, children, and elderly are shut up in the Chantry along with Teagan - he's willing enough to be part of the battle but it's generally been agreed that, as the arl's brother, we need him to remain safe so he can lead the region during the arl's illness.

Turns out he wasn't who Elissa meant. She wanted to talk to the people taking refuge in the Chantry, find out if they needed anything before the doors were sealed for the night. She did meet one girl, Kaitlyn, whose brother had gone missing, and Elissa tracked down the child for her so he'd be safe during the battle. Their parents have already been killed during the previous nights' raids.

She's taken each of us aside, in turn, and questioned whether we're really willing to fight this battle. She said she won't force it on any of us, and that if we want to wait in camp beyond the village limits, she'll understand. But she can't in good conscience leave these people to their fate. I'm sure Morrigan rolled her eyes, and I have my doubts about whether Sten agreed with the philosophy either, but neither one left. Leliana insisted on remaining to help, and naturally, so did I. My place is beside my fellow Grey Warden, to whatever end. As for Toby, well, she didn't even bother asking.

Partly to pass the time, mostly out of real curiosity, I've been poking through a number of archive books in the Chantry - well, I was until they barred the doors with me on the outside. I wanted to find out if there was any record of my mother. And it turns out that there is! Her name was Fiona. Not only that, but she had another child, a few years before I came along. There's a mention of her daughter, who was more or less left to her own devices after our mother died. I have a sister. I can't understand why the arl didn't take her in too - no, wait, yes I can. She wasn't Maric's. Anyway, there's a record of her birth, and it says eventually she went off in a wagon caravan to Denerim. Her name was Goldanna - is Goldanna, I should say. And you know, I was in Denerim with the Templars a few years back, and there was a laundress named Goldanna living in the market district. It's not exactly a common name. That must be my sister!

So when it was my turn to speak with Elissa about things, I decided to bring it up. First, I told her that I will fight at her side against any enemy, and she doesn't ever even need to ask me. She looked really grateful for that. Maker's breath, her eyes are blue. Almost like lyrium.

Er, I'm getting sidetracked. That out of the way, I told her what I'd learned about my sister. I asked if, should Denerim happen to be in our way at any point, we could stop by. At least I could warn Goldanna about the Blight, if nothing else, and maybe... just maybe... I could have a relationship with her like I never could with Cailan. Elissa was very understanding (then again, when is she not?) and promised that if we find ourselves in the vicinity, of course we'll pay a call.

All the family research made me think, again, about my mother's amulet. When I was told I was being sent away to the care of the Chantry, I threw it at the wall and it smashed. I've missed it many times over the years, it was all I had of hers. Stupid boy I was. I told Elissa about it, when I confessed the secret about my parentage.

The sun gets low in the sky. Let's hope we see it return again in the morning.