CHAPTER FIFTEEN

"Dad. It's me again. Call me as soon as you get this message, please."

Marina hung up, dropping her phone into her lap. She was seated in the empty departure lounge of the Charles de Gaulle airport staring out the window at the Parisienne dusk. Planes, ghostly grey in the fading light, ferried along the runway, their lights blinking as they awaited their turn to take off. She felt strange. Like the ground had fallen away from under her and she was wondering when she'd hit the ground and how much it would hurt.

They'd picked up their luggage and headed straight for the airport with the intention of changing their airplane tickets to an earlier flight, but there had been no seats available. They'd ended up having to wait for their scheduled departure time and the remaining hour and a half stretched out, interminable.

"Here. Drink this, my love."

Clara held out a take out cup for her, sitting down and taking her free hand in hers. It was warm from holding her tea.

"It's chamomile. To help sooth."

"Thank you."

She placed it in the cup holder until it cooled.

"Did you reach your lawyer?" Clara asked.

Marina nodded.

"And?"

"I'll meet with them tomorrow first thing and they'll let me know exactly what is going on."

Clara squeezed her hand.

"It'll be okay." she said.

"I wish I could have your optimism."

"It will be, Marina. No matter what happens, it'll be okay."

Clara said it with a smile, a lightness. She said in a way that made Marina want to believe this could be true. She kissed Clara's hand and placed it against her heart.

"I'm so glad you're with me." she said and her eyes misted.

"Hey, don't cry!" Clara said catching a tear with the tip of her finger, "Didn't I tell you, tears don't suit you?"

Marina couldn't help but respond with a small laugh. She wondered where Clara got her strength from, her optimism. She who'd had all the advantages in life seemed to view the world as harsher than Clara. She wished she could crawl inside her and understand it the way she did. Maybe then the tightness in her throat would abate. Maybe the fear would subside. She'd never had to think about the future before because she'd always been secure in the knowledge that her dad was there when she needed him. And now he wasn't even picking up the phone.

Clara's arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her head onto her shoulder and murmured words of comfort while Marina cried.

Xxx

They landed at midnight and in spite of the late hour, the airport was still bustling with tired travelers. Clara felt drained from the eleven hour flight. Marina had slept a good portion of it, tucked up against her while Clara had dozed only fitfully. The rest of the time Marina had sat quietly while they watched a movie. She'd seemed unwilling to talk but Clara could see dis-ease in every line of her body and could only imagine what was going through her right now. If she could magically reach in and make it all okay, she would but instead she just held Marina's delicate hand in hers while they awaited their luggage even though she felt like people were staring, as if they knew and were judging. She steeled herself against it, chided herself and held on tighter.

It felt strange to be back. It felt almost jarring, like she was trying to fit back into a box she'd been living in for years, that couldn't hold her any longer and she was only now becoming aware of just how uncomfortable it had been. She'd been gone for only 3 days but it may as well have been months when looking at the shift that had taken place inside of her. She longed to see Ivan, kiss his sweet forehead and watch him sleep. She also dread entering that apartment and facing Cadu, facing the end of their marriage.

Vanessa was waiting at arrival gate when they emerged, her porcelain face turning sour when she saw their hands interlaced. Marina hugged her fiercely.

"I'm so glad you're here." she said

While Clara and Marina waited for her to bring the car around, Marina turned to her.

"Will you stay with me tonight? I think I could sleep if I could listen to your heartbeat."

Clara hesitated.

"You can go home in the morning, I'll drop you off before Ivan leaves for school. Please." She said softly

Clara couldn't say no.

Little was said on the trip to Santa Teresa. Marina sat in the front next to Vanessa, holding onto to Clara's hand that rested on her shoulder from the back seat. Clara heard her tiredly tell Vanessa that she didn't want to discuss anything right now. Clara watched the street lights flicker past, her forehead resting against the window pane and wondered what lay ahead for them.

Marina fell asleep easily as if her troubles had a soporific effect on her. Clara held her, rubbing a soothing hand along her back until she too drifted off. No matter what, she thought as the world blended into dreamscape, it was the two of them together, no matter what.

Xxx

When Clara opened the door to the apartment the next morning, she walked in on Ivan and Cadu having breakfast. Ivan jumped up and ran into her arms, hugging her tight and telling her how much she was missed. She crouched down and pulled him into her, kissing him repeatedly.

"Mum!" He said, wiping his cheek.

"I missed you so much, so much!"

"I though you were coming home last night!"

"It was late, my darling, and I didn't want to wake you up making a racket."

"Yeah, especially since it was a school night. Well, I would stand and talk, mum, but I have to get to school. Are you taking me?"

Clara looked to Cadu who was sitting silently at the table. She raised a questioning eyebrow and he shrugged his shoulders.

"Yes, darling, I'll take you."

She ruffled his hair affectionately.

"Good, because I want to tell you all about what dad and I got up to."

He ran to the table and grabbed the last of his toast before absconding into his bedroom to get his thing.

Clara stood up, shoving her hands into the back pocket of her jeans. She walked to the table slowly.

"Hi, Cadu." she said, her heart beating fast.

"Hello, Clara."

Clara sat down in Ivan's seat, looking at Cadu's somber face. She still loved this man. She'd wondered as she climbed the steps to their apartment if she would look at him and for things to be different because she felt so different, but she knew she still loved him, perhaps she always would. But in the same breath she also knew that she loved Marina more. It was strange and incomprehensible, but there it was.

"Can we talk when I get back from dropping Ivan?"

"I was planning on going to the bistro."

"Cadu... are you ready to be working again? Your heart..."

"My heart is not your concern anymore."

"It is Cadu. I still care about you and you are Ivan's father. It's most definitely my concern."

"I'm going to the bistro."

"Then I'll come find you there."

"Fine."

Ivan skipped into the room and took Clara's hand.

"Let's go?"

"Let's go."

He pulled her out the door, chatting about how Cadu had kicked the ball around with him at the beach and hadn't even gotten tired, about how he'd eaten at Aunty Helena's because afterwards Cadu fell asleep and forgot to make dinner. Once in the car, however, he grew silent and swung his legs, hitting the bottom of the seat.

"Ivan, please don't bang your legs like that."

"Sorry, mum. It's just I'm thinking."

"What are you thinking about, son?" Clara asked looking into the review mirror to see his pensive face.

"Well, I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to get mad."

"How about I promise not to get mad?"

"Okay, but you have to promise not to tell me off, okay?"

"I promise." she said crossing her heart and kissing her fingers. "What is it?"

"Well, you see, Uncle Nando came over last night and I was meant to be in bed but I wanted a drink of water and I overheard them talking and now I'm worried."

"Worried about what, my darling?"

"Dad was asking Nando about 'whether he could keep me.' And then Uncle Nando was saying that usually it's the mum who gets cust...custar..."

"Custody."

"Yes, that's it! I don't know what that means. And then dad said that 'I'll be damned if I let Ivan live with two dykes.". He sounded very angry. But mum, why would dad not be able to keep me? And what's a dyke? Why would I live with them and you two?"

Clara's face had dropped. She pursed her lips and gripped the steering wheel until the whites of her knuckles showed and exhaled forcefully out of her nostrils.

"Did you hear anything else?" she asked.

"No." Ivan said and paused. "Are you mad, mum?"

"I'm not mad at you, my darling. But now isn't the right time to talk because I need to drop you off at school. We will talk about this later, okay?"

"After school today?"

Clara hesitated because she couldn't fathom feeling ready to discuss this by the end of the day. But his face reflected in the mirror looked visibly upset.

"Yes." she said.

"Promise?"

"I promise." she said and smiled at him even though inside she was shaking with anger.