Shadow and Rose

by Lady Norbert

A/N: Thank you for all the new reviews and favorites! Special thanks to the owner(s) of the "datalistair" blog on Tumblr, who shared the story with their followers; I know that's where some of you found it. I'm sorry for the delay in updating. I'm in the path of Hurricane Sandy, so I've been preoccupied with that lately, and I'm trying to update this now while I can in case I lose power in the next day or so.

Chapter Seven: Genitivi's Research

Amidst ramblings about local legends and ancient trade routes, one passage stands out. "The village of Haven in the Frostbacks seems a good place to start. Pity it's not on any maps."

Andraste be praised, we survived the night.

In a way, after fighting so many darkspawn, this didn't really seem all that difficult. Maybe I'm getting complacent. The night started out pretty creepy, though. A cloud of what looked like smoke crawled along the path from the castle and slowly cascaded down the hills into the village, and the undead were on us. It took all of our combined strength, but when the sun came up over Lake Calenhad, we had all survived! Not a single villager was lost!

Bann Teagan came out and made a great speech about how valorous we all were, and then he turned to give most of the credit to Elissa. That's fair enough, really - it's because of her that we stayed to fight, it's because of her that the smithy opened and Dwyn joined the battle. She deserved to be recognized. "I bow to you, dear lady," he said. (Not sure I like that, but on the other hand I don't really get a say about it.) He said that the Maker was generous in sending her to him (I think I like that even less, I don't think Elissa was sent to him but what do I know) and then he gave her the Helm of the Red, a Guerrin family heirloom that was worn in battle by some uncle of his. And she blushed prettily and accepted the gift, but she insisted on giving credit to the courage of the men of the village and us, her companions.

There was a brief prayer vigil in which everyone gave thanks to the Maker, and then Bella - the nice serving girl from up at the tavern - came out and called for everyone to come up and have breakfast on the house. Very considerate. That's where we are right now as I update this. We can't stay long, because Bann Teagan asked us - well, asked Elissa, but she's not going without us - to meet him up at the windmill to talk about the situation in the castle. We need to get in there and figure out what's causing the undead attacks. Right now she's talking with the girl Kaitlyn, the one whose brother she found yesterday. The two are orphans now, and their only hope of staying together is to travel to Denerim in a caravan to stay with relatives, but it costs money they don't have. I'd wager anything I own that I know what Elissa will - yes, there she goes, she just handed over a sovereign.

I didn't realize it, but Sten's watching her too. "An honorable gesture," he said.

I think Sten's actually grown fond of Elissa. That's interesting. It doesn't seem to be romantic, or at least not in a way that we'd recognize as romantic here in Ferelden; mostly he just seems to have stopped challenging a lot of her decisions.

Ah, she's ready. To the windmill, then.

Back in camp, and things are just getting progressively stranger.

We met Bann Teagan at the mill, as he requested, but before we could work out any sort of plan, Lady Isolde came running up to beg him to return with her. She said she thinks Connor might be going mad. Connor, of course, is her and Arl Eamon's son; I've only seen him once or twice, I barely know him. But I know enough of him to know that he's pretty much the center of his parents' lives.

She wasn't thrilled to see me. She also refused our offers to come back to the castle with them.

Teagan was smart enough to know something wasn't right. He gave Elissa his signet ring and told her to use it to enter the hidden passage inside the mill, a secret known only to the Guerrin family. All noble households have secret escape passages, of course; Elissa knows that well enough, after her own escape from Castle Cousland. Oh, I hope this wasn't a painful reminder. Anyway, he told us that once we were inside, we should open the gate to let Ser Perth and his men inside to assist with whatever the situation turned out to be.

It wasn't too hard for us to get in, although we did encounter some more undead on the way. We also encountered a blood mage locked in a prison cell. He gave up quite a bit of information - it turns out that Connor is a mage! Lady Isolde's family has a fair few mages, and I guess he inherited the skill, but she didn't want him taken away by the Circle so she recruited this apostate Jowan to tutor him so he could learn to hide it. This turned out to be a really bad idea, because not only is Jowan wanted by the Circle, but he was hired by Loghain to poison Eamon! That's why he's so sick! Worse, Connor doesn't have a good grasp of his powers, and he accidentally pulled something through the Veil. It's taken control of his body.

Elissa let Jowan go, which I kind of questioned (since he is a wanted man) but she said she couldn't bring herself to kill him, nor leave him to be killed by any wandering undead. I guess I understand that. He ran off, and who knows where he is now.

We continued through the castle. In another room we found Velanna, or whatever her name was - the smith's daughter that Elissa promised to find. Well, she kept her promise. The girl's run back to the village to let her father know she's okay. We got to the courtyard and opened the gate for Ser Perth and his soldiers, and they joined our exploring party. Finally we got to the great hall, and... Maker, that was bizarre. The demon that's possessing Connor had turned Teagan into some kind of mad jester, and he was cavorting all over the place doing wild tumbles and tricks. It was unsettling, actually. And then we entered, and the demon fixated on Elissa at once. (Maybe I should stop letting her walk in front.) "So... these are our visitors. The ones you told me about, Mother. And this is the one who defeated my soldiers? The ones I sent to reclaim my village?"

"Y-yes."

"Now it's staring at me! What is it, Mother? I can't see it well enough," he demanded.

"This is a woman, Connor. Just as I am." I felt sorry for Lady Isolde, she sounded so tired and afraid.

"You lie! This woman is nothing at all like you!" I tried to move to shield Elissa, but she put a hand on my arm to keep me from doing so. "Why, just look at her!" continued the demon. "Half your age, and pretty too. I'm surprised you don't order her executed in a fit of jealousy!"

That was unduly harsh, I thought. Lady Isolde is not my favorite person by a long shot, but she's not that unreasonable. At least, I don't think she is... anyway, she begged him not to hurt anyone. And suddenly he put a hand to his eyes, and started asking her what was happening. His voice changed; when the demon had spoken, the voice had an echo-y sort of sound to it, but now he sounded like a normal boy. I guess Connor has moments where the demon's grip loosens. Poor Isolde thought that maybe he'd broken through for good, but a moment later the demon was back and all but threatening her.

"Maker's breath, what's happening here?" Ser Perth asked.

For the first time, Lady Isolde looked at us, and addressed herself to Elissa. "Grey Warden... please, don't hurt my son! He's not responsible for what he does!"

Apparently, at least according to Isolde, the mage Jowan summoned a demon. Connor wanted to help his father, so he somehow ended up agreeing to be possessed in exchange for Eamon's life. The demon protested that it was a fair deal, since Eamon still lives, and meanwhile it's Connor's turn "to sit on the throne and send my armies to conquer the world! Nobody tells me what to do anymore!"

Teagan parroted this, and cackled. That man should not cackle. Funny thing, the demon seemed to agree with me, because he told Teagan to be quiet. Then he said he'd give Elissa the audience she wanted, and asked why she had come.

"I came to help, if I can."

"To help me? To help Father? To help yourself? Which?"

"To help the arl, of course."

"So you're a concerned well-wisher." I can't decide even now if the demon was being serious or sarcastic, honestly. "Why didn't you say that in the first place? All this sneaking around and killing is so unnecessary! But Father is so very ill, we really shouldn't disturb him. Isn't that right, Mother?"

"I... I don't think..."

"Of course you don't! Ever since you sent the knights away, you do nothing but deprive me of my fun. Frankly, it's getting dull." He - it - looked at us again. "I crave excitement and action! This woman spoiled my sport by saving that stupid village, and now she'll repay me!"

And with that, the great hall turned into a free-for-all. Teagan and several of Eamon's soldiers, clearly still under the demon's control, attacked us. It wasn't too hard for us to dispatch them, but I had to hit Teagan pretty hard and I felt guilty. The weird part is that even though the demon wanted the fight to happen, Connor hates violence and ran out of the room to hide in his own chambers. So he didn't even stay to watch.

That was a good thing in its way, though, because it released Teagan and the soldiers from the demon's grip. Poor Bann Teagan apologized profusely, even though it wasn't his fault, and then he and we and Lady Isolde had a discussion about what to do. In essence, there were three options before us - kill Connor, or track down that mage Jowan and try to make him undo what he'd done, or go to the Circle of Magi for help. None of us were very enthusiastic about killing a child, and Jowan's probably a lost cause, and we need to go to the Circle anyway because of the treaty so that makes the most sense.

Elissa talked to Isolde a little bit about the quest on which she sent the knights. She agreed that reviving Arl Eamon does have to be made a priority, and that we would do what we could to assist. When we met with Ser Donall in Lothering, he mentioned a Brother Genitivi in Denerim, whose research was important to the search for Andraste's ashes. So we're on our way there first, rather than directly to the Circle of Magi. It's a little bit out of the way, to be honest, and if I didn't know better I'd almost think Elissa was doing this just so I could meet with Goldanna at the first possible opportunity.

She wouldn't do that, right? I mean, that can't be the reason, can it?

Maybe it was. I don't know.

What I do know is that upon our arrival in Denerim, the first order of business was to find the home of this Brother Genitivi. We almost didn't get there, because one of Loghain's soldiers - I forget the name, Ser Something or Other - ambushed us and tried to challenge Elissa to honorable duel. He claimed that he was a friend of some of those who died at Ostagar and blamed the Grey Wardens, specifically her, for their deaths. (You know, I can't decide if I'm insulted or relieved by all these people who either don't know or forget or just plain ignore the fact that I'm a Grey Warden too.) Anyway, she refused to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent, and chased him off. He said it won't be the last we see of him.

Well, with that done, we found Brother Genitivi's place just off the market district. He wasn't there, but his assistant Waylon was. Nervous-looking fellow. The way he kept glancing around while he talked made me wonder if he wasn't keeping something from us. He said we should go to Lake Calenhad, because his master was heading there and planning to stay at some inn. That's kind of convenient, in its way, since we have to go to Lake Calenhad to get to the mages' tower anyway.

We passed through the marketplace, picked up a few odds and ends - food, mostly - and then I saw the laundress's shop. "Elissa? Can I have a word?"

"What's on your mind, Alistair?"

"That's my sister's house." I pointed. "I'm almost sure of it. This is the right address. She could be inside... could we go and see?"

"Wouldn't you rather meet her on your own?"

I started babbling, because that's just what I do. I admitted I was nervous. Sister is a funny word. Oh, Maker, I don't know half of what I said, but I do know that I all but begged her to go with me. I didn't really want the whole group to go, but having Elissa at my side just always seems to bolster my courage. So she asked the others to wait in the market, and she and I went into the house.

Goldanna's a pretty woman - not as pretty as Elissa, being older and kind of careworn, but still pretty. There's a hint of something elvish in her features. She thought we were there to have laundry done, and I apologized for the mistake. "My name's Alistair. I'm - well, this may sound sort of strange, but - are you Goldanna? If so, I suppose, well, I'm your brother."

At first she seemed mostly confused. Then suspicious. And then, when I mentioned our mother serving at Redcliffe Castle, she got this terrible look on her face. "You!" she cried. "They told me you were dead! They told me the babe was dead along with Mother, but I knew they was lying!"

"They told you I was dead?! Who told you that?"

"Them at the castle! I told them the babe was the king's, and they said it was dead! Gave me a coin to shut my mouth and sent me on my way!" I couldn't tell if she was angry or trying not to cry. Maybe both. "I knew it!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that. The babe didn't die... I'm him. Your brother."

I don't know what I expected, really. I guess I expected her to hug me, tell me she was glad I was alive, tell me about our mother. None of that happened. She started ranting about how hard her life has been since then, how she has children to support (though I didn't see any evidence of children in the room) and that I killed our mother.

It was that last bit that hurt, and maybe it showed on my face, because that's when Elissa decided to speak. "That's hardly Alistair's fault."

"And who in the Maker's name are you?" Goldanna asked her. "Some tart following after his riches, I expect?"

Up to that moment I'd really started to feel sorry for her, but she ruined all my sympathy with that comment. No one had ever dared to be so rude to Elissa in front of me before, and I have to admit I'm actually a little surprised by just how angry it made me. "Don't speak to her that way! She's my friend, and a Grey Warden just like me!"

Goldanna was not impressed. "Oh, I see. A prince and a Grey Warden too - well, who am I to think poorly of someone so high and mighty compared to me? I don't know you, boy. Your royal father forced himself on my mother and took her away from me." I somehow doubt that's how it really went down, but she was only a child at the time and I can't blame her for being angry about that. She went on, "And what do I have to show for it? Nothing! They tricked me good, I should have told everyone! I've got five mouths to feed, and unless you can help with that, I've got less than no use for you."

It amazes me that I can write down everything she said. It's still ringing in my mind with crystal clarity. I stammered out an apology, but I couldn't very well give her the companions' communal money. Then she demanded that I go to "whatever high and mighty folk you run with" and tell them that my nieces and nephews aren't living like they deserve.

"It looks like all she wants is your money," said Elissa quietly. "Well, maybe we can do something for them somewhere along the way."

It did look like that and I couldn't help agreeing. "I'm starting to wonder why I came."

"I don't know why you came either," Goldanna snapped, "or what you expected to find, but it isn't here. Now get out of my house, the both of you."

We left. Maybe I'm just not meant to have a real family; my brother barely knew me and my sister doesn't want to know me. "That shrew is my sister?" I asked Elissa as we walked back toward the market. I wasn't quite ready to face the others just yet, and I slowed my steps so she would slow likewise. "I guess I expected her to accept me without question - isn't that what families do? I feel like a complete idiot."

"You're not an idiot. I'm sorry it happened that way," she said gently. "But the reality is that most everyone is really out for themselves. You're going to have to learn that - you need to put yourself first a bit more often."

"Yes... I suppose you're right. Let's just go; I don't want to talk about this anymore."

We collected the others and returned to camp, and I kept quiet. I wanted to think about what Elissa had said.

She makes a good point. I mean, it's been my own experience that people really do often put themselves first. Arl Eamon raised me, and I won't say he wasn't kind to me, but why did he do it? Because I was the king's son. He probably wanted to have influence at court in the event that I ever had to take the throne, not that this is going to happen. Duncan was good to me too, and probably the only real father figure I ever properly had, but he took me from the Chantry for his own purposes. Flemeth saved my life - who knows why? She's got some plot in mind, I'm sure of it, and that's the real reason she sent Morrigan with us. Sten joined us because he would have died otherwise. Leliana - well, I'm still not convinced of her sanity. Even Bodahn Feddic is only helping us because he profits from our business, really.

And I'm thinking of other examples now too, examples that don't affect me directly. Ser Jory, for instance. He agreed to join the Grey Wardens because he wanted glory and prestige. When it came to making actual sacrifice, he panicked and tried to withdraw.

Truth is, this is a selfish, selfish world. And I guess if I want to survive in it, I've got to be a little more selfish too.

After dinner, once Elissa had made her usual rounds (and, I suspect, fended off a few questions about what had happened in Denerim), she came and sat by me. "How are you feeling?"

"I've been thinking," I told her. "Back when we left Goldanna's, you told me I need to look out for myself more. I'm beginning to think you're right."

"Oh yes?"

"I need to stop letting everyone else make my decisions for me." In a way, that's all I've done through my whole life. "I need to take a stand and think about myself, or I'm never going to be happy."

"As long as you continue to listen to me, you'll be fine," she said teasingly. More seriously she added, "That's a wise decision, Alistair. I want you to be happy."

I looked at her for a moment. "You were wrong about something, though."

"About what?"

"You said that everyone is out for themselves."

"Yes, pretty nearly everyone."

"Not everyone is like that. You're not like that."

"Oh, well..." She looked a bit flustered. "There are things I want too, you know."

I hope she tells me what they are sometime. "Well, I just wanted to thank you. Being with you is the one bright spot out of everything that's happened."

She bit her lip. I never saw her do that before, and I couldn't stop staring at her mouth. "I feel the same way."