Chapter 20: Old Habits Die Hard

The rest of the day I'm as useless and broken down as ever. Granny has received the new freezer and has asked me to help set things up, but every so often she has to come pull me up from whatever corner I've been sitting in, staring into space, trying not to cry and failing miserably.

At last she's had enough.

"Alright girl, this can't go on. Tell me what happened." She says as she pulls me out to the back where the others can't hear us.

"It doesn't matter, there's nothing to do anyway", I cry, horrified at the thought of telling Granny how my ex-girlfriend seduced me after I found her drinking, because I drove her to it, and then instead of being the responsible one and putting her to bed, so we could wake up to an adult conversation I slept with her. I mean she's been great about the whole dating-a-girl-thing, but this? This is crossing the line.

"Doesn't look like nothing to me."

I sigh, knowing that I have to say something.

"Lacey… Belle's drinking again." It sounds weird to say, because Belle never really drank, even though she told me she had the cravings. There's an appropriate amount of disbelief on her face that I'm hopeful she'll just let it drop here, but I'm wrong.

"And you got her home? Gods, you have to make sure she joins those meetings again." I nod mutely, but she's still not done. She catches my eyes again. "Then what happened, Ruby? Her drinking never upset you to this degree." Oh god.

"Well, I got her home and she was drunk and I really tried not to, but um... we... And we were supposed to talk it out, but instead… well…" I can't say the words, but judging by Granny's change in facial expression she catches my drift.

"Ruby, you shouldn't have done that."

"I know! And then we had a huge fight, because she thinks that all of it is my fault." I start crying again.

"You shouldn't have left her chained in the first place."

"God, don't you think I realize that? I wasn't thinking! Please stop pointing fingers and help me out here!" I start walking around in the room unable to just stand there and look at her judgmental expression.

"First things first, girl."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Make sure she gets help. She won't want it from you right now, but make sure she gets it."

"I know, you said that. Not that I didn't think about it, you know."

"Don't use that tone with me girl, you're the one in trouble here." I look at her disbelievingly. Does she enjoy making me miserable right now? "Then you talk to her. Explain everything to her. I personally can't fathom why you would go to such lengths to settle whatever debt you think you're in with the town, but gods know you must have a reason. Make her understand and once she does, I guess you'll see." It occurs to me just how angry Granny is with me for the stunt I pulled with the wolf, but to my luck she has apparently decided not to take it out on me just yet.

I nod in understanding.

"Good. Now can we get the rest of the foods back in the freezer, before the last bit of it spoils?"

"Yes. Granny?" She turns around again and looks at me. "I love you. And I'm really sorry I put you through this."

She smiles. "I love you too girl. And I'll get over it. Now, come on. The faster we're done, the faster you can go find your girl."

For the next nights I keep a close eye on the Rabbit Hole along with every other bar in the town. It's not unlikely that if she's desperate enough to avoid me, she would get out her comfort zone and drink somewhere else. I don't see her though. Not anywhere. I even check the liquor stores in town to see if she goes in there. It would be easy to pick up her scent, now that I'm so accustomed to it. And just got a refresh, I think to myself, not without a jab of guilt.

She's nowhere to be found. I knock on her door a couple of times afraid that she's passed out in there somewhere, but she never opens. That doesn't settle my nerves though, but I figure it would just make matters worse if I break down her door. So I don't.

At last I decide to check with her sponsor. She might have contacted him again. They had sort of a great relationship, those two. Lacey told me – back when she was just Lacey – that they experienced a lot of the same problems. The inability to sleep for one thing.

If the schedule hasn't changed there's an AA-meeting tonight, so I go there and sit outside the room listening until they're done. I can't hear Belle in there, but maybe Nathan knows something, so I stick around.

When the door opens and the small group of people comes out, a few of them say hello to me. Some of the old ones have rejoined, it seems, probably because they – like Belle – realized their demons didn't go away with the curse. I say hello back without looking at their faces, too focused on spotting Nathan.

Instead I find Belle.

"Belle, you're here?"

She scoffs. A sound very unlike her. "You really think I'm so stupid I can't recognize my own pattern, when I see it? Or so helpless I can't act on it?" Her voice is so cold it hurts. A few of those, who use to see us meet here under much warmer atmospheres, steals surprised glances, but don't say anything.

"No, that's not what I meant. I just couldn't hear you in there."

"Well, I just didn't talk. Are you stalking me now?"

"No!" Yes. "I just want to talk."

"I don't." She walks away. I debate whether to go after her or not, but decide against it. Maybe small steps are better. It hurts like hell, but it might be a better way to get her forgiveness. At least now I know she's helping herself get better. First thing's first, as Granny put it. That has to be some consolation, even though I don't feel the slightest bit comforted at the moment.

The next week thereafter I have no luck whatsoever. Every time I try to talk she walks away, only hearing the first two words of my explanation, which is usually 'I'm sorry' or 'please listen'. Not much to go on.

I really do start to feel like a stalker. I feel like a crazy person. It's not like me to behave this way, but how else am I going to get close enough to her to actually talk? She didn't have a phone before the curse and I'm sure Gold didn't plan to give me the number to the one she has now.

The worst part of it is being alone with all my guilt and despair. Granny can only give me so much advice and there's still no hope of getting Snow back anytime soon. David is working on it like a horse, and I try to stay away, because they don't really need me for now. They're talking about putting him under a sleeping curse, just like the one Snow went under, so they can communicate. This involves a lot of talking to the Dark One, so we all think it's best if I stay away.

"You seem to be very skilled at pissing off the Dark One, it's likely we'll do much better without you", as Regina so kindly put it. So I stay away, wandering aimless around the town when Belle's working. To be fair I work a lot myself. Granny doesn't seem to think that heartache categorizes as long-term illness and she has put me on double shifts.

"It'll take your mind off things", she said. I didn't disagree.

The nights I don't work I usually spend trying to figure out how to get Belle to forgive me. Sometimes, like tonight I just wander around town hoping to run into her or that the surroundings will offer me some great epiphany on how to get her to talk to me.

Then as I walk down the far end of town I see her. Coming out of Gold's shop. I'm standing in front of her before I know it.

Belle gasps in surprise.

"Ruby! What are you doin' here?" She's so taken aback she forgets to use that cold foreign tone.

"Are you back together with him?" I demand, having lost every shred of delicacy on the topic.

She takes a moment to gather herself, and then the cool stare returns.

"What if I was?"

"What? You can't be serious?" My blood starts to boil. How many times can she rebound between us? "Wasn't he cruel to you? Didn't he betray your trust? You're gonna throw me away for a man who treats you like that? Are you serious?"

She scoffs. She does that a look these days. I find that it doesn't suit her at all.

"Never said I was. I was just in there as a favor for David. But just to be clear: You leaving me the way you did after I put my trust in you, feels a bit like a betrayal to me. And leaving me to wait for someone else to come tell me you're dead, is pretty cruel too, so how much different are you really?"

I kick myself internally for not foreseeing that one. She's right of course.

"God, I know. I shouldn't have said that."

"No."

"But, Belle, please let me explain. I didn't do it so hurt you for God's sake!"

She narrows her eyes and then starts to leave.

"Belle, please!"

She stops. Thank God, she's stopped. There's a first.

"Explain this to me then…" She says and then turns around again. I nod eagerly. "One thing that's been buggin' me, Ruby, is why then? Why would you possibly want to kill yourself? I don't understand. I told you I love you and your first impulse's to go get yourself executed?"

For some reason the anger is heating back up. She's finally letting me explain and all I think is why is she making this about herself?

"God, Belle, did you even consider that maybe that wasn't about you? Did you think that it was maybe because I was just sad in general and that I was tired of everyone hating me and being afraid of me? You know, before the curse it took me a long time to stop thinking of myself as a monster, but I finally got there and then this happens and once again I'm out of control. I thought I killed Billy! Everything pointed to me, I even thought I could smell the air from the ocean during the glimpses I got, when I turned the first time, so how could I not believe it? I feel horrible for having put everyone though that, put to be honest I wasn't thinking very clearly during those days! I would still have done it if you hadn't been there. If you really must know, I almost didn't do it because of you. Because you were standing there with that… look in your eyes. And those things you said. But that didn't change the fact that I was convinced I would just end up killing you too! So yeah, that part was about you. Do you honestly think I could live with myself, if I hurt you like that? Just the thought, God! It was too much okay? There, you happy now?!"

She says nothing, but stares at me looking slightly shocked at my sudden outburst. My throat feels dry from yelling so much. I think for a moment and then add: "And I'm sorry my self-control is as bad as yours, but it was just because I miss you so god damn much!"

My throat really aches now, mostly because I'm trying to hold back tears. I feel like if she leaves now I've really lost her.

"I…" She says slowly. "Think I understand better now."

I sigh in relief.

"Thank god."

"I'm really glad you're okay, Ruby." She smiles a little and then her arms are around me in a tight hug. The smell of her fills my nose and her hair blocks my view. Every sense I have is taken up by her. Lacey…

"What?" She pushes me away. "You called me… Lacey?"

I look into her eyes with confusing, realizing I said her name out loud. Or what used to be her name.

"Um, I guess I did. Sorry?"

I try to get close to her again, but she resists me. Then takes a step back.

"I'm not sure I can do this."

There's a creeping panic attack zoning in on me, I can feel it.

"Do this, what , what do you mean?"

"You don't know me. The real me. Lacey's all I'll ever be to you."

"My God, Belle, we have been over this-"

"No, I get that both sides are real okay, but you only know the one. I can't be with you, if you'll only acknowledge the one you know. I need…" She starts backing away. When I walk towards her she puts out her hand in front of her.

"Belle, what the hell?"

"I need some time."

Then she turns around and leaves.

"Belle!" She runs. She's running from me. I've lost her.