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CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Clara marched between the tables to the bar of the bistro, her bag swinging in her hand. She dumped it with a thud on the granite counter top, making Cadu look up from his paperwork with a start.
"Do you know what Ivan asked me on the way to school, Cadu?" she asked through gritted teeth
"What?"
"He asked me why you were asking Nando about whether you could keep him and why you were saying he might live with dykes. What the fuck, Cadu!? We now need to sit our eight year old son down and tell him something we haven't even discussed yet!
"Calm down, Clara!"
"Calm down? Calm down!? Cadu, we need to tread carefully with this, we need to protect Ivan – this is not protecting him!"
"Clara, lower your voice, there are customers here." Cadu hissed, grabbing her arm and pulling her into his small, windowless office to the side of the kitchen and closing the door. She shook his hand off.
"I didn't know Ivan had heard anything." Cadu said
"Well you shouldn't have been speaking to Nando in the first place, should you?"
"Why the hell not, Clara? My wife had just run away to be with her...lesbian lover..." he spat the words out with disdain, "and I'm supposed to stay at home like a good husband and wait? I told you what would happen if you decided to go to that woman!"
"You would drag Ivan through this?"
"I'm not dragging him through anything. You are. You are, damn it! Take responsibility for your actions, woman! All of this is your doing."
"Don't you dare insinuate that I haven't had Ivan at the front and center of my decisions through all of this. I've though about little else but that and you know what? I decided that me being happy" Clara said, slapping the palm of her hand to her chest, "would be the best thing for Ivan. Because don't think he hasn't felt how bad things have been between us! He knows – but he's too young to understand. And you want to make things worse by trying to get sole custody?!"
"If it'll keep him away from...her."
"Oh my god, She has a name, Cadu!" she cried.
"I won't have my son live in the same house as that woman."
"Who said anything about Ivan living in the same house as Marina?" She asked, incredulous.
"Well what is going to happen? Huh? Where you going to live now, if not with Marina, because rest assured, we don't have the money to pay for a second apartment."
"I'm not going to move in with Marina right this second, we've barely begun to see each other-"
"Oh spare me the details!"
"Cadu! Stop being a petulant child!" Clara shouted, "This isn't about her! This is about us! We need to discuss this, if not for us, then for the sake of our son!"
Clara banged her her fist against the bookcase as she spoke, making a large recipe book tumble to the floor. Tears felt hot in her eyes and she wanted to scream at Cadu for being such a selfish prick but she knew he was just hurting. He was lashing out. She only hoped that his stubbornness wouldn't push him to do something stupid. Cadu was clenching his jaw, his arms on his hips and he looked like he wanted to snap back a retort, but instead he stooped down to pick up the book, smoothing his hand over it before placing it back on the shelf. He leaned back against his desk and put his head in his hand and sat still a moment.
"Fine." he said, "Let's discuss this."
xxx
"How did it go, Marina?"
"It was awful."
"Tell me. Tell me everything."
Marina sat curled up her favourite swivel chair on the phone to Clara. She'd just returned from her lawyers visit with Vanessa. They'd sat, dwarfed at the executive meeting room table, an ostentatious floral arrangement and a fruit basket on the side table, tea and coffee freshly made and a mini-fridge full of refreshments while the lawyer and accountant laid out just how destitute they now were.
"They've seized everything. The house, the studio, my bank accounts... We have a few days and we have be to out of here and I can only take personal effects."
"What about the studio equipment?"
"They said that everything bought with dad's money, we have to leave."
"Oh, my love. I'm so sorry."
"God, how I wish I had not frittered away the money I earned over the years on silly, silly things...I don't know what I'm going to do!"
Marina slid into her chair trying to control her breath, trying to be strong, but feeling as though she was failing miserably. She felt a weight on her heart and there was a lump in her throat that throbbed.
"You're going to take a deep breath and you're going to pack your things and figure out a way to get everything back."
"I don't think I can get anything back, Clara. They hesitated to come and seize it for so long because they wanted iron clad proof that this came from dirty money. I can't believe dad would do this!"
"Have you spoken with him?"
"I still can't get hold of him. Or his assistant. I don't know if he's ignoring my calls because he's ashamed or because he's run off."
"I hope you get to speak to him soon."
"Hopefully."
They were silent a moment.
"What is it, Marina? What's wrong?" Clara asked.
Marina paused. She should have guessed that Clara would feel it like she had intuitively felt her so many times before. Perhaps this, more than anything weighed on her.
"I'm sorry..." she whispered.
"Why are you sorry?"
"This isn't how I imagined things." she said, "I wanted to give you everything you deserve, only beautiful, wonderful things and now..."
"Hey." Clara admonish gently, "None of this talk."
"I'm not even in a position to keep you in your job when you need it the most. I've let you down. This isn't what you signed up for."
"You've not let me down. I love working with you, you haven no idea but it's okay, and I certainly didn't sign up for your money. I'll figure something out and when we get you back on your feet, I expect a job offer and a salary raise."
Marina laughed, relieved. Clara knew how to make her laugh even when she felt the world was crumbling. Marina shifted in her seat, curling her legs under her.
"Can you stay with me tonight?"
"I wish I could. I would love nothing better than to hold you in my arms... but Cadu and I have to sit Ivan down and tell him..."
"Oh, Clara. I'm so sorry, here I am whining about my problems when you have your own difficulties right now. Tell me. How did it go? How was Cadu?
Marina heard Clara exhale slowly at the end of the line.
"Oh, Marina, he's very angry at me. I've never seen him like this before. He's always been happy-go-lucky, the dreamer, the easy going one... this Cadu, though, I don't recognise him..."
"Is he insisting on fighting you for custody?"
"We talked. I hope I got through to him, made him see that we need to make this about protecting Ivan – I guess we'll see. Oh, Marina. I feel so bad, you know, so bad."
"Stop it, Clara. I know you. Right now you are racked with guilt for leaving Cadu, but darling, you did it the best way you could, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"And do you feel you could have made a different choice?"
"No."
"Then no guilt. As hard as it is, this is what needed to happen."
"You're right, my love. You are. My mum once told me that feeling guilty is part of being parent. You just do. But you're right. Look, I have to go but I'll come tomorrow while Ivan is at school and help you with the house, okay?"
"I would love that. I miss you so much."
"I miss you too, my love. So much." Clara's voice had become soft, falling a few notes deeper to vibrate down the line. "I wish I could hold you in my arms tonight."
"Me too." Marina said her heart lifting at these words. "Tomorrow then."
"Tomorrow."
After they hung up Marina leaned back in her chair with a smile on her face. Behind her she could hear footsteps down the stairs. She turned to see Vanessa.
"Oh, Van. Van. Come sit with me." she held out her hand but Vanessa sat down on the sofa a little ways from her. She hunched her shoulders forward, her fingers curling over the edge of her seat. Marina looked at her, feeling a surge of affection for this woman. She'd been with her through so many things and she was so glad that she had her now. She knew she could trust her, she would help figure this mess out, she'd know what to do. She'd figure out how to pack up this house, she'd figure out where to go and how to start over even though, right now, the though of starting fresh was exhausting and all she wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep.
"So you and Clara, huh?" Vanessa said.
They hadn't broached the subject since her return and it hung there between, that one sticking point.
"Yeah. Me and Clara."
Marina wanted to be respectful of Vanessa's feelings but she couldn't help her smile. Vanessa bowed her head, nodding slowly as if absorbing the information. When she looked up Marina detected the sadness that sat just behind the eyes. Marina wished it didn't have to be so.
"I love you so much, Marina."
"I love you too, Van."
"But not the way I love you."
"I'm sorry."
Vanessa nodded. And then she laughed, the kind of laugh that is meant to hide pain, but Marina knew her too well to be fooled.
"I kept thinking, you know, that maybe you'd change your mind. That maybe finally you'd realise that I was here, loving you and that you'd love me too. Stupid!"
Vanessa hit her palm to her forehead as she said this as if mocking herself.
"I'm so sorry Van."
"I've been a fool, Marina, for so long."
She stood, pacing to the window, looking out to the swimming pool, crossing her arms tight across her chest.
"I can't keep doing this." she said.
Marina sat up slowly, turning her chair towards her, feeling a prickle up her spine. "What do you mean?"
"I'm not like you. I can't watch the woman I love be with someone else. And seeing you with her, it kills me, Marina. I don't like what it makes me become."
Vanessa turned around, her eyes full of tears and they frightened Marina. She'd expected snide remarks, jealousy... but not this. Not these words.
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying... that I'll help you pack up. I'll put everything in order with the accounts but once that's done, Marina... I have to go."
"You have to go?" Marina echoed. It felt like Vanessa was talking from far away, saying words that didn't make sense.
"I have to go."
She walked to kneel on the ground at Marina's feet. She cupped her face with both hands, looking into her eyes, tears running down her face.
"I'm sorry."
"No, Van, no! You can't just leave!" Marina's hand wrapped around her wrist. "You're my business partner, you're my dearest friend in all the world! I need you!"
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I can't. My life has been so entwined with you that I don't know who I am anymore, because I believed... I though that we- "
"Don't, Van." Marina whispered.
"I'm sorry, Marina. I'm so sorry. I can pretend many things, but even I know that Clara isn't just another woman. Is she?"
Vanessa looked to her and Marina knew that with one word she could keep Vanessa by her side as she had been for so many years. But she couldn't tell that lie.
"No, she's not."
Vanessa stifled a sob, she nodded, pursing her lips into a white line. Her thumbs stroked Marina's cheeks and she leaned forward and kissed her forehead fiercely. And then she stood, clasping her hands together at her chest before turning abruptly, leaving the room, leaving behind Marina, immobile in her chair.
At the airport in Paris, Marina had wondered how much it would hurt when she finally hit the ground. And now she knew. It hurt a whole fucking lot.