Chapter 21: The Wisdom Of Strange Kids

I try to get used to it. I try to make myself believe that it's over. I don't know what to say or do to make her understand that it's not a matter of what the hell her name is. She's still the same to me. Her eyes look the same, her smile looks the same, her accent, that adorable heart-melting accent, sounds the same. Yet she wants to separate herself like some schizophrenic.

So I sweep floors. I learn about budgets. I take orders. I serve food. I don't leave the diner.

All of Storybrooke behind those doors has seized to exist to me.

I try to think of nothing.

So I don't know what books she reads now, or who she was back in the Enchanted Forest, or what she eats for freaking dinner in her own library apartment, but does that mean that I don't know her?

I try and fail.

A few times I do have to leave the comfort of Granny's Bed and Breakfast to shop foods, but these times I tend to avoid her. My chest hurts mercilessly whenever I see her.

Granny corners me again one night.

"Ruby, you look like zombie."

"Well thanks Granny, you look great too."

"Spare me girl, would you please make yourself a little more presentable, you're scaring my customer's away."

"Jeez, first I'm being accused of dressing like a drag and now a zombie. Hard to please?"

"You pleased me just fine a few weeks ago, when you and Belle were still talking."

My whole body jerks at the mention of her name. I shrug and continue putting away plates. Granny crosses her arms and stares at me from the peripheral of my vision.

"Okay, so now she gets to determine what I wear too? Jeez."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know."

"Ruby, would you talk to her?"

I look at her. "She's the one who doesn't want to talk to me. She thinks I only want half of her or something."

"Have you seen the girl lately? Have you looked at her?"

I haven't. For the past two weeks I've been avoiding her so effectively that whenever I sense her presence I flee in the other direction. Not very proud and wolf-like, but I guess that's me these days.

"No, why?"

"Because she looks like you right now. Like she haven't slept at all for the past week."

"God, is she drinking again?" It just flies out of my mouth, because that's usually the reason she doesn't sleep. Ironically she started drinking to help her sleep. Seems like forever ago we had that conversation one late night outside her rented room just upstairs from here. I try not to look at the door every time I go to bed.

"You are not hearing me right, girl."

"What are you saying then?"

"That maybe she misses you just as much as you miss her?"

I turn around, unable to face her. "I doubt it", I mutter, trying to not feel comforted by Granny's words.

I try and fail.

The next morning Henry is in the diner, his face filled with worry. A little kid shouldn't have a face like that, but I guess that's the curse of being in the special situation Henry's in.

"What can I get you Henry?" I ask him.

He looks up with a heartbreaking expression. "Can you get me my mom back?"

I sigh and sit down in the booth with him.

"I'm sorry kid. How's David?"

In all my misery I almost forgot that the only blood related family Henry has left in Storybrooke is now under a sleeping curse, hoping to get in touch with Snow. They still don't think I should help. Honestly I hate it, but with Regina in charge I don't really get a vote. To be honest I didn't argue as much as I probably should.

Henry has brought his book. The book with the title 'Once upon a time', which contains all the stories of us, most of the important parts of our lives actually.

He's flipping through is as he says: "Can I just get a hot cocoa? With cinnamon?"

"Sure. I'll be right back."

When I bring it back he's on a page that contains a picture of Belle and Rumpelstiltskin. Just the sight burns in my veins and I almost tell him to move on to something else.

"These stories don't fit anymore. After you guys got here."

"What do you mean?" I ask, making sure to disguise my anger. The kid hasn't done anything wrong.

"I mean Belle. And you. You're not like you were in here, you changed. My mom told me about you." I take a wild guess and assume he's not talking about Regina. He goes on: "I thought Rumpelstiltskin was supposed to be Belle's true love…" It actually hurts to hear him say her name. "… but look at now. It's like this world changes you." I guess homosexuality isn't that widespread in the Enchanted Forest, but I don't say that. He's looking at me with analyzing eyes. The kind of examining look that reveals a deep and different kind of thinking, which is what makes Henry so different from most the kids his age. "Maybe Peter wasn't your true love either. Maybe it's Belle." I can't help but laugh, even though there's no evidence of good spirit in it. I would love to hear Maurice listen to him right now.

"I don't believe in true love Henry." I hate to ruin the principle that Henry bases everything on, but it seems to me that it's the only thing in his book that really is just a story.

"But it exists! Look and my grandparents. You know them!"

"Yeah, I do."

"That's true love! And it's what broke the curse! It's the most powerful magic in the world!" It's when he talks like this I know I can't deny, that he's the grandson of Snow and David. Instead I tell him:

"You know, Henry it's a little disturbing how much you know about everyone." He seems to take that as a compliment and I can't help but smile at him.

He takes a sip of the cocoa. Then he looks up at me.

"Are you saying you don't believe in true love because of what you are?"

"Henry I really don't want to get into this."

"Sorry. But I think you should talk to Belle. I think she's just scared too."

I have to give it to him, that he's persistent. And incredibly observing. He sure picked up a thing or two at his sessions with Doctor Hopper.

"You should be a shrink when you grow up Henry. Enjoy your cocoa." I leave him to attend other tables, but his words linger with me. Am I that transparent? It's true I once thought that I was too much of a monster to deserve true love after what I did to Peter, but now I think I've just disconnected from the concept. Even so I can't help but feel that with Belle I felt something close. And that I now feel like the opportunity of a lifetime has passed me by.

Maybe I should give it one last shot. If it's true what Granny says, that Belle looks as dead inside as me, then I might actually stand a chance.

When I pass the booth Henry sits in, he tugs at my shirt.

"Ruby, can you do me a favor?" He has those pleading-my-mom-might-never-come-back-eyes that he initiated the conversation with and it's truly heartbreaking.

"Sure Henry?"

"Can you find out something about this thing?" He holds out a picture showing the necklace he got from Gold that he handed over to David before he went under. "It got broke. Gold says he can't fix it."

"I'm not sure I'm the right person to ask Henry."

"I thought you could ask Belle, if she has anything in the library. I just don't want to leave grandpa." This is one sly child, I think to myself. I end up agreeing to go.

I'm as nervous as ever walking into the library. The times I've been in here can be counted on one hand. I'm not much of a reader and Belle and I haven't exactly been visiting each other often after the curse broke.

I spot her immediately upon entry, but she doesn't see me at first. She's standing against one of the bookcases with her attention fixed on a book. It strikes me how much of her element this place is. Something about it just fits her. She's in here mostly alone and yet she seems so comfortable. I watch her for a while. Her hair is tugged behind her ear revealing her slightly pale skin on her face and neck. Against my will I recall the times I've kissed just that skin. I miss her skin. It physically hurts to watch her standing there, so close to me and yet she's now so far from being mine.

I know I have to try. She was the very first to make a move, she guided the development of our relationship from the beginning and kept us steady. After wolf time she reached out – in a drunken Lacey-manner, but she did – and now it's my turn to try. It's like we keep taking turns patching us together, but I don't want to keep trying. I want it fixed now.

That is when she looks up and sees me.

Granny was right, she looks exhausted. She's decent; the hair is done and her clothes are presentable, but her face betrays her. Her eyes are tired and there are small circles under them. I wonder if she's slipped again and relapsed, but I know now is not the time to ask.

"Ruby", is all she says. Her voice sounds tired too. There's no tone in it. I'm relieved the cold voice is gone, but my heart bleeds for the way she says my name. Like she doesn't know what to do with it.

"Henry send me here for some research", I say and instantly regret it.

"Oh", she says tonelessly. "What kind?"

"I, um, have a picture of the thing." I mentally kick myself to get on with it. "But really, I wanna talk to you."

Something happens in her face, a little light comes to it, but she avoids my gaze still. She puts down the book and walk over to me. Carefully she leans against her desk at a safe few feet from me.

I take a deep breath. I don't really know exactly what I'm saying when the words starts flowing. I never was good at the planning. And my throat feels dry like sand paper.

"I just talked to Henry today and he made me realize how everything is different here from our land. That kid is really too insightful for his own good, anyway, I just need you to know that… Well, I don't divide you. I don't see black and white. To me you're one person, not two. You're the same as before, you know, you just have different way of acting on some things. Like when you're insecure you used to drink and now just push me away. You used to drink to calm yourself, now you read books. But you read before and you drink now. Or you slipped once anyway, as far as I know." At that she gives a slight nod, which is more of a relief than I can explain in the mess of the words I'm trying to get out. "And if you want similarities you can have those too. Like, neither of you are particularly good at admitting you're wrong. Look, sorry, but it's true. And like, Lacey was incredibly giving and sweet and I'm sure Belle is too, because you have that feel about you. You smile the same, you laugh the same, you… feel the same. Your eyes light up the same way when you're mad. Like they have this fire inside them." As I get talking I realize Belle is crying. The sight of it puts a lump in my throat that I try to talk through.

"Okay, so maybe I don't know everything about you, but can't you say the same about me? The difference is that I don't care, because now we have all the more reason to get to know each other. Can't we just do that?" She avoids my gaze again and I move to catch her tear-slurred eyes. "Can't we?"

"Of course Ruby, I'm just afraid that maybe we don't fit with each other anymore. Lacey was so adventurous, me, I only dream of it, but never act. I'm afraid I'm not the one you want anymore."

"Don't tell me what I want, Belle, I want you. I get that you have new sides, but honestly, you're the same person just with a little color change. And I love that person, no matter what the hell your name is."

Belle sniffles and wipes her eyes dry. Her silence is making me panic.

"Belle, talk to me. What is it? Have I changed too much? Are you still mad about the suicide attempt? What is it?"

She sighs and finally looks me into the eye. "You haven't changed. That's what frightens me. Apart from the wolf it feels like you just blend right together with whom you were, and I feel like two different people. I need time to sort that out. I'm sorry I made that all about you, but really, I need to figure out who I am now. My own father even thinks I'm two different people and he doesn't understand why I have to go to AA-meetin's every week to keep myself from drinkin'. And he doesn't understand the feelin's I have for you. Did you know he threatened to send me across the town line, just to make me forget?" I shake my head and feel a jab of guilt for having thought of doing just that. "I despise that he did that, but he's still the only family I have and he's always been dear to my heart. I want to try and make amends with him."

"Which means staying away from me." I don't even try to hide my disappointment as I say it and I look away.

"For now." She steps closer and touches my hand, which catches my attention. I look down at her fingers touching mine and then to her face again. "I know that I love you, I do, but I have to sort all of this out. I'm sorry I've been so cold to you. To answer your question, no I'm not mad at you anymore, I'm just worried. I thought of tellin' you that maybe you should talk to someone about it and get help. Like Doctor Hopper. You decide. I might take my own advice on that account. But all the same…" She lets go of my hand and it feels cold instantly after losing the warmth of Belle's fingers around it. "I need some time still. Can you give me that?"

I can feel myself crying too now. The tears build up as she finally talked and started falling, when her skin abandoned mine. The horrible of it all is that it doesn't feel like closure or an end, but all the same I feel the pain of rejection all over again.

I take a moment to gather some courage. Then I put a light touch to her face, caressing the soft skin of her cheek and jaw line. She closes her eyes momentarily as I touch her. She meets my gaze again.

"Well I hope you decide against staying away from me."

Then my hand drops and I leave. I have to leave while I still have it in me to walk out and give her the space she needs. The tears are streaming oceans on my face before I'm out of the door. It's a disturbing feeling knowing that I'm nowhere closer to or farther from an end as I leave, than I was entering. We've said we love each other for the second time now and still there's a roadblock the size of a forest with the face of Maurice and borderline-schizophrenia painted all over it. At least I can take comfort in the fact that she doesn't hate me. I'm still holding the phone with the picture of the necklace in my other hand, knowing that I won't be going in there again until Belle say's so.