Sorry for being late! I've been busy all day and this chapter needed a re-edit! Enjoy!
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Ivans sat on the couch. Clara was kneeling at this feet and Cadu had his arm around his thin little shoulders.
"But why?" he asked. He sounded so young and small.
"Because sometimes people grow apart and need to go do different things. And that's what happened with your dad and I, isn't it Cadu?"
"But why can't you do different things and for us to stay together, like a family?"
"Because sometimes doing different things and staying together isn't possible, my darling." Clara said.
Ivan's back hunched and he squeezed his eyes closed.
"How do you know it's not possible, mum?"
Clara looked to Cadu. His hand was stroking Ivan's back but his face was stony, accusing her. She was trying to stay calm and answer all of Ivan's questions but she felt a lump in her throat as hard as steel making it hard to speak. She was barely managing to hold back the tears.
"You know when you feel in you heart. And in your gut, my darling."
A pause as Ivan seemed to absorb this.
"Does that mean you don't love dad anymore?" he asked.
"No, my darling, no! I still love your dad very much and I still love you very, very much. But sometimes love changes and things have to change with it."
"Is it because of his heart? Because he got a new one?"
Clara blew out air and wiped away stubborn tears that had battled their way down her cheeks. She wished Cadu would say something.
"No, it's not that."
"It's because you got a job, isn't it?"
"No. It's not that either."
Ivan looked at her, his baby face fierce.
"It is! Because you and dad never used to fight before you got your job."
"It's not the job, Ivan. That's just something I did because I was changing on the inside." She said an took his little hands in hers. They lay there, limp, and that more than anything hurt.
"I needed to grow, Ivan, just like you grow, I needed to try new things, including a job -"
"Are you going to leave to live in Paris? With Marina?"
Clara's stomach dropped. She looked at Ivan closely but then she caught herself. He didn't mean it that way.
"No. I'm not going anywhere, I'll be staying with Aunty Helena until I sort out a place to live, and your dad and I are going to be right here for you, exactly as we always have been. We'll both still take you school, I'll still be here, making you lunches and dinners..."
"Except it won't be the same." Ivan said. "It won't be the same!"
He voice rose and he got up, shrugging Cadu's hand off, running around the sofa for his bedroom. The door slammed shut. Clara looked to Cadu. He wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his hands, his lips pursed. Once upon a time, if she'd looked to him, he would have been there, looking back. She felt, in that moment, like she'd lost him entirely. Clara's head dropped into her hands and she thought her heart might break, it hurt so much. She heard Cadu stand and walk to Ivan's bedroom, she heard the door open and the click shut. She tried to stifle her sobs by burying her face in a pillow, kneeling on the floor in the middle of the living room.
Xxx
"Marina?"
Marina turned around at the sound of Clara's voice.
"My love!"
"Marina... what are you doing?"
"Oh," Marina shrugged, "I felt like going for a swim."
"At 8.30 in the morning? In winter with the rain?"
"It's not that cold."
Marina was kneeling on the steps of her swimming pool submerged up to her neck, her pale skin pasty white beneath the water. She'd been looking up at the steel grey sky. It had begun to rain a half an hour before and she'd closed her eyes, letting the drops fall on her, tears from the sky.
"Honey! You're shivering, you're blue in the lips. How long have you been in the water?"
"Oh, I don't know. A little after dawn..."
"Marina! Come, come, let's get you out, let's warm you up. What were you thinking?"
Marina stood up, her arms wrapped around her naked body. Her teeth chattered and her body shook. She took the proffered hand, her icy fingertips curling around Clara's little finger. Clara wrapped an arm around her shoulders and guided Marina to the bathroom, chiding her as she wrapped a white terri-cotta dressing gown around her rubbing her arms vigorously. Then she turned to start filling the bathtub. Marina stood in the centre of the room, dripping water in a puddle.
"How did it go, Clara? With Ivan?"
Clara was silent, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub as she tested the water gushing out of the faucet. She turned to look at Marina.
"That bad, honey?"
Marina sat down next to her and placed her hand on Clara's.
"I'm sorry."
"All I wanted to do was come and find you but I couldn't." she said, "I had to stay for Ivan."
"You're here now."
"I tried calling you last night but you weren't picking up..." she said.
"I turned my phone off."
"Why, Marina? I so needed to hear your voice last night."
"I knew that if I called I knew I'd beg you to come to me and I know you needed to be with Ivan..."
Marina shivered, feeling suddenly very cold.
"What is it?"
Marina paused a moment, dipping her fingers tips into the rising water level, watching them turn pink in the hot water.
"Vanessa." she said "She's leaving me."
"What do you mean, she's leaving you?"
"As in she's going, quitting."
"She's quitting?"
"She wants nothing to do with me. She packed her things last night and went to stay with Flavinha."
Clara looked at her as if she couldn't quite believe it.
"Oh, my darling, I'm sorry!"
Clara placed her warm hands on either side of Marina's face and rested their foreheads together. Their breaths mingled, slowed and synchronised.
"It's because of me, isn't it?" Clara murmured.
"Don't, Clara. It's not your fault. It was her choice." Marina said and kissed her "I think we have enough guilt between the two of us already without you picking up the tab on that one, don't you think?"
"We're quite the pair, aren't we?" she said. She drew back and smiled sadly.
"What is it my love?"
"I'm so scared." Clara whispered after a pause, pushing her thumb into the palm of her hand rhythmically.
"Why?"
"I'm scared that Ivan will hate me."
"Why would he hate you? You're an amazing mother -"
"Because he knows it's because of me that our marriage ended."
"What do you mean?" Marina said.
"When we told him Cadu just sat there, the entire time, not saying anything. I had to do all the talking...I'm so mad at him, Marina! I needed him to be on-board with me! We talked about it when I saw him at the bistro earlier but when it came to it, he just sat there. He sat there and let it look like it was all me, the end of our marriage. And yes,I guess it was, but for Ivan's sake I needed him to make it look like it was mutual because what will it do to him to think that his mother is abandoning him?"
"He thinks you're abandoning him?"
"He thinks it's because I got a job that things changed. He thought I was going to run away to Paris. I'm the one moving out...Oh God, Marina, I don't know what he's thinking, he didn't want to talk with me last night, but my mind is just a jumble..."
"I'm so sorry." Marina said and moved in, her arm wrapping around her shoulder,"I'm here, I'm here."
She traced the tip of her nose along her cheek. With her free hand she interlaced their fingers. They looked at each other.
"I'm so glad you are, Marina. Please don't turn your phone off again, I need you so." Clara said and kissed her.
Marina responded, trying to pour all her love into the kiss. Her heart ached for her and for what she was going through, wished she could make it all better.
Clara turned the taps off. Marina discarded her robe and sucked her breath in as she stepped into the steaming bathtub. She took a lavender essential oil bottle and let a few drops fall into the water.
"You want some breakfast? I'll go make you something." Clara said.
Marina caught Clara's wrist before she could leave, drawing her close until her knees pressed against the bathtub. Her fingers moved to tug at the hem of her white top over her head. She dropped it to the floor and then her hands slid up her waist and around to the clasp of her bra. That too fell to the ground.
"What are you doing, my love?"
Marina unbuttoned her skinny blue jeans, pulling them down, her thumb hooking into her underwear as she went until they puddled at her ankle. Clara stepped out of her heels, taking Marina's outstretched hand that held her steady as she joined her in the bathtub. Marina moved in, pressing their naked bodies together.
"Don't go anywhere. I want you here with me."
"My little mermaid." Clara said.
Marina sat down, pulling Clara down to lie between her legs. She wrapped her arms around her, kissing her neck, squeezing her tight. She hummed and placed her hand over Clara's heart, its beat strong beneath the palm of her hand. If she didn't move, she could pretend for a little that her world hadn't crumbled and that Clara's hadn't either. She could pretend that this was still her bathroom, she could pretend that she was still rich, powerful, untouchable. They murmured quietly to each other, their half-voices echoing off the walls, indistinct, words spoken only for each other. They no longer spoke of their fears, now they spoke of their hopes, they spoke their love and their tenderness. With their words they felt a quiet fall on them and their troubles recede to somewhere out there. When the bath became tepid, they rose. They dried each other off, they smiled and laughed and teased each other. This was their oasis from the storm that raged around them. Together they could sit in the eye of their own storms. Bodies still damp, they drew each other to the bed, they made love, relishing each other, taking solace and strength in each others presence. In Clara's arms Marina felt like she could face anything, even loosing the house, her studio, Vanessa. She could face the idea of a father who had abandoned her. In Clara's arms, she felt safe because Clara's gaze spoke of a love so eternal that she felt that somehow it would be okay.