Chapter 22: Silver Coins
I decide to take Belle up on her advice. Mostly because when I told Granny about our conversation – crying uncontrollably while doing so – she strongly agreed with Belle.
"That girl is a clever one. You'll do well by listening to her." I think Gran might secretly have wanted to tell me the same thing, but for some reason decided not to. So I made an appointment with Jiminy. We still call him Doctor Hopper, but as I sit there telling him all about the feeling of being a monster, I keep picturing the cricket, who used to flicker around before our eyes at the round table back at the castle. Of course back then he was everyone's conscience. You'll have to give Regina; she put some thoughts into our curse-identities.
He's good. He listens and he makes me dig out all the emotions, which have been hiding underneath the layers made by twenty eight years of ignorance. I cry, I explain and I even tell him how Belle and Lacey fits into the whole thing. I tell him about our talks of inner monsters. How fitting that actually was.
He too points out how being with Lacey and helping her settled my own identity. Brought out the part of what, to use Belle's words, blends right in with Red, the person I was before the curse. She's right; I don't feel a huge change. I mostly go by Ruby now; the name just seems to fit better with everyone. Only Snow, David and sometimes Leroy still use my old nickname. The identity of Ruby still fits me. I don't have as much of a drive for rebellion, but still some. I don't feel like dressing up to get attention anymore, but that too faded away as Lacey wove herself into my life.
Its things like these that make me think of Henry musing over whether or not Belle is my true love. I still don't know if I believe in that and I feel that now with all the uncertainties, it's a bad time to start, but the more Jiminy talks, the more I realize how we shaped each other into better versions. I wish I could tell Belle that, but I promised myself I won't bother her until the day she shows up and tells me she's done taking her time.
It's been almost another week now. Times passes a little faster this week compared to the last, but another matter is closing in on me: Wolf time. Again. I discuss this with Jiminy too, but supposedly I can control the wolf now.
It doesn't take away the side effects of wolf time though. The restlessness. The hotheadedness. My rational thoughts about how Belle and I and how we'll eventually make up starts to look more like the night after last wolf time rather than a sensible, sweet make up. I just can't afford to blow it again.
"Ruby, you need to stop thinking that everything that happens is on your shoulders", Jiminy says when I voice those worries.
"But it was. I was the sober one." It's funny how my love life is so much less awkward to discuss with him. There really is something to the whole shrink-thing. Still, very few know about us. We never got the chance to go public. The funny thing is that before the curse I was hesitant, because I didn't know how to talk to Granny and now Belle is the one to go quiet about it. If she'll be mine I'll be happy to shout if from the rooftops, but Belle has made an effort to talk quietly when others are near.
"No. She carries just as much of the blame. And she knows it. From what you tell me it sounds like a lot of her anger was directed at herself."
I sigh. "You might be right."
Our time ends shortly after that and I return to the diner for my afternoon shift.
Granny catches me on my way upstairs. She's holding something in her hand that I can't see.
"Belle came by." I stop dead in my track. "She told me to give you this." She holds out a little white box. I take it and go upstairs, knowing that I can't face the entire diner as I open it.
I lock myself into my room and turn my attention to the box, never mind changing for my shift.
Inside there's a little silver coin. I recognize its kind immediately: It's an AA-coin. One month sober. I can tell this is a different one though, so she must be doing well with her meetings. It makes me think of when she received the first of these. The night it all started. God, it feels like ages ago. The thought of it makes heat crawl into my stomach, heat that I have to subdue.
There's a note inside the box too.
I just got this yesterday. I'm still trying with my father and I have visited Doctor Hopper again myself. I hope you understand how much of a chaos this all feels like to me. Either way I want you to have this one. It still makes me think only of you.
I read the note twice, trying to decide if this is closure or not. Is she saying goodbye or opening a door? I find that I simply can't decipher it. The last time she asked me to take her coin and told me it reminded her of me the words were said with reluctance, but the weight of these words feels different. I try not to let myself hope.
I take the coin in my hand and turn it over. It has the same engravings as the former, the same words: 'Unity', 'service' and 'recovery'. No matter how else I feel, I am proud of her in this moment. And somewhat convinced that as she accepts the inner monsters of Lacey and fights them as her own, the two halves of her begin to emerge further. I hope she feels it.
I spent a great deal of time discussion wolf time with Granny. Granny never was fond of the whole werewolf issue and she's all for locking me up again.
"I know you learned to control it once, Ruby and that you have regained some control now, but I'd like to make sure none of us has to go through two days like last month."
"I get that Gran, but I feel caged. The wolf feels caged and when I'm upset it's easier to lose control. What's the point in breaking a new freezer for nothing?"
Granny says nothing, but looks at me skeptically.
"Come on, no one is going to murder people and pin me on it this time! Spencer's still locked up." Some are still afraid of me, I know that. I can tell from their faces when they pass me on the street, but there's no sign that yet another angry mob is forming. They all saw me regaining control. It's a good thing, since I can't count on David to save me again with him being under the sleeping curse.
"I know that. It's just for my peace of mind. The library is not an option?" At least she's asking.
"No", I say quickly in a firm voice. She doesn't argue with that.
"What do you plan to do then?"
"I'll go into the forest. I want to run free. I'll stay out there all night and come back once I shift back to human form."
"I don't like it", Granny says. She takes out our plates and starts cleaning up after breakfast. She wants to say something, but decides against it, it seems. I think I know what it is. My hood is hidden away in the back of my closet and if I have any say, I don't have to wear it again.
"I know you don't, but it's who I am, Granny. I get that you got used to me not turning into a wolf every month with the curse and all that, but it's back now and it's not gonna go away. I know you despise the wolf, but I can't have this argument again. I don't want to wear the hood."
"I'm just worried that you'll lose control, girl."
"You have to trust me on this. Can you do that?" I might be pushing it, after all it's only a month ago that we thought I killed again and then I tried to get myself killed. I tried to kill myself. I get that it scared people. It scares me. Jiminy says that it helps saying it. Acknowledging it. If I try to run from the fact that it's what I did, it becomes more of a burden.
To my surprise Granny turns around with a small smile.
"I suppose I have to, after I've repeatedly lectured you to take responsibility for yourself. Will you at least take it with you into the woods, in case you want to come back early?"
I return the smile. "Of course I will. Thanks Granny."
"Sure. Now come on, girl get to your session and come straight back for your shift okay?"
Granny always gets a bit awkward when we have emotional conversations. Maybe she's just still too used to us fighting. I give her a quick hug before leaving.
I have two days until wolf time begins. It gives me plenty of time to mentally prepare myself to stay awake this time. To stay aware. I've done it countless of times and now that I'm back on the right track I should easily be able to fall back into the pattern.
I hope so. Otherwise I gave Granny a speech for nothing.
At my session I show Jiminy the coin that Belle gave me. I have already told him the story of how Lacey and I got together, so he's familiar with the symbolism of this one.
"It feels like a circle closing or something like that. Like she's getting closer to her other self or however she wants to put it."
He agrees, but he doesn't look as light as I feel today, which bothers me. Isn't he supposed to make me feel better?
"Ruby as true as that might be, you need to accept that there's a possibility of a scenario, in which Belle will not chose you. You said she's trying to make amends with her father?"
"Yeah, so?"
"So she might choose her family. In that case you must prepare yourself to come to terms with that."
I sigh as my heart sinks in my chest. "I get that she won't get both, but I just don't see why her father is being such am ignorant bastard about this." I remember what she said about her father rather have her shipped across the town line than be with me. Or Rumpelstiltskin. I think I get why the choice between the lesbian werewolf and the Dark One isn't exactly a father's dream, but the way he's treating Belle is horrible. His sweet, kind, beautiful and selfless daughter, who just want to make everyone happy. I think I hate him just a little bit. I hope he gets shipped across the town line.
"Some people just never learn to accept or understand homosexuality. I think it's especially difficult since it was so unheard of in our land."
"We should ship that bastard across the town line", I mumble, not sure if I want him to hear me or not. He does though.
"That's not up to you, but Belle."
"I know that." I wouldn't dream of doing it without Belle's consent, but it already itches in my fingers to pull him across that border line by the collar with my own hands. Or drag him from the fang of the wolf. That seems even more fitting. The wolf hums within me at the thought.
The full moon is tomorrow and I feel it getting closer by the hour. The first wolf time set my inner clock back in function and my body is now responding the shift of the moon like the ebb and flow of the tide. It prickles my skin at night and sends my restlessness flying of the chart. I didn't sleep almost the entire night, because my skin was crawling with expectation. It's just like old times. It blows my concentration almost completely, but at the same time it's reassuring. If every part of my body feels like it did just before the curse, as it prepares itself for change, my mind must be doing the same thing. I should be able to control it with no problem. Piece of cake.
"Ruby, could you take this piece of cake to table four? You're daydreaming again, girl."
I snap back into focus. I'm in the middle of my afternoon shift and I got stuck halfway around the counter.
"Yes of course. Sorry. It's the wolf."
"Mm-hm." Granny gives me a look and turn back to the customer who's about to pay. This is one of the reasons she doesn't like the wolf. And back in the Enchanted Forest I didn't have to attend waiting customers.
I deliver the cake and go get the next order. As I organize the orders the door opens. With my senses heightened to this degree it takes about three milliseconds to realize that Belle just walked into the diner.
I head snaps up to see her walk in, looking around with searching eyes and an insecure expression. She's wearing that dotted dress, which is one of the first she bought by herself. I recognize it immediately. It just fits her figure so beautifully. And it's modest, something that fit Lacey too. She never showed off her body, the way I used to do. The subtle beauty she has is one of the things that make her so irresistible.
She sees me and walks up to the counter.
My focus is now completely gone.
She smiles at me with that insecure smile and sits down.
"Hi", she says."
"Hi." I stare at her for a while trying to decipher what she's going to say. If she's going to just end it right here. "Um, can I get you anything?"
"Maybe those pancakes you have."
"Coming up." I give her a smile, that might have come off more insecure that I wanted it to. I give up on organizing the orders and just throw them out into the kitchen along with Belle's order.
"So…" I say as I come back. "You're here?"
"I am."
She's giving me nothing. She's slow in her movement. Then I see it. It would be impossible to see for someone whose eyes aren't as good as mine, but I can tell she's been crying some time ago. There's just the slightest hint of redness around her eyes. Which means someone got bad news. Or I'm about to. My heart starts beating a little faster.
"So what does that-" I start but change my mind. "I mean, what about your father?"
She sighs and I can tell this is what's causing her pain.
"I tried. I really did. I even thought I made him understand, but I failed." Her voice is a little shaky, but I pretend I don't notice, so to not make her uncomfortable. I know she'll hate bursting into tears in a public place like this. "He wants me to rid myself of everythin' I was before the curse broke. And Ruby, I tried to do that. I don't know, if I should have, but I did, because he's my father. But in the end I couldn't."
I'm about to open my mouth, when Granny interrupts.
"Ruby, go serve table three."
"Granny!" I almost growl at her.
"You're on shift. Work while you talk or have the conversation later." I gloat at her. Then I take the plates and walk around the counter.
"So sorry, Belle, one second."
"I-I can come back…"
"No don't go, please. One sec."
I have to restrain myself so to not just throw then plates on the table, but put them down gently and hurry back to Belle. She has turned in her chair and I walk up to her.
"Tell me what happened?"
"I disowned him. Again."
"I'm sorry." I'm sorry you're sad, but I sure hope that bastard burns, is what the wolf wanted to say.
Belle shakes her head and sends her thick curls swirling around her head. I'm shortly mesmerized, before snapping back into focus again.
"Don't be", she says. "If he can't accept how I feel, he's not my family."
She looks up at me and I feel hope blossoming in my chest. I find it hard to form words, but I have to make her say it, otherwise I won't believe it.
"So does that mean… do you…?"
"Yes. I chose you, Ruby. Wasn't that hard of a choice, when it came down to it."
The blossoming hope explodes in my chest and I can't contain the ecstasy in that moment. I wish I could for Belle's sake, but there's no way. I almost crash into her, and kiss her, pulling her up to me with my hands at her neck. She doesn't push me away, but sinks into the kiss and her hands sneak around my waist like they used to. I try to keep the kiss sweet and friendly to the crowd, which I vaguely notice has gone silent, but the desire within me is battling my senses.
I don't want to overwhelm her though, so I control myself, before I can do more than tracing her bottom lip with my tongue. She snickers into the kiss. Something clicks into place. I haven't heard her snicker like that since before the curse was lifted. It takes everything in me, but I pull back and stare into her beaming face.
"I've missed you", she whispers into my face.
I laugh. I just can't help it. "God, I've missed you too."
When I take a reluctant step back from Belle and the world comes into focus, Granny is standing with her hand at her hip.
"When you have time, people are getting hungry", she says. I wonder how long the kiss lasted. Not long enough. Then Granny smiles, a huge heartwarming smile. Those are rare. "I'm glad you two worked it out."
Everyone seems to be staring at us for a second or two, before returning to their meals. Some eyes linger longer than others. None of the stares seems spiteful or unpleasant in any way though. Belle blushes and looks down. I think to myself, with a smirk, that I won't need to shout from the rooftops after all.
I'm still smiling like an idiot as I serve a couple of tables and Belle eats her pancakes. I serve her those with a heart painted in syrup on top, just because I have to get the joy out somehow or I'll burst. I wonder if I can just lose it and turn into a wolf out of happiness.
When I have a free moment, I walk back to Belle and turn her around again.
"I just need to know one thing now", I say as I play with her hair.
"Yeah, what's that?"
"What do I call you now?"
She smiles at the question, fortunately. "I think I'll go by Belle. That is my name. But only as long as you'll still be my girl."
"Of course I will, Belle", I say and lean in to kiss her again. Just a chaste, brief touching of her lips. I can behave. Until later that is.
Then the door slams open and Leroy almost jumps in.
"They're back! Snow and Emma! They came through the well! Come on Red!" The last part he yells at me, before he's out of the door again.
And I thought the day couldn't get any better. I'm so overwhelmed I don't know what to do with myself. The wolf inside, jumping up and down while howling internally, doesn't help. I turn to Granny.
"Fine, you can go. The whole town is going to be in chaos anyway. But be back soon."
"I'll help you", Belle says to Gran. I turn to her and take her hand.
"Will you wait for me here 'till I get back?" My feet are almost already on the move to go find my best friend and tell her everything.
Belle smiles at me. "I will. I promise."
END
So that was it you guys. I really hope you enjoyed it. Special thanks to blueaoineechan for commenting so much along the way, it was great fun reading (as was the others). I would love to hear what all of you think of the whole thing. Was I true to the characters? Did you think Belle was right to try and make amends with her father, even though it almost cost her Ruby? I also felt really good about getting some closure on the whole wolf-issue with Ruby, did it make sense? Anyway it's been really fun writing this, so fun I might do it again sometime. I'll stop rambling now, please leave a comment and enjoy your day!