Shadow and Rose

by Lady Norbert

A/N: This chapter was a bit harder to write than I expected it to be.

Chapter Twelve: Joining Chalice

Darkspawn blood still encrusts this silver chalice. With a shudder, you remember the day you brought it to your lips and drank deeply of all the mysteries that lay within.

As far as I can tell, Soldier's Peak is meeting with everyone's approval. Even Sten seems to be enjoying the surviving portraits and tapestries on the walls. Apparently he's a great art lover, something about being impressed with the control involved in the use of the paintbrush or needle.

Most of us were in the library this afternoon, except for Elissa and Leliana; they were looking over the small chantry here in the keep. Leliana is still, more or less, a lay sister, and so for the duration of our wintering, she'll be in charge of devotions and such spiritual needs as we might have. I imagine it's more for the comfort of the refugees coming here from the bannorn than anything.

Anyway, the rest of us were going through the bookshelves at her request, seeing which books could be salvaged and which ones are best used as kindling. The old archivist left plenty of notes, some of which have survived two hundred years in better shape than I would have expected. I guess eventually she'll want to appoint someone to that task. So while we were going through the books, I remembered my earlier conversation with Sten.

"You never did tell me how you amused yourself in that cage," I said.

"No, I did not."

I persisted, and he eventually relented. "I would select a letter of the alphabet and try to find as many things as I could that started with that letter."

"...are you joking again?"

"No."

"You're not seriously telling me that you played I Spy with yourself for three weeks?!"

He closed his book and solemnly declared, "There are a great many things in Lothering that begin with the letter G."

Morrigan rolled her eyes. Wynne was choking; I think she was laughing, but she insisted it was just the dust.

I had the chance to speak with Wynne privately today. I had just brought in a fresh load of firewood for the great hall when she entered the room, and it seemed like the best opportunity to take care of a little personal problem. "Can I ask you something?"

"What's on your mind, Alistair?"

"Well, it's this... rose."

"Rose?"

I pulled out the drying husk of the rose I picked in Lothering, and explained why I had it. "And maybe it's stupid, but I just don't want to let it die," I said. "I was wondering if you had any ideas."

"Hmm... I think I can help," she said, taking the flower.

I'm not sure exactly what she did. She sent me to get her some water from the well, and a pitcher. She filled the pitcher with the water and did some sort of mage-y stuff to it, then put the flower stem into the water. After a few seconds, it started blooming again - as fresh and red as the day I picked it.

"Wynne, you're fantastic!"

"I have my moments," she replied modestly. She handed it back, and I tucked it out of sight. "It should remain like that now. What are you planning to do with the rose, if I may inquire?"

"I'm not sure yet."

There is something about Elissa, I'm not sure how to explain it, but she has the most peculiar sense of timing. She chose that exact moment to walk into the room. "Oh, there you two are. I'm glad I found you together - I wanted to talk to you. About Ostagar."

"We are going with you, aren't we?" I asked.

"Yes." She nodded. "I'm thinking it should be just the three of us. The others can stay here; there's plenty for them to do. I had wanted to wait until Teagan's refugees arrived, to welcome them properly, but I'm concerned that the snow will fall too heavily and make travel difficult."

"When do you want to leave?" asked Wynne.

"Can you both be ready to go tomorrow?"

We nodded, and she smiled. "Perfect. Perhaps while we're in the south we could stop at the village of Honnleath, see what that golem control rod is all about. We'll see how the weather holds. Oh, and thank you for bringing in the firewood, Alistair, I'm going to go check on dinner."

I watched her go, and then turned to find Wynne smirking at me. "Why are you smiling like the cat who ate the pigeon?"

"Canary. I look like the cat who ate the canary."

"I once had a very large cat, but that's not my point. Why are you smirking like that?"

She chuckled evilly. "You were watching her. With great interest, I might add. In fact, I believe you were enraptured."

"She's our leader," I protested. "I look to her for guidance."

"Oh, I see. So what guidance did you find in those swaying hips, hmm?"

I tried to protest that I wasn't looking at Elissa's, um, hindquarters. Wynne didn't seem to believe me. And the harder I protested, the more she continued to smirk.

"I hate you," I grumbled, although I didn't mean it and I'm sure she knows it. "You're a bad person."

"I think I know what you're going to do with your rose."

At dinner tonight, Elissa laid out her plan of action to the rest of the group.

"If I'm not completely off base in my figuring, we should be back in about three weeks," she said. "Provided the snow doesn't prevent us from traveling at all, that is. Meanwhile, I have some particular tasks I'd like you to handle in my absence."

"What is your wish, kadan?" asked Sten.

"Well, in your case, Sten," she said, "I think it would be beneficial if we had a proper understanding of the layout of the entirety of Soldier's Peak. I want to know how many rooms there are, what sort of supplies remain, the stock of the armory. You have the best-organized mind of us all, so I'd like you to take on this project."

"I suppose there is merit to this."

"Leliana, we already discussed the Chantry. Levi will be acting as seneschal, and will be giving directions to the refugees when they arrive. I'd like you to basically serve as a second to him; help the newcomers feel welcome, find out if they need anything particular, show them where things are."

"I can do that."

"What about me?" asked Morrigan. "I assume you have something for me to do as well."

"You're our best line of defense," Elissa said. "I need you to place protective wards around Soldier's Peak so that no one can get in who doesn't belong here. I sincerely doubt that any of Loghain's men would trouble themselves to come here, even if they do figure out where we are, but we can't be too careful."

"And the darkspawn are down where we're going, so they shouldn't be a problem," I pointed out. "Besides, Avernus has been here all this time and they've never bothered him, right?"

"That's the impression he gives me, yes. And please, no one go near his tower," Elissa added. "I'm sure he'd be reasonably polite, but I don't think he'd appreciate it."

With the assignments (so to speak) distributed, everyone resumed eating, and the conversation lagged a little. So I thought of what Sten told me yesterday, and I decided to try to liven things up. I met his eye across the table, and grinned. "I spy with my little eye... something that starts with G."

He glared. "Is it a Grey Warden? Is it, in fact, you?"

"Ooh! You're good at this!"

Sten groaned. Elissa, beside me, started shaking a little. She covered her face with her napkin and hurried out of the great hall. I was worried at first, but a moment later we could all hear her in the corridor, laughing helplessly. She laughs so rarely that I think we were all taken aback.

"Simply incredible," Morrigan drawled. "'Tis the wonder of our age, Alistair. Of all the women in Thedas, you have somehow managed to light upon the one who finds you more amusing than annoying."

"What can I say? I'm a lucky man."

We took our leave of Soldier's Peak this morning. Before we did, however, Mikhael Dryden presented Elissa with the sword he made out of her lump of star metal. "I call it Starfang," he told her. It's a pretty fantastic weapon, really, and certainly qualifies as a longsword - I could swear it's nearly as long as she is tall. The blade is blue-ish and engraved with scrollwork, and he made indentations in the hilt where runes could be added to enchant it. She was delighted with the weapon and immediately had Sandal add a couple of silverite runes. Silverite makes any weapon even more effective against darkspawn. I wonder how she knew that; I don't think I ever told her.

Toby isn't too happy about being left behind again, but I think I understand why she did it. She loves that dog, wants to know he's safe and sound. They had an interesting conversation before we left. I know the mabari are supposed to be really intelligent - smart enough to talk, wise enough not to - but it's like Elissa understands what he means when he barks. I wasn't close enough to hear what she said to him, but by the time they were done he wagged his tail and ran off to play with his friend, that hound the Drydens brought.

When we weren't more than ten paces off, I heard a funny noise, and looked back to see Morrigan's purple ward shimmering at the gate of the Peak. "How are we going to get back in, when we return?" I asked.

"She said she would connect the spell to the Warden's Oath," Elissa explained. "As long as either you or I are the first to touch the barrier, we'll be fine. I presume at least one of us will come back."

Cheerful thought.

With only three of us, we're making swifter progress than usual. It's been quite some time since our party was so small. Ideally, we could get on the imperial highway and follow it to Lothering (or rather whatever's left of Lothering), then head south from there. But there's too much chance that we'd encounter trouble on that route, either in the form of Loghain's own soldiers or else bandits or other fortune seekers interested in the bounty on Grey Wardens.

So we keep to the woods as much as possible, only fighting what must be fought. We've had little in the way of human contact as a result, though the farther south we go, the more likely we are to encounter darkspawn - and those we will fight until they're all dead. I always feel a twinge of guilt when killing another person, even if they provoked it; I never feel any about genlocks or hurlocks.

Elissa shocked us a bit today when we stopped for the midday meal. She was sitting by the fire, bundled in her cloak - it made her look small somehow - and she said, "I have a favor to ask of the two of you."

"What is it?" asked Wynne.

"While we're in the south... Morrigan requested something of me."

"I already don't like the sound of this, but go on," I said.

She explained that Morrigan has learned - I'm guessing from that black grimoire we swiped from the mage tower, but she didn't say as much - that the secret to Flemeth's extended lifetime is to... well, to be honest, this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Flemeth gives birth to a daughter, raises the daughter until her current body is too old to keep going, and then body-snatches the daughter in order to continue living. She makes sure her daughters are all skilled in magic so the process is easier. Creepy. Anyway, Morrigan's request was nothing less, and nothing more, than that Elissa head back to the swamp and kill Flemeth.

"I'm not easy in my mind about it," she said. "Flemeth saved our lives at Ostagar. It seems wrong to take hers."

"Then what will you do?"

"I'll go to the swamp, if you're willing to accompany me, after we do what needs to be done at Ostagar. Maybe we can find a peaceful resolution. I want to try that, at any rate."

I looked at Wynne, and she looked at me. "We'll go with you," she told Elissa. "I don't know this mother of Morrigan's, but if nothing else, I'm not comfortable letting you face her on your own."

"Thank you."

I'm really growing very fond of Wynne. We chat a lot, she and I. We've talked about whether we think the Circle of Magi will ever be back to normal, and if she'll be strong enough to face the memories when she returns there. (She doesn't think she will be; I disagree, she's a pretty strong lady.) I asked if she has any children or grandchildren, and then I may have accidentally sort of insulted her by telling her she struck me as the grandmotherly type. She took it in mostly good humor, though. Then she admitted that sometimes the mages of the Circle would seek each other out for, ahem, company. After that she didn't seem so much like a grandmother anymore.

Ostagar.

I've waited to update this journal simply because I needed time to process my own feelings about everything we endured there. That the place was crawling with darkspawn came as no surprise, but other things most certainly did. Some of them weren't even bad.

We entered the ruins, and at first, all was quiet except our own boots crunching on the snow. We were on the western side of the gorge, where we used to sleep and live and... well. Elissa kept gazing around in some confusion; I couldn't really blame her. The snow obscured many landmarks, so we were each rather disoriented, and of the three of us she had spent the least amount of time there - she only arrived the day before the battle, after all.

Abruptly, however, she seemed to gain some sort of understanding of where we were. She moved forward slowly, up a ramp (those ancient Tevinters really didn't care much for stairs, come to think of it), paused, and looked around again. And then she smiled.

"Alistair," she said, "this is where we first met."

I studied the area for a moment. "You're right," I agreed. "I was standing just here, and you approached from that direction."

"And you said you love how the Blight brings everyone together."

"And you called me a strange man."

"And I was right."

I had to grin at her. The hood of her cloak was thrown back, and her cheeks were pink from the cold. A few rays of winter sunshine were sneaking down through the cloud cover, one of them finding the back of her head to illuminate. It made her sort of glow for a moment, especially with that impish little smile on her face.

Wynne spared me from possibly saying anything inconvenient by clearing her throat. "That's very sweet, children," she scolded mildly, "but we need to keep moving."

"That we do. Though, if we met here," Elissa said, looking around again, "then the old Tevinter chapel where I took my Joining should be over there, and I just want to see..." She trailed off, heading in that direction, and by the time we caught up to her she was searching through the snow.

"Elissa? What are you -"

She interrupted my question with a little cry of joy, and stood up. "I thought - I hoped - it was still here." Turning around, she lifted her hands, and there in her grip was the Joining Chalice, the silver rim still bearing faint bloodstains from ceremonies past. "Here, Alistair, you take it. Keep it safe. We'll need it if we're going to ever replenish our numbers."

"I can hardly believe you found it," I said, accepting the goblet. "You really are amazing."

The moment was interrupted by an attack by some darkspawn, and once they were all dead, we made the sickening discovery that one of them was wearing Cailan's greaves. His gold armor, with the dragon head on the breastplate, is too distinctive not to recognize; I remember our father wearing it on those rare occasions I saw him when I was younger. I held the greaves in my hands, just staring at them, and the two women watched me.

It was Wynne who chose to speak. "What's the matter, Alistair?"

"I don't know. It just feels wrong to find this here, pawed over by darkspawn and thick with their rot. It was his."

"I know, I feel it too," she said gently. "But he is not the first king to ever fall in battle, or even the first to fall to the darkspawn."

"Yes, but..." I was trying to find words. "This wound cuts deeper." I don't even know why. It's not like Cailan and I had a relationship. But still... he was my king. And my brother. I resolved, in that moment, to find the rest of his armor, and do something with it to honor his memory.

We cleared the western grounds of darkspawn. There were a few items worth reclaiming still on the grounds - some arrows, a stray book, things that I'm sure can be put to use at Soldier's Peak. Elissa found the statue Elric had described and retrieved his key, and with some difficulty we located Cailan's private chest. Inside were documents - correspondence between Cailan and the Empress of Orlais, indicating that they were in peace negotiations. The Empress had agreed to send forces to help us fight the darkspawn and was just waiting for his response - a response that will never come, now, thanks to Loghain's betrayal.

I said as much, and Wynne replied, "Never is a long time, Alistair. Give it time and let cooler heads prevail. There will be peace between us yet."

This object of our mission concluded, I expressed to my companions my desire to reclaim the rest of Cailan's armor, and they agreed. To that end, Elissa began to lead us across the bridge toward the Tower of Ishal, but halfway there we stopped. She made this noise of pure horror and turned away her head.

Cailan's body was there, at the midpoint of the bridge. The darkspawn had strung him up and left him to rot. I'm amazed they spared him the dignity of leaving his smallclothes. He hung on a strange display, his arms outstretched, his neck bent at a sickening angle. "We have to do something," Elissa said miserably. "We can't leave him like this."

"We won't." I looked up at his familiar face. There was more of a resemblance between us than I had ever really noticed when he was alive. "Forgive us, my king. When we have driven the darkspawn from their holes and bought ourselves some time, we shall return to see you to the Maker."

We barely had time to turn away from Cailan to deal with the next group of darkspawn that came charging at us from the far side of the bridge. In the distance we could see a particular darkspawn, a crazed-looking figure who seemed to be directing the others. In fact, it took a few sightings before I understood it, but he was actually using magic. I didn't know darkspawn could be that advanced in their thought processes. Then again, darkspawn are twisted versions of the three main races, and magic is an inborn ability, so... I guess it's possible. I'm trying not to think about it too much, it makes my head hurt.

We cleared off the enemy, not that easily to be honest. The darkspawn mage, or whatever he is, ran into the tower so we had to give chase. A lot of this has blurred in my mind, although we did recover Cailan's gauntlets and breastplate in the process. We had to follow the mage down under the Tower of Ishal, where there's a series of tunnels and old Tevinter burial sites. "Ugh," I muttered, "down the hole and into the deep. I don't want to even imagine where that leads." But we had no choice, not if we wanted to properly avenge those lost in the battle. And of course, we did.

After a grueling series of fights through the tunnels, we emerged below the ruins. There was a fairly peaceful-looking sort of field there, and we couldn't help thinking that the worst was over. We were wrong. The mage turned out to be - well, Wynne said it's a special kind of mage called a necromancer, able to resurrect the dead, and he... I can hardly believe I'm writing this. He resurrected the ogre that killed Duncan. His sword and dagger were still in the thing's chest, I recognized their hilts.

And we killed it. We avenged Duncan, took back his weapons. And then we killed the necromancer and reclaimed Cailan's helm. "There it is, the last of them," I said with a sigh. Elissa was cleaning Duncan's sword.

"It's been a long day," said Wynne. "By the lines around your eyes, Alistair, I daresay you look as old as I."

"And if I may say so, my lady," I teased her, "you appear to be getting younger by the day."

"Be careful who you flirt with, young man," she said with a chuckle. "When you wake up beside me tomorrow morning, I'll be back to reminding you of your grandmother."

I saw Elissa's eyes go wide, though she was evidently trying not to listen. I glanced at Wynne, who shrugged. "It wouldn't be the first time I woke to find a younger man in my bed."

"Are all women this conniving and evil when they get old?"

"Just me, my dear."