Shadow and Rose

by Lady Norbert

A/N: This is, I suspect, the chapter for which many of you have been waiting. Consider it a holiday gift (any holiday you might personally celebrate, and I wish you a joyful whatever) from a humble author to the readers who make her happy. Especially when they review. Nudge nudge. ;)

Chapter Sixteen: Asturian's Might

A powerful sword, forged for Warden Commander Asturian by dwarven smiths and presented to him upon the completion of Soldier's Peak.

The days feel like they're flying here, which is a shame because I would really like them to last. If I can be blunt, this is the happiest I've been since Ostagar. I wouldn't say that we're all becoming the best of friends, exactly, but we have more opportunity to get to know each other here than we did in camp and it's pretty nice. I enjoy spending time with Wynne, and Sten's really quite conversible when I can actually get him to talk, and Zevran's not really that bad at all when he's not staring where he shouldn't, and I'm getting to like Leliana even though I'm still not sure she's entirely sane. Levi Dryden's a good man, as is Mikhael, and the refugees all seem very pleasant and hardworking. Shale's all right, for the most part, and Morrigan... well, nothing's perfect.

And of course there's Elissa, and I don't really think I need to say much about that. She's happy here too, or at least as happy as I've ever seen her. She runs about all day long, making decisions and giving directions and advice and trying to make sure everyone's comfortable. I suspect that keeping so busy is actually just a way for her to distract herself - from grieving for her family, from thinking about what lies ahead of us, from everything that weighs on her shoulders. Rebuilding Soldier's Peak is cheerful work for her, unlike slaughtering darkspawn or hunting down Eamon's cure.

Wynne agrees with me about that, but she doesn't seem to think it's an entirely healthy thing for her to be doing. I asked her about it, and she said that she's worried that if Elissa keeps distracting herself, it's going to be that much harder to face the reality of things when she no longer has a choice about it. I guess that's true.

But it's so nice to see her like this. I hate to think that she's going to have it taken away again.

Spent the morning helping with more of the refurbishment of the archivist's rooms, and we've just finished the midday meal; I'm sitting in my room at the moment, enjoying a little quiet. We're all pretty busy, although nobody quite like Elissa. Each of us helps with making the keep a home, and we all spend time training and sparring and building up our strength and skills. It's not all work, of course. Sometimes we play games, or have long conversations. I like sitting with Wynne, helping to wind her yarn or just talking to her about things. She's told me a few stories from when my father was king, which are interesting.

Of course I like it best when I can be with Elissa. We aren't alone together much, and I wish that we could be. That might be for the best, in its way. It's getting harder and harder not to just come out and declare myself. I ought to do it sometime soon, really, but she's already got so much on her mind that I'm hesitant to add to it.

Hang on, someone's knocking on my door.

Speak - well, write - of the Warden and she appears.

"Am I disturbing you? This can wait if it's a bad time."

"No, no, not at all. Bad time? When could it ever be a bad time to see you?" Maker, I try so hard to be smooth and I swear I just sound like a moron.

She smiled, though. "Well, I have a favor to ask, if you're willing."

"Something you need, my dear?"

I think she turned a little pink at that, but the corridor's a bit dim so it was hard to tell. "I know you're not a full Templar," she said, "but I was thinking that it might be useful if I could learn at least some of what you know. Templars are so good on the battlefield, and you know spells that the rest of us don't, and I can't help thinking that it could help if I could share some of that knowledge."

"Ah." Not quite what I'd expected, certainly not what I'd have liked her to need from me, but an interesting proposition. "Well, first, I should explain that I don't know any spells. Templars... it's actually more like an anti-magic. In fact, one of the things I know how to do is to undo all magic in the area surrounding me - I don't do it often because I don't want to interfere with Wynne or Morrigan's spells, but I can do it. The other thing I should point out is that fully-fledged Templars have to swallow lyrium in order to do what they do. I don't do that, as you might have noticed, so I'm not as powerful as they are."

"That stands to reason, I suppose."

"Having said that, if you really want to learn, I'll teach you what I know."

"Wonderful! Thank you so much. I have a few other things to take care of today, but do you think we could work on it tomorrow? After lunch perhaps?"

I wonder if I'd ever be able to say no to those eyes. Anyway, we agreed on a time and she was on her way, and I sat down to think about the whole thing.

It's kind of funny that she asked, really. Women don't become Templars, at least not officially. It's one of those odd rules in the Chantry. Women become lay sisters, Chanters, priests, and eventually Revered Mothers if they devote themselves to Andraste enough. Men may be lay brothers or Chanters, but not priests, and more often they're Templars. It's just the way things are. I don't know why.

But it's not like she's going to become an official Templar from my teaching anyway. I mean, I'm not a Templar myself, so I can't very well make someone else a Templar. All she asked was that I teach her what I know. I can do that. Holy Smite in particular is great for knocking down groups of opponents - that's bound to come in handy when we're up against a whole lot of darkspawn, right? And she's a quick study, from what I've seen, so it's not going to take long.

So today we started Elissa's Templar training.

Cold as it was, we did the training in the outer bailey's sparring yard so as not to disturb anyone. As I expected, she's picking it up rapidly. I mean, she's only learning the combat aspects, not the other studies, so it won't take as long as it usually does, but still. If women could be Templars, they'd have been lucky to get her. But frankly, I don't even care. Because it's what happened after we finished for the day that I want to remember. I just hope I'm able to describe it well.

We sat down on a bench afterward, taking a rest and admiring the improvements being slowly made to Soldier's Keep. "It's really coming along, don't you think?" she asked. "A lot has been done in a relatively short time. I'm so pleased."

I glanced at her, and smiled. Her expression was serene; the winter sunlight shone on her hair, and for some reason I found myself admiring the smooth curve of her jaw, of all things. "You have a right to be proud," I said. "You've ordered things so well. You think of everything."

"Not everything," she replied, "but I try. At least Mother's lessons haven't been entirely wasted, even if they didn't achieve exactly what she had in mind."

That made me think of what Wynne had said, comparing Elissa to Anora - equal in birth and beauty. I will never be able to agree with the second observation, but the first is true enough. "Can I ask you something about that? Something a bit personal?"

"If you like."

"Well, I just was wondering... why weren't you ever betrothed? I mean, most of the young noblewomen I ever met had marriages arranged for them early." Anora had been promised to Cailan practically from the cradle, according to Arl Eamon, so I had to wonder why Elissa hadn't had a similar fate. (Not that I'm complaining. It would have been torture to fall in love with her if she had.)

She turned to look at me, apparently thinking about it. "It's a fair question. I don't entirely know," she admitted. "From something my mother said once, though, she and Father were having a hard time finding a suitable husband for me. Fergus was easily arranged. I think I told you Oriana was from Antiva. Her father was what you'd call an impoverished noble; he still had his name and his bloodline, but his family had long since lost its lands. He was only too happy to think of his daughter becoming teyrna. And Oriana herself was lovely - kind, pious, affectionate. It didn't take long for my brother to grow to love her, or the rest of us either, for that matter. She and I were good friends."

"But they didn't have the same luck with you?"

She shook her head. "Truthfully? Mother thought it might be the swordplay. She always said that she was a decent warrior in her day - she still was, right up until the end - but that it was the 'softer arts' that let her find a good husband. I don't have any objections to the softer arts, but you might have noticed they're not what I do best."

"You do well enough with them from what I've seen."

"Thank you. But she was worried, and maybe rightfully so, that if I didn't pay more attention to them and less to my blade, I wouldn't marry well. Of course," she added, with a devious little smile, "that didn't suit me. I told my father once that I didn't want to marry a man who couldn't win my heart, and the only way to win my heart was to best me with the sword."

I laughed. "What did his lordship say to that?"

"I believe his exact words were, 'I look forward to your spinsterhood, pup.'"

"And is that still the only way to win your heart?"

I saw her glance at me out of the corner of her eye. "Well, I don't know," she said lightly. "I've never had anyone challenge me with that end in view."

My heart was trying to pound its way out of my chest. Except for the Joining, I don't think I've ever done anything so terrifying in my life as what I did next. "Shall I take off my gauntlet and throw it on the ground, or will a verbal challenge suffice?"

Watching her face get all pink was enjoyable. "No, I think the verbal is enough. Now?"

"I'm game if you are."

You know, I barely remember the actual 'duel,' to the extent that you can even call it a duel. I know it was difficult - I wanted to fight hard enough to win, almost as if my life depended on it, but I had to control my strikes enough that I wouldn't hurt the very woman I wanted to win. But what I remember most is the dawning comprehension that she wasn't trying very hard.

Our swords clashed together and fought for dominance between us, mere inches from our faces. Starfang's oddly-colored blade made her eyes look even bluer than usual, until I finally pushed her back. I reached up and pulled off my helmet, tossing it aside; despite the winter chill, it was absolutely boiling under the visor. Elissa hesitated, then removed hers too, and asked, "Should we continue?"

"I think we either have to continue or... or call it a draw."

"That does seem reasonable," she agreed, lowering her sword. "If we call it a draw, I suppose you could say that we both win."

"It's a compromise. You can still say that you haven't been bested in combat." I dared to move closer. "And I?"

"You can say that you have what you were trying to win." She spoke carefully, almost fearfully.

"I can say it. But is it true?"

"Well, remind me. What is it you were trying to win again?"

I had to laugh. "You're a terrible tease, you know." I brought my free hand to her jaw, tilted her face up a bit, and kissed her. She's the only woman I've ever kissed, and it's strange; the more I kiss her, the more I want to kiss her. I wonder if that's normal.

That was a few hours ago, and I'm still sitting here playing it over in my mind. I can call her mine now - I am hers, and she's mine. The Grey Warden, the rose of Highever, the light in Ferelden's darkness, savior of mages and Templars, friend of Qunari and Antivan Crows. Call her what you will, it's all the same. She's everything all in one. The most magnificent woman in the world, probably the most magnificent woman (except for Andraste) who has ever lived.

And she loves me. I must be the luckiest man alive.

Though as I write that, it occurs to me that she never said as much. Come to think of it, I still haven't said it to her either. I think I need to go rectify this. Right now. She won't have gone to bed just yet.

I don't think that what happened is quite what I intended when I left my room, but I'd be an idiot to complain.

I managed to catch Elissa in the hall outside her quarters. She had come from the bath house, by the look of things; her hair was braided, but the braids were hanging loose and still a bit damp, and her skin had that just-scrubbed look to it. The sight of her set my pulse racing again, and I sort of started babbling. I seem to do that a lot with her, though maybe now that we've gotten this out of the way I'll be better. She didn't seem entirely flattered, at first, when I told her that whenever I'm around her I feel like my head's about to explode. Probably not the best choice of words, really.

"Here's the thing," I said. "Being near you makes me crazy. But I can't imagine being without you. Not ever." She softened at that. And then - no, really, I didn't plan this, it just sort of came out. I asked to spend the night with her, in her room. To throw caution to the wind and just be with her. How did I put it? Oh, right. "I wanted to wait for the perfect time, the perfect place - but when will it be perfect? If things were perfect, we wouldn't even have met. We sort of stumbled into each other, and despite this being the least perfect time, I still found myself falling for you in between all the fighting and everything."

Truth is, I just didn't want to wait anymore, because if something happens - if one of us dies in this war, or both of us do, or something else goes wrong - I wanted to have had at least one perfect night with this woman I completely adore. Maybe it wasn't the right time, or maybe it was, or maybe there's no such thing as the right time.

I was fully expecting her to say no, or maybe to even slap me or something. Instead, she stared, and then she nodded, and I think she actually said the word yes but my heart was pounding in my ears and I couldn't exactly hear clearly. And then I was kissing her, and she was fumbling with the latch behind her, and the next thing I knew we were in her room and she locked the door.

I'm not going to describe what happened next. I'll never be able to do it justice. But it was glorious.

Later, we were wrapped in her sleeping furs, Elissa curled against my side, and her braids trailed over my chest while I traced patterns on her shoulder. "You know, according to all the sisters at the monastery, I should have been struck by lightning by now."

"Mm. Not for that performance," she teased. Her voice was sweetly seductive, and I felt stupidly proud at her words.

"You do realize the rest of our little party is going to talk, right? They do that." I was pretty sure that we'd been fairly quiet, but I just had a feeling that at least a few of them would figure out what happened.

"Hmph. Let them talk," she said. "First one who makes a comment is getting tossed to the darkspawn."

I had to laugh. "See, this is why I love you. Did I mention that, by the way? That I love you? Because I do. It won't kill you to hear it again, will it? I love you."

"I love you too."

Maker, You have blessed me above every other man in Thedas.

We fell silent for a bit. I was playing with her hair, brushing her cheeks with the end of one of her braids, and I think she was almost asleep. "I've been thinking."

"About what?" She opened her eyes and looked at me.

"What we'll do after this is all over. You know. Once we stop the Blight."

"Oh, right. What do you want to do?"

"That's what I've been thinking about. If it all goes well, I want us to come back here, you and me. Back to Soldier's Peak. Finish overseeing its restoration, and contact the motherhouse at Weisshaupt for information about how to do the Joining and whatever else we need to know."

"I like this plan."

"And then we'll rebuild our ranks," I added softly. "You and I - we'll be mother and father, essentially, to a whole new generation of Fereldan Grey Wardens."

"Together?" She sounded drowsy. "Always?"

"Always."

"Yes. Let's do this."

We fell asleep not long after that, and it was very hard for me to leave her bed in the morning to come back to my own. I wish things could be different for us in so many ways. I wish I could give her a more normal life - a home, safety, peace.

But she loves me. She accepts my love and she returns it. That's more than I ever dared to hope for, and I'm grateful.