CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Marina had left a radiant Clarina that morning and the meeting with the editor had been productive. She threw her bag onto the couch in the studio, humming as she moved. She looked at the shabby little studio, the one she'd not had the courage to invite any of her old acquaintances into and decided that she didn't mind it after all. In fact, she really rather liked its rough edges and imperfect set-up, its austerity. Simple.
Moving to the table she began file some invoices she'd processed the day before. She felt buoyed up, there was lightness in her step. She smiled as she slid her thick black rimmed glasses on and loosely platted her hair out of the way as she thought about that morning, at how the three of them had sat in bed, whispering together. Her heart had warmed seeing Clara with her son tucked into her, his mop of blond hair and his sweet baby face so earnest and innocent, looking up with implicit trust. She'd felt so…grateful to be there with them in this private, special moment. She hadn't even minded that it had been early, she'd forgotten that she wasn't a morning person and was convinced that from now on she would always wake up early just so she could take part in their little tete a tete.
More importantly Clara had asked her to stay. It felt big. It felt huge even, as huge as the moment she'd arrived breathless at the departure gate and said she would come to Paris with her. Moments like that are what life hinged on, that turned lives on their axis. As she'd left that morning Clara had kissed her at the door, Ivan's gaze on them and told her to bring some clothes over, she'd make some room for her.
Between that and the sale of her photos things felt good. Like she'd turned a corner and the tunnel that had seemed so interminable and black now promised a pin prick light that seemed to be growing brighter every moment.
"You're humming, you must be happy." Said a voice behind her.
Marina's voice fell silent, she paused. Slowly she turned towards the door.
"May I come in?" Vanessa asked.
Mutely Marina nodded and the levity that had made her hum vanished into her shoes. She watched Vanessa walk in slowly, looking around. She felt something churn in her stomach. She saw it all through Vanessa's eyes and suddenly her shabby little studio was exactly that. Shabby. Rough. Imperfect.
"It's a good space" Vanessa commented.
"It is." She said daring her to deny it, "I share with another photographer which makes the rent affordable."
"Opa! Marina Mereille thinking about affordability!" and it was almost like old times with Vanessa's twinkling eyes and her cheeky grin.
"I haven't had much choice. You especially know that."
Vanessa nodded.
"How've you been, Van?"
"I've been good."
"How are things with Flavinha?"
Marina hadn't had a great deal of contact with the former assistant in a while. When she'd let her go they'd embraced and promised to stay in touch but with the way things were with Vanessa, she'd slipped away as though she was part of an old life that no longer fit with the one she led now. Marina had reached out when she heard about Flavinha starting her own business and they'd promised to have a coffee and catch up but it hadn't happened.
"Great, actually. She just landed her first major campaign."
"Oh, that's wonderful!"
And Marina meant it but she couldn't help but feel a little jealous too. Flavinha had Van, she had work. She had work because she had Van.
"That's why I'm here, sort of, I uh… I know of an advertising campaign for Tag Heuer and they need a photographer… I thought…"
"Van – you know I don't like doing adverts – "
"Marina! Come one – you just said that I know how desperate your finances are. Can you afford not to take this?"
"I…" Marina was about to list all the usual reasons why she didn't want to take this but then she caught herself. Yes, she'd sold some work and bring some money but she knew it wouldn't be enough. She needed to be practical yet again and she had to swallow her pride.
"You're right," she said, pinching the bridge of her nose, "I should do this."
Vanessa stood and looked at her with a look that seemed to be a mixture of surprise and admiration.
"You've changed." She said.
Marina laughed self consciously.
"I guess I didn't have much choice." She said.
"Still."
"I guess."
They paused, an awkwardness pressing down on them. There was so much that existed in the space between them that was both wonderful and awful and too much for them to simply pretend like this wasn't the first time in months they'd seen each other.
"I'm seeing Flavinha." Vanessa said abruptly.
"Oh." Marina said feeling the air press out of lungs, " That's wonderful, Van, I'm so happy for you."
"I love her."
"That's wonderful."
She didn't know if she was surprised or not. She didn't know how okay she was with it. She tried to picture them together and she figured it could work and wondered how long there had been something between them. She wondered if it meant Vanessa had moved on. Marina wanted to hug her but she hesitated.
"Well…I guess I should go. I'll send you the info for Tag Heuer and… yeah…"
Vanessa turned to leave.
"Stay." Marina called out. Vanessa stopped and looked at her. "Stay a bit longer, Van. Have a drink with me, won't you? I would really like to hear more about how you are."
Van lingered, shifting her weight.
"Yeah, okay," she said, "I can do that."
Xxx
"I don't know what to do anymore, Marina. He wouldn't even talk to me when I dropped Ivan off today. He was acting like a petulant child."
"I wish I knew what to suggest, my love."
They were in Clara's room on Friday night, standing side by side at the dresser, their make-up spread out as they prepared to go out.
"He's struggling with it all, Clarinha, and your decision to have me stay when Ivan is here must be hard to reconcile…"
"I thought he wanted to hit me when I told him."
"Would he?"
"I don't know… before I would have said no, categorically."
"I've seen him in the Cultural Shed a few times and I'm pretty sure he'd would happily give me a slap based on how he's looked at me…"
"I wish I knew what to do…"
"I think you're doing everything you can… how do I look?"
Marina gave a twirl.
"You look divine." Clara said appreciatively, "and we should get going if we want to make the premier."
"I don't know if Daniel would forgive me if we were late! He's been merciless about us not finishing the copy of that movie he gave me because… well, you remember…"
"How could I forget!" Clara said with a wicked smile.
"Gosh, I'm nervous!" Marina exclaimed running her hand through her hair a final time.
"Why? Because it's a red carpet event?"
"No – because Van and Flavinha will be there."
"Oh my honey, I can't tell you how pleased I am that you and her are friends again."
"I hope that's what we are… it was so strange finally talking to her again." Marina said.
"Strange how?"
"Because…" Marina trailed off as she put her lipstick into her purse, "it will never be like it was before."
"How do you know that for sure?"
Marina hesitated because she knew what she was going to say wasn't noble or fair. It wasn't reflective of who she wanted to be. But it was how she felt and she'd promised herself that with Clara she would be honest, always. She played with the zip as she spoke - sometimes it was easier to say things to Clara when she didn't have to look at her beautiful brown eyes.
"She's moved on from me. And don't get me wrong, that's a good thing. It's great, I'm so happy for her. But, you know… for the longest time I had her all to myself. She poured all of her love and energy into me… and I can't lie, I like that… all that attention. Those moments when it was just us two in the world and I knew she'd do anything for me…"
She waited for Clara to say something. She heard her move in and her arm slip around her waist, the other lift her chin.
"Are you saying you wanted… want her romantically?"
Her eyes drew Marina in, past the question, deep into her soul.
"No." she breathed, "not at all.."
"I think I get it."
"You do?"
"It's like when I saw Veronica with Cadu. It just…feels funny, doesn't it, having had something and then suddenly not to have it anymore, having that loving presence, even if it wasn't right and then for it to just… be gone."
"Yeah…" Marina blew out her breath and smiled. She moved in closer, resting side of her head against Clara's, her lips to her ears, eyes closed. "How do you understand me so well, my love?"
"Sometimes I feel like you are a part of my soul that broke off and fell into your body…" Clara murmured and then laughed, pulling back so she could hold Marina's face in her hands, "Does that sound stupidly corny?"
Marina grinned. "No, my love… it sounds like the truth."
Those words chased away any feelings of sadness about Vanessa, they settled at the center of her and glowed quietly, assuredly the way truths do. Their lips pressed together, their arms tightening around each other, sighing for a long moment. When they parted they both had misty eyes and they laughed again because it felt so good to be together, in each other's arms.
"I think I just ruined your lipstick." Clara said licking her thumb and trying to clean it.
"Well, I think you're probably wearing most of it!"
Xxx
The taxi pulled up in front of the Roxy. The door was opened by a young man in a suit with white gloves, offering them his hand to help them slid out . They stepped onto the bright red carpet. Marina held out her hand and Clara entwined hers, making their way to the entrance door.
"Marina!" a journalist called out as they passed, "Do you have a moment for the answer a few questions?"
Marine smiled graciously
"Of course."
Clara stood back and watched as the journalist asked about her upcoming work. A few more steps and some photographers were asking Marina to pose for them, their flashbulbs pinging off as she stood there. After a few moments she turned to Clara and held out her hand, pulling her close.
"Marina!" Clara exclaimed.
"Smile for the camera!"
"Marina!" one of the photographers called out, "who is this?"
"Clara Fernandez!" Marina called back
Snap, snap, snap when the photographers. Clara blushed, her heart beating fast in her chest and was barely conscious of anything more until they made it into the cinema lobby.
"A small red carpet, you said?"
"Well that was small..."
David approached, sweeping Marina up into a big hug and berated her soundly for not being in touch more before moving on to other guests. A little ways away Vanessa and Flavinha spotted them and waved, making their way over. She felt Marina's had tighten around hers and they greeted each other warmly in spite of the shaky undercurrent. Flavinha looked somewhat guilty, her eyes apologising to Marina with every word until Marina took her by the arm and asked her tell her all about her studio and her first campaign.
"You're not mad?"
"Oh posh, you are an excellent photographer and I can say that with pride because you learnt from me."
"I'm so relieved!" and Flavinha smiled
This left Clarina and Vanessa to to look at each other for a moment.
"So I heard you work for Claudio?"
"Uh... yeah. I do."
"He's a good guy."
"Yes, he is."
"If a little exacting."
"That he is."
Clara was trying to gauge Vanessa, see if she could detect any sarcrasm, any snidness. She didn't. As they talked she found that she was warming to the woman in a way she never imagined she would because she'd never seen her quite like this. She seemed at ease, relaxed and happy. When she looked to Flavinha, Clara could see that light in her eyes that once used to belong to Marina, only this time there was not sharpness to it. It suited her. In the taxi home late that night Marina tucked up against her, falling asleep from too much wine Clara suggested they invite them over for dinner sometime and Marina smiled and agreed.
They slept late and were woken to the rapping on the front door. Clara scurried through the living room as she tied a dressing gown, opening up to find her mother standing there holding a newspaper. She flipped it over and shoved it in Clara's sleepy face.
"What the hell is this, Clara?!" she exclaimed, without preamble pointing to the gossip column. There, clear as day, was a picture of Marina kissing her full on the lips next to the staircase in the Roxy.
Clara felt the blood drain out of her face.