CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Taking the newspaper in her hand, Clara stared down at the picture of her and Marina kissing. Her eyes drifted to the image beside it, Clara whispering in Marina's ear, another picture of them holding hands as they entered the Roxy, a final one of them posing for the cameras, their arms tight around each others waist and big smiles. Her eyes returned to the one of them in the shadows of the Roxy staircase - there was no way these images could be interpreted otherwise. Marina was holding her close with her arms on her back. Clara was quite obviously a willing participant, her hand on her cheek, eyes closed. Lovers.
The title in bold block lettering shouted: Finally Caught! Marina Mereille and her Lady Love.
"Long suspected to be lesbian, Marian Mereille, celebrated photographer, was caught kissing this mystery woman identified as Clara Fernandez in the shadows of the party after the Brazilian premier for the gay themed move "The Way He Looks." at the Roxy last night When asked if they were an item she was coy and refused to give a clear answer. We all know what that means, right?"
Oh God. Oh Holy Mother of God. She felt that lurching in the stomach that made her breath come short. She moved to the couch, Chica entering behind her and closing the door.
"What were you thinking, Clara?"
"I didn't... I mean, I didn't know, I didn't think..."
And she hadn't. It hadn't occurred to her she needed to be careful at an LGBTQ event. It hadn't occurred to her that the photographers would care. She forgot most of the time that Marina was famous, that she was known and that people would want to know these things about her. To her she was just Marina, the woman who snorted when she laughed to loud, who would screw her face up when she accidentally ate anchovies, who almost purred with satisfaction when Clara scratched her back while they cuddled in bed at night.
"No, you quite clearly didn't think. Because if you had, Clara, you wouldn't be kissing your girlfriend in public when there is paparazzi lurking around! How could you do this? How could you be so indiscreet?" Her voice came out through clenched teeth trying to sound calm and failing.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."
Clara's head was in her hands. She looked up to her mother tentatively and saw her eyes berating her with a look of disappointment that had always made her feel two inches tall ever since she was a child. Chica didn't even have to say anything, it was clearly written on her face, it stung deeper than any words could.
"What's going on?" Marina asked as she walked in as she tied a silk dressing gown around her frame. Chica pushed the newspaper at her, her hands on her hips as she watched Marina read it.
"Oh." Marina said. She looked to Clara then and saw the hunched shoulders. She moved swiftly to her side, sitting down on the couch a warm hand resting on her back.
"I'm so sorry, Clara, I didn't think..."
"Don't,"Clara whispered, "It's not your fault, don't you blame yourself."
Chica was pacing across the living room shaking her head . "I can't believe you 'd be this careless. Now the whole of San Paolo knows and god knows that given Marina's name it'll spread across the world. My daughter! Caught kissing a woman in public, the shame!"
"I... I though you were okay with it." Clara said her voice small.
"I've been trying, Clara, believe me, I've been trying. It's bad enough you've divorced this amazing man who fathered your child, for you to start a relationship with a woman, without spreading your name across the media, exposing things that are better left alone.."
Clara bit her trembling lip.
"Chica, please..." Marina said
"With all due respect, you stay out of this Marina, this is between me and my daughter."
"She feels terrible enough already. Look at her!"
"Well how do you think I feel, seeing my daughter implicated in this scandal!"
"You speak as if this is shameful!" Marina said, standing, her voice rising. "It isn't. It's beautiful! And I refuse to feel ashamed for loving your daughter, Chica. And I would have hoped that you never make her feel ashamed of our love either!"
"Be unashamed, that's fine, Marina. But have some self respect. Keep it behind closed doors."
"Is that what you tell Helena? Or Filipe? Do you tell them to keep their relationship behind closed doors?"
A knock at the door prevented Chica from replying but their thunderous eyes were locked, the air thickly charged. Any veneer of a convival relations between them had dropped away and Clara saw that Chica had indeed been trying to be okay with this but that she ultimately wasn't. She thought this love she had was wrong in spite of inviting Marina into her home to look at pictures, of inviting her to their family dinners. It choked her. It made it felt like needles being shoved into her heart. Clara tugged at Marina's wrist, her eyes pleading her to stop. Marina's looked to her and her gaze softened, she sat down next to her again.
When neither Clara or Marina moved to open the door, Chica swiveled to do it.
In marched Cadu, a newspaper in hand.
"You've seen it too?" he asked Chica when he spotted the newspaper on the coffee table. His eyes swiveled onto Marina.
"You snake of a woman..." he started but before he could say anything more, Clara shot up, her face becoming hard.
"Don't you dare, Cadu." she growled.
"What? Tell the truth? This woman is a sneaky and unfeeling. I don't understand how this.." He gestured to Marina, "is what you could possibly want."
"Stop it Cadu!"
"I will do what I damn well like, Clara, you're not my wife anymore, you don't have the right to tell me what to say or not to say."
"But I do have the right defend my girlfriend from your bullying, Cadu. Don't you dare come into my home like this and start mouthing off. It's you who has no right."
"I have every bloody right, Clara. Do you think this doesn't concern me? Affect me? Do you not think that this doesn't affect our son? And this woman is respons..."
Something in Clara seemed to snap then,
"Get out!" she shouted, "Get out! Don't you dare bring Ivan into this, don't you dare use my son to emotionally blackmail me again!"
She pushed him then, using her body weight to throw him off balance to shove him towards the door. He staggered back a few steps.
"Clara..."
"Get out!"
She almost screamed this and in this moment she though she could murder him, she was so mad. As the vibration of her voice faded she saw Cadu take her in.
"We'll talk later." he said, his eyebrows heavy over his eyes. Then he turned, walked past Chica and out the door, slamming it shut.
Chica looked at them for a moment . Then shaking her head and without a word, she too exited the apartment. Clara stood frozen, her hands clenched into fists, her breath laboured. Behind her she felt Marina step in, her hand coming to rest tentatively on her shoulder and it was too much, her face crumpled and she fled from the room, sorrys tumbling from her lips.
Xxx
Marina watched Clara disappear into the bedroom. Her instincts warred with each other. She wanted to follow Clara, to take her in her arms and promise her that everything would be okay and the other half hesitated because maybe she needed the space. She'd never experienced Clara like this. She rocked on her heels a few times before moving to the bedroom door and knocking softly..
"Clara?"
She pushed the door open to find Clara curled up on the unmade bed, sobs wrenching from her chest. Marina flew to her side, climbing on the bed and pulling her into her arms.
"Oh honey, my sweet love." she murmured and wiped away the tears that were falling on her cheeks. "It's okay, it'll be fine."
"Oh god, Marina, I... I ..." Clara could barely talk.
"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay, let it out." she said and stroked her hair until the tears subsided and she grew still.
"I'm sorry, Marina..."
"Hey, none of that!"
"I'm sorry you had to witness that."
"It's okay, I've been through worse."
"Oh, Marina, I though she was okay with us, I honestly did..."
"Shhhh, don't try and speak. It's okay, it's okay."
Clara cried then, wrapped in Marina's embrace and Marina murmured soothing words, tears forming in her own eyes, trickling into down her cheeks and falling onto the crown of Clara's head. It should be like this, it wasn't fair. Her coming out had been embarrassingly easy. She'd never even had to come out, it was just accepted. Her mother had laughed and hugged her when she'd told her about her first crush. They'd bough chocolates together for her. Her dad had nodded his head and kissed the hand of her first girlfriend the first time she brought her home. Neither had asked if she would one day want to be with a man, or if this was phase. They simply let her be who she was. She'd been aware even then that what she felt was different from most girls her own age, but she'd been brought up to be her own person, her desires and dreams had never been crushed by realism, never been berated for desiring or wanting something that wasn't what everyone else wanted. In fact it had been celebrated. But this clearly wasn't the case for Clara. She came from a background where the expectation was to conform and here she was trying to be quite simiply be herself and it brought out such ugliness in others that it had the love of her life sobbing in her arms. It made her angry.
"I'm sorry." Clara eventually said when her breath had calmed and she'd wiped away the last tears.
"Stop it!" Marina said softly and cupped her face, kissing her salty lips, "I'm here for you."
"What about you, Marina. I mean, you're outed now..."
"And that's fine. It's been one of those things that everyone knew but tactfully never spoke about. I think it's time to be honest about who I am to my public, right?"
"You're so calm about this!"
"It's not a big deal. Why should it be? I'm in love. Does it matter who with? It shouldn't and maybe being pushed out of that closet will help others. So I'm fine. I don't have a Cadu or a Chica in my life..."
Marina saw a flash of pain pass through her eyes and she kicked herself for saying that. She kissed her softly again and then pulled her towards the bathroom.
"I'll make us breakfast while you shower, okay? I'll make you a piping hot coffee and eggs on toast.
Clara smiled then, through her watery eyes.
"You think you can manage?"
"Hey! I only burnt the eggs a little bit last time!" and she laughed.
"I love you, Marina."
"I love you too."
xxx
It was Monday afternoon when she got the call. She'd been working on organising a lunch for Claudio for next week and was getting frustrated at one of the PA's who just wasn't answering her messages to finalise.
Clara had spent the weekend nursing her shredded heart. Marina had been attentive and kind, teasing her until she laughed, putting on music and pulling her up from the couch on Saturday night and dancing with her, twirling her, pulling faces and being silly until she'd cracked a smile and then they'd danced heart to heart. In bed she'd held her tenderly, caressed away her pain and Clara gave herself over to it, this love that defied all obstacles, that was more precious and real than anything else she'd ever experienced, that was both the cause and the answer to this jarring experience in a world where a love between two women was somehow wrong. Marina. This astounding woman. As their bodies moved together beneath the sheets, slow and meditative, Clara's tears were not sad, not joyful, they merely were, a release of so much that had built up inside and she didn't try to stop them because she knew that it was okay, that with Marina, she could be real, always, there was not need to hide.
Sunday they took Ivan out for a bike ride with a packed picnic and it had felt good to be just the three of them, a family. They'd played catch ending, finally, in a puddle on the grass laughing and it had lifted Clara's heart.
When she saw who was calling she frowned and she picked up.
"Mrs Fernandez... it's Ivan. He's had an accident at school. He's on the way to the hospital. Please come quick."
Her heart seemed to stop, she had to brace herself on the desk and she barely managed to stutter a response before she was grabbing her bag and was running out the door.