Shadow and Rose

by Lady Norbert

A/N: Wynne has an uncomfortable habit of being right, as Alistair is about to find out. This is the longest chapter yet, wow!

Duran is the default name for the Dwarf Noble Warden, so that's what I'm using here.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Shield of Highever

This shield was carried by Teyrn Ardal Cousland, who died defending King Vanedrin from the Orlesians at the Battle of Lothering. The face still bears the scars of Orlesian blades.

We are approaching Orzammar, and should be within it by midday tomorrow. I didn't bother to update my journal on the road because, strange as it seems, I didn't really have anything to report. The trip from Denerim to the Frostbacks was remarkably uneventful, a fact for which I think we're all grateful. We had one brief run-in with a small group of bandits, but they ran scared rather than attack a party of our size and, uh, assortment.

The only noteworthy thing I can even think to mention about the trek was something that happened when we stopped to make camp last night. I'm not sure this really qualifies as worth noting, but it caught my attention. See, I'm sort of amused by the way Leliana has taken to Elissa, and vice versa. They've been growing closer for some time, and ever since the run-in with Marjolaine it's gotten more pronounced. I think Leliana really looks up to Elissa. Anyway, I'm not sure where this particular aspect of their friendship started, although Elissa did mention offhandedly one night that Leliana said she liked her hair. But for whatever reason, sometimes they sit by the fire, and Elissa undoes her braids and Leliana combs out the hair for her. They talk quietly, and giggle. It's weird, but it's also really kind of - I don't know another word for it - cute.

Well, last night I happened to look around while this was going on, and I saw Morrigan watching. She still keeps to herself for the most part, with her own little campsite and fire completely separate from the rest of us, and only Elissa ever goes over to visit with her. I don't think she'd let anyone else near her. There was a strange expression on her face, and I kind of got the feeling that she wanted to be part of what she was watching but she didn't dare. Or maybe she just didn't know how.

We arrived at the gates of Orzammar a few hours after breakfast, snow crunching under our boots. I can't blame the surface dwarves for the disbelieving stares they cast in our direction as we trudged up to the heavy metal doors. But I didn't have much attention for them, because there was a row happening on the dwarves' very doorstep.

Some sort of chamberlain-type dwarf was exchanging heated words with - I'm still shaking my head over this one - messengers from Loghain. I could have vomited when I heard the leader of the group refer to him as "King Loghain." King Loghain! I still can't believe it! Bad enough he declared himself regent over his daughter! I don't have anything against Anora; I've never really met her, but I know she's pretty and smart, and she at least has a reasonable claim to the throne as Queen Dowager. Her father's just an elevated farmer who happens to be good at warcraft. Like I said, naming himself regent was bad enough, but how dare he style himself King!

I'm still angry about that, I guess. Anyway, we walked up and heard the chamberlain or whatever he was telling the messengers that they could not enter Orzammar. Apparently, Loghain sent them to demand something from the dwarves - I didn't quite understand exactly what he wanted, to be honest. Tribute? Support? Whatever it was, he wasn't getting it, because the dwarf at the door said that Endrin, King of Orzammar, had died, and until their Assembly chose a new King, Loghain's men weren't getting inside.

Elissa stepped up and presented the treaty. That was different, the dwarf said. The Grey Wardens will always be welcome in Orzammar, no matter who's on the throne. Of course, that didn't go over well with Loghain's men for various reasons, and they started shouting that we had killed Cailan and betrayed the army and it gives me a headache just remembering it. So the door-dwarf said that if we wanted a fight, we needed to take it off the doorstep, and we did. It didn't last long. He even thanked us, when it was over, for relieving him of the nuisance. He gave us the same warning about their King being dead, and said that we were welcome to appeal to the Assembly for help but doubted that they would give any until the succession crisis got resolved.

We did a little exploring, once we got inside, and Orzammar is actually very pleasant... once you get used to the idea that there are miles of rock above your head, and not much room to escape if it decides to come crashing down on you. Zevran's still kind of twitchy about it. "I am - what is the word? Claustrophobic?" I myself am a little less worried about the rock and more unsettled by the rivers of molten lava that go coursing around everywhere; could be very nasty if they should happen to erupt. Anyway, we found the Diamond District, which is where the rich dwarves live, and the poor area called Dust Town. That's populated by what are known as the casteless dwarves, who for some reason are forbidden to take any kind of legal job - meaning they have to resort to either begging or illegal work. In between these two areas is the place known as the Orzammar Commons, which is mostly filled with merchant shops and the Proving Grounds, where they hold fighting competitions.

It's also where I am right now; we've taken a few rooms in Tapster's Tavern, which is the closest thing Orzammar has to an inn. They don't really get a lot of tourism down here, I guess. It was tricky getting them to rent us even enough space so we all have a place to sleep, and Shale couldn't even fit through the door. It doesn't seem to mind, though. It keeps looking around like being in Orzammar is bringing back long-forgotten memories, and a lot of the dwarves keep looking at it in awe.

Sounds like everyone's gotten settled, from what I'm hearing from the hallway, so we're going to go down and see what we can learn.

Once we were all downstairs, and found a table that could actually accommodate all of us, Elissa got the attention of a barmaid who introduced herself as Corra. My lady started to ask questions, but was cut off by a cheerfully wagging finger. "I can't keep this place running if I take too much time to answer you," said Corra. "Now, if you want to bring some coin into the matter, that's a different story."

"Oh, why not." Elissa sounded amused. "A round of ale, then - for the house."

"Generous, aren't you! I'll be back shortly." Corra pattered away and started directing other servers to hand out the pints. "Tell the boys to drink to the pretty human with the giant sword on her back!"

She returned to our table and squinted at the emblem on Elissa's armor. "Oh - a Grey Warden. Well, that's something we don't see everyday at Tapster's. Now, what can I do for you?"

Corra turned out to be a mine of information. She explained that Endrin died just a few weeks ago, of a long-standing illness and also something like heartbreak. Seems the King had three sons; his eldest, Trian, was murdered some months back, and his second son, Duran, was found guilty of the crime and exiled to the Deep Roads. That's basically a death sentence, what with the darkspawn and all. Duran had been his father's favorite child, and was possibly going to be chosen over his older brother to inherit the throne, which has led to a lot of speculation among the dwarves that the youngest of the three, Bhelen, actually framed Duran for Trian's murder so that his own way to the throne would be clear. King Endrin's closest advisor, Lord Harrowmont, claims that on his deathbed, Endrin named him successor instead. So now the Assembly, which is made up of representatives of all the noble houses, is deadlocked because they can't decide if Bhelen or Harrowmont should be the next King.

From everything we've been told, we're going to have to talk to these two in order to get an idea of what's going on. But we've also been made to understand that if we show anything remotely resembling loyalty to one, the other won't give us the time of day. So it looks like we're going to split up, much as we did for Haven and the Brecilian Forest, and in that way manage to talk to them both. First, though, we're going to try approaching the Assembly and also the Shaperate, where records and things like that are stored, to see if we can learn anything from them.

That's all planned for tomorrow, though. Elissa decided that for the rest of today, we should just have a good thorough look around, maybe visit some of the merchants and things, see if we can manage to overhear any useful gossip.

I'm a little flustered right now, and my hands are shaking a bit, so I hope that I'm going to be able to read these words later.

After we finished talking with Corra and then amongst ourselves in Tapster's, we headed out into the Commons. Since we feel reasonably sure that no agent of Loghain is going to spot us down here, none of us are too concerned about separating from the group for a little, and so I didn't worry at first when I realized Elissa and I had gone in different directions. I later had it from Leliana that she went into Dust Town, where she traded silver coins for information from a lame beggar woman.

I ended up walking with Zevran, idly browsing the wares of a few merchants; in addition to their excellent weapons and armor, the dwarves of Orzammar make very beautiful jewelry and I just thought maybe I'd find something to give to Elissa. To be perfectly truthful, I was looking at rings. I'm starting to accept the idea that I'm going to have to be king in order to stop Loghain, but there's no way I can do it without her at my side, so... I was hoping to find something appropriate for that next step in the proceedings. But I don't want to actually ask her until after the Landsmeet when I know for sure what I'm asking her, so when I didn't find anything I wasn't too worried.

Coming back to the point, we then went into the Diamond Quarter; both Prince Bhelen and Lord Harrowmont have hired professional criers to shout insults (probably lies) about each other, which was kind of pathetically amusing. We located both the Assembly and the Shaperate, so they'll be easier to visit tomorrow. I'd lost track of time, walking around and examining the place, but I didn't have any reason to think anything was particularly wrong.

When we got back to the Commons, though, it shortly became apparent that something was. I heard the sound of running feet - the dwarves in Orzammar don't generally run so that was odd - and was half ready to draw my sword when I realized it was Leliana.

"Alistair! Thank the Maker - I've been looking all over for you!"

"What's the matter?"

"It's Elissa - you'd better come quickly. She's in a frightful state."

Zevran and I looked at each other, and then took off at a run after her. She led us through the Commons back to Tapster's. "We were browsing the merchants," she said, as we slowed down, "and she picked up a few little things. Nothing very noteworthy, I thought; a beautiful golden mirror, some gloves, and then a toy sword. That seemed strange."

"A toy sword? Whatever for?"

"That's what I asked. 'Oh,' said she, 'it's for my nephew, Oren. He's wanted his own sword for a while now, and I thought this would be a funny little present.' I didn't know what to say to that."

"She bought a... oh, dear Maker." We came to a halt on the steps leading to the tavern, and I actually grabbed the stair rail.

"What is wrong with this, exactly?" Zevran sounded confused. It took me a few seconds to remember - he didn't join our party until after Elissa told the others about her family's fate. It's probably never come up in conversation between the two of them.

"Elissa's nephew is dead," I explained. I could hear my own voice crack a little. "Her entire family, except for her brother, was murdered. The only reason she escaped is because Duncan - the Warden-Commander - was visiting her family's castle at the time and he brought her away with him to Ostagar to become a Warden."

"Exactly." Leliana looked crushed. "So then Morrigan said, 'Elissa, you bought that for your nephew?' and... oh, it was awful. She suddenly remembered everything. I don't know how she could forget, but in some strange way I guess she did."

"She focuses on our tasks," I said. "Wynne said something to me a while back - that she thought Elissa uses our work as a distraction to keep herself from feeling the pain. She feels like she doesn't have time to grieve, so she buries it." Wynne is so much wiser than I gave her credit for being, but she was right. "Where is she now, Leliana?"

"In her room, with Wynne and Toby. When it all came back to her so suddenly, she virtually collapsed on the spot - Morrigan had Sten carry her upstairs and sent me to find you."

A few minutes later, I was knocking on Elissa's door, and then ventured to open it a few inches. Wynne, seeing that it was me, gave a nod. "Come in," she called softly. She was sitting on Elissa's bed, and had apparently persuaded Elissa to trade her armor for the soft linen garments she had favored in Soldier's Peak. My poor Elissa - she was curled on her side, her face buried in Wynne's lap.

"Elissa... Alistair's here."

Slowly, very slowly, she lifted her head. There was so much pain and agony in her face, my heart broke on the spot. Toby whined at me from the floor, and I knelt down beside him. "I'm here, love. It's all right."

"Alistair..." Her eyes filled with fresh tears, and her expression crumpled again. Wynne helped her to sit up, easing herself out of the comfort spot so I could take her place.

"I'll leave you two alone for a bit," she said. "Just shout if you need me."

"Thank you, Wynne."

It was a little awkward to hold her, since I was still in my armor, but I maneuvered myself onto the bed and she curled up in my arms. In a cracked voice, filled with hiccups, she basically related the same thing Leliana had already told me. "I know he's dead... I know I'll never see that sweet little boy again... but I let myself forget... I can't... I couldn't face it... they're all dead... I couldn't stop it... I should have tried to make my mother leave at least..."

"Sweetheart, you're too hard on yourself. You did the best you could, I don't doubt that for an instant."

"I keep thinking, sometimes, that maybe I'll wake up... and it will have all been a dream..." She snuffled, and Toby thrust his head into her hands. "But then - that means you're only a dream too - I don't want you to be a dream... I wish I could have them and you at the same time..."

"I know. I wish you could too."

"That's why... remember when M-Master Varathorn offered to make me a shield from the ironbark? And I said no? That's why. I have to carry my shield. It's... it's the closest I can come... to having them and you all at once. Does that make sense?"

"It makes sense," I assured her. At least, I think it does. If she meant what I think she means, then yes, it makes sense.

I stayed with her until she cried herself out and fell asleep, and carefully tucked her into the bed. "Keep an eye on her," I told the dog. "I'll be back." I had to go and let the others know what was happening, and judging from the looks on some of their faces, I don't think the majority of them really understood - until now - just how much and how continually she suffers.

And it all comes back to Loghain. Arl Howe is his right-hand man, isn't he? Which means that the siege at Castle Cousland had to have been done with Loghain's approval. He may not have been directly involved, but he allowed the slaughter of my Elissa's loved ones. Then her brother recruits died in the Joining, which I think is the only part of her pain that wasn't directly his fault. The Wardens all died because of him, and I can't help thinking that even if Jory and Daveth had survived the Joining, they still would have been killed. Then we were blamed for his treachery. Then the horrors of Redcliffe... and the purging of the mage tower, when she was trapped in the Fade... and both of those things turned out to be the work of Howe and Loghain too. I have never hated anyone so much. He's taken everything from me, and he's taken everything from Elissa, and the only saving grace that any of this has had is that at least we found each other in the process of losing everything else.

The others - they're important to her too, and also to me, but I don't take on their troubles as my own the way she does. Morrigan's issues (whatever they are), Leliana's sufferings, Wynne's health, Zevran's past, Sten's future - she bears the weight of each of these, trying to lessen their burdens. And mine as well.

"What can we do for her? Is there anything that can be done to help her?" Leliana asked.

"Right now I think she wants rest more than anything," I said. "We might need to delay our investigations here for a day or so, to give her time to process."

"After all this time," said Sten, "she suddenly loses her composure. This seems unlike her."

"It's hitting her hard because so much time has passed," Wynne explained. "She's had all of this pain and trouble weighing on her for months, and she's tried to shrug it off because she considers it more important to stop the Blight."

"A sensible attitude," Morrigan grumbled. "I expect that of her - not this. She is more sentimental than I realized, and she suffers for it. Most impractical."

"Practical or not, this is where we are. The best thing any of us can do for now is to get some supper and a good night's sleep," said Wynne. "We'll see how Elissa feels in the morning, and take it from there. Alistair, I think you should stay with her tonight, in case her dreams are difficult."

"My thoughts exactly."

I changed clothes and collected this journal, then returned here to Elissa's room to guard her while she sleeps. Occasionally her face twitches, but otherwise she's been quiet. I hope she's finding some kind of peace; I would give it to her if I could. I would give anything, if it meant she would never have to hurt like this again.