The weeks following Eric's funeral were an absolute nightmare. She had to fire one of her attendings for assaulting a patient, lost most of her work on a study she was leading at the University due to some back up malfunction, Mark had a nasty case of otitis and Abby was stuck in a cloud of sadness and silence that she didn't how to deal with. She expected tears and anger, but Abby never shed a tear.

Whenever Susan tried to show some comfort, Abby seemed to recoil from her touch. She'd be close to her usual self when the boys were around, but every time they were alone she could feel the distance between them.

Her medical knowledge reminded her that Abby's behavior was a classic case of denial in a grieving process but Susan still felt useless. She decided that time and space was the best she could give to her partner but it pained her to find her wandering around the house in the middle of the night.

She'd spend their now rare TV watching sessions looking at Abby instead, her heart breaking at the lack of emotion in her lover's eyes.

More than once, Abby caught her staring "What?".

"Nothing. I just love looking at you", she'd say to try to lighten up the mood but Abby's face barely responded to her words.

Most days, Abby would get home so tired and only seemed to perk up a little next to Mark and Joe. She now made an habit of reading to them before bed and all three would crash before she reached mid story.

Most nights, Susan would lie alone in their bed.

She was embarrassed for being so needy but she missed her girl.

After the bottle incident on the roof, Abby decided that she could indulge herself once in a while.

It was not a big deal if she'd keep it under control. Plus, she actually had a job and a family, so there was no way she'd become a pro drunk or something.

The first times she'd only have a cocktail after work, so she often resorted to that Lava Lounge place where they served supersized cocktails.

She reminisced about the first time she went to that place after Mark Greene died and the ER staff gathered there.

That night, Susan had cried in her shoulder, mourning their friend. Abby was angry at herself for not crying for her own brother, but she knew if she started she'd never stop.

She was a mother now, so she'd have to keep her shit together. She didn't want to burden Susan, either.

When she left the bar, she stopped at a 24/7 store to buy mouthwash and bottled water. She needed to sober up a little so instead of taking the El back home, she started walking.

After dinner, the exhaustion from work added to the alcohol stupor, so once more she volunteered to read to the boys before bed. It would give her an opportunity to crash with them without raising suspicion.

Susan nodded, smiling at her three loves. She hugged the boys close and kissed them goodnight. Then she hooked a finger around Abby's belt loops and their lips met tenderly "You're not leaving me alone in bed again, are you?".

Susan smiled at her suggestively and Abby felt a tinge of guilt. It had been more than three months since the funeral and she couldn't remember the last time they had been intimate. Susan never said anything but Abby knew she wasn't keeping her happy in the bedroom department.

Making love to Susan was tempting but she felt like her limbs weighted a ton. "I'm sorry, I've been so tired...", she mumbled against her lips. "Wake me up if I don't?", she suggested.

Susan held her "I just miss you close to me..." and Abby let her familiar warmth lull her a little. She could feel their breasts brushing against each other and was satisfied that it still woke her senses up.

"Storytime!", the boys yelled from their room and both women parted chuckling.

She tried to resist her alcohol induced exhaustion but halfway through "How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?", Abby's eyelids were so heavy that she had to close them.

When she crawled out of the boys' room it was past 3 am. Her head pounded from the vodka she'd had, so she went to the pharmacy cabinet and took some ibuprofen. Her mouth tasted bad so she brushed her teeth again and went to their bedroom.

Susan had left her bedside lamp on. Abby admired her from afar, guilty to have let her down once again. She even wore that sexy black nightgown Abby loved. She closed the door quietly and kneeled on the bed. Susan was beautiful like this and Abby mused about how pathetic she was to resort to the bottle after so many years sober.

She slid her hand up Susan's calf, feeling her smooth legs. It had been a long time and the brief contact made her hot. Susan had lost some weight after the pregnancies and she found her body even more arousing now. Hectic work lives and parenthood did put a brake on their libido but it was always replenishing when they had some well-deserved sexy time.

Susan sighed in her sleep and her eyes fluttered open slowly "Abby?"

Abby came closer and kissed her neck in the spot she knew that would make Susan cave. "I promised I'd be back...", she whispered against her skin, her hands clutching at Susan's ass. Her heartbeat thumped in sync with her head ache and she was very, very tired.

"It's 3 in the morning... you're crazy...". Despite her words, Abby could feel her lover's hands undressing her, teasing her nipples and fought with her own body to stay awake.

Susan flipped them over and pressed herself against Abby's body, her mouth replacing her fingers at her breasts. Abby purred and moaned as low as she could. She had missed this and wished she was more alert.

Susan trailed kisses from her breasts to her neck and teased her "Am I boring you?".

Abby opened her eyes and shook her head "You were doing just fine...", propped herself up on her elbows to properly kiss her partner which was something they never seemed to have time for nowadays.

The blonde slipped a hand inside her panties and smiled smugly at the wetness her fingers found. The last weeks had been difficult for Abby, so she wanted to pleasure her the best she could. Abby shivered under her touch but was unusually passive. Susan figured it was just fatigue and didn't think much of it.

She was in charge of a busy department in an urban hospital but nothing made her feel so empowered like this. One of her early teachers once told her she had perfect hand coordination for a career in surgery but she'd bet Abby could think of a thing or two she did with her fingers that surpassed her medical skills.

She was tired herself so she quickened her moves, knowing Abby wouldn't last much longer. With three of her fingers inside a squirming Abby, she pressed the heel of her left hand against her clitoris and watched her orgasm under her touch.

"Mmm… That was...", Abby sighed and blacked out almost right away.

Susan was a little proud of herself but couldn't help but feel disappointed that Abby would leave her all worked up like that.

She switched off her bedside lamp and snuggled into Abby's slumbering form.

What could have gone so wrong to make him think suicide was the only option? Abby was furious at him for taking the coward's way out.

She couldn't remember the last time he'd had a manic episode. He took his lithium and his AED's - Maggie made sure he didn't screw up with his meds and he had been fine, even pranked the kids with his Donald Duck impersonation in their last phone call.

The boys loved Uncle Eric. Last time he was in town, he took them paddle boarding in Lake Michigan and to this day they still talked about their big water adventure. He always had guy stuff planned for them when he visited and they relished on it.

She took the phone and dialed Maggie's number who picked up right away "Morning sweetie, I was just thinking about you".

Abby smiled and asked her how she was. In the days following Eric's death, Abby was so depressed that she'd purposefully avoid Maggie's calls.

She used to think that Maggie robbed her the close relationship she had with Eric but now that she herself was a mother, she couldn't imagine what the other woman was going through. She'd come to terms with the fact that their disease did bring them closer and now that she had her own family she could sympathize more.

Maggie had been truly supportive of her relationship with Susan and, to her surprise, her mother's acceptance was relevant to her own emotional well-being.

"So, I need a favor", she said after Maggie was done gushing over the boys pictures Susan had emailed her the week before.

"I need you to get me Eric's medical records", Abby asked carefully, knowing it was still painful territory for both of them.

"Don't you doctors have access to that kind of thing?", Maggie replied uncomfortably.

"I could have access but it'll raise too many questions I don't feel like answering", she rejoined honestly.

"Why do you want his records, Abby? He's gone… There's nothing you can do…", she sighed and Abby could hear her crying in the other end of the line.

Abby closed her eyes as she felt her resolve faltering. "I need to understand what the hell was going on to make him put a bullet through his head without saying goodbye or anything!".

Maggie acquiesced and they resumed their conversation for a few more minutes before hanging up.

She now had a permanent weight in her chest that she could only relieve one way. She had the house to herself as she wasn't on until later, so she retrieved two miniature liquor bottles she hid inside their Christmas decorations box in the storage. The sneakiness disgusted her but she couldn't risk Susan finding out.

Abby didn't fear her judgement. Susan knew about her alcoholism and never once showed sympathy or discomfort. She accepted Abby for what she was, didn't try to fix her or mold her into something she wasn't. But she knew the lying would hurt her deeply, especially when she had been so worried, pleading with Abby to open up to her.

Their relationship was now settled and the trust issues she'd had in past relationships didn't apply to them. They could talk to each other and most times words weren't needed at all.

But for the life of her, Abby just couldn't open her heart about her brother.

Abby contemplated another drink but knew the exact intake her system could handle before a shift. She wasn't stupid to show up at County wasted, she wouldn't risk losing her license.

Settling the bottles back under tinsel, reindeers and Santa hats, Abby felt in control.

She was being rational and knew where her boundaries were. She had her sons, a job she enjoyed and someone decent by her side.

Abby promised herself she wouldn't screw up.