Sixteen

"Oh my god; I'm starving," Castle proclaimed as he and his partner made their way through midtown. As he had won their latest round of rock-paper-scissors, he was behind the wheel on their return trip to the twelfth. They were on their way back from a crime scene that had been reported as a suspected homicide. When they arrived and found a note atop a pile of several "Final Notice: Payment Due" bills, they had turned the case over to another team as it did not require their investigation. Unfortunately, that was not even the first suicide they had come across in the prior week. Sad as it was, those always increased around holiday time.

Kate eyed her partner suspiciously. "Didn't you just eat on the way there?"

"Yeah but that was only a snack," he said, rubbing his growling belly.

"A snack...after lunch."

He gazed at her sideways. "What are you trying to say, Beckett?"

She smirked at him. "That you're not a bear; you don't have to increase your waistline for winter hibernation."

"Ouch," he laughed at her. "I'll have you know that I only put on a few pounds, but those are totally allowed; it's my holiday weight."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Sure."

A block later, Castle pulled their cruiser over into an empty space in front of a chain burger store. "Want anything? Fries? Nuggets? A double with cheese?"

"I'm good, Castle," she assured him. She watched as he stepped up onto the sidewalk and entered the restaurant. With a long exhale, she rested her head back against the seat and drummed her fingertips against the door handle. What was it about this time of year?

Just a few days before Christmas, the New York sidewalks were crowded with people bundled up in coats and scarves. Many of them laughed and smiled as they bumped their way along, holding on tightly to packages of wrapped goods. Everyone was bright and cheerful; everyone except her.

Rationally, Kate knew this was because ever since her mother's death Christmas had been a difficult time for her. Such a momentous holiday would have been hard without a parent no matter the situation, but since her mother had died not twenty days after Christmas, when the decorations in her parent's home were still on full display, December twenty-fifth was even more overshadowed by the event.

It took Kate years to be able to look at a Christmas tree or decoration without feeling sad. As it was, she couldn't bring herself to put one up in her apartment. She had a few winter decorations that she put out: snowflakes, candles, and even a poinsettia, but she hadn't gone full-scale Christmas in over a decade. The only Christmas-related thing she could do was listen to the music; somehow, that had not been tarnished.

Unfortunately for her, her partner was practically St. Nick himself. Castle loved Christmas; positively adored it. It was his favorite time of year and he made that abundantly clear by decorating his desk and apartment as well. Much to her chagrin, his constant Christmas cheer was slowly winning her over. With only two days to go, it was too late to get a tree that year, but perhaps she would get one the next.

Kate's holiday thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a series of screams and movement she noticed out of the corner of her eye. Whipping her head towards the sidewalk, she saw an atypical amount of commotion inside the golden arches chain restaurant Castle had entered not two minutes earlier. Her body now on full alert, Kate stared into the windows of the building, trying to see what was going on. Then, she saw it.

A man with a thick beard and long, unruly hair, stood in the middle of the restaurant, right arm raised above him, gun in hand. All around him, restaurant patrons crouched down and cowered away. Some of them screamed and cried. The man with the gun was clearly yelling, though Kate could not understand what he was saying.

Propelled into action by adrenaline, Kate reached for the radio in the car and called into dispatch. She reported a robbery in progress with potential hostages at her location and requested backup. Then, she pulled out her phone and pressed the speed dial for her partner.

Holding the device to her ear, Kate craned her neck to see into the building. As she leaned forward in her seat, she was able to see him for the first time as her view had previously been obstructed by a divider between window panes. Unfortunately, catching sight of her partner did not ease her tension.

Castle, it appeared, was front and center for the event. While most of the restaurant occupants crouched down or remained seated, Castle stood towards the front of the restaurant by the register. He had his hands outstretched before him in a defensive stance and he was clearly trying to reason with the gun-wielding man.

Kate saw the exact moment his phone began ringing, because the detective looked down towards the pocket of his coat. "C'mon Castle," she coached, "answer."

The gunman pointed his weapon towards Castle and shook it. She watched as Castle shook his head and pointed towards his jacket. Damn. She was too far away to read his lips and thus had no idea what he was saying. Her heart rate increased as she tightened her grip on her phone.

Finally, she saw him reaching very slowly into his pocket. He held out his phone to the gunman and pressed a button. A second later, she heard his voice; he was talking to her with his phone on speaker mode. "Hey Beckett. Just need another few minutes; sorry its taking longer than I thought."

"You okay, Castle?" she responded.

"Me? I'm cool as a cucumber. See you soon." With that, she watched Castle hang up the phone and immediately sprang into action.

When Castle had first posed the idea to her that they needed to come up with a code word or phrase, she naturally thought he was insane. Granted, at that point, early in their partnership, she found many of the things he did insane, so this was just one more thing to add to the list. (In truth, over a year later, she wasn't sure she understood it much better, but that was due in large part to the fact that many of the things he did were far off the normal scale.) "Cool as cucumber" was Castle's phrase to indicate danger and, for whatever reason, she remembered that he assured her he would only use it if something was very wrong.

Though she had called in for backup, Kate wanted to be ready just in case. She casually got out of the car, hoping not to draw the attention of the gunman inside the restaurant, and walked to the trunk. From it, she pulled her bullet proof vest and secured it on her body. Then, she took it upon herself to secure the sidewalk in front of the restaurant. Though she hated taking her eyes off Castle, she knew she had to make sure no civilians were walking in front of the glass front of the restaurant just in case the gunman discharged his weapon.

Five minutes later, the cavalry arrived. While Kate appreciated the backup, from the looks of things all the sirens and collection of police cars had spooked the gunman as he was now turning in circles and pointing his gun wildly. Kate calmly helped the uniformed officers rope off the street before finding the lead team member of the hostage negotiation squad.

"Sir, I'm Detective Kate Beckett, twelfth precinct homicide. My partner, Detective Richard Castle, is inside the restaurant," she explained to the man who had identified himself as Captain Peterson.

"We've got a man inside?" Peterson asked.

Kate nodded. "Yes sir. He's wearing the brown jacket standing by the register in the front of the restaurant."

Peterson scanned the scene inside the building and nodded when he spotted the detective. "Have you spoken to him since this began?"

"Yes, sir, but he wasn't able to give me any useful information. It looked like the suspect made him answer the call on speaker."

"Well, thank you, Detective; I can take it from here."

Before he could walk away, Kate stopped him. "Ah, sir, isn't there anything I can do?"

The man chuckled in an almost condescending way at her. "As a trained homicide? 'Fraid not. Why don't you go help these boys with crowd control?"

"Sir," Kate stopped him again, a bit more forcefully this time. "My partner is in there."

"I understand that and it's my job to get everyone out of there safely," Peterson said simply. Then, he walked away.

For a moment, Kate stood frozen in the middle of the street. If there was one thing she hated more than being treated a silly woman instead of a well-praised cop it was feeling useless. In a crisis, she needed to do something; keep busy. Without staying busy, her mind would wander. She would think of worst case scenarios. Like Castle being shot. Having to face Alexis with the news. And having to go home alone after it was all over.

After taking a moment to collect herself, Kate walked to the end of the block to make sure all the barricades had been set up appropriately. When she confirmed they had, she walked back to the center of the street and stared into the restaurant. For the most part, the scene remained unchanged: all the civilians were crouched down or seated while Castle and the man holding the gun stood in the center of it all.

Kate watched as Castle dipped his hand into his pocket once more and retrieved his cell phone. She looked to her left at the command center and spotted Captain Peterson on the phone. From this she deduced Peterson was attempting to call the suspect to reason with him and was using Castle's phone to do this as it was the most quickly accessible.

Turning her eyes back to the restaurant, she watched Castle answer the cell on speaker as he had before. This time, after she watched his lips move, he held the phone out to face the gunman, obviously trying to get him to speak to the hostage negotiator. The gunman brought both hands to his head and shook it violently. Though she was not adept at lip reading, Kate believed he was saying the word no over and over again. After just a few seconds of this, all hell broke loose.

While cradling his head with his hands, the suspect evidently squeezed his fingers tight enough for the gun to fire. All occupants of the restaurant screamed and the gunman himself appeared shocked. Due to her training, Kate hit the ground, but she raised her head enough to see inside the restaurant. Though the scene was chaotic, Castle appeared to be trying to calm the man, though that clearly wasn't working.

Kate watched as the suspect dropped the gun, shoved into Castle and then disappeared from sight. She was the first one on her feet as the danger had now passed; it was time to move in. Then, a thought hit her. The man was going out the back of the restaurant into the alley; he was going to escape. With this notion in mind, Kate took off running towards the nearest side street.

Richard Castle picked up the discarded weapon from the cracked tile floor of the restaurant and sighed. This certainly was not how he saw his afternoon going. On the bright side, he wasn't hungry anymore.

"It's okay, everyone," he announced loudly. "It's fine. It's-"

Before he could get out another word half a dozen officers breached the door of the building, weapons drawn as they shouted, "Nobody move!"

Castle held one hand up and the gun out to his side by the edge of the handle, muzzle pointing at the ground. "I'm a cop," he announced. "Suspect went out the back through the kitchen."

A fresh-faced man with clear terror in his eyes approached Castle. "Put your weapon down! Put it down now!"

Fighting the urge to roll his eyes Castle dropped the gun onto the counter beside the cash register. "I'm a cop," he repeated. "My badge is on my belt. I'm going to open my jacket and show it to you." In a slow, over dramatic manner, Castle pulled back the right side of his jacket to reveal the gold shield on his belt loop.

The rookie cop lowered his weapon. "Sorry, sir."

"It's alright," Castle told him. "Let's just get these people out of here."

Out on the street, Castle made his way to the emergency response team van. Before he could begin to look for his partner, he was intercepted by a stout balding man. "You Castle?"

"I am," he responded.

"Peterson; we spoke briefly on the phone."

"Oh yeah; that went well," Castle responded sarcastically. "Do you know where my partner is? Beckett?"

"The lady cop?" Peterson asked; Castle bobbed his head. "She's around here somewhere; told her to stay out of the way."

"Ooh I bet she loved that," Castle responded under his breath. He walked back to their squad car, thinking she might be inside, but she wasn't. He stood by the driver's door for a moment, scanning the crowded street for her, when he saw a cluster of officers approaching from his left side.

There, at the center of the group, was the armed man from inside the restaurant. Thankfully, his hands were cuffed behind his back. This, however, was not at all what Castle's eyes focused on. Instead, his eyes fell to his partner. More specifically, her bleeding lip, nose and forehead. He rushed over to her.

"Jesus, Beckett—what happened?"

"He tried to get away," she replied simply. She walked past him, but Castle refused to accept this as the only explanation for her condition. He chased after her, but she would not face him again until she had passed off their suspect to the emergency response team members. "I'm fine, Castle; really. He almost got the drop on me, but it's all good. You don't," she tapped the underside of her nose gingerly. "You don't have a tissue, do you?"

Castle began frantically searching each of his pockets until he procured a white paper object. "Napkin?" he offered.

She took it. "Close enough." She wiped the underside of her nose. Then, when she grazed her lip, she winced.

Castle's expression reflected hers. "Kate, you should have these EMT guys check you out."

"What? No; I'm fine. What about you? What the hell happened in there?"

Castle stuffed his hands back in his pockets as he looked towards the restaurant. "Dunno, really. The guy wasn't in line, but he was just standing in the middle of the restaurant when I walked in. He looked real paranoid, but I didn't want to confront him or anything. Then, I guess, maybe he saw my badge when I reached into my pocket for my wallet and he freaked out. He pulled the gun from behind his back and started waiving it around. People panicked—I'm sure you can figure out the rest."

"He freaked out even more when the hostage negotiator tried to call him?" Kate guessed.

Her partner bobbed his head. "Yep. I don't think he meant to fire the gun. I-"

"Hey! Hey you! Homicide cops!"

Castle and Kate's conversation was interrupted by Peterson unceremoniously addressing them. "Over here! We need your statements!"

"Oh, now he needs us," Kate said pointedly; Castle chuckled.

After spending another hour on the street in front of the fast food restaurant, Castle and Kate were finally cleared to leave the scene. Kate informed her partner that she was going home, but he refused to let her. Her face was still covered in dried blood and someone needed to clean her up. Evidently, that someone needed to be him.

Mostly because she was too tired to argue, Kate allowed Castle to drive them to his apartment. As she had not yet seen her reflection in anything other than the passenger side window of the car, Kate did not fully understand the gruesome appearance of her face until they walked into his kitchen and, upon sight of her, Alexis's face went white.

"Oh my god, Kate!" she proclaimed. "What happened to you?"

"Alexis," her father said. His tone was warning and it told her to speak no more, but the girl couldn't help herself.

"Is she alright?" she asked her father.

"I'm fine, Alexis; thank you," Kate told her gently.

"Sweetie? Why don't you fill the kettle and put it on the stove so Kate can have some tea. I'm going to help her get cleaned up." The red-head nodded to her father, and had already retrieved the kettle by the time Castle put his arm around Kate to lead her down the hall to the bathroom.

"I can clean myself up, Castle," she said with an air of stubbornness.

"I know," he replied simply. He pushed open the bathroom door and let her step inside first.

Kate stopped no more than a foot inside the bathroom and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Holy shit; she looked awful.

From the very edge of her hairline above her right eye a gash could be scene. From it, a river of dried, crusted blood trailed down her forehead. It stopped at her eyebrow and then trickled down toward her temple. Her nose was already starting to bruise on the one side. Leaning a bit closer to the mirror, she prodded it with her fingertip before sucking her breath in with a wince. It definitely hurt, though not enough to actually be broken.

Though she'd cleaned most the blood off her nostrils and the space between her nose and lip, the shadow of a red substance could be seen there. Her upper lip was also cut and swelling. Simply put: she looked like a mess.

"Go ahead and sit down on the toilet lid," Castle told her gently.

As she had forgotten he was there, his voice startled her and she jumped. When she did so, her hands skimmed across the countertop and the fingers of her left hand bumped into something that clattered against the top of the counter. Looking down, Kate saw that it was a pink Hello Kitty toothbrush holder. Fortunately, it hadn't broken when it fell. "Oh," Kate said, quickly righting the cup.

It was then she noticed all the other things sitting around the bathroom. Hair brushes and hair clips. A comb with the name "Alexis" imprinted on the top in pink sparkles. A few tiny bottles of glittering nail polish. These items lit up as though a spotlight suddenly shone on each of them.

Kate had used the only bathroom in the Castle apartment before. Many times, in fact, particularly when she spent the night, but for some reason these tiny things were striking her now. Little girl things. Alexis's things.

Castle was a family man; a man whose sole mission was to care for and provide for his daughter. And what was she? Who was she? Invading their lives. Eating dinner with them. Spending the night in his bed in the room just beside his daughter's.

Suddenly, it all felt very wrong to her. Castle shouldn't feel the need to take care of her; she could take care of herself. He had someone else more important to care for.

"I…" She began softly. "I…I really shouldn't be here."

She turned around on the spot to face the man who had snuck in the tight space behind her. His brow wrinkled. "What? Why?" Shaking off her baseless concerns he gestured to the toilet. "Just have a seat and-"

"No, I. I shouldn't be here…be involved."

"Involved?" his brow wrinkled even further. "Involved in what?"

Kate looked at him. She just looked at him; she didn't say a word, but somehow he understood.

Oh. Oh.

This conversation? The "We're sleeping together; should we really be doing that?" conversation. This was definitely not the time to have that conversation. He wasn't ready for it—particularly not after the events of that evening—and deep down he didn't think she was ready either.

She had been acting differently the prior few weeks—that was for sure. At first, he brushed it off as the oddness of Meredith's brief reappearance in his life, but the longer it went on he didn't think that was the reason. What the true reason was, he didn't know, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know either. Quite frankly, he was terrified to bring it up.

Kate was skittish about defining herself as being in a relationship—that much was plain. What they had, well, to him, it was a hell of a lot more than a casual relationship, but he couldn't tell her that. He may not have been the wisest when it came to women, but he knew enough to know that would probably scare her off and he didn't want that.

They'd made so much progress together. Her walls were down more often than they were up. At least, up until the previous few weeks. At that exact moment, however, he looked into her eyes and saw they were almost gone entirely.

Castle lifted his hands and slid them against her neck, cradling her jaw. Choosing his words carefully, he told her, "Kate, you are involved. We're involved; we're partners."

"I know," she said quietly. "It's just…I'm not used to being around a family."

His heart broke for her and how alone she must have felt particularly at that time of year—around the holidays. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could there was a knock at the bathroom door. "I have tea," a tiny voice said.

Castle smiled and pulled his hands away from Kate. "Thanks sweetie," he told his daughter. He took the tea mug from her and passed it over to his partner. Then, he nodded to the toilet. "Sit, please."

Warm mug cradled in her grasp, Kate sat down on the toilet lid. She sipped the tea as Castle busied himself collecting first aid supplies. Only when he handed her a warm, wet washcloth to wipe off her nose did she set the mug down. "So you wanna tell me what really happened?" he asked her gently, dropping one knee to the ground so he was at a better angle to examine her face.

"Nothing all that interesting," she explained. "I was trying to find him in the alley and he knocked into me. Unfortunately he knocked me into the railing of a fire escape." Castle grimaced, but she continued. "And then when I tried to cuff him he punched me."

"I feel like it should concern me how casually you speak about physical violence," Castle said to her. She laughed and her lip spit open, causing her to wince. "Careful, Kate," he warned her.

As he cleaned and subsequently dabbed antiseptic on the cut near her hairline, he pointed out that the gash was rather large and probably should have had stitches. She told him it would be fine and she didn't care if there was a scar; her hair would cover it.

Once her face was cleaned of blood and her wounds addressed, Castle offered her something to eat, but she refused, saying she just wanted to go home and go to bed. Castle rebutted this, telling her there was no way he was letting her leave. They had a staring contest for several moments before she relented and agreed to spend the night.

As she didn't much feel like being social, Kate went directly to Castle's bedroom while he made himself a sandwich and assured Alexis once again that Kate would be fine and there was no reason to worry about her. When Castle entered his bedroom twenty minutes later, he found Kate sitting cross-legged at the end of the bed. She wore one of his t-shirts and had one of the bed blankets tucked around her lap. Though she appeared to be staring blankly at the opposite wall, she looked at him when he walked in.

"Were you scared?" she asked gently.

"When? In the restaurant?" he asked; she nodded. "Scared? Please." He pushed his hand away in a flippant manner.

"Castle." She spoke in a tone as serious as he'd ever heard from her.

Dropping his jokester attitude, he sat down beside her on the bed. "Sure, I was scared, but not for me; for Alexis. If anything would ever happen to me…"

"Your mother would take her, wouldn't she?"

He nodded. "Yes, that is how my will is written since I have sole custody of Alexis, but Meredith…she'd make things complicated."

Kate nodded. After having met the woman and had a brief glimpse of how she acted with the Castle family, she understood this now more than ever. After a minute of silence she confessed to him, "I was scared."

He tilted his head, curious. "You were? Why?"

She gazed up at him with emotion filled eyes. "Because I wasn't in there with you."

Castle felt his gut clench when their eyes met. There was only one way to describe the look in her eyes, but he wasn't sure he wanted to utter the word for fear it would taint their moment with uncertainty and trepidation. Instead, he skimmed his hand beneath her jaw and stroked her cheek with his thumb. In a voice barely above a whisper he said, "You're here with me now."

That night, when Castle lowered his lips to hers, Kate didn't even think about pulling back or pushing him away. She sunk against him, into his embrace and let him roll her back against her mattress and cover her body with his. She wanted him then more than ever.

Almost three weeks had passed since they last slept together, which was the longest amount of time they went without sex since they began their affair six months earlier. Kate was fully responsible for their break as she'd been wrestling with the idea of ending their physical relationship. Castle had been patient if not a bit persistent, though he had never asked her what was going on.

In truth, Kate wasn't sure she could have explained it to him even if he had asked. That explanation would have required her to reveal things about herself she wasn't sure she was ready to share with him—with anyone.

Castle was her partner and her friend. He made her laugh and smile. He made her into a better cop; a better person. And, as she helplessly watched him inside that restaurant earlier that day, all she could wonder was if the last conversation she would ever have with him would involve her teasing him for gaining weight. She didn't want that. She didn't want a last conversation. She wanted—no, needed—him to stay with her; be her partner.

She knew that ultimately she would need to address those feelings, but for that night the only thing she wanted to focus on was his lips against hers. His fingertips roaming every inch of her body. His strong arms around her. The perfect synchronization of their hips. And, how for the very first time, it felt as though they weren't just having sex, but making love.

A/N: Sigh. I love this chapter.

Also, thanks to lordofkavaka for the new cover art!