It was still dawn when Abby's alarm started blaring. Her hand snoozed it blindly, Susan had worked late and she didn't want to wake her. Abby stretched her limbs under the sheets, trying to convince her body to get up. Susan rolled and threw an arm around Abby's middle "D'you sleep better?", she mumbled. Abby closed her hand around Susan's and lied "Yeah...".
She sat in bed for a minute with her eyes closed, her head against the headboard. She was having dreams that kept her awake for hours afterwards. Some involved Eric bleeding out, screaming out her name. Others involved images of herself as a child, mixed up with places she didn't recognize but felt were familiar. Susan had begged her to take something to help her sleep but Abby denied her request. She knew the effect it would have with the alcohol and even if a night of peaceful sleep tempted her, she still refused.
She had slept a total of three hours and shrugged to herself that it was better than none.
In the kitchen, Abby fixed herself a cup of coffee and smiled when she noticed Susan's handwriting in a note she had left next to the coffee pot "Mark's play starts at 3. Don't be late. I love you xx".
When she stepped into County's doors, Abby sighed and fought the urge to run back home. She could see at least thirty patients waiting in chairs and it wasn't even 8 am. Neela and Dubenko rushed past her to the trauma rooms "Morning Abby!".
She dragged herself to the lounge where she changed into her lab coat and was immediately retrieved by residents and med students. She mused about how she missed being a resident herself, when all the tough decisions were made by the attendings.
She pursed her lips, trying to focus on the labs in front of her. Forty something guy in kidney failure. She spoke up "Hydrate him and turf him to Nephrology, it's not an ER case". The two junior doctors nodded but were obviously disappointed she wouldn't let them try something else. She recognized herself in their discouragement but she was the attending now and had a board to clear.
Abby rubbed her forehead hoping to rub away her headache. After casting a shrieking 2 year-old and bearing with his over-protective mother, she went to her locker and took a few generous sips of vodka she had stashed there. She knew the buzz would help her relax so she told Chuny she'd lie down "for ten minutes" in the on-call room.
She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the gurney.
When Chuny came back informing her that her ten minutes had turned into an hour, she jumped in panic "What time is it?!".
The nurse checked her watch "2:35" and Abby cursed herself "Shit, shit. Why didn't you wake me?!".
Chuny cocked an eyebrow at her "I had patients to check?".
Abby bolted past her and rushed to the admit area "Jerry, where's Luka?".
The desk clerk pointed to the curtain area and she reached him in seconds. Abby cleared her throat "Dr. Kovac, do you have a minute?". Luka excused himself and approached her "Yeah?".
"I should be at my kid's school play, can you cover for me? I'll be back in two hours…", she looked up at him with pleading eyes.
He patted her arm and gave her a lop-sided smile "Get the hell out of here".
Susan checked her phone and texted Abby again "Where are you?!". Joe was getting impatient on her lap and the play was about to start.
"Mommy's late…", Joe stated like he was reading her mind.
Susan smiled at her boy and leaned closer "Yeah, she won't have ice cream for dessert". The little boy chuckled and Susan raised her hand when she noticed a rattled Abby peeking in to check if it was the right room.
She took her purse from the seat she had saved for her and Abby held her hands in defense "I know I'm late… I had a patient crashing just as I was leaving…".
Susan glared at her "You could've texted me back, it takes two seconds".
Joe threw his arms around Abby's neck and proceeded to transfer himself from one mommy to another. Abby held him close "How's my little monkey?".
He chuckled "I'm not a monkey!". She tickled his belly and he shrieked with laughter. Abby told him that he'd have to be quiet now and he nodded and whispered in her ear "Mom is mad at you…".
Susan side eyed them but Abby could see the affection in her green eyes. She took Susan's left hand and planted a kiss right above her ring, mouthed I'm sorry when Susan looked at her.
Mark played Little John in his first grade play based on Robin Hood. He had been excitedly jumping around the house in his tights and boots for the past days and made both his mothers promise they'd be there.
Both women watched their eldest in awe. He was a smart kid but somewhat on the shy side, so they were surprised when he announced proudly he'd have one of the main parts in the play.
Abby was mesmerized how the little bundle they had welcomed not so long ago was now this lively boy on the stage. She reminisced about how Susan had pressed her about them having a child together. Abby resisted for a while but ended up agreeing. As soon as Susan started showing, she knew she already loved that life and when they found out it was a boy, Abby was delighted. She had raised her brother and felt comfortable with the idea of having a son. Susan had been rooting for a girl and cried when her OB/GYN told them it was a boy "I so wanted to make the mommy/baby matching outfit thing...", she sighed.
When they got home after her ultrasound, Susan told her she wanted to name their son after Mark Greene and Abby just smiled.
Their son could do a lot worse. He had been a freaking super hero, after all.
"New baby?", the patient asked, noticing the bags under her eyes.
"Yes, a little boy...", Abby nodded while scribbling down her chart notes.
The middle aged woman looked at her more closely "Shouldn't you be on leave or something?".
Abby hated nosy patients but immediately took a liking to this pesky woman. When she released her, the woman handed her a card with her number "I've worked with children all my life. Give me a call if you're interested".
Corazon was a Puerto Rican who had moved to Chicago in the seventies to join her husband. She was a fervent catholic and felt like crossing herself every time the women kissed each other in front of the boys. But she could see they were a loving family and Corazon had grown fond of them.
The two little boys adored her and she felt very connected to them. They always welcomed her with hugs and kisses and Corazon liked to pretend for a second that she was hugging her own grandchildren who lived in Miami and that she only saw once or twice a year.
Dr. Susan was generally more friendly but was always in a hurry. She was always in and out of meetings and Corazon knew she was guilty for working so much.
Dr. Abby was the quiet one, even more so since her brother passed away a few months ago. Corazon could see the pain in her eyes and took a mental note to pray for her that night.
She could see them by the corner of her eye, Dr. Susan talking softly to her partner, running a hand through Dr. Abby's hair.
They were both pretty and doctors. Corazon just couldn't understand how they didn't get married to men instead of each other but decided it was none of her business and returned to her chores.
Abby's obvious depression worried her. She took a seat next to her and her eyes roamed around the medical files in front of her. Eric's files. She handed Abby a cup of coffee that she accepted silently, her eyes never leaving the report she was reading.
"Anything?", Susan questioned to break the silence.
"Not yet", Abby replied quietly.
After a few more minutes of silence, Susan asked matter-of-factly "You know Iris Flint, right?".
Abby's eyes left the paper and looked at her. She knew she worked with Susan at Northwestern. Psych.
"She specializes in grief counselling. I can get us an appointment", Susan said carefully.
Abby remained quiet but with a scoffing expression in her face.
Susan placed a hand on her arm "Abby... you're depressed. I'm worried".
"You a shrink now?", she quipped coldly.
Susan winced at the words but didn't let go "I just wished you talked to me...".
Abby sighed and threw the file on the table "What do you want me to say? That I'm sad?! I am sad, Susan! My brother killed himself for no apparent reason! Give me a break!".
Susan watched as Abby grabbed her coat and her purse and went out of the door.
Susan jerked in her seat when her phone started blinking on the table. She frowned at the display. It was the boys' school and she wondered why they were calling her. Abby surely had picked them up two hours ago. She excused herself to take the call outside.
Mark's teacher wondered if there was some change of arrangements she wasn't aware of. Susan checked her watch to be sure, it was way past the time they were supposed to be picked up. It was always one of them or Corazon, depending on their schedule. Today it was Abby's turn and Susan thanked the teacher for calling her.
She called Abby and walked in circles while she waited for her to answer the phone. She tried two times more before calling Corazon and asking her to pick up the boys for her, she couldn't leave in the middle of a board meeting.
Susan wondered if something had happened. She called County and asked Jerry if Abby was still around.
"She left a few hours ago" he answered and now Susan was intrigued.
That evening, Abby was making dinner when Susan got home. The taller woman looked annoyed but her expression softened when their sons threw themselves at her. They were already bathed and in their pajamas.
Abby smiled at the picture before her. She loved Susan's smile and she knew she was the reason she didn't see it more often in recent days.
She had stopped at a bar after her shift and ended up drinking too much. She completely forgot about picking up the kids from school and the guilt now devoured her.
After making sure the kids were again enthralled by the cartoons they were watching, Susan approached her and asked between clenched teeth "Where the hell were you?!".
"I thought it was Corazon's turn... I went to the mall after work and lost track of time...". She didn't dare to face Susan's eyes.
Susan watched Abby fidgeting around in their kitchen and knew she was lying.
"Morris, why's the bounce-back migraine still in curtain 3?", Weaver yelled. Abby looked at her boss and could see she wasn't in a good mood. She assembled her charts and tried to escape discreetly but the redhead called her out "Dr Lockhart, a word, please?".
Abby winced. She knew she was supposed to have handed her the residents evaluations last week.
Kerry gestured her to follow her to the suture room. When she closed the door, Weaver took off her glasses and sighed "I should be closing everyone's evaluations by now".
Abby nodded and replied quickly "I'll hand them to you before the end of my shift".
Weaver nodded but her eyes didn't leave Abby's face "Are you okay? You seem... tired".
"Who isn't tired around here?", Abby tried to laugh it off. She knew Weaver meant she looked like shit. She didn't bother to cover the dark circles under her eyes that morning.
"Henry still keeps me busy, I imagine two boys must be a nightmare", Kerry smiled gently.
Abby chuckled "You should see their room, it looks like a war zone".
Kerry nodded but her eyes were already following the paramedics who rolled in a patient to Trauma 1. She turned back before pushing the door open "You know I'm here if you feel like talking, right?".
Abby nodded and watched her leave. She knew she was shutting people out. She saw how Susan looked at her, expecting her to say something. She just couldn't. What was she supposed to say? Eric was gone and that was it. She preferred not to talk about it and no one seemed to understand that.
When she left the suture room, she was immediately followed by two med students, Abby told them to report to one of the residents. She really needed to finish her evaluations, so she hid in the lounge for the rest of her shift. She told Morris to only call her if it was really necessary and she immersed herself in components of clinical competences.
Two hours later, Abby was pleased with herself. She had finished most of her reports, just needed to brush up her overall assessment of each resident. She eyed up her locker and took advantage of being alone to have a few sips of vodka just to settle herself a little. The alcohol warmed her insides and relieved her of the pain she carried in her heart. She took one last, long sip, threw some mint gum into her mouth and went back to work.
After she left the manila folder in Weaver's office, Abby retrieved her cell phone from her lab coat and called Susan.
"Hey... can you talk?", Abby realized she couldn't remember if she was in class or at the hospital.
"Sure... what's up?", Susan seemed worried and Abby realized she had been a pain in the ass lately.
Abby smiled as an idea crossed her mind "I know I've been a little difficult to deal with, lately...".
"Just a little?", Susan quipped in that husky tone that Abby loved so much.
She could hear some playfulness in her lover's voice and it encouraged her.
"So, I was thinking, what if I pick up the kids from school and we'll come pick you up and have dinner somewhere nice?", Abby tried.
Susan was completely swamped at the hospital but Abby was making an effort and she couldn't remember the last time she suggested they went somewhere, even if it was just dinner.
"Deal", Susan smiled contently.
"Susan?", Abby added almost like an afterthought "I love you so much... I'm sorry I don't say it more often".
Susan stood in her office smiling at the words she'd never grow tired of hearing.
She sighed when she finally buckled the boys in the back seat. They were especially hyper and kept talking over each other. Abby could see them in the rear-view mirror and saw how Joe kept throwing his older brother's toys around; their youngest was a little rascal. She turned back and warned them "Boys, stop it... Joe give back Mark's toy, right now!".
The youngest boy handed back the toy begrudgingly to his brother and when Abby's eyes returned to the road, she saw a dog sitting in the middle of the road. Reflexively, she stamped the brake pedal and swerved, trying to steer the car away from the animal.
The SUV's tires hit the curb and she felt the vehicle rolling over before being surrounded by darkness.