Abby felt like throwing her trolley against the full-lenght mirror of her suite. It looked like an upscale hotel room, minus the mini-bar, with white walls, white furniture, everything very zen-like or feng shui or whatever.
Abby hated it.
Susan was at the window and contemplated Sonoran Desert apprehensively. She turned around and sighed "So, you're settled. My flight's in two hours, I'm gonna go…".
They faced each other in silence. Since boarding the plane, Susan had been mostly silent, except during their session with Abby's new therapist where she replied to all his questions in an almost professional tone.
Abby wanted to wrap her arms around her and keep Susan with her a little longer but she was scared she would push her away like earlier. Abby knew Susan feared airplanes and always held her hand during take-offs. When she reached for her hand that morning, Susan flinched away like her hand was on fire.
It was strange not knowing what to do in each other's presence, so Abby just kept her head bowed to hide her tears "Kiss the boys for me...".
"Sure", Susan nodded and took a step towards the door but stopped before grabbing the handle. She swallowed her pride, turned around and held Abby in a brief but heartfelt embrace. When they parted, Abby pressed her lips to hers but Susan couldn't respond, not because she wanted to punish her, but because she was emotionally drained.
The clerk at check-in called her a cab and she went out to wait for the car. The arizonian sun hit her with such force that she had to gasp for air. She had forgotten how she'd hated living there: the heat, the constant bright blue skies, the sweaty patients, her loneliness.
At least she got to see Little Suzy growing up and the memories brought a smile to her face.
She was miserable during the five years she lived in Phoenix so it only made sense that she'd return there in those trying times.
When Susan arrived from the airport, she expected the house to be silent. Corazon had offered to stay with them as long as Susan needed her and she had taken her offer, humbled by the woman's generosity.
She knew she didn't really approve of their lifestyle but she cared about their family. Susan could see the tenderness in her eyes even when she scolded the boys for not washing their hands before eating, how she always made sure their coats were all buttoned up, how she'd call her in the middle of meetings to tell her off for mixing white linens with tinted shirts in the washer. She was the closest thing to a mother figure she had nowadays.
So Susan expected to see Corazon wandering around the kitchen and not Chloe finishing washing up "Chloe? What you doing here?".
Her sister smiled a sad smile and met her in the middle of the hallway "Hey Susiecakes... come here". Susan always hated the nickname but nestled herself in her sister's arms.
"Where's Suzy?", Susan asked softly and Chloe shrugged her shoulders "Back home moping and hating me for not bringing her along to see her favorite aunt".
Her tone made Susan chuckle "I'm her only aunt" and Chloe smiled "You know what I mean". She threw an arm around her little sister shoulders "I had to come... I'll never forget what you did for me when I was messed up... So…".
Chloe had had her share of screw ups in her lifetime and Susan had picked up her slack all her life. She didn't expect her to come over from New York but that was how Chloe was: crazy, unpredictable, but with her heart in the right place.
Susan just whispered "Thank you".
She looked at her trembling hands knowing it was from the withdrawal but not quite believing she was having these advanced symptoms of alcoholism. She took another sip at her coffee, the strongest beverage she had found in the pristine cafeteria.
"May I?".
Abby looked up and noticed the amused smirk on the curly haired woman's face. She nodded her consent but kept her eyes on the cup.
"Newbie, huh?", she chuckled and Abby nodded absentmindedly again, not really wanting to talk to anyone. The woman offered her hand in a handshake that Abby shook just out of politeness "Jenny from Anaheim. Benzos and opiates", she smiled.
Abby gave her a polite smile "Abby. Chicago. Booze".
Jenny sat with her fingers locked behind her neck "So. This is pretty much like high school, you don't want to be the weird kid that eats alone on lunch breaks".
Abby cocked an eyebrow at the woman "That makes you what? Homecoming queen?".
The woman laughed heartily at her words "Oh, someone with a backbone! We can be BFF's then, I'll introduce you to all the cool kids", she winked.
She'd hated high school and was hating this place already.
Jenny sensed she was imposing so she stood up and lowered her tone "The dry out's the worst. If you survive the first week, you'll be fine. Just yell if you need anything".
Abby decided to go back to her room, she'd had enough human interaction for now. She felt herself sweating and nauseous and knew it as the withdrawal flaring up.
As soon as she reached her room, she ran to the toilet and kneeled in time before bile reached the back of her throat. She kept dry heaving until she couldn't remain on her knees, so she stretched herself in the tiles, the coldness providing relief to her fever.
She managed to get under the shower head and sat while the water poured on her body. The mist from the water was creating shapes and forms in front of her eyes. She knew she was hallucinating, her head was swirling around and she contemplated calling the on-call nurse and ask for some Ativan but decided against it.
Her body was punishing her and she knew she deserved it.
Susan took a week off to deal with everything: the boys' recovery, the insurance company who wanted to total Abby's car, Abby's own leave at County, the paperwork from the hospital.
Chloe peeked in, devouring a bowl of popcorn "Want some?".
Susan shook her head and kept typing away at her notebook "Everything okay in there?", she looked at her sister for a second before returning to her excel sheets.
"We're watching Cars", Chloe said like it explained the silence in the house. Susan chuckled "They've seen it so many times they know the lines by heart".
"They're great kids, Suzie. You've done a good job", Chloe said while chewing with her mouth open. Her sister could be disgusting and acted like a teenager but Susan still smiled at her comment "I can't take all the credit on that...".
"You've talked to Abby?", she asked.
"We texted", Susan nodded, pretending to be more invested in her files.
"Texted? What are you, fifteen years old?!" Chloe gave her an unbelieving look and Susan just glared at her sister.
"We're in this weird place, right now...", Susan confided but couldn't face her sister "I don't know if I can forgive her".
"Do you love her?", Chloe asked before licking caramel off of her thumb.
Susan smiled and answered without thinking "She's my life, Chloe".
"God, you're such a lesbo", Chloe deadpanned and Susan slapped her knee and they both laughed quietly for a moment.
"You did the right thing, Susan. She might not see it now but you might've saved her life", Chloe said before retreating back to the boys' room.
Susan wished her sister's words brought some comfort to her heart.
Outdoor activities and group sessions were greatly encouraged and Abby joined some to blend in, but wasn't really participative. She'd spend most therapy sessions fantasizing about what she would do if she was in Chicago and not in rehab, what Susan was doing, whether the boys were behaving themselves.
She thought a lot about Eric, how he must have hated her when she commited him to that psychiatric facility when his first bipolar symptoms showed up. Abby wished she'd had the chance to talk to him that day he died. Life got busy but they always managed to keep in touch at least every two weeks.
Abby always looked forward for what she liked to call curfew: the period after dinner where patients, or guests - like they were called there - , could go back to their rooms freely without being called back to meetings.
She closed the door of her room and logged on her computer, her fingers tapping the tabletop impatiently waiting for her internet connection to start.
When she saw her boys on the screen, love warmed her chest and she felt like she was about to cry. "Hey guys..." she said while gulping down her tears.
They babbled over each other, both wanting her undivided attention. Joe was showing her his stitches marks from the ex lap and Abby cooed at his courage, the younger boy smiled triumphantly but then asked "When are you coming back, mommy?".
Abby felt a dull ache in her heart and tried to sound positive "Not yet, sweetie. But when I come back I promise we'll do anything you want, ok?", she negotiated and he seemed satisfied with her response.
Mark looked over his shoulder before whispering directly to the webcam "You have to come back, mom is so sad all the time. She cries in her room when we're watching tv...".
Abby fought hard with her own tears but managed to speak up "Take good care of her for me, ok?".
As if on cue, Susan and Chloe appeared behind the boys and Abby became tongue-tied. Susan's sister waved at her "Hey Abby, how you holding up?".
Before Abby could answer, Chloe clapped her hands at the boys "Say goodbye and let your mommies talk, okay?". They blew her kisses and Chloe managed to escort them away from the screen view not before unceremoniously nodding at Susan to take their place.
Susan looked unsure but managed a smile "How are you?".
"They say a week here equals a month on the outside...", she shrugged her shoulders.
"Well, one day at a time, I guess", Susan said and then turned shy. Susan looked pale and bleary-eyed and Abby felt guilty for burdening her like that.
"Are you still having symptoms?" Susan asked. It was easier to stick to the medical talk.
"They made me have some Valium... It's a good drug", Abby smirked. "How are you holding up?", she asked carefully knowing it was almost a taboo subject.
"Chloe's being very helpful, keeps the boys distracted... They're always talking about you, they miss you a lot...", Susan confided and Abby felt pride warming her chest.
"I miss them like crazy... I miss you a lot...", Abby whispered and saw Susan closing her eyes at her words. "I am so sorry for loading you like that...".
Susan could see she was being upfront but wasn't in the mood for indulging her "Look, I know what you want me to say... But I'm not going to lie just to make you feel better. I don't miss the Abby that was around for most of the past year, the one that kept secrets from me, that was drinking behind my back... that endangered my children... To be honest, I hated her, she was not the person I fell in love with".
Susan felt a mix of relief and bashfulness at having said the words out loud. She didn't mean to hurt Abby but she couldn't pretend everything was alright because it wasn't. As much as she was thankful for her sister's help, Susan wanted their routine back.
Abby knew she was right and knew she had a long way not only to recovery but to rebuild the trust between them.
After disconnecting the webcam, Susan went back to her room and crawled into bed with all her clothes on. She let herself cry into her pillow like she now always did when she had a moment alone. Her body needed the release.
She grabbed the pillow and inhaled the scent that was unmistakingly Abby's. No matter what she had said earlier, Susan missed Abby in an almost visceral way but she wouldn't be satisfied with her mere physical presence.
She wanted the partnership, the love and the passion back.