The therapist propped his chin on his hands and faced her. Abby hated these individual sessions more than anything, rolled her eyes in frustration when she realized not even ten minutes had passed.
"You don't seem very invested", he smirked. "I mean, you attend all mandatory sessions, group therapy and all but I don't think you're really using the program to work on your triggers".
She sighed "Look, I'm doing better. I had a rough time drying up but I feel fine, now. I've done the program before, I know what I have to do", she reassured him.
"Tell me about that day you decided to start drinking again", he asked softly.
Abby fidgeted in her chair, she hated being the patient. She checked again the clock above his head and realized she had much more to endure. "I didn't decide anything. I'd had a tough day at work and a patient got me champagne".
He looked amused and she shrugged "Sometimes patients like to give back, I guess... I knew I shouldn't drink but I let myself cross that line...".
"What did you feel?", he scribbled down notes and looked at her when she didn't say anything.
"Nothing, really. But it was good emptiness. I was so full of... sadness and anger. It was good to just let the rush take over", Abby was shameful.
"You were upset because of what happened to your brother", he said rather than asked.
Abby nodded and felt a knot forming in her throat "We were close...".
"What else are you angry at? Your partner?".
Abby looked like a deer caught in the headlights and shrugged her shoulders "Sometimes, yeah. But she did what she had to do to keep our kids safe, I know that...".
"But?".
"But I wish I'd had a say in my own treatment!", she humphed.
He looked at her closely "Do you think you were in a position to make a better decision?".
Abby acquiesced and shook her head "Probably not".
She thought to herself how much she hated when Susan was right. How she'd give her a sly smile that would drive her crazy and would often end with them working on their differences naked. Abby woke up from her inappropriate daydreaming as the words hit her.
"Are you angry at your brother?". The therapist's voice grated on her nerves.
"You bet I'm angry at him! I was there for him my whole life and he does something stupid like that without a word!", Abby felt a headache starting to grow inside her temple.
"Suicidal personalities often think that death is the only way they have to get away from themselves".
Abby nodded but kept her eyes on her feet.
"It's okay to cry, Abby".
Diane Spencer watched her boss discreetly. She was normally joyous but now had a permanent weariness in her face. Rumor had it that she and her partner had a fight in the family room the day she crashed her car, drunk, with their kids in it. Apparently, it involved slapping, yelling and scratching.
Diane couldn't really picture her boss in such a scene. She was always so together and in control of herself.
Susan rose her eyes from her chart and noticed the younger woman's eyes on her "Can I help you, Diane?".
Spencer cleared her throat and shook her head. Susan returned to her notes and proceeded to erase a name from the board. She had one more hour to go and things seemed under control which meant she'd have dinner with the boys at decent hours.
Since Chloe returned to NY, Susan kept having a hard time rearranging her routine around their school schedule. If it wasn't for Corazon's help, Susan would be lost. She made a point to have breakfast and dinner with them but the in-betweens were crazy with all the shifts, classes and meetings she had to attend.
She was exhausted and felt like she harbored a ticking time bomb inside herself. She caught herself being curt with her staff and abrupt with her sons for no reason. She resented Abby for being away but then reminded herself that she was the one who sent her to Phoenix in the first place.
Susan sneaked into the bed slowly, feeling refreshed from her shower. She hated working the graveyard shift as it made her feel she'd miss most of the following day and even if she was the chief she had to now and then assign herself one of those. She had to set the tone.
Abby slept peacefully and Susan spooned behind her just to settle herself a little. She buried her face in her lover's hair, loving the scent of her shampoo and let her hands wander on her side and soft skin of her stomach. She knew she'd wake her up but by now her own senses were on full alert and she just couldn't sleep. Abby shifted and moaned when Susan palmed her breast under her shirt, it encouraged her and she kissed her neck gently.
She felt Abby's arm curling around her neck, keeping her closer and she smiled when Abby opened her eyes and hummed against her touch "I love waking up like this...". Susan kissed her softly wanting to savor the moment. Abby's fingernails traced lazy patterns on her back and she felt her thigh pressing against the center of her body, making her squirm at the contact. "Don't start a fire you can't put out..." Susan whispered against her lips.
Abby responded by hooking her legs around Susan's hips and letting her teeth scrape against her tongue just to tease her a little more...
Susan jerked, disoriented. She was flushed, her breathing was ragged and she reached for the bedside lamp. Susan sagged at the sight of Abby's untouched side.
It had only been a dream.
Jenny chuckled as she sprayed sun block on her forearms and shoulders "This place's costing me a small fortune, there's no way I'm leaving without a decent tan".
Abby rolled her jeans up and sat with her back against the wall. Even in the shade it was searing hot and she never craved a beer so bad in her life.
They were playing hooky on one of the group's sessions and exhilarated on the minor infraction. "What if they see us here?", Abby wondered. She knew it was voluntary but she also knew they'd keep her on a shorter leash if she didn't cooperate.
Jenny waved her hand dismissively "Forget them. You'd better wear shorts next time, you don't want to be covered in weird tanlines when your husband sees you again".
Abby smirked but said nothing. Jenny looked at her expectantly "The ring's kind of a tip-off. What does he do?", she asked mostly to make small talk. Abby had checked in a few weeks ago and Jenny realized that apart that she was from Chicago and had two boys, she didn't know anything else about her.
Abby played with her ring "She's a doctor, too". It was awkward introducing the subject to new people, not because it ashamed her, but because people always expected her to tell astonishing coming out stories and their story was just the story of two friends who fell in love with each other.
She could see Jenny didn't see it coming "Really?", she gasped.
She nodded and kept playing with her wedding ring "Yeah, really. Her name is Susan", she smiled and then turned quiet again.
"So I take Susan's mad at you?", Jenny prodded.
"You could say that". Then she added with a lop-sided smile "Why else would she send me away to this hell hole?".
Jenny chuckled and made eye contact with the other woman "Well, I think Susan really wants you to get your shit together". Then she propped her sunglasses on her nose again and sighed "I dated a woman once".
Now Abby looked amused "How'd that went for you?".
Jenny looked deep in thought "Well, we drove each other crazy. Too many estrogen, I guess? Great sex, though". Then she shook her head "She was married and I was constantly high at the time, so I guess it was doomed".
Abby smiled in sympathy "I'm sorry about that" and they both became quiet again until Jenny retreated to the shadow and sat next to Abby.
"You ever been with men?", she asked out of the blue.
Abby let out a chuckle "I've been in so many jinxed relationships with men, you don't really want to know". Howie, Richard, Luka, Carter. They were all great guys and yet none of those relationships had truly fulfilled her.
Jenny smiled "I get it, she's the one".
Abby nodded "Yeah, I think she really is".
The other woman eyed her "Don't you miss it? Sweaty, vigorous sex with men, I mean?".
Abby felt silly for having this kind of conversation, but the lightness of it felt good. "I never had to fake it with her", she said smugly. Then she decided to indulge Jenny "It's great to be with someone who actually knows what to do with their hands and mouth...".
Jenny bobbed her head back in laughter and Abby shook her head "I'm sorry, too much information!".
"No, no, no! I haven't had any in a ridiculous amount of time, I'm loving this!", Jenny smiled with all her teeth.
Abby nodded "Yeah, I know the feeling". She reminded herself that the last time they had made love, she'd been drunk and didn't really remember much of it.
She promised herself that she'd do anything to have Susan back in her arms.
Susan fumed at Mark "Go to your room and no TV until I tell you otherwise!".
She watched as the older boy reluctantly went into his room and started to make a peanut butter sandwich for Joe. On top of another shitty day at the hospital, Mark's teacher called her in for an "emergency meeting". Apparently, he had been acting out for the past days and today he had been involved in a punch fight with another kid.
Susan felt she was losing it but knew she had to keep herself together for the sake of their family. When her phone rang, she wasn't expecting Abby's name on the display. She took the call "Abby?".
"I just saw that email from Mrs. Gilbert. Can I speak to him?", Abby asked softly.
"Of course, just give me a sec", Susan took the phone to their boys' room, Mark sat in his bed with his face propped against his knees. His eyes lightened up when Susan told him it was Abby and she left the room to give them some privacy.
Abby smiled "Hey buddy, how are you?".
The little boy sensed she knew he was in trouble and answered timidly "I'm fine...".
"I heard you were in some kind of fight today, what happened?", she asked softly to see if he'd open up.
"Carl Simmons is a douche", he mumbled and Abby chuckled silently "What did he do to you? You know you're not supposed to fight".
"He was saying nasty things about you and mom...", the boy whispered and Abby closed her eyes. Every now and then some kid would say something like that.
"Well, we've talked about this before, it's not the first time it happens. Why punch him in the face?", Abby tried to keep the conversation in a light tone.
"I don't know, he just pissed me off...".
Abby realized he wasn't going to touch the subject so she ventured "Look, I know you're upset... but I'm doing all I can to go home soon...".
The boy interrupted her "Are you getting a divorce?".
Abby froze at the words and wondered where he'd heard them "Where did you hear that?".
"Mike's dad also moved away and then his parents got divorced...", the boy said softly.
Abby felt how much her absence was affecting her kids and she hated herself once more for putting them through all that.
"Mark, I'm being completely honest with you here. I don't know. I hope not, I'm doing all I can to make things right. I'm better now...". She felt a tear rolling down her cheek and wiped it away.
"But why did you have to go to Phoenix to get better? I've checked it in the map, it's in the desert! Mom's a doctor and so are you!", he replied exasperated.
Abby had to laugh at his astuteness and answered the best way she could "Remember when Uncle Eric died? I was so, so sad... That sadness made me do things I didn't mean to... This place I'm in is like a hospital for people who are very, very sad... And I have to stay here until I'm sure I'm okay ". She wasn't making much sense but she didn't know of a better way to explain him.
She took a deep breath in and smiled "Now, I don't want to hear about more fights at school, ok? I love you. Let me talk to Mom". Abby wanted to check how Susan was.
"How bad is it?", she asked when she picked up the phone.
Susan sighed "He got himself his first black-eye. The other kid's front teeth went missing...".
Abby chuckled quietly "He has my temper, I'm afraid. I'd probably have punched the kid too".
Susan laughed with gusto at Abby's remark and let out words she didn't mean to "God, it's so good to hear your voice...".