I walk on to the familiar stage but I have no memory of this place. The bright lights blind me again but it feels like the first time. I feel like a person, not just a vicious killing machine. I look at myself in the huge screen showing the parts of this interview that they will see all throughout Panem. Not only do I no longer feel harmless, I no longer look harmless. I look like an innocent 16-year-old girl. And with all that I've been through, that is saying a lot.

Caesar welcomes me to the stage and offers the white, cushy seat next to his own. The same seat I had sat on two weeks earlier. The same seat little Rue, Katniss, lover boy, Marvel, Cato, and all the other tributes had sat on before and after me. The same chair that I, out of all 24 of us to sit on it, am the only one who will ever sit on it again.

"Clove, how do you feel now that you are out of the games?" Caesar asks.

I don't know how to answer. I haven't thought about it much, but before even one word popped into my head I was already talking from my heart, "Well, my whole life I have been watching the games back home in district 2 and I have been preparing to be in them myself. All I was ever really told to do was win the games. And now that I've done that, I really don't know where I am supposed to go." I finish.

Caesar starts immediately after I finish, "Yes, yes. Now, Clove, it is time to watch some of your highlights in the games. Are you ready?" He looks over at me with his thumb on the play button on the remote in his hand.

Regardless of my answer, he and all of Panem are expecting to have a review of the sins that I committed in the arena, but this time I was invited to watch. I nod slightly, knowing that I have no other choice. I cringe slightly as the television flickers on showing me, back home, at the day of the reaping holding Cole's hand.

Cole. What is he going to think? Is he going to be proud? Disgusted? I don't know what he will think, maybe because I don't even know what I think myself.

Then it shows my name getting called and me walking onto stage. I've never seen myself look so angry and terrified, am I really that transparent? I ask it off.

Next, the tribute parade. Cato looks beautiful, his chiseled muscles look even larger and stronger next to my petite frame. I look like a young girl, a child. One who is a killing machine, but still a child. I notice that as we are riding on our chariot Cato periodically glances in my direction, smiling softly at me. My stomach twists and turns in ways that shouldn't be natural as I watch Cato, so strong and elegant, cutting up dummies with swords in the background of my knife throwing video. A lump builds in my throat as I watch him. I don't get to be sad. I don't deserve to miss him. It's my fault he's gone.

I am so deep in thought, desperately trying to prove my innocence to my brain, that I don't even notice myself on the platform surrounding the cornucopia. Cato to my left side. He's looking at me again. Am I this oblivious? I can't help but wonder.

The timer is at 8 when I see myself bouncing, smirking in excitement. I was that excited to have these 23 other kids be killed? I feel something I haven't felt since I killed my father. Guilt. I almost didn't recognize the feeling, but I was disgusted with myself.

Finally the gong sounds and I am watching myself run at a speed I didn't know I had in me to the cornucopia. Since I know I was being boring at this point they show short clips are Cato, Marvel, and Glimmer killing already. It shows Cato the most, and I knew it was on purpose. I see him with his sword as he forces it into the 9 boy's chest. A few splatters of blood appear on his face and he is breathing heavily. He is, well was, so strong and brave. I miss him. I watch him run his fingers tightly up the blade to slick the blood onto his fingers and then wipe it on his shirt. I have never seen him look hotter. Then he turns and looks again at me, fiddling with some knives, and sitting there, watching this all again, I know that I truly love this boy.

The shot soon sinks back to me. It is showing me watching the chaos. And then something worse then I could ever imagine happened, something I would never forgive my body for doing. I see myself laughing. In the middle of the battlefield, snickering, watching. I hate myself. I don't even remember doing it, but there it is, plain as day. I bite my bottom lip to force the tears to stay into my eyes, to not cross the barrier of my eyelids.

I am caught in "Cato Land" when a shout of my name brings me back into reality. I look at the scream and watch as I run over to Glimmer, nod and then throw my knife into that boys back. I am shocked when every single person in Caesar's audience is cheering. For me. Because I just killed that boy.

It shows me glaring at Katniss as she gets away and then me pulling the knife out of the boys back and cleaning it. More cheers.

I forget the video is playing as I fall deep into thought about Cato. His image playing in my head. Not the images I saw here on the screen. But the real thing. The way his eyes lit up when he laughed, the ways his strong arms held me tight and made me feel safer that I had ever felt in my whole life. When he cut off Thresh's head to save me. When he kissed me. I would give everything to go back in the arena, anything to be back with Cato, but it's my fault he is gone.

All of a sudden I look up at he screen, it already showed half of the games and is now right before Cato kisses me. I am embarrassed that all of Panem saw that… twice.

I am now giggling on the screen when I watch Cato grab me and kiss me. And he means it, I can tell. All of a sudden I realize that my cheeks are soaked, that I have been crying, for a while now. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand hoping no one would have noticed, I know they did I just wanted to make myself feel better.

Wiping my eyes didn't help, I'm crying even more than before. I know everyone can tell. I am unsuccessfully trying to wipe away the tears, replaying that kiss over and over in my head when I suddenly hear a voice in the back of my head. I recognize the voice. It's Cato's. "Clove, don't worry about me. This is your time to shine. You did it. You've won." My imaginary Cato voice tells me. And it helps. I don't know why, but it does.

The video finishes with me stabbing Cato in the stomach. I notice something I didn't when it was actually happening, Cato was trying to say "I love you" and I didn't even notice. Even after he knew he was going to die, that I was going to kill him, he still loved me. And, wherever he is, he probably still does.

The rest of the interview with Caesar goes very well. He doesn't ask me any questions about Cato, luckily, but he does ask me how many people I killed in the games. I took me a while to do the math but I finally came up with the answer: 4. I only killed 4. It feels like so many more. But 4.

I have to say I am happy. But that's the Clover in me talking. If Clove was in my head right now she'd be thinking that I should have killed them all. I think killing Cao may have kicked the Clove out of me. For the first time in a long time the pressure has been lifted off of my shoulders, I have done what I have been preparing to do my whole life. And I did it even earlier than I was supposed to. I'm done now. I can go back to being me. I don't have to be this vicious person anymore. I have no reason to be. I can finally just be Clover.

With that Caesar stands up, I do as well,

"Thank you for joining us for that exciting recap," Caesar begins, "And congratulations, Clove." He grips my hand in a shake and I interrupt by saying words I never thought would come out of my mouth,

"Please, call me Clover." I say. Caesar responds with a slight nod of his head and I walk of stage and straight onto the train.