They had managed to keep their relationship private for over a year. After Carter confronted them and left for Africa, they both decided they would take each day at a time. They didn't go out of their way to keep it a big secret, but they didn't shove it in anyone's face either.
When Abby started moving in all her stuff, it was soon obvious that the apartment was too small for them. "We should get a bigger place...", Susan sighed, one afternoon, as she struggled with the wardrobe drawers.
Abby looked up from her manual "I like it here". Abby thought Susan's place was welcoming and lived on.
Susan sat on the edge of the bed "I like you here", she smiled conspiracionally.
Abby smiled back at her. It was still crazy to think that they were together, but Abby couldn't remember the last time she felt so content in a relationship before. She had no idea if it was because Susan was a woman, but it surprised her how she could open up to her and actually talk about things, but they could also be right next to each other in comfortable silence without it being awkward.
Susan was now snuggling close to her, her lips tasting her neck, Abby leaned into the contact and sighed demurely "I'm reading...".
She whispered in her ear "I can tell you all about stroke prophylaxis in atrial fibrillation later...". Abby put her manual down on the bedside table and kissed Susan. It was still new and Abby loved the softness of it. She was a good kisser and it was a much better option to spend her spare time like this than to read cardiology studies.
Abby was busy with her hands under the hem of Susan's blouse when her beeper started buzzing. Seconds after Susan's could be heard somewhere in the living room.
"You gotta be kidding me...", Susan groaned in frustration as Abby checked the message in the display "Multiple MVAs... some pile-up on Kennedy...".
With an oomph, Susan got out of bed decidedly "Come on, let's go". She threw Abby her coat as she looked around for her purse. Abby watched her, unsure "What, together?".
The other woman shrugged her shoulders "Well, why not? There must be a pool running on us anyway".
Abby looked deep in thought as they went out and Susan kissed her cheek "Relax. It's not a big deal".
Abby smiled "It's easy for you to say". Susan had been appointed ER chief a few months ago.
When they got there, the ambulance bay was swamped and Susan was immediately pulled into one of the trauma rooms. Luka asked Abby to help him out with one the patients and they worked on the guy for almost an hour before stabilizing him to the OR.
She noticed Luka's eyes on her when they were discarding their gloves and gowns. "What?".
He looked around and when he realized they were alone, he asked "Did you and Susan came in together?".
Abby resisted the urge to lie and just nodded "Yep…".
"You seem really close...", he said quietly, his eyes on hers.
Luka was her friend, he deserved knowing, if only for their past. "When you hear hoof beats, think of horses not zebras", she smiled.
He shook his head, looking at her blankly, "I don't...".
She remembered he might not be familiar with the saying. "It's exactly what it looks like...", she averted her eyes to her feet.
Luka wasn't really surprised, he had a feeling that something was up. He'd been watching Abby and noticed that since Carter went away she didn't seem that sad at all. In fact, he'd seen her smile more in the recent months than the whole time Abby and himself were together. He also noticed how Abby's tone mellowed when she talked to Susan. It was the same tone she'd used with him, years ago, so Luka couldn't really help noticing when they came in together after being paged on their day off.
Luka shook his head "It's a little weird…".
Abby smiled "I know…".
He gave her that lopsided grin of his "But you're smiling… You're always smiling now…".
Abby was surprised by his words. She hadn't noticed anything different in her demeanor but she couldn't really hide that she was in a good stage in life.
"I don't want to jinx it…", she practically whispered.
Luka smiled "You're happy, aren't you?".
At Abby's nod, Luka squeezed her arm before leaving the room "Good. I'm glad".
When she stepped into the lounge, Susan was already putting her lab coat in her locker "Let's try that new mexican place on Devon. I'm starving".
Abby placed her stethoscope on the hook inside her locker and discarded her lab coat "I just told Luka…".
Susan's eyes shoot up "About us?". She watched as Abby fumbled with her purse.
They were alone but Abby still lowered her voice. "Yeah. I think we have his blessing…".
Susan's smile reached her eyes as she closed her locker "See? And it wasn't the end of the world…".
Joe whined as Abby poured milk on his cereal "I don't like Cheerios…". She kept setting the table, unfazed "Nonsense. You love Cheerios".
Mark looked at her skeptically "We have Lucky Charms now…". Abby wondered what else could have changed in just three months. She emptied their bowls and stretched to get the right box of cereal this time. When she saw Susan approaching them, she asked "You still like black coffee, right?". Susan accepted the mug and noticed that Abby didn't make eye contact.
"You're up early…", she said as she sipped at her coffee. Abby nodded and continued to spread butter on her toast. They ate quietly and Susan knew Abby was upset about the day before. She had over-reacted and wished she hadn't said the words she said. She should've apologized right away.
"I'm taking them to school. Unless you have a problem with that", Abby said matter-of-factly, as she finished her coffee. Susan wanted to talk to her about the day before but not in front of the kids, so she lowered her gaze "No problem at all".
When they finished their cereal, Mark and Joe rushed to go brush their teeth despite Abby's plea "No running in the house!". She slipped into her coat and Susan tried to break the ice "What are you doing today?".
Abby shrugged her shoulders "These sessions I have to attend". Susan parked herself in front of her so she wouldn't avert her eyes away "About yesterday... I'm sorry about what I said...".
"Are you? Really? Because I think you're really enjoying keeping me in the doghouse".
Susan rolled her eyes and watched as Abby turned away from her.
Chloe's voice chirped in her ear "So, how are you two lovebirds doing? Making up for lost time?". Chloe knew her sister had a rough time during Abby's rehab and regularly checked to see how she was. Susan sighed in the other end of the line "Hardly…I want to forget what happened, but how do I do that? ".
Chloe knew everything about rehab, relapsing, struggling to get her life back together. She knew how many times her sister had found her gagging on her own vomit, how she'd improvised stomach pumps to avoid losing her to an overdose, how she took care of her newborn daughter while she was crossing the country high with some creep whose name she didn't even remember anymore.
She pondered her words before speaking up "Give her a break, Susan. You had a hard time but so did Abby. Rehab's pretty crap… All she needs is your trust, right now".
"I want to trust! She lied to me once, how do I know it won't happen again?", Susan sighed exasperated. She suddenly wished that she could have some kind of amnesia.
"That's the thing about trusting. You won't ever know for certain that she won't ever hurt you again. You have to ask yourself if your relationship is worth the risk of being hurt again".
Susan wondered when her sister became so wise.
After Chloe hung up, Susan tried to return to her budget spreadsheets but couldn't focus on the numbers. They had once promised each other that they would always talk about things and not resort to that passive-aggressive crap.
She checked her watch as she called her assistant "Brenda. Can you call Dr. Jones and see if we can postpone his performance review for tomorrow, same time? There's somewhere I have to be. Thanks".
Susan sped down Lincoln Av., trying to avoid the red lights. She looked at the street signs and hoped she got the right place. She remembered Abby saying something about it being right close to DePaul.
Inside, a woman told her the meeting had already started but that she could go in. Susan opened the door as quietly as she could and sat in a free chair in the back row. She immediately spotted Abby in one of the first rows listening to a forty something guy who was sharing his story.
It was her first time in a AA meeting and she expected a pulpit or a chair in the middle of a circle like in the movies. Susan was pleasantly surprised that Abby offered to share next. It felt like she was spying on her but Susan came only to show her support. The counselor asked Abby how her first week at home went and Susan heard as she gushed on how much she had missed the sons, how happy they had been with her back home.
"How's your partner handling everything?", he asked.
Abby paused and even in the back row, Susan could see her wrinkling her nose in that cute way she did. "She's mad at me for loading her with all this mess… Not only the last months I've been away, but last year too. I was physically here, but I wasn't really there. I get that… But I've apologized a thousand times, I don't know what else I can say".
Susan felt a tinge of guilt in her chest. Abby was right, she did say how sorry she was a lot of times. There she was, going to meetings, trying to get herself together. She should give her some slack.
"I feel like I have broken the trust between us… I wish I knew what to say to her… I'm doing this for us, for our family…". Abby's voice faltered a little and the man nodded like to tell her that it was okay to cry.
He kept saying how it was important that she did it for herself, more than anything. Abby nodded but didn't say anything else and he didn't insist either.
Susan considered Abby's words. She looked so exposed and sad. Susan remembered how happy and carefree they were when they started seeing each other. She missed them being like that and decided they'd have to fight together for their happiness.
When the meeting came to an end, the counselor approached her "Abby… You're doing great. The tension and strain are normal… I guess it gets worse before it gets better?", he winked and patted her arm as he went to talk to someone else.
Abby took her stuff and turned around to get herself a cup of coffee in the improvised cafeteria. She froze when she saw Susan looking at her, leaning against the wall. She fixed herself a cup of black coffee and one for Susan. She wondered if she'd heard her sharing.
She handed Susan a mug "When did you get here?".
Susan nodded "A while ago. That's good coffee…", she smiled trying to break the ice. Abby gave her a polite smile but kept quiet.
She tried tentatively "I was way out of line, yesterday. I am sorry".
"You were right", Abby shrugged. She didn't like being a punching bag but she knew she deserved the hard time Susan was giving her.
"No. I know how you hate this and you never once complained… I know you're doing this for us…" Susan took her hand gently and gave her a light tug so that Abby looked at her. "Some people say sorry is the hardest word… for me it's not. I'm sorry I was a bitch yesterday".
Abby's eyes softened and Susan smiled before continuing "The hardest thing for me to say is that... I need you. I don't want to raise the boys alone… I need you by my side… Let's start with a clean sheet".
Abby looked at their hands entwined and sighed "That's all I want…".
She watched the hospital entrance from the opposite side of the ambulance bay as she finished her coffee. She missed Magoo's, the coffee at Jumbo Mart had become increasingly worse over the years. Abby felt a mix of anxiety, fear but also relief: County was familiar territory and she knew what to expect.
Abby went in and spotted familiar faces at admit but decided to go to the doctor's lounge first. She was pleased that it was empty and stopped for a second before entering her locker combination.
She smiled at the pinned photo of her family and spotted the neatly arranged bottles on the shelf, a reminder of her own decay and the choices she had made. Abby grabbed the bottles and poured its contents into the sink, the smell of the alcohol flaring her nostrils. Before developing the problem, Abby loved having a drink after work, over dinner or just chilling at home. She'd never have the pleasure again, but she knew she'd made the right decision. She was surprised that she wasn't even tempted to take a sip. It felt like meeting an ex lover or something and Abby chuckled at her own weird comparison as she returned to her locker and slipped into her new lab coat Susan had got her that morning.
She took the time to properly disinfect her stethoscope before placing it around her neck, checked if her pen still worked and slipped her pager into her pocket. Luka went in as she was closing her locker and he smiled at her warmly "Look what the cat dragged in!"
He pulled her into a tight hug and Abby smiled against his chest. He pulled back and crooked his neck to look at her "How are you doing?", hands on his hips.
She smiled and shrugged her shoulders "One day at a time. I'm glad to be back...".
Luka nodded towards the door "It's crazy out there, try to take it slow". Abby shook her head "I'm tired of taking it slow, I'm dying to get into a trauma room!".
Luka chuckled as he approached the coffee machine and Abby cleared her throat "So, I suppose everyone knows".
He shrugged as he sipped at his mug "You know the rumor mill... But Kerry was very discreet about it. I had to really press her to know what was going on...". Luka was the ER chief since Susan went to Northwestern and he'd been surprised by the revelation that Abby'd checked into rehab. "Weaver wants me to supervise you...", he added.
Abby nodded as she turned to the door "I'll try to make things run as smoothly as possible...". What else could she say?
He called her once more "Abby? I know it's been a long time but... Carter's back in Chicago and he's been pulling a few shifts... We were one attending down, so...".
Abby was dumbfounded. Since their messy break-up over her relationship with Susan, they had seen each other not more than three or four times. The last time had been a couple years ago when he opened the Carter Center.
She nodded before pushing the door open "Thanks for the heads up".
It was nice being back. Malik twirled her around in his arms, Haleh sighed "Thank God you're back" as she hugged her quickly before rushing to the ambulance bay and even Frank seemed pleased to see her.
She eyed the chart rack and recognized immediately the voice behind her "I don't think you're supposed to pick patients". Carter towered over her with a scruffy beard and she noticed a sprinkling of gray hair around his temples, but his eyes were still as gentle as she remembered.
"Carter", she smiled and they leaned into an awkward hug. He looked at her and nodded "You look great. I heard you were away for a while...". Abby sensed the approaching med students and Carter squeezed her arm before turning his attention to them "Keep strong".
She had said the same to him years ago and Abby smiled at the coincidence. She watched him retreat to one of the trauma rooms and pulled a chart to start her shift.
Luka insisted that they'd all gather after their shift at Ike's. Abby was exhausted after her first shift in over three months and wanted to crawl back home and slip into her bed, but everyone had been so genuinely happy to have her back that she acquiesced.
When he raised his glass, she deadpanned "You realize how inappropriate it is to propose toasts to a drunk?".
Everyone boomed with laughter and Luka winced "I'm sorry...". Abby chuckled and dismissed him with a reassuring wave. Then she turned back to Neela "So, what else have I missed?".
The British sipped at her beer as she observed Carter talking to Luka "Well, no-one knows why he's here... has he broken up for good with Kem? He just won't say...".
Abby smiled at all the people around her. She had missed feeling like she belonged somewhere. These were her people. "What about you? Still not with Ray?", Abby smirked.
"He's dating a pedes nurse. Kyra something. We might have spent some time together lately but I don't know...". If it wasn't for the dimmed lights, Abby would say that Neela was blushing.
She sipped at her bland club soda "Do what your heart tells you...", she said sincerely. Neela was a brilliant surgeon but so insecure in her private life. Just like herself.
"Who are you and what have you done to my friend?", Neela quipped and they both started giggling.
Abby was enjoying the banter and watched everyone silently. Her eyes averted to the door and she noticed Susan coming in, wearing that navy blue power suit she loved on her. Susan winked at her and Abby smiled as everyone cheered and greeted her.
She watched as Susan stood between Luka and Carter, looking surprised but also happy to see him. It could have been really awkward but it was water under the bridge and they had all grown up.
Neela laughed and Abby looked at her with questioning eyes "You slept with all three of them!".
Abby glared at her but couldn't help smiling at her remark.
Susan's heart fluttered at the sight of Abby looking like Abby again. She excused herself "Gentlemen...", crossed the room and nodded "Hi Neela", but her eyes were on her lover.
Neela noticed the lingering looks between them and stood up "I'll be right back...". Susan sat next to Abby and smiled gently "I was wondering if you needed a lift, so I came by the hospital. How was your first day back?".
"I feel like I just started my residency", Abby chuckled and her hand stroked Susan's forearm "I love this color on you".
Susan's green eyes twinkled, she knew Abby was flirting with her. The last few days had been so good after she decided to forgive her and let go of the resentment.
"Stop doing that...", she warned with affection in her voice.
"Doing what?", Abby batted her eyelashes and Susan shook her head. She leaned and whispered in her ear "Stop looking at me like that or I'll have to take you in one the bathrooms stalls". She still knew how to play this game too.
"Wouldn't be the first time...", Abby slurred and they both smirked at her words. Abby continued to sip at her water, her eyes mischievous. In the beginning of their relationship, there were times where the urgency of their love almost got them in trouble. The other woman still drove her crazy but Abby knew she could wait until they got home. Their home.
Carter looked at them from the bar, enthralled at how they looked at each other, how at ease they seemed. They did that thing with their eyes that people in love do but no-one around them seemed to bat an eye.
Carter nodded at the barman to refill his drink.