Chapt 20
Claire had spent the night in the bed with Matt that night, holding him as he fell asleep with tears still wet on his cheeks. She had slipped out of bed early the next morning and headed into the kitchen to make him breakfast and coffee. She wanted to talk to him over breakfast about his mom and dad. Her heart had broken right along with his the night before and the pieces were still scattered inside her chest.
When she had the plates on the table she went to the room and kneeled beside the bed. "Matt, honey wake up and come eat some breakfast."
Matt mumbled something that was groggily incoherent and rolled over. Claire gently shook him and attempted to wake him again. This time he rolled back over and his eyes opened just a bit and he reached out to touch her face. "Thank you for being here last night with me. You didn't have to stay in here all night like you did."
"Its okay sweetheart, I owe you for all you've done for me these last few days. Why don't you get up and go wash your face off then meet me in the kitchen? I have you some breakfast ready and waiting on you, coffee too."
Matt nodded and sat up rubbing his neck. "I would give anything if you could tell me that last night was a dream."
Claire smiled sadly at him and leaned over to kiss his forehead. "I know and believe me when I say that I would love to tell you that. When you get to the kitchen we can talk."
Ten minutes later he was sitting with her in the kitchen eating his breakfast. His eyes were swollen and he had dark circles decorating his face. He had slept but not well, tossing and turning through out the night. As soon as they had finished eating and their coffee was gone Claire put the dishes in the sink and took his hand to lead him out to the white sand.
"So Matt I've been thinking, and I don't see why you can't just go. It's not like they can stop you from seeing your dad. Besides, you need to be there to say I love you to him."
"Claire you don't understand. He's in the hospital and mom will have told them that I'm not to come into the room if she knows that I'm still gay. Believe me when I tell you that I want to go, I need too. I just don't want to see that disappointment in my dad's eyes, I don't want to know that he died being disappointed in me, not being proud."
Claire sat silently for a minute thinking about what Matt had said. Finally she gazed out at the horizon and said quietly, "So let him be proud of you Matt. Go home and see him and let him believe that you are who he wants you to be. I know that it would make you feel better in the end."
"How can I do that Claire? Lie to him and my mom?"
"Don't lie to them, no, but if they were to make their own assumptions, well then that wouldn't be your fault now would it?"
"What are you thinking in that scheming brain of yours?"
Claire looked at him and smiled. "I'm only saying that you would need a friend with you for support and I'm sure that I could get off work. Everyone here assumes that we are dating and no amount of denying it seems to convince them otherwise. So if your parents assume what everyone else assumes, especially when we do nothing to encourage the assumptions, we aren't exactly lying to them."
Matt sat quietly thinking it over. "I just hate that he would only be proud of a lie, not who I really am. I guess him having that peace of mind would make me feel a bit better no matter what. You would go with me, really?"
"Of course I would go with you! That's what friends are for, and you're then best friend I've ever had."
That night the two of them had talked to their bosses and were on a plane headed to St. Louis. Matt held her hand through the whole flight and they took a small nap while they were in the air. Right before they landed he turned to her. "I just want you to know that I really appreciate you doing this. I don't think I could have faced this alone. It's just still so hard to believe that my dad isn't going to make it."
"I know how you feel, I really do. I've been there and I know how painful it is."
Half an hour after they had landed they were pulling into the hospital parking lot. Matt took her hand and led her in through the automatic doors. At the front desk he stopped and spoke to the nurse there. "I'm looking for Steve Korklan's room, I'm his son."
"I cannot give you his room number but I can tell you that he is on the fourth floor in the west wing. You should be able to find the family in the waiting room. Take the red elevators and it will bring you out right down the hall from where you need to be."
Inside the elevator he sighed heavily, with tears in his eyes. "I told you that I wouldn't be welcomed here."
"Just give it time Matt; it's all going to be okay. You have every right to be here to see your father."
They exited the elevators and headed down the hall toward the waiting area. Right before he turned to go in he turned to face Claire. "I can't thank you enough. I do love you."
Smiling Claire took his hand and nodded to him. He led her into the room and she felt his muscles tense.
"Mom, how is dad?"
"I thought I told you that you weren't welcome here Matthew. Your father doesn't need the added stress; it's bad enough as it is."
Claire's heart broke all over again for him. She stepped up beside of him so that she could be more easily seen, all the while never letting go of his hand. She didn't know how a family could be so unsupportive of each other and was thankful that her mom supported her in everything. Claire noticed when his mom's eyes saw her and their linked hands. They changed subtly, taking on a curious light.
"Mom, this is Claire."
His mother stood and walked to them. She extended her hand and smiled. "I'm Elaine, Matt's mother. Nice to meet you Claire, although the circumstances leave much to be desired," she said with a catch to her words.
"I'm so sorry about your husband Mrs. Korklan."
The older lady nodded and wiped at her eyes. They were Matt's eyes, soft and kind at some level. She had a hard weathered look about her, as though she had spent years steeped in worry and stress. Claire couldn't help but wonder how much of that stress had been brought on needlessly, worrying about something that she had no control over anyway.
"Well, Matthew, Claire, come have a seat." As they sat she smiled. "So how long have you two known each other?"
"For about four months now," Claire said.
"Mom how's dad?"
Taking another tissue his mom said in a voice so soft Claire barely heard, "He isn't well Matt, he's had one massive heart attack and the doctors believe that he has had at least eight small heart attacks since. They say that even with surgery the damage is irreparable. They don't believe that he will make it through the weekend."
Matt sat silent and tears rolled down his cheeks in rivers. Claire reached out and took his hand in hers once again; not thinking of the impression it would give his mother, and in all honesty not really caring about it. She was here to comfort her friend and that was what she intended to do.
"When can I see him mom?"
"He's due to have visitors again in five minutes. You and Claire can go on in then." She nodded and then stood. "He's in room number 456, down the hall on the right. I'm going to go down to get something to eat and I'll be back in a bit."
They all stood as she left the room and Matt wrapped his arms around Claire's waist in a tight hug. "Thank you for being here."
"You're welcome," Claire said placing a kiss on his tear streaked cheek. Neither knew that his mom was watching from the small window in the waiting room door, smiling to herself thinking that there was more than a friendship between her son and the woman who was in his arms.
"Dad, it's me, Matt. Mom said that I should come in and see you." Claire stood back at the door giving Matt time with his dad. The tears on his face and the choked sound in his voice broke her heart. She wanted to run to him and love him. "Dad, I just wanted you to know that I love you. I'm sorry for all the disappointments that I've brought to your life, but through it all I loved you. I always will love you daddy." He broke down on the last word, unable to speak more.
She watched as he held his dads hand in his own and waited a minute before walking to his side, placing her hand on his back. Standing silently by him she felt her cheeks become wet with her own tears and she quickly washed them away. She was thinking of being a hospital like this one, watching her own dad dying. Matt's dad reminded her so much of her own, lying there with tubes and monitors all around, eyes closed and unresponsive. Her heart hurt for the man and the family.
When the P.A. system announced that visiting hours were over the two of them headed back to the waiting room hand in hand. Matt's mom was waiting and Claire noticed a younger version of Matt sitting beside of her with his arm draped over her shoulders. They looked up as Matt and Claire entered the room and Mrs. Korklan smiled warmly.
"How was he? Did he respond at all?"
Matt simply shook his head and took a seat. "Mike, when did you get here?"
"A few minutes ago, while you guys were in the room."
Introductions were made and then they all sat in silence. At seven o'clock that night Matt stretched and stood. "I guess we need to be going and finding a hotel. I'll be back first thing in the morning mom. Call me on my cell phone if you hear anything at all."
"Son, there's no reason for a hotel; you are welcome to stay at the house. I'm going home too since they don't allow visitors after eight at night anyway. I'll fix us all a simple dinner and we can get some rest."
That night at the house where Matt had spent his teenage years he told Claire more about his childhood and showed her pictures from his younger days. They stayed close together, comfortable in each others presence. When it came time to sleep Elaine suggested that they might want to share a room. For them it was no big deal but when they said that they would like that Matt's mom couldn't hide her pleasure.
That night they lay in the bed that had been his throughout his teenage years and he told her about his dad. They shared stories of their fathers and the ways that they were similar and Claire felt a peace about her father's passing so early, a peace that she hadn't felt in years. Wrapped in Matt's arms she fell asleep against his chest and they slept soundly until morning.
At nine the next morning there was a soft knock at the door. "Matt honey, its time to wake up and have some breakfast before we head to the hospital," his mother called.
"Alright we'll be right there," he said sleepily. He stretched and Claire rolled to face him.
"Good morning, are you alright this morning?"
"As good as I'm going to be all day I think. Can I tell you something," he asked. When she nodded he said, "When you first suggested that we come here, not telling my parents if we were together or not, letting them draw their own assumptions, I thought that you were crazy. I didn't think it would ever work out but it has. For once I feel like my parents care, at least my mom. I just don't want you to think that I'm using you in any way or anything."
"Never would I think that Matt. I know you better than that."
They got up and dressed and headed to the kitchen. After a delicious breakfast Claire offered to help with the dishes. She was drying the last plate when the phone rang. Elaine answered it and after a minute her face went pale, and her hand went to her lips. "Yes, we will be there in a little while, thank you for calling."
As she hung up tears marked her cheeks and Matt began to cry silent tears as well. Claire was at his side when his mom spoke. "That was the hospital; they wanted to tell us that your father is gone. His heart just stopped beating in his sleep."
Matt buried his head in Claire's shoulder and cried like a boy whose heart would never mend. After a minute Claire pulled back and looked at him. "I'm so sorry Matt, I really am." He brushed her cheeks with his thumbs and she thought that she must have been crying too. She leaned in to kiss his wet cheeks as she had so many times before just as he turned his head to look at her. Their lips met and held for a moment longer than necessary and when they broke away he pulled her close again. Her heart, though broken felt more alive than it had in years even though she knew that it was a mistake, one that would never be repeated.