Chapt 21
That week flew by in a flurry of activity and emotions. Funeral plans were made and carried out, family and friends stopped in to pay the condolences, and the tears flowed like rivers. The night of the funeral there had been people at Matt's parent's house until near ten o'clock that night and as the last one left Claire turned to look for her friend. He was no where in the house so she walked out back to the deck to see if he had gone out for some fresh air, or more likely, to escape the crowd who was just so very sorry.
She found him with his dress slacks rolled up to the knee, his feet in the pool, lost in thought. She kicked her heels off and sat next to him, pulling her skirt to her knees so that she too could dip her feet in the cool water. She sat quietly next to him, knowing that sometimes silent support meant the most.
After ten minutes had passed he turned to her. "Good thing the pool is heated, otherwise the water would be too cold for this."
"It certainly would be."
"I've been doing a lot of thinking Claire; a lot. This week has been so emotional for me, on so many levels. I never thought that my dad would be gone so soon. Now he is and I have to live knowing that I wasn't the son he wanted, that I wasn't good enough and that I was a constant disappointment. That's the hardest thing in all of this I think."
Claire reached over and laid her hand on his leg. "Matt, you're not a disappointment, at all. Your parents love you, whether they show it or not."
Shaking his head Matt blinked away the tears that he couldn't seem to stop that day. "No, I have been a disappointment to them. I know that they love me but they are far from proud of me."
Not having any words to comfort him Claire scooted closer and wove her fingers through his, leaning her head on his shoulder. He leaned his head over to rest on hers and rubbed his thumb in circles on the palm of her hand.
"Claire, I've been thinking that I don't want to be this disappointing embarrassment for my mom anymore. I don't know that I can change who I am or that it would even matter but I just don't want to someone who she isn't proud of anymore."
Claire raised her head and looked at him. "What are you saying Matt?"
"I don't know, really. I just… I look at mom this week and I see how happy that she is in her belief that I've changed my ways and that smile on her face when she looks at me… Claire it's a smile I've not seen in years. I just have no clue right now. For all the thinking I've been doing it's like I'm a blank slate."
Claire swallowed against a lump that had formed in her throat and said in a whisper, "Matt, whatever you do, whatever you think is best; I will be here beside you supporting you one hundred percent."
"I know you will, and I can't thank you enough for the support that you give me. I don't think I could have made it through this week if it hadn't been for you."
They had been back in Tampa for a week and were back into the swing of things. Matt still insisted on staying with Claire in case anything was to happen with her ex husband. Claire insisted that he really didn't have to. The second Thursday in October Claire finally found a new car and she told Matt that he had no reason to stay any more, she could take care of herself and she had a way to get around again. He reluctantly left her alone in the house, going back to his own apartment.
Friday night Claire went to the FCW arena, filled with worry and with her nerves on edge. She hadn't been back to the arena since discovering her car. She couldn't help constantly looking over her shoulder as she headed into the building. Instinctively she knew that he wasn't there, he was long gone, but she was still on edge. When she got off that night Matt was there waiting on her, ready to walk her to her car and see that she made it safely home.
"Are you hungry? We could go somewhere and get something before you go home."
"Thank you Matt, and actually, yes I am hungry. Why don't we go to the Steak and Shake?"
"I'm right behind you," he said climbing into his car.
Ten minutes later they were being seated and looking at the menus. Once they had ordered and gotten their drinks Matt looked at Claire across the table. "I want you to know that I really do appreciate you going home with me and being there."
"It's no problem at all. I would do it again too. You're my best friend and you're always there for me so it was really the least I could do."
"I don't do things for you to feel that you owe me though Claire. I do it because you're my friend and I love you. I know what you mean though." Taking a sip of his drink he cleared his throat and lowered his eyes to the table. "I'm really thinking that I need to change."
"Matt, what ever you do I will always support you in it. Just know that I love you as you are, however that may be. And…" Claire lowered her voice and continued, "I will stand by you, even if you decide to date or whatever."
Matt took her hand in his just as the food was delivered. "Claire, that won't happen. I couldn't do that to you."
Claire felt the moisture gathering in her eyes and blinked it away. "It's okay Matt, really it is. I've just been thinking a lot about you, and how I feel and I know that it's silly and maybe you were right when you said that I only think we would work because I know you're off limits."
They ate in silence then, and when the check came Matt took it and paid. "Why don't I follow you home, just to be sure you make it without incident?"
Nodding Claire climbed into her new car, which was actually a small truck, and headed toward home. Once they pulled into the drive Matt hopped out of his car, rushing to open her door for her. He then took out his keys, and using the key she had given him let them into the house. After making sure that the house was empty he turned to Claire.
"I know it's late but how about a walk on the beach?"
"Matt, I don't know, maybe it's not the best idea."
Extending his hand for hers he smiled. When he smiled you couldn't help but return the gesture, it was like a bad cold, catching, only so very good. Taking his hand she sighed. "Okay, fine let's go."
Once they were in the sand, faces protected by the darkness of night Matt said, "You haven't been able to look at me straight since we got back here."
"What are you talking about, yes I have!"
"No, you haven't. Really since the day in mom's kitchen when they called about dad," Matt said in a low voice.
At the mention of the accidental kiss Claire felt her face go hot. It had only been a brushing of their lips, a fraction of a second, but in that second her heart had beat like never before. Maybe it was just the rush of a man's lips, a man who had never let hate filled and hurtful words pass through those lips toward her. Whatever the reason for it, she had avoided any situation that could cause a repeat of the accident.
"See you go all silent when I bring it up so I know that you know exactly what I'm talking about."
"Oh I did not go all quiet! I was thinking!"
Matt gave a low laugh. "Claire I didn't mean that bad at all. I just meant that I understood why you felt the way you did. For the first time my stomach didn't turn when my lips touched a female's."
Claire stopped walking, digging her toes into the cold sand. "What do you mean?"
Turning to face her, Matt said, "I mean that in the past when I've pretended to date a girl for my parents benefit it made me sick to my stomach. I always gave it my all; you know a real fair shot, so I've kissed girls before. It just always made me sick the instant that our lips would touch. It didn't do that with you and I'm confused. I think that's what got me thinking that maybe I should try to be who my parent's want me to be."
Claire looked at him trying to figure out where he was going with this. "Matt, please don't do this."
He stepped closer to her, putting his hands on her shoulder. "Claire you're my best friend, I would never do anything to hurt you. Please tell me you know that. I'm not trying to hurt you right now; I'm trying to be honest with you."
"Matt I know that and you're not hurting me. I'm bringing that on all by myself. I can't shake thinking that you're perfect for me. You're exactly what I need to learn to love again. I know that it's not possible and that it won't happen and I know that you love me but that it's only as a friend and I know…"
Matt lips found hers and silenced any other words that were going to come out of them. It was a simple kiss, one that two best friends might share, only that it lasted a minute longer than it should have, and it knocked Claire off her feet.
"Why did you do that?"
"I didn't know how else to make you be quiet. Other than that I really don't know. It felt right at the time, I'm sorry." He spoke in whispers, his forehead resting on hers. As her arms went around his waist he wrapped his around her neck. "Claire, I don't want to ever lose your friendship."
"I don't think that would ever be possible. I couldn't live without your friendship in my life."
Pulling her closer Matt pressed his lips to her forehead. "Good, because I couldn't live without yours either. No one in my life has ever accepted me like you do."
"You know, you don't have to apologize for that kiss. It's okay."
He pulled back and looked at her in the pale glow of the moon. "Yeah," he asked.
"Yeah, as long as you don't make me apologize," she said.
"Apologize for what?"
Without a word Claire pressed her lips to his. She held them there for a minute before she got the nerve to trace his lips with the tip of her tongue. His lips parted in a sigh and she let her tongue meet his. She gave a soft gasp when he returned her kiss. Her hands cupped his face and his arms went to her waist as the kiss deepened.
When she finally pulled away she was breathless and at a loss for any words. She managed to whisper an apology before attempting to pull away. His arms tightened around her waist and he held her close.
"What are you apologizing for?"
"I guess I kinda figured that would turn your stomach. Well, that and I didn't mean for it to go that far."
Matt smiled that smile that suddenly melted her. "Normally I think it would've but it didn't. In fact I think I kind of liked it more than I should."
"I know I enjoyed it more than I should have. I'm sorry Matt." Claire turned to walk back toward her house.
Matt stood watching her go, wondering why he didn't mind her kiss when in all reality he should have. When she was fifteen feet up the beach a loud clap of thunder followed by streaking lightening jarred him from his thoughts. He ran to catch up to her, grabbing her arm and spinning her around to face him.
"Claire, tell me why exactly why you shouldn't like it. Personally I don't know why it is that I didn't mind it, but I just know that I didn't. For me right now knowing that I didn't is enough. Maybe it's because I trust you, because I love you already and know that you're the best friend I could ever have. I don't know, but I know that I didn't mind that back there."
"Matt, it won't work. I mean look at us! Here I am a divorcee who only knows beatings and hate when I should be talking about love. Then you, Matt, you're gay. That isn't exactly an issue for me, but when it comes to a relationship I think there is a tiny problem."
"You talk way too much you know that?"
"I do not; I'm just talking logically and pointing out the facts. We both bring so much to this… this… whatever this is that I don't see how you can possibly…"
His lips were on hers again just as the sky opened up and the rain assaulted the earth. They were both soaked before he pulled his mouth from hers. "You talk too much," he whispered.
"If you say so, I guess I do. You kissed me again."
"It's the only way to shut you up I think."
"What is happening with us Matt?"
Glancing up at the sky he laughed. "Well I would say we are caught in a storm, and we are getting drenched. Beyond that I have no idea, but I see no reason to fight it."
Claire started to protest, but knew that it would fall on deaf ears. Instead she lost herself in the moment and in the pouring rain. She wound her arms around his neck and laced her fingers together. "I guess you're right and if we aren't fighting things then this will be okay." Her lips found his in the pouring rain and she kissed him the way that she had always dreamed of being kissed, but never had until this moment.