betaread by gkmoberg1

Bedroom Hymns by Florence + the Machine

This is as good a place to fall as any

We'll build our alter here

Make me your Maria

I'm already on my knees

You had Jesus on your breath

And I caught him in mine

Sweating our confessions

The undone and the divine

Chapter 20

After an hour or two, Winnow's hearing began to return. She was still deaf in the right ear, and there was a little ringing in her left – but she could hear Cato and Clove if they didn't whisper. "Where's Marvel?" Winnow asked.

The other two shrugged. "He hasn't come back." Cato informed her – putting his arm around Winnow's shoulders and drawing her in closer.

Winnow leaned back against his chest, letting Cato wrap his arms around her. She wondered if he was distressed by Marvel's absence. "Has there been a cannon?" she questioned, and Clove nodded. Winnow let out a sigh. "That doesn't mean he's dead," she reminded them both. "Until we see his portrait in the sky, he's not dead. Don't think of it." Winnow suggested.

"And if we see his portrait in the sky?" Clove wondered. The petite tribute sat opposite them, leaning against the trunk of a tree just as Cato and Winnow did.

"Then we move on." Winnow said simply.

"Where?" Cato spoke up. Winnow let her head loll back on Cato's shoulder, catching his gaze.

"The wheat fields." She answered, making Clove lift an eyebrow. "If we kill Thresh… we have the fields to ourselves. There's food and water – and no one else goes there. Everyone that's left is out here." Winnow explained.

Cato and Clove both nodded. "Before we could take up a venture like that… you need to heal up." Cato said – eliciting a sigh from Winnow. "If you say you're fine one more time, I swear I will thrash you," he added on quickly, silencing the words before they could come out.

"And I'm not going anywhere until we know Marvel's dead or not." Clove remarked.

Winnow and Cato nodded in both agreement and surprise. The thought had never occurred to them – that while they had been busy bonding with each other - that perhaps Clove and Marvel had formed a connection as well.

The three of them sat silently until the sun started to set. As always, darkness fell upon them swiftly and then the Capitol's anthem began to play. Cato's arms tightened around Winnow, and she leaned back more heavily on Cato in return.

The first portrait to appear in the night sky was Marvel's solemn face. Cato inhaled sharply, and Winnow could not see Clove's reaction in the dark. Winnow brushed at her eyes and pressed back towards Cato to offer as well as draw comfort.

As she had expected, it was Chase's portrait that appeared next. For Chase's death, Winnow felt nothing. The first words she had traded with him had been unpleasant – and she had ignored him since.

It was the last portrait that surprised Winnow. The girl from District 11's face appeared in the sky. Rue, Winnow remembered. She thought of Thresh – and how angry he must be now.

"So Marvel killed the little girl from 11," Clove speculated a few minutes after Rue's portrait had faded away, and there was no light left in the arena.

"I wonder who killed Marvel." Cato remarked.

"It's Fire Bitch. Isn't it obvious?" Winnow said quickly – thinking and suddenly putting all the chaos from that day together. "Several fires were set, but you told me no-one was there. It was a set-up for Fire Bitch to come and blow up our supplies. I bet you she was working with Rue, and Marvel found her. He killed Rue, so Fire Bitch killed him." She guessed.

The other two Careers absorb this and nod slowly – Winnow could feel Cato's head bobbing on her shoulder. They were quite – a moment of silence for their lost ally.

"I wonder if I could've killed the girl." Cato wondered out loud. Clove voiced her agreement.

Winnow shrugged. "Of course no-one wants to kill kids – especially ones as young as Rue was. But if it's a choice between me and a kid… I'm choosing me." She remarked, drawing her knees up to her chest.

"It's easy to say you would. That it's no big deal." Clove began. "But what if it had been someone you cared about? Katniss volunteered for her little sister," she added.

Winnow shrugged again, looking up into the starry sky. "It would be different, yeah. But I don't know. I don't know what I would do. I don't have any family anymore. I don't know that I would sacrifice myself for them or anyone else." She answered.

The others said nothing in response – Cato merely tugged her back into his arms. He produced the thermal blanket from his pack and draped it around them. Winnow sighed turned to face him – she could hardly see him in the darkness, but she could feel him around her.

Most of the time, Winnow didn't know how she felt about anything – much less how she felt about someone else. But with Cato, it was simple. Well – as simple as it could be in an arena where they were expected to fight to the death.

Winnow leaned forward and kissed him briefly – before she lay her head on his shoulder and curled closer to him. Unable to prevent himself from returning the affection, Cato brushed his lips across her forehead and squeezed her tighter to him.

With the warm blanket draped over them both, it was not long until Winnow had drifted to sleep – her breaths coming out long and steady. Clove had moved closer when she had curled up to sleep too, laying only a few feet away on her bedroll and with her own blanket – her even breathing just loud enough for Cato to hear.

With the two girls asleep and everything finally quiet, Cato could speculate on his relationships with the two most important women in his life – Winnow and Clove.

Clove was like a sister to him – they had been partnered at the Academy since the first day – when they were no more than seven years old. She was his best friend and he trusted her completely. Cato was sure he knew Clove better than he knew himself. And while he might get angry with her at times, he always came around to her reasoning.

And Winnow… she was precious to him. Cato didn't understand – how or why, not completely. He just knew it would kill him if she died. He was trying not to think about the end of the Games. For all Cato knew – all three of them would die.

Feeling as he did now – Cato didn't think he could enjoy being a Victor. Knowing Winnow and Clove had died for him to get there – and perhaps at his hands – what joy was there to be had? The sudden thought made him cold.

Clove he knew would fight him to the death – they cared about each other, yes, but Clove could survive him. It wouldn't bother her at all. But until it came to that… they were a unit. That had always been their understanding.

Winnow he wasn't so sure about. Cato wasn't sure he could raise his sword against her. All he had thought about these last few days was protecting her, defending her. How could he kill her?

Cato had shared so much of himself with her – and found understanding, even affection returned. He couldn't imagine someone suiting him more. Winnow was flawed, yes – she was ruthless, vicious, but logical. Nothing had thrilled him more than when he had shared his kill of the District 3 girl with her. If he won…he wanted to share it with Winnow.

Now when Cato imagined his life as a Victor – he didn't see the fame, the glory – the easy life he would have ahead. When he imagined his life as a Victor, it was impossible not to see Winnow there. He saw her in his bed, at his side and putzing around their house in either District 2 or District 4's Victor Village.

It was an impossible dream. A pleasant one, yes, but a farce all the same.

The sun was just beginning to rise, filling the arena with a gloomy, overcast light. For the final three Careers, it was enough light to start waking up and getting a meal together. They had decided not to light a fire – it was too risky – and munched on flavorless dehydrated fare. It was sustenance, so they would not complain.

"Attention, tributes-" a voice suddenly came over the intercom, startling the trio. "There has been a change in rules. Two Victors can be crowned – if they come from the same district. This will be the only announcement." With a loud click, the announcement was over.

Cato and Clove looked at each other with wide eyes - excitement growing. Then the smile fell from Cato's lips – and he turned to look at Winnow. She stared at her feet, eyes shut tight.

She had regained full hearing in her left ear, but her right ear was still completely deaf. "Listen, Winnow…" Cato began, pushing off a hand to get to his feet. Clove heaved a sigh and got to her feet, disappearing into the brush to give them some privacy.

"Oh, don't even fucking bother, Cato!" Winnow snapped immediately. "I know what you're going to do." She added, turning her back on him.

"I don't." he said quietly in response.

Winnow finally turned and looked at him – looking angry and confused all at the same time. "I would do it. If Kai was still alive. Why wouldn't you?" she demanded to know.

"You." Cato responded simply.

The dark-haired girl was taken-aback. She took a deep breath before speaking again. "So what, Cato? What are you going to do? Win by yourself? Let Fire-Bitch and Lover-boy win? Ugh, I'd rather fucking die."

"Don't talk like that!" Cato exclaimed, his face reddening the more upset he became. Winnow just shook her head at him.

"Why don't you just do me a favor, Cato, and admit to yourself that there's no way we're walking out of this alive. Together. And you know what, I'm okay with that." Winnow ranted – her voice breaking at the end. She paced back and forth, and raised the back of her hand to wipe at her face.

Cato was pale as he took a few steps closer to her. "What? No, Winnow you're not okay." He told her. "Don't pretend with me, Winnow," he requested.

"I'm not pretending!" she retorted quickly, voice choked and eyes watery.

"God, Winnow. Yeah, this was just all fun and games in the beginning. But now? How can you say that you're okay with that when we both know that it's a lie?" Cato questioned.

"What do you want me to say, Cato?" Winnow asked in response, brushing away a tear with the tip of her finger.

Cato took a moment before he answered. "I want you to tell me that I mean nothing to you." His gaze on her was unwavering. He was open – vulnerable. Every teacher that he had ever had would be ashamed of him.

Winnow returned his stare for a long few moments before she looked away. "You know I can't do that." She responded softly.

"Then tell me I mean everything to you." Cato said boldly. She looked back towards him, unamused.

"Why would I say that when you haven't?" she asked guardedly, lifting her brows.

Cato sighed. "I think I've made it pretty clear." He responded.

"When?"

Cato stepped forward, laying a hand on Winnow's upper arm, squeezing it gently. "Every time I've taken care of you. Every time I've held you and kissed you." He answered.

A little, tentative smile grew on Winnow's lips. "Then say it." She requested.

"You mean everything to me." Cato admitted.

That was it. It was finally out there in the open air. Before, it had been implied – but now he had finally confirmed it verbally. Winnow stared at him for a long moment before her smile grew into a grin. "Would you kill Clove for me?" she asked teasingly.

Cato exhaled angrily, raking a hand through his hair. "You know what, forget it. Everything's a joke to you,"

Winnow chuckled at his temper. "Oh wow, look who's talking," she retorted, catching him by the arm as he tried to turn away from her. She pulled Cato down to her – lips a mere breath away before she initiated a kiss.

After far too short a moment – in Cato's opinion – Winnow pulled away. "You are everything to me." She breathed. A smile curved his lips and he towed her back for another kiss.

And for a few minutes, only the other existed to them both. But far too soon, it was time for them to face reality. "What are we going to do?" Cato asked in a whisper.

Winnow wrapped her arms around his neck, and he wrapped his around her waist in response. "Let's kill the others and then we'll talk," she murmured before shifting forward to kiss him once more.

Thank you all so much for your reviews. I only ask that you keep it up. It makes me smile each time I get a notification.

News for y'all: I just wrote the final chapter of this story. All it needs is to be reviewed by my beta-reader.

Once I've posted that final chapter, I will begin posting Panem et Circuses - a one shot series about what happens between If I Had a Heart and the upcoming sequel Saltwater Sting. I will be posting Panem et Circuses as I outline Saltwater Sting and get a chance to start writing for it.

So keep in mind with the upcoming chapters... Nothing is permanent. While this story is completed and seem quite wrapped up... it isn't.

So please review!