Title: Taking on the World & Focusing on Yourself
Author: Stargirl888
Word Count: About 4700!
Spoilers: None
Pairing: Mainly Santana/Brittany, Side Santana/Rachel.
Rating: M
WARNINGS: Mentions of consensual spanking, DD and the like.
Disclaimer: Not mine, never has been and unfortunately never will be :(
Summary: "I'm just feeling like a balloon that's been filled almost to bursting and I want to be able to let the air out before I really explode but I can't."
A/N: So I have an exam tomorrow and shouldn't have spent the time I did writing this, but I really wanted to get it up. I'm rather proud that it came up to +4700 words! Extra special thanks go out to Stacprit for all her help!
Without further ado...
-0-0-0-0-
Brittany was careful to stay under the speed limit the whole way to Santana's house, though she was itching to apply more pressure to the pedal. Santana was already waiting at the front door when Brittany pulled up at the house and barely got out a greeting as she was pulled into the house. Brittany quickly found herself pressed against the Lopez's passage wall while Santana's lips meshed against hers hungrily.
"San, honey." Brittany stopped her, pushing her back slightly. "I'm really not in the mood right now."
"I could help get you in the mood." Santana hinted suggestively.
"Please, not right now?" Brittany asked and Santana relented with a slight pout.
"So how'd it go?" Santana asked, pulling away and allowing Brittany to stand properly.
"Fine I guess. She apologised for everything." Brittany explained, walking past Santana and into the kitchen. "You guys have ice-cream?"
Santana nodded, watching as Brittany placed the ice-cream tub, cream, a packet of M&M's and the chocolate sauce on the counter, along with two large soup mugs. There was something up; Brittany rarely felt the need to indulge in quite such an array of junk food.
"Don't worry about making one for me." Santana said, not feeling like so much sweetness right then.
"Suit yourself." Brittany shrugged, making her own. Santana waited until Brittany had finished her elaborate creation and taken a seat at the breakfast bar to eat it before trying to bring up Quinn again.
"Britt, what happened?"
"Can you drop it for now; I promise I will tell you; just not yet." Santana bit her lip but murmured her agreement at Brittany's annoyed tone. They were quiet while Santana watched Brittany eat.
"You know you're going to be sick if you eat much more of that." Santana commented after a few minutes of searching for something to say.
"You and Q drink to let off steam, I eat ice-cream." Brittany snapped "just let me have my thing; at least it doesn't potentially endanger anyone."
"Whoa, I was just making a comment, I didn't mean anything by it." Santana defended, a little hurt at Brittany's flippant use of something that was meant to be in the past.
"Yes well maybe you, and everyone else for that matter, should start thinking a little more before speaking or acting. I'm tired of everyone just saying and doing whatever the hell they please without bothering to think more than two seconds ahead."
"B, that's not..." Santana tried to interrupt, though not knowing quite what to say to this unexpected outburst.
"Don't try tell me it's not true," Brittany interrupted her, pushing what was left of her sundae away from her and standing up. "I'm tired of being the only one to actually bother thinking things through. I'm not saying its easy, it would be so much easier to just let go and do whatever the hell I please, but I still do stop myself, so why the hell can't you." Santana could read between the lines enough to know that Brittany's tirade wasn't solely directed at her but it still hurt and put her on the defensive. "You expect.." Brittany cut herself off before she said something she knew she'd regret.
Santana raised an eyebrow dangerously "What is it I expect?"
Brittany just shook her head and picked up her car keys. "I think I'm going to go."
"No, tell me what you were going to say; you obviously want to. What is it I expect?"
Santana had been following Brittany back to the front door as she spoke. Brittany was already half way out when she turned to face her again.
"You expect me to know what to do. You trust me to make sure everything turns out alright, and that's not always within my power."
"I know that." Santana asserted but Brittany was already half way to her car, paying her no heed.
Ignoring Santana's protests, Brittany climbed into her car and quickly began to pull out of the driveway; unable to deal with anything else right then.
Santana watched until Brittany's car turned the corner before heading back inside to try figure out what the hell was going through her girlfriends head.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Santana was changing for bed when she heard a car pull up outside. Knowing her parents wouldn't be back for another couple of days she went over to the window to see Brittany's car in the driveway.
She frowned in confusion and quickly pulled on some sweats before heading downstairs, having not expected to see Brittany again until morning. She was beginning to get concerned when she had made it downstairs and Brittany had still not made an appearance.
Walking outside, Santana could see Brittany's silhouette in the car window, her head leaning on the steering wheel. She tapped on the window, trying unsuccessfully to not startle the blond.
Recognising Santana, Brittany unlocked the doors. Instead of going around to the passenger side, Santana opened the back door behind Brittany and got in, lying back onto the seat and staring up at the roof of the car with her legs hanging over the edge of the seat by the open door
Santana waited, listening as Vanessa Mae's Storm played in the background. It was always a good way to judge how Brittany was feeling by the music she was listening to, and Santana could tell that she was still feeling all over the place from the current tune. So, rather than trying to talk to her, Santana waited, providing silent company as she waited for Brittany to make the next move.
As the song drew to a close Brittany flicked a button on the dash, changing the music to something calmer. Reaching behind her seat, Brittany held out her hand, which Santana took, giving it a supportive squeeze. Silently, Brittany got up, out of the car and Santana sat up. Brittany came around to face Santana and calmly pulled her up to standing so they were both facing each other.
"I'm sorry." Brittany murmured softly, her gaze flicking to meet Santana''s and then away again in shame of her earlier behaviour. Santana nodded and gave Brittany a soft kiss as a gesture of acceptance.
"Can we just go to bed?" Brittany asked after a few seconds. "I'm exhausted, and we can talk properly in the morning when we're both more awake."
"Okay." Santana agreed, though she was disappointed, having hoped that with Brittany now in a calmer mood she might get some answers. Santana could tell though that there was something that Brittany was stopping herself from saying "Is there something else?'
Brittany shook her head, though there was just something in the way she did it that made Santana doubt her.
"B?"
"It's nothing, lets just go to bed." Brittany assured, though not quite truthfully. Not in the mood to fight again that night, Santana dropped it, figuring she'd find out soon enough.
-0-0-0-0-0-
Brittany was in the bathroom brushing her teeth when Santana discovered just what B had been keeping from her. She was moving Brittany's jeans off the bed where the blond had left them when a slip of paper slipped from one of the pockets. Thinking nothing of it, Santana bent to pick it up and return it to its place when she recognised the typing on it. Unfolding the paper her suspicions were confirmed as she read through the details of the speeding ticket in her hand. Just to be sure, Santana triple checked the date and time written in the provided spaces, confirming they were indeed from earlier that night; frowning when she read the speed her girlfriend had been driving at.
"Britt?"
Brittany felt an odd sense of relief when she heard her girlfriends tone, knowing that she must have found the ticket. Quickly spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing, she went through to the bedroom.
Santana was standing at the end of the bed quietly seething while still holding the ticket, waiting. She held up the ticket when Brittany entered.
"Were you going to tell me?" Santana asked bluntly. She suspected she already knew the answer but she wanted to give Brittany the benefit of the doubt. Unable to lie outright when her girlfriend was looking at her like that, Brittany silently shook her head.
"Right, keys." Santana held out her hand, waiting impatiently while Brittany went to rummage in her bag in the corner of the room, eventually pulling out the required item and handing it over.
Santana looked through the bundle, finding the ignition key and removing it, placing it on her dressing table and handing the rest back to Brittany.
"Not that I don't trust you or anything." It was a cruel jibe and Santana knew it the second she said it. She grimaced apologetically but Brittany waved it off, feeling it was deserved. Santana began to flick on the bedside lights while Brittany wondered what she was doing; having expected to be ordered over the latina's lap next.
Turning off the main light, Santana climbed into bed.
"Are you not...?" Brittany asked tentatively, feeling oddly let down but also angry that she wasn't going to be spanked.
"I'm not going to punish you tonight." Santana explained "There's more going on here than just you speeding and I need some time to think about it. So come get into bed."
Santana flicked off the lights once Brittany was under the covers.
"I don't appreciate being manipulated into things, and this feels manipulative to me." Santana observed softly after a few moments, feeling Brittany go rigid beside her. "You said earlier that I don't think before acting, well now I am, and while you may not have been planning on coming to me and confessing about the ticket, I don't for one second believe that you didn't intend for me to find out. Rather than just going home or storing the ticket in your glove compartment so I wouldn't find out, you came to my house, and left the ticket in your pocket in jeans which you left on the bed when you normally place them over the chair so I would need to move them."
"I couldn't...I couldn't bring myself to tell you."
"Really?" Santana asked. "Couldn't bring yourself to tell me of the ticket, or couldn't bring yourself to tell me something else entirely?"
Falling silent Brittany pondered the latina's words. They had been quiet long enough for Brittany to think she had fallen asleep when Santana surprised her by speaking again.
"I know you B, I just wish you could find a way to tell me what's really going on."
-0-0—0-0-0—0-0-
When Santana woke up it was to find the bed beside her empty, though this wasn't unusual since Brittany was normally up before her. What was odd was that Brittany wasn't in the room at all. Wandering downstairs Santana found Brittany sitting at the breakfast bar busy on her laptop.
"You know you're meant to ask permission before using someone else's things." Santana teased lightly, coming up behind her and placing her hands on the blonds shoulders, trying to start things off on a lighter note, knowing the serious stuff would come all too soon.
Brittany rolled her eyes without looking around. "You're also meant to ask before going down on someone while they're asleep but that's never stopped you."
"You like it." Santana whispered in her ear teasingly, nipping her lobe cheekily and pulling back when Brittany tried to shrug her away.
"Do you want coffee?" Santana asked, going around the island to make herself some, all playfulness gone from her voice since Brittany clearly wasn't in the mood.
Brittany shook her head no, and typed a few more words before shutting the machine in front of her and turning her attention to her girlfriend, waiting silently for her to finish making coffee. When she was done Santana leant against the counter, waiting for Brittany to make the first move.
Brittany fiddled with her fingers anxiously. "Just because I believe in putting things out in the open and talking about them doesn't mean I always find it easy." She finally admitted. Santana nodded for her to go on. "I've just been feeling really put upon lately, like I'm the one who has to hold everything together and I got tired of it, leading to everything exploding out last night. And I was planning to just drive and try centre myself and I was in Meadowridge, and you know how they always trap around there..."
"So do you. Was it intentional?"
Brittany shrugged and Santana raised an eyebrow warningly.
"Sort of. I was above the speed limit anyway but I didn't slow down even though I knew they normally trap for speeding around there."
"And were you thinking that you were being reckless and didn't really care about the consequences or where you thinking of what would happen when I found out?" Santana asked, wanting to test out a theory that had occurred to her the previous evening.
"The latter." Brittany admitted, unable to meet Santana's gaze. Putting her mug down on the island, Santana went to sit beside her, taking Brittany's hands in her own and coaxing her to look up.
"Hey, I'm the one person you don't have to feel embarrassed to admit that to."
"That may be true, but I still am." Brittany shrugged with a small smile at her own emotions. "I'm just feeling like a balloon that's been filled almost to bursting and I want to be able to let the air out before I really explode but I can't bring myself to do it."
"And you hoped the consequences to last night would lead to you being able to do that?" Brittany nodded. "Well I wish that you had just told me how you were feeling rather than letting it build and endangering yourself." Santana felt like she couldn't really say too much on her girlfriends methods though since she was fairly certain she'd done something similar in the past, albeit less consciously.
Their conversation was interrupted when they were both startled by Santana's phone starting to ring.
Santana sent Brittany an apologetic look, before checking the caller ID and answering the device.
"I got in!" Santana winced as she pulled the phone away from her ear at Rachels excited squeal, mouthing who it was to Brittany, who could also hear Rachel's voice from where she sat. "I got in, I got in, I got in!"
The latina couldn't help but smile at her girlfriends exuberance; she didn't even have to ask what Rachel was talking about as her girlfriend had been stressing for weeks waiting for the acceptance letter she had obviously just received.
"That's fantastic," Santana congratulated, "but I'm going to need my hearing when I come to all your performances so can you try not to deafen me over the phone."
"Sorry," Rachel apologised at a more normal volume. "but I got in!"
"Congratulations. I told you that you had nothing to worry about with that audition."
"Yes I know, but I couldn't help it. Are you free for lunch? I want to celebrate and I have something important to tell you."
"Oh, umm, I'm not sure Rach," Santana said hesitantly "B's here and we need to work through some stuff today."
"Oh," Santana could practically hear Rachel pouting on the other end.
"You can do a late lunch or early dinner if you want." Brittany suggested quietly.
"You sure?" Santana asked, holding her hand over the microphone.
"Us won't take all day and Rachel deserves to celebrate." Brittany assured, having also guessed the reason for Rachel's excitement. She would have preferred if she could have had Santana to herself today but she knew if she were Rachel she would have wanted to celebrate with Santana.
"Rach," Santana turned her attention back to her other girlfriend "B doesn't think we're going to take all day so I should be able to do a late lunch?"
"Okay, that works. I don't really have any plans on today so just text me whenever. Tell Britt she's also invited...the thing I want to tell you will affect both of you."
"Okay," Santana agreed, wondering nervously what it could be; although it didn't sound like it was something bad. Offering a final congratulations, Santana hung up.
"Rachel got into Tisch?" Brittany asked once Santana had put down the phone.
"Yes, she's invited you to come out with us, says she has something to tell both of us."
"Not bad I hope."
"It didn't sound like it."
They fell silent for a moment, contemplating their interrupted conversation before Santana spoke again.
"I'm still angry and disappointed that you were speeding, and that you chose such a dangerous way to get my attention."
"It wasn't planned," Brittany muttered, relenting under Santana's gaze "but you're right."
"You know I really wish you had just said something rather than putting me in such an awkward position."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that yesterday you effectively tried to get me to spank you, and if I do it now I'm going to feel like I'm giving in to that; and because you want the spanking it would be the opposite of a punishment which should be something you don't want; and the focus of the spanking wouldn't be on speeding anyway. However, the speeding was a really serious thing, one you've been punished for in the past so it has to have a serious consequence. Then there's the idea of spanking you but not as a punishment...It's just such a fucking mess."
Santana looked at Brittany as though asking her for the solution and Brittany bit her cheek irritably to stop herself snapping that this whole looking to her for answers is where the problems came in in the first place...right now, in this situation, it was Santana's job to come up with the solution, not rely on her to do it.
Santana seemed to realise what she was doing and looked away, deep in thought.
"Ok, so here's what we're going to do. I'm not going to spank you for the speeding ticket, but you are not getting away with it either. Quite honestly B, it scares me that you would behave so recklessly rather than talk to me, no matter how hard it was to bring up. You should know by now why speeding is so dangerous but since you apparently don't, the first part of your punishment is a 5000 word project on the subject, including statistics, photo's, the whole nine yards. The second is obviously driving will be limited to only when it's absolutely essential for the next three weeks, since it's not viable to take away the use of the car completely, but to ensure that you remember no to speed while you are behind the wheel, you will be putting on some capsaicin cream each time," Brittany cringed. San had never prescribed capsaicin cream as a punishment before though the latina had experienced it once or twice; and as such Brittany had tested it before hand and had a small idea of how painful it was herself. "Finally we'll round off your punishment with a spanking at the end of the three weeks when the restriction is lifted. Hopefully after that we will never have to deal with you receiving another speeding ticket again."
Santana felt a bit bad as she pronounced the sentence; but she never wanted Brittany to so much as think of speeding again, particularly not to gain something from it. She would not loose Brittany to a car crash caused by her own reckless driving if she could help it.
"I don't want to lose you, particularly not over something that was caused by something as silly as speeding. Do you agree to that?" Santana checked, and Brittany nodded dejectedly "Good, we can stop past the drug store on the way to the restaurant. Now I'd like to talk about this whole 'balloon about to burst' thing." Santana softened her tone as the scolding was over and Brittany's lips quirked in amusement at Santana's reference. "Do you really think that a spanking would help?"
"I don't know." Brittany replied honestly. "I just feel like I need to let everything out, and I can't seem to bring myself to do that on my own. But you know how like, everything comes to the surface and is released during a serious punishment? I need that feeling." Brittany tried to read Santana's expression but couldn't.
"What exactly would you want me to do?"
"Just...do what you normally do." Brittany replied, having not actually given much thought to the particulars.
"I suppose we can try it, if it's what you think you need." Santana said hesitantly. She hated spanking Brittany, and she wasn't sure how she would feel doing it for something other than punishment, but if it was something Brittany thought she needed, she decided she could do it for her.
"Really?" Brittany asked, taken aback by how easily Santana had agreed. Santana nodded and Brittany felt a mixture of relief and gratitude towards her girlfriend.
"Do you want to do it now?"
"I don't see any reason to wait." Brittany shrugged as her stomach started to twist nervously.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Santana was holding Brittany tightly as she thought over the last hour while the blond cried into her chest, lying half on top of her on Santana's king sized bed as she recovered. It had felt different to how it had in the past, but Santana supposed that was natural. She still wasn't certain that this had been a good idea, and while her head told her that Brittanys tears were cathartic, her heart was still twisting in anguish for her. She wondered briefly if there was something else Britt could do to experience the catharsis that would not result in her being unable to sit comfortably for the next few days.
"Do you think you're taking on too much?" Santana asked softly once the blond had quieted. Brittany made an unintelligible sound to prompt her girlfriend to explain. "It's just, you're effectively trying to be not only my conscience but Quinn and Rachels too, do you not think it's a bit much to take on? That's not even considering your role in Stacy's life and all the mundane things going on in your own like school, finals, student council."
"Normally, I really don't mind. But I'm not trying to be anyones conscience." Santana made a disbelieving sound "Well not on purpose." Brittany amended "I just...I feel like I have to always be the responsible one."
"You don't though." Santana argued gently "The world won't fall apart if you let go a bit."
"It feels like it will though." Brittany countered, snuggling into Santana more as she admitted this.
"It won't." Santana confirmed again, softly placing a kiss on Brittany head. "Look, we're meant to be partners in this relationship, which means that we should both be leaning on each other, that hasn't been happening; and you're not the only one to blame for that. There's been a lot going on, particularly since this school year started, and I've been forgetting about you and us in the process."
"You haven't though; if anything we date, and do more couple type things since you started up with Rachel, because we now have scheduled date nights. And you're always good about splitting your time equally." Brittany shifted off Santana and onto her side so she could face her properly.
"I know," Santana agreed, mimicking her so they were both laying on their sides, heads propped up on their arms. "but I haven't been focussed on it. I should have noticed that things were getting too much for you." Brittany tried to protest but Santana stopped her. "A year or two ago I would have noticed, but I didn't. I should have been supporting you but I wasn't. I took our relationship for granted and that you would make sure everything was fine with us, when that was as much my responsibility as yours. I took it for granted that you would look after Quinn and help her put herself back together, justifying that she wouldn't accept my help because she blamed me for her relationship crumbling but as her friend I shouldn't have let that stop me from being there for her. I've just assumed you always knew what you were doing and that wasn't fair, especially when I know you didn't."
"I still should have spoken to you though. I shouldn't have tried to hide it all." Brittany fiddled with Santana's fingers that were on the mattress between them . She gazed at them for a moment before meeting Santana's eyes again. "Fresh start?"
"Fresh start." Santana agreed and they shared a kiss. Santana's fingers lightly disengaging from Brittany's to run playfully over her hip. Knowing what Santana wanted and that the only reason S hadn't rolled on top of her was she was trying to be mindful of her damaged backside, Brittany shifted closer, entangling their legs and bringing her thigh up to press against her girlfriends centre and feeling Santana immediately begin to rock against her. Santana began to work on a love bite on Brittany's neck while her hand ran its way done her pale, toned stomach. Sliding through soft folds, Santana drew a little moisture up to Brittany's clit, circling and teasing it, while Brittany's own fingers found their way to the waistband of Santana's pyjama pants which she was still wearing from when she woke up. Deftly undoing the string, Brittany slipped her hand inside. Sensing Brittany was ready, Santana slipped two fingers into her soft centre, slowly sliding them in, and letting out a surprised gasp when Brittany did the same for her. They began rocking slowly together, feeling and enjoying the connection of both being inside each other at the same time. This wasn't just a means to an ends, it was about reconnecting, so when they did slip over the edge, it certainly wasn't the most earth-shattering orgasm either had ever experienced, but it was perfect in each of their minds.
Sinking into the following calm they both relaxed against each other.
"So," Santana asked once she had recovered and was feeling more energised. "Did the spanking actually help?"
"Yeah, I do feel better."
"And that wasn't..." Santana made a waving gesture that she knew Brittany would read as referring to the sex.
"No," Brittany replied, rolling her eyes and sort of rolling off the bed into standing to avoid sitting on her still sore derriere. "Though that also made me feel better in a different way."
She offered Santana a hand, pulling her up off the bed and leading her to the bathroom where they took a shower to clean off.
-0-0-0-0-0-
"You know, I was thinking about Quinn," Santana commented as they began to get dressed and she sent off a text to Rachel to tell her they could meet her in an hour.
"Mmm?" Brittany's reply was muffled by the top she was pulling over her head.
"I think it might be a good idea to suggest she talk to someone." Santana suggested cautiously, knowing Britt didn't put much stock by psychologists and the like.
"Talk to someone?" Brittany repeated.
"It's just, it may help her to have someone to talk to who isn't actually involved in everything that's going on in her life; an outside opinion. And you know the baggage she still carries around from her father, she needs to start dealing with that too if she's going to move on."
"I don't know, S. I mean can you really see Quinn opening up to someone."
"It can't hurt." Santana shrugged "and I don't want her to land up doing something really stupid and we sit here blaming ourselves for not doing everything we could for her. Plus we were just saying you've got a lot on your plate, maybe this will help ease up the pressure on you."
"You're surprisingly pro therapy for someone who likes to not talk about things." Brittany observed.
"Just because I don't like to talk doesn't mean I think one shouldn't talk. For someone who's all about talking you're rather anti-therapy."
"I just don't see why people need someone with a degree to give them the same advice any practically minded person would give."
"Well not everyone is lucky enough to have you as a practically minded friend, and while Quinn is, I still think that it would help her. Would you at least be supportive of the idea if I talk to her about it?"
"I can do that." Brittany agreed and Santana paused in her applying of her make up to lean over and give her a quick kiss in gratitude.
-0-0-0-0-0-0-
Alright, lots happening in this chapter. For anyone who doesn't know what Capsaicin cream is it's normally used to treat arthritis but it's main ingredient is Chilli pepper which causes it to have an irritating burning effect and can be used as a 'silent spanking' method (google Capsaicin cream punishment for further info). I'll admit I put a bit more of myself into this chapter with Brittany than I normally do (which is weird because she's the character I probably identify with least), but anyway *shrugs*.
Please leave me a review and let me know what you thought!