Spring Winds.
A/N: Shows mostly the interaction of father/daughter and Sakura's thoughts in general. I tried my best to incorporate the thoughts and feelings of a depressed and angry teenager, not sure how I did but I tried. Not too exciting of a chapter I'd say but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. :) Also may or may not have photoshopped a girl I think suits Sakura into a picture of Hibari and Yamamoto for the cover photo uhm... I do not own any of the images LOL.
CHAPTER 11
His exhausted demeanor was backed up by the unkempt blonde hair and the dark circles under his tired blue eyes, protected by those rectangular glasses he always wore. He stared straight into my light brown eyes and I shifted uncomfortably under his serious gaze.
"We need to talk about something." His smile faded away from his face. Well this certainly can't be anything good. "You're not going to school next week or well, at all."
My eyes widened, I was appalled by his words. "W-What? Why?" I stood up quickly, the chair dragged against the floor in a cacophonous screech and to me it sounded the same as the words my father just dished out at me.
"You're going to be home schooled from now on."
"What?!" I paced behind him in frustration. "Dad, what do you mean?" I asked weakly.
"I'm sorry, honey. But I can't give you any more time,"
"But!" I tried to protest but I wasn't even sure what to say. I already knew it was coming. "Just one day, please. It's all I'm asking you."
"Affection is a really dangerous emotion. You are my daughter and I love you but I can't trust you to give you another day." He looked away sadly and his words stung me like a slap. He can't trust me?
"Dad," I was on the verge of tearing up. "I won't do anything reckless like ...give them the house address or something. So let me just spend one more day with them. At least let me..."
"I'm sorry, Sakura. You got to spend this day with them. Everything that I'm doing is for your own good. You'll understand in the future." I'll understand? How come he won't?
I felt my blood start to boil and I willed my hand to stop shaking. "...My own good? This is only for you! You are so SELFISH." I glared furiously.
"You're not looking at the bigger picture, the bigger issue. People who are in love do crazy things." What is he even talking about? The bigger issue is that if I were to continue making friends, I'd be putting his research at risk. That was terrible selfishness.
"I'm not in love, I'm not even entirely sure what that would be like. And what do you know? The only thing you love is your research," I gritted my teeth. I had never been so disrespectful to my father but this is the one time I cannot forgive him, cannot let it pass. I saw his eyes flash with anger but also with sorrow. I took back what I said but I wasn't going to tell him that. He needs to understand how much this was affecting me.
He opened his mouth to speak but instead he just turned the other way and walked out with a slam of the door. My vision started to blur with the overflowing tears and I sank down onto the ground in a crying heap.
"Make sure you guard this door 24/7" he commanded the guards before the footsteps faded away into the corridor. I slumped to the ground and held my heads in my hands. The tears started to overflow and I could hear the hiccups in my voice.
I cried. I pounded the floor.
I couldn't breathe.
I grabbed anything near me. I flung it to the wall.
I broke things. I broke it along with my heart.
I cried.
I was exhausted.
Tired.
Hurt.
I had calmed down as much as an angry teenage girl could amount to at a depressing stage such as this, which isn't much. But my tears had run dry, I was now staring up at the canopy of my bed, dangling the bracelet Takeshi had given down in front of my face like some form of torture. It was as cruel as dangling a piece of steak in front of a starving child.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
Who was ever dumb enough to underestimate internal suffering? I had lost my appetite to eat or maybe even live, my will to do anything. What was the point even? My father's mind could not be changed nor will his personality. Even if I managed to transfer to another school, I would have to move yet again. What good was it to spend the rest of my life in a fruitless cage, protected but incapable of knowing the meaning of happiness?
Was I the one who was at fault? Perhaps I was. I was at fault for hurting myself. If I had just ignorantly followed my father's wishes, I would have never been suffering. I should've just continued shutting myself up, avoid all contact with people, stole away my heart somewhere far off. The images of the people I almost regretted calling friends flashed through my head.
But what was the point? What good was a world if you never experienced pain, what gains would you have ever received worthwhile?
Ah, the side effect of being lonely. Talking to yourself, much worse, I was arguing with myself. I was going crazy. Crazy regardless of the fact that I was talking to myself. Crazy from stress, anger, frustration, depression, and maybe just crazy deep down, all along.
No.
No, I'm not at wrong here. I sat up. I'm not to blame. What parent in their right mind deprives their child of social interaction?
But it was for his own good. I love my dad. But he's being ridiculous. Who's to say that me making friends would lead to his demise?
No, I need to stop. I can't just give up here. Why was I even crying for hours? What would that have solved? I got out of my bed and walked over to my school bag, rummaging for paper that I could write a letter on. That was when my hand touched something rectangular and familiar.
I cursed myself for being stupid. I had wasted precious time, so many precious hours spent on worthless tears. But there was only one person I could reach. For only one reason that I had also cursed at myself for previously this week.
I had turned the thought over and over in my head until it hurt. To be honest, it had only been maybe five minutes. It was five minutes that I'm losing and I decided to hell with it. What did I have to lose? I disgustingly laughed at my own misery.
I pressed it against my ear, every ring for every moment I held my breath. I have to before it was too late. There was only one person. Him.
Ah.
A yawn came from the other side of the phone.
"Do you know how late it is?"
…..But did I mind?
"For waking me up."
I heard a sigh. "I'm really going to bite you to death."
….No, I suppose I don't.
I smiled at his repetitive words despite all the tears that started to stream down my face. He had given me his number in case for some 'you-better-hope-it-would-never-happen' reason that I couldn't make it. Well here it is, I never hoped it had happen with all my might, but it happened nonetheless.
"For waking me up. For not showing up. And now, for not answering."
"Hi-...Hibari…" I managed to whisper. I sniffled lightly and wiped my eyes in which I swore had run dry but it didn't stop the persistent tears. I almost hated the weakness in my voice, weakness I knew he looked down upon. It seems that the sound of his voice stirred up a lot more than I had time to calculate. No matter how much I rehearsed this conversation in my mind during the last five minutes or so, I had no idea what to say now.
"...You better have a good explanation on why you didn't show up."
"I can't… Not anymore…" I sniffled again, holding in my remaining tears.
He didn't speak for an agonizing moment while my pitiful sniffles rose every now and then. "You herbivores are so noisy with your constant crying. Are you hurt? ...Because if Namimori students-"
"No," I smiled weakly as I wiped away the tears again.
"...Where are you?"
"Home."
"So you're transferring? To what school? If you betray Nami-" Give it a rest, Hibari.
"I don't know."
The silence weighed down heavily but I didn't want to hang up. Every second was possibly every last one that I was going to get. I wondered what he was doing, what he looked like, what he was thinking. What is there to say? You're wasting time.
"I think I miss you," I whispered in the spur of the moment. I suppose I'll say the truth. Silence.
"You know, your lame death threats. The same old catch phrase. The scowl that's going to become permanent if you keep it up," I added with a smirk. Too bad he couldn't see it. Although I, myself, was disappointed for not being able to see his reaction either.
I heard a snicker. "You have a death wish."
"You won't be able to fulfill it," my smirk had vanquished. Before, that phrase would've sounded confident and taunting but now it seems...sad.
"..."
"I mean-"
"I'll find you."
My heart throbbed and ached at his words despite the conversation before it. Because those three words were something that I desperately wanted to believe and wished I was ignorant enough to cling onto. But somewhere deep down for a change, that phrase didn't entirely register as a lie to me.
"Okay," I whispered and smiled despite that my tears had returned. It was the only thing I knew how to say. I wasn't sure of what I was feeling, what I wanted to feel.
"Sakura." I jumped at the voice.
"Dad?! When did you-" He snatched the phone from me and I stood there, shocked and frozen. The call. I haven't hung up.
"Who are you talking on the phone to?" His eyes narrowed. "Your boyfriend? The person you're in love with?"
"N-No," my eyes widened in disbelief, I was taken back by his outward behavior.
"Did you honestly think I didn't see the expression you made while talking to him? Sakura, and you're telling me you don't know what love is?" He frowned and shook his head.
"I don't. Because that's not it. Please give me back my phone," I held out my hand in shallow expectancy.
"The reason why you're so desperately hung up over this school? The reason you're shutting yourself up and getting yourself sick? Refusing to eat? Crying for hours? Is he why?"
"I said no. Give me that back," I glared, my tone dangerously shaky.
"That one time you spent hours practicing how to make food-"
"Stop it, father," I warned.
He looked at the phone screen. "Hibari, huh?" He put it up to his ear and I watched helplessly as he spoke into the phone. The call was still going?
"Father-" What is he going to say?
"I don't know what relationship you have with my daughter. But you better give up all hopes of ever seeing her again," and he hung up.
"Why did you do that?" I let myself fall back against my bed.
"I can't have you lingering onto the past."
"It's all I have now."
"No, it's all you're willing to hold onto." He walked out with my phone, my only connection to the outside world.
I slumped onto the bed frame, helpless and defeated. Hibari.
I started to wonder what he thought, after all that he heard. Then again, why does it matter?
I closed my eyes and let my mind roam to where it shall.
I was falling down a very deep cliff, the ground was no where in sight.
It was probably the last time I got to talk to him, the last person I got to talk to. What did we even talk about?
It was dark. I was falling endlessly. There might be a ground but I'd hit it hard. I'd be too broken to ever get up again.
"I'll find you."
Ah. Something caught me, held me up. It was a tiny, weak little branch. It had managed to snag me. Hibari.
For once, I dared to put hope into those words. It was Hibari after all. What could Hibari not be able to accomplish? Those words sounded familiar. Someone else had said the same thing to me. Ah, Takeshi. "I'll find you no matter what."
No.
Foolish.
I won't wait on words and I won't wait on anyone else.
I'll climb up these walls myself. The branch gave me hope, reminded me that there was a way. I will find it and I won't fall, at least without a fight. I'll climb till I at least see light because it is all I need, no matter how long it'll take me to scale up this seemingly hopeless obstacle.
"Tsuna?"
"S-sorry...But w-who are you again?"
"Sakura, you don't remember?"
"Ah...N-no… Sorry.."
...
"Takeshi!"
"Ah! It's… It's… Sorry, sorry. You look sort of familiar though."
...
"Hibari."
"Who are you? It doesn't matter. You'll be bitten to death for trespassing."
...
"Kyoko-chan, Haru-chan!"
"Sakura-chan!" they exclaimed.
"You remember me?"
"Yes of course. No one can forget you." Kyoko answered.
"Not after you left us." Haru glared.
"No one can forgive that." Kyoko smiled crookedly.
I jolted up in shock. I was sweating, my hands were gripping the blanket so hard that my knuckles were white. I winced just looking at my window where the warm sunlight was seeping through. I felt so completely swallowed in darkness that the small ray of light was blinding. I threw the blanket over my head and tortured myself with the replays of my distant memories until I had enough. Didn't I find a resolve after all?
I heard a light knock on my door but I did not answer. Nonetheless, the door opened. My father strolled into the room and over to my bedside. I felt the bed cave in a bit as he sat down.
"How are you doing?" He asked despite the obvious. I did not answer.
"You have to understand," he placed his hand gently on my side, still covered by the blanket. I felt a prick from rage and I tossed the blanket over. It was amazing how one can become furious in an instant.
"Understand? What is there to understand?" I gritted my teeth. "You took away my friends. No, you took ME away from my friends."
"And you know why I did that."
"No, NO I don't. I'm SUFFERING," I emphasized loudly.
"Only because you believe that you need them."
I was absolutely shocked at my own father, shocked at the blind eye he's turning away from my sorrow. "You know what I don't get? I don't get how YOU don't understand. How could you…" My voice broke and tears were threatening to spill out of my eyes. "They made me happy," I managed to wring out.
"Isn't that the problem?" His eyes narrowed.
"What?"
"Just listen to yourself. You're already so dependent on them."
"What… What in the WORLD is wrong with that?" My voice rose and I clenched my fists.
"You can't trust them. They'll leave you eventually, they'll hurt you."
"No, they won't."
"You don't know that," he pushed up his glasses.
"You never gave me the chance to find out!"
"Because I know. Getting attached makes you vulnerable."
"Oh. Is that why you don't give a crap about me?"
He looked taken back as if I just smacked him. "These three months. You think it was because I just forgot to have you transfer?" He shook his head, mumbled to himself in Italian, and walked out without looking back.
"As if three months are a blessing." I almost regretted everything I said to him. The roof that he put over my head, raising me up, the food that I'm being fed, the things he bought me. As if forgiveness came from wooden ponies of childhood or cheesecake bribes. As if understanding paralleled trust and unconditional love for family. Well I did regret it nonetheless, but this won't change my mind. Sorry, father. Not this time.
What time is it again?
What day was it even?
Has it even been a day?
It's so dark. Everything feels so pointless.
I gave some thought into the matter I had discussed with Takeshi. I kind of did. Amidst all of the trouble, there was almost no point thinking about such things now. All I know was that I'm glad that I didn't promise him anything I could've give him.
I played around with the bracelet on my wrist. Turning it around along with my thoughts.
I can't imagine nor did I want to imagine the hurt on his face or the reaction he would have once he figured that I had transferred schools. I was careless and I expected it to be prolonged for awhile more. I didn't know my birthday was the last day I got to spend with him, with everyone.
"I know the risk of you moving but I don't care. I want to be with you no matter what."
What happened if I let him have what he wanted? Would we even find a way to see each other? Probably not.
"Why don't you want to try?"
I dug my nails into my pillows as I gripped it, throwing it over my head in frustration.
This is why, Takeshi.
I didn't understand my own anger, why I was angry at him for being ignorant. It wasn't his fault. Perhaps I was just angry at everything or maybe I was bitter at the other words he spoke against me.
"You're making this difficult for yourself."
I really wasn't. I wished none of this had to be difficult. He didn't understand. He will now.
I felt bad for him, the way I couldn't give thought to what he wanted. To maybe what I wanted. How should I know? I'm not allowed to know. Such feelings were detrimental to me. Isn't it, father?
I wondered if I had a choice in another world, what would be the outcome. But it didn't matter thinking about something that I couldn't have.
Thinking about Takeshi, his kindness. Our friendship. His desire for a relationship with me. It cut me like a blade.
I didn't want to think about it anymore.
What was the point?
"I'll take it from here, thanks," the scientist took the food from the maid and excused her. She bowed before leaving while he walked towards me.
"What are you doing?"
I finished scribbling the last of my sentence and slammed my pen down in annoyance. "Writing letters that will never get read," I smirked.
"Eat." He shoved the tray at me as he took a seat next to me. Very persuasive.
"No."
"You haven't eaten anything for over two days now." The funny thing about being hungry is that after awhile, you just get used to starving I suppose and it just goes away.
"Your point?"
"This kind of reaction, you've never done this before. Reflect on yourself." He gestured around before speaking, "THIS room is the reason why I can't give you any more time, not even a day." He sighed exasperatedly. "Please, just eat something."
"I don't feel like it," I glanced away.
"If you behave, I'll consider letting you have a five minute monitored phone conversation."
No. I felt my fingers twitch, whether in interest or in irritation. "You're going to dangle that in front of me?"
"What other motivation do you have left?"
"Can't you go wallow in your victory somewhere else?" I narrowed my eyes.
"Ridiculously ungrateful," he shook his head. "You think I like doing this to you?" his voice dropped a level.
"It doesn't matter what I think, does it?"
"When have you become so disrespectful?" He bolted up, the chair falling behind him causing a loud crash against the tiles.
"When you stopped deserving my respect." The sting accompanied by the noise of a slap woke me up. I smirked despite the action my father has just decided to take against me. He had never hit me before. It was fine with me. It made me remember I was alive. I stood up.
His eyes widened from shock, either from the slap or from the way I reacted. He whipped around and made a beeline toward the door, slamming it shut.
At least he'll leave me alone for awhile now.
I walked over to my closet and started on my new project.
...
My feet landed softly on the padded grass. Straining my neck to get a view of my window, I gave a strong tug to the rope made out of tied bed sheets and blankets. Oldest trick in the book but effective. Sorry, dad.
I wasn't rapunzel, and I wasn't waiting to get rescued.
I was traveling light, the only thing I carried in my bags were the letters I wrote individually for everyone. I knew I didn't have time to visit everyone and explain everything. I will be caught soon and the only place I have time to make it to was Namimori Middle School.
I turned every corner with care, making sure to quickly duck my head out to scan my surroundings before moving out. I could not possibly make it out of the front entrance which means…
I ran barefooted, it was bad but it made the less noise. I carried slippers inside my bag for later but it cannot be used now. I made a beeline into the small forest which surrounds my house. My foot hurt for every rock that I stepped on, stabbing into my skin. I winced as the pain shot up but I didn't have time to care. The dirt was cold, the evening was starting to transition into the cooler nighttime air. I ran as fast as I could, dodging the trees as they come by. I shoved branches out of my way, ducked under them, jumped over logs. However, one careless act scratched my right arm and got caught on the sleeve of my black long sleeve. Annoyed and frustrated, I continued running, causing a tear in it. I was getting closer, I could tell, I could see the gray stoned wall ahead. There didn't seem to be any guards either.
I was so caught up in seeing the gate that I missed a root of a large tree, snagging my foot and causing me to fall onto the hard ground. I groaned and got up, not caring to dust myself off.
I walked a few careful steps until I heard a foot step approaching me. I glanced to the right, where the sound was coming from. I found a guard probably on watch duty. My hand went to my pockets, I didn't want to resort to having to hurt anyone. I swiftly hid behind a tree and waited for him to pass me by. When he did, I deftly threw out one of my sharp silver needles into a point in his neck, causing him to fall onto the ground. I didn't kill him or anything, I merely put him unconscious.
After clearing the obstacle, I ran up to the stone wall and started scaling it. It was easy because my father didn't want the fence to look too suspicious because that would only arouse curiosity. I looked back at the mansion that I almost wished I never had to come back to. Well if it makes it any better for my dad, at least I ate. Only because I'll need it.
I landed on the other side, sharp pain jolted up my body when my feet made harsh contact with the ground. I placed on my slippers, brushed off the dirt from my clothes, and adjusted my hair to the best of my abilities, pulling out the leaves. I ran up to the side of the road in order to pull up a taxi.
Luckily, one came right away and I got in swiftly. "Where to, miss?" The driver asked, not minding the battered state I was in.
"Namimori Middle School, please." I smiled. I caught a reflection of myself in the rear view mirror, I was in bad shape. My hair was still disheveled, clothes was slightly torn and dirty nonetheless. My lip was bleeding from when I unintentionally bit it earlier. I looked unnaturally pale and my light brown eyes were weary from restless sleep.
I spent my time looking out the window at the almost setting sun, the background sky was painted in orange and yellow hues. I was marveling in the new perception of this town, my last glimpse of freedom for what is probably a really long time. Aside from that, I started to imagine the reactions of my friends upon reading the letters that I clutched in my hands.
"We're here," the taxi driver announced. I nodded and paid him before getting off on unsteady legs.
I numbly walked over to the entrance, hand brushing against the cool metal gate. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I strolled inside the building, taking note of the surroundings for one last time. The building, the windows, the trees, the ground even. I took off my sandals when I entered the building, my feet was softly padding against the wood. I made my way over to the lockers, I started to memorize everyone's.
I fought the tears that were trying to force its way over my eyes as I placed the letters inside. I left Gokudera's with Tsuna's because I wasn't sure where his locker was. I also placed Haru's and Ryohei's letter along with Kyoko's. I placed one in Riri's locker although we haven't been talking as much lately. My eyes teared up when I let go of the one I rested inside Takeshi's, the longest letter and the easiest to write. There was so much I could say to him.
I'm sorry, Takeshi. I'm sorry that I won't see you for a very long time. And I'm sorry that there's nothing you and I could do. If there was only person I could pick to give a proper explanation to, it would be Takeshi. He deserved so much more than this letter but this was more than I had ever hoped to give him. I thought about all the things he has done for me but I wiped my tears.
I wasn't done yet.
Hibari was supposed to be a high schooler so he shouldn't have a locker. I quickly made my way up the stairs and down the hallway to the only place I could put it, the reception room. It was late so I thought nothing of it when I pressed down on the knob, opening the door.
My breath was caught in my throat. My eyes widened. My heart demanded to leap out of my chest.
Hibari.
He was here. He was in front of me. He was close enough for me to touch.
It wasn't a dream. I treaded softly, ever so carefully and quietly, over to Hibari who was sitting on the couch. He was dozing off, his breathing was even. His lids were closed, one of his elbow was propped up on the arm of the sofa, the hand resting under his head. He seemed so peaceful.
I can't wake him up. I don't want to explain… I don't want to know what would happen if he saw me… If I got the chance to talk to him. I didn't expect a last opportunity with anyone.
And as stupid as it is, as much as I wished for it, I wasn't going to allow myself to have it. I bent down slightly and placed the letter, the hardest one I tried to write, as softly as I could onto the coffee table, not like it was capable of making a noise loud enough to wake him up. I let myself watch him for a moment. I fought the strange urge and itch in my fingers to touch his face.
No.
I felt my heart twist and my cheeks growing wet. I knew that it was time that I had to leave. I walked miserably over to the door and allowed myself one last glance back before I steeled my resolve. I closed the door lightly behind my leave and made my way downstairs. I was a few steps away from the exit, I didn't have much time left before they notice and come after me.
It's been awhile, my absence was probably already noticed by now. They were probably already coming to get me or they could already be here. I quickened my haste.
"You sure have a lot of nerve," the familiar voice sent a shiver up my spine. I felt myself tense up along with the knot in my stomach.
Shit, that was earlier than expected.