Five Years Later

Part 15

While they'd planned on spending the entire weekend at Blaine's, they did end up heading to Sebastian's on Saturday after grocery shopping. Now that they were spending Thanksgiving together, they knew there were quite a few things they needed to pick up. And while they could both cook, Blaine called his Mom Saturday morning for a few recipes as he and Sebastian only had an idea of the basics they needed. Needless to say, his Mom was thrilled to hear of Blaine's plans as she hated the thought of him being alone on Thanksgiving.

Once they had the list, they headed out as the sooner they finished, the sooner they could continue their quiet weekend. During the train ride, Sebastian received a call from Thad as after some discussion he and Hunter decided that Blaine and Sebastian needed to know who they saw at dinner. Surprisingly though, Blaine wasn't the slightest bit upset and actually wished they'd been there to see it, especially after Thad's description of Kurt's reaction upon hearing Blaine had been out with them. After ending the call, Sebastian looked at Blaine who looked rather content. "You do know he was expecting you to flip, right?"

"I know, but why would I be upset."

"Because they essentially told Kurt you're back hanging with the guys whom he basically hates."

"It really shouldn't come as much of a surprise to him." Blaine told him. "And if they saw me, it isn't odd that my friends defended me."

"You know sooner or later the guys might start asking questions."

"I know and I'll cross that bridge when it comes. They know the basics, plus what you've shared with Thad as we both know should he have gotten upset, he shared."

"True. I'm pretty sure Kurt was taken aback by the way Hunter spoke to him considering they don't know each other."

"I'm sure he was. By the way, I'm sorry my conversation with my Mom lasted as long as it did."

"That's alright. I thought it was cute how excited she sounded. Plus, it would've been wrong to not take all the advice she was giving since this is the first time either of us are cooking a meal like this."

"That's a fact she reminded me of. She also told me that we shouldn't hesitate to call should we have any questions that day or prior once we begin."

"Does she think we're getting in over our heads B?"

"A little, but since we're only cooking for two it won't be as though we're making the same quantity that a lot of her recipes called for."

"True as it looks as though she cooks for an army."

"You should see the way Cooper eats." Blaine said with a laugh. "Are you sure you want to go all out?"

"I do as it's been a long time since I've had what would be considered a traditional Thanksgiving." Sebastian then leaned over and kissed Blaine on the cheek. "How did she take that you won't be home for Christmas either?"

"She's not thrilled but considering the reason, she understands. They both knew a time would come when I would no longer be coming home each year."

"Why do I have a feeling they spoiled you last Christmas?"

"That would be because you have excellent instincts as they did."

"Do you mind if I ask how they reacted when you told them you were leaving Kurt and filing for divorce?"

"My Mom was concerned but she understood considering how much I had changed and my Dad was thrilled."

"So, I take that to mean your Dad didn't like Kurt."

"They got along, but I wouldn't say it went much further. Then when I began to change more and more, and not for the better in his eyes, his opinion of my husband began to change rather quickly. Hell, he's the one that did all the research on a divorce lawyer for me."

"Safe to say he wanted you out of your marriage."

"He did, but he never pushed as he respected that it was my decision to make. But once I made it, it he was one of my biggest cheerleaders."

"The more I hear about your Dad, the more I like him."

"That's because you like anyone that dislikes my ex." Blaine said with a laugh as they stood as they were approaching their stop. "Don't try to deny it Sebastian."

"The thought never crossed my mind Blaine."

While they were out and about, the two both realized how surreal all of this was considering the amount of time they'd actually been a couple. Yet, it felt like the most natural thing to be doing together. During their shopping trip it wasn't too shocking that Christmas was brought up once more and that they were both more than ready to spend it together as they'd both be on break from school. Even though they planned on spending most of it together, they both knew Blaine would be in rehearsal quite a bit. Hell, they were pretty resigned to the fact that Blaine being in rehearsals was now a part of their lives.

By the time they returned to Sebastian's building the doorman looked at them both and smiled as he let them inside. "I think that look proves we might've overdone it." Blaine said as they waited for the elevators.

"It was that I didn't have them delivered as I often get lazy."

"Not you." Blaine replied while laughing as they entered the elevator.

"Funny."

"I know." Blaine said as he smiled up at him. "Now, have you thought of any songs you'd like us to add to our repertoire?"

"I have actually and made a list of them."

"A list?"

"Yes, a list. I'm quite organized you know." Sebastian told him before they exited as the ride up went rather quickly. "You'd be surprised how many songs came to mind after you first asked."

"I'll be eager to see it."

"I'll show it to you once we get back to your place."

"Why do I have to wait?"

"Because I want to hear you play them and well, you don't have a guitar at my place."

"Fair enough."

While the boys unpacked from their shopping trip and double-checked everything on their list, Santana was getting ready to head out after a long but successful night at work. While working on the weekends for the most part wasn't her favorite thing to do, Santana couldn't argue with the money she made in tips on those nights. Plus since she worked both nights, on those occasions she needed one of the nights off, her manager was more than willing to accommodate her request. Just as she pulled open the door to the loft, she rolled her eyes when she spotted Kurt in front of her. "You really need to start calling before coming by." She stated as she closed her coat.

"Rachel doesn't mind."

"Well, I do and if you had called first, you'd know she's not here."

"Where is she?"

"Work. You just know how the tourists pack that place on the weekend. The novelty of it amuses them."

"It didn't used to bother you."

"Oh, I'm not knocking it as it works great for Rachel's schedule and it served me well at the time. But once I started tending bar, I can make twice as much working less hours. Now if you don't mind, I'm on my way out."

"May I ask you a question before you go?"

"One, so make it good."

"Do you know if Blaine's been spending time with the guys from Dalton?"

"He has." Santana replied before closing the door behind her and locking it. "Later Kurt!" The words barely left her mouth and Santana was headed down the stairs, not having given Kurt a second look. While she didn't say much, Kurt now knew that Thad wasn't screwing with him the night before and that Blaine had reconnected with the guys. He was pretty sure he hadn't considering he knew they'd gotten divorced, but he wouldn't put it past Thad to mess with him. Yet he couldn't help but wonder who else Thad's intolerable friend knew that Blaine knew that he had such a strong opinion about him.

With Santana gone and Rachel working, Kurt headed out as he knew waiting for Rachel was pointless as she tended to work long shifts on the weekends. But he also knew Rachel didn't mind people coming by to say hello so he figured he'd do just that and maybe she'd give him more information. While some might not understand considering how nasty their divorce got, for the most part Kurt was only lashing out in anger as he couldn't believe Blaine had left him. Little did he realize at the time that his antics were slowly killing off any residual feelings Blaine had for him.

By the time he'd arrived at the diner, it was as crowded as Santana had expected it to be. So it wasn't too surprising to Kurt that he was going to have to wait for a table. As he did, he witnessed quite a few musical numbers and was a bit surprised when Rachel barely smiled upon spotting him. Unbeknownst to him, Santana had called Rachel and given her a heads up that he might be stopping by. Normally Santana wouldn't have bothered, but the fact that Kurt was asking about Blaine she wasn't going to let Rachel get blindsided.

Once he was seated, Rachel was rather relieved that it wasn't in her section as he'd been put at the counter as singles rarely got tables on the weekend. Unfortunately for her though, she ended up going on break while he was there so she really couldn't hide if she wanted too. "It seems pretty crazy today." Kurt said once he sat down beside her.

"This is calm compared to how it was earlier." Rachel replied. "So, what brings you by as it must be rather important to brave the chaos that this place is on the weekend." There was something about the look on her face that Kurt knew Santana must've called her as her expression spoke volumes.

"Fine, I saw Thad Harwood while out to dinner last night and he had quite a few words to say in regards to Blaine."

"And, does that really surprise you considering how close they all were at one point?"

"No, but…it caught me off-guard since you said Blaine never really speaks of the divorce."

"He doesn't. As far as he's concerned that part of his life is over and he's moving forward, much as you are in most aspects."

"What are you saying Rachel?"

"That you need to put yourself out there and start dating Kurt."

"You realize you just confirmed that Blaine is dating."

"I know that." Rachel then tilted her head. "Am I imagining things or are you not wearing your ring?"

"I'm not. And it feels wrong. Each morning I'm still tempted to put it on."

"But you're not married anymore Kurt and that's what that ring symbolized."

"Would you answer something for me, that is if you know the answer?"

"I will try unless it's in regards to Blaine's personal life."

"It does concern him, but it's not personal in regards to his current life. Do you know when he stopped wearing his ring as I know he did as I didn't see it when we were in court?"

"I don't know when as shortly after the two of you separated I didn't see much of him as he kept to himself. But the first time I did see him, I didn't bother to take notice of whether or not he was wearing it, sorry." And while Kurt looked skeptical at first all it took was one good look at Rachel to know she was telling the truth. With that now answered, Rachel excused herself from Kurt as she had a couple of calls she wanted to make before her break was over. Kurt understood and gave her a hug before watching her head outside. Even though it was cold out, Rachel knew she needed to let Blaine know that Kurt was asking questions about him once more. It would also give her a chance to ask him when he stopped wearing his ring as Kurt's question had peaked her curiosity.

Blaine and Sebastian were already walking back to Blaine's apartment when he checked his phone and saw a couple of missed calls from Rachel. "Any idea what she wants to talk to you about Killer?" Sebastian asked after Blaine mentioned the missed calls.

"No. All her messages say is that she'll try again later but that we need to talk."

"Why do I have a feeling Hummel is probably bothering her again?"

"Because that seems to go hand in hand any time she needs to talk to me." Blaine replied as they walked into the building. "And considering what Thad had to say, I'm sure he bitched about how rude he and Hunter were."

"Though, it's not as though Rachel has any control over how your friends behave towards him."

"I know, but he loves nothing more than to bitch and moan about things and people. And the fact that this combines people he dislikes it's a prime opportunity for him to do so." By the time Rachel got ahold of them, it was at the end of her shift. She couldn't help but laugh as Sebastian had answered Blaine's phone because of how they were sitting on the couch, as Blaine was leaning against Sebastian playing his guitar. After a brief conversation, they agreed to meet her the next morning for breakfast so they could discuss things in a bit more detail. Once he set Blaine's phone down, Sebastian slid his arms around Blaine. "Is it correct in assuming you want an answer to the question she didn't directly ask?"

"Can't say I wasn't curious as to when it happened."

"Once I moved out. I took it off before I even began unpacking boxes and never put it on again." Blaine replied as he set his guitar down beside them. "I almost took it off so many times before that, yet I didn't."

"May I ask something else?"

"Of course."

"What did you do with it?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes." Sebastian replied as he pulled Blaine onto his lap.

"I donated it to charity. I figured just because it has bad memories for me, it could hold good memories for someone else that might not be able to afford one."

"Seriously?"

"Yep, so you don't have to worry about ever finding it in the back of a drawer or something."

"If I came across it, it wouldn't have bothered me. It's a part of who you are B and as much as neither of us wants to think about it, it won't change the matter."

"That's something I know all too well. But I should tell you, my lawyer let me know that he got the confirmation paperwork from Kurt's lawyer and his name has been changed back."

"What had you two gone by?"

"I didn't change my name and he hyphenated his."

"Why didn't you guys go with one name?"

"We couldn't come up with a compromise. And since I planned on becoming a performer, keeping my surname felt right, though I can see how some could think it was selfish on my part."

"That should've been your first warning flag B."

"I know. Trust me; there were plenty of them that I didn't see till long after the fact. It's one of the reasons why I made certain that part of the decree was him changing his name back immediately."

"Did you think he might not have if you hadn't?"

"I honestly don't know, but I didn't want to risk it. I did whatever I could to make certain that there was no connection left between us once we were divorced."

"Is it wrong to say that I'm glad?"

"No." Blaine said as he leaned his head against Sebastian's shoulder. "In more pleasant matters, did you like some of the twists I put on some of your song recommendations?"

"I did. You have an uncanny ability to take a song we all know and change it up, while still not destroying it." Some might've taken offense to Blaine so quickly changing the subject, but Sebastian knew talking about Kurt was Blaine's least favorite topic so he wasn't going to ever push the topic, that is unless it directly affected the two of them. "You know, if you play the first one on the list at your next gig, Hunter will laugh his ass off."

"That's fine as long as you guys don't start dancing, because I don't think I could keep it together. Though, you're more than welcome to come on stage and harmonize. I know the others wouldn't object. Heck, they want you to join me for a number."

"Not going to happen Anderson. My singing is now reserved for you and the shower."

"It really is a shame Bas, as you've got a great voice."

"We'll go and do karaoke one night."

"Sebastian, at least consider it, just once. And you can pick the number." Blaine told him as he moved his guitar out of the way so he could straddle Sebastian's lap. "Anything you want."

"Fine, I'll consider it." Sebastian replied as he wrapped his arms tightly around Blaine, bringing him flush against him. "But enough playing with new songs for now as you've already got more than enough to share with everyone next rehearsal."

"What precisely do you have in mind?" Blaine asked as he looked at him. "Or, is that a silly question to ask considering what I feel?"

"Well, there are numerous ways to take care of what you're feeling. Two concern you and the other is rather self-involved. Though, I'd prefer keeping the self-involved method out of the picture as you're here." While he spoke, Sebastian felt Blaine scoot back slightly and begin to undo his pants. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome as it's the least I can do as I assume I'm the cause of what's arisen."

"You are very much the cause. Since that's the case, what do you plan on doing about it?" Sebastian then watched as Blaine contemplated his answer. Normally he had a pretty good idea of what was going through Blaine's head, yet this time what he was going to choose had him completely stumped. But once Blaine began to nuzzle his neck and slipped his hand into his pants, Sebastian had a pretty good idea. He was getting lost in the sensations when there was a loud knock on Blaine's door.

"Ignore it." Blaine whispered before moving his lips back to Sebastian's neck. Never would Sebastian have taken Blaine to be someone to ignore someone at his door, but at a time like this he was glad he was. When the knocking continued, Sebastian could feel Blaine shifting above him as it was obvious he was frustrated that whoever it was wasn't leaving. Once it got to the point where even Sebastian was distracted he reluctantly removed Blaine's hand which caused him to sit up. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Sebastian said before giving him a kiss. "Go find out who the hell it is so we can get back to what we were doing." Blaine sighed before getting up off of Sebastian's lap. Once he was gone, Sebastian grabbed a pillow from beside him as there was no way he was doing up his pants in his given state. All he knew at that moment was that whoever it was better have a damn good reason for not leaving.

The moment he heard Santana's voice, Sebastian sat up a bit as he couldn't help but wonder what was going on. While she wasn't one to back down, this seemed a bit extreme for even her. Once they walked around the couch, Santana took one look at Sebastian before sitting down as Blaine got settled as well. "Normally I'd make some sarcastic comment since I obvious interrupted you guys given Blaine's swollen lips and well, pillow placement, but I won't as I'm actually sorry."

"How did you even know I was home that you didn't give up?" Blaine asked softly as Sebastian took ahold of one of his hands.

"I'd spoken to Rachel who said you were home when she spoke to you." Santana told them. "So, I figured you were still here as you'd told her you two were making it a quiet night. I truly am sorry."

"It's alright." Sebastian said as he moved slightly. "What's so important that you needed to talk to us as that's what I thought I heard you say to Blaine?"

"Well, earlier today Hummel was outside our door wanting to talk with Rachel but she wasn't there. And he clearly wanted to talk and well, I gave him the opportunity to ask me one question."

"Rachel said he wanted to know if what Thad said was true, if I was back in touch with the guys." Blaine said.

"Yes, which I obviously confirmed as I think it's wonderful. Apparently he didn't, but not like that matters."

"What's going on Santana?" Sebastian asked as Blaine settled back against him. "That isn't important and you know it."

"Kurt was waiting for Rachel when she got home today." Santana told him. "It seems Hunter didn't make a great impression on Kurt and something he said got Kurt thinking."

"About?" Blaine asked.

"Who else Hunter could be friends with aside from Thad who could have such a strong dislike of him."

"You're afraid he's going to figure out it's me." Sebastian replied to which Santana nodded.

"It could be any of the guys as none of them like him." Blaine said. "While some didn't mind him, once I essentially pushed them out of my life he got blamed for it. And now if you add the little they know about our divorce into it, it could be any of them."

"Yet none of the rest of them are in New York City B." Sebastian said. "I'm the one that goes to school with Hunter."

"True, but since he's a friend of Thad's it could be any of the guys. Jeff is in Jersey while Wes and Nick are in Connecticut."

"But the rest of the guys are slightly further." Sebastian reminded him. "And well, no one would ever expect Wes to bad mouth anyone. Do you know if Kurt knows which school Hunter goes to?"

"Not that I know of, but you'd probably be better off asking Thad or Hunter that question." Santana said. "I really didn't want to dump this on you guys, but I as well as Rachel felt you should know. It seems the more you move on with your life Blaine, the more curious Kurt is becoming. He doesn't seem to comprehend how easily you seem to be moving forward."

"It's easy to move forward when it had stopped being a marriage before I even left him."

"That's what Rachel's tried telling him, but from the answers she's getting he didn't see things the way you did."

"That's because he was too busy accusing me of sleeping around anytime I was rehearsing late or going in early to do the same."

"I know Blaine. Considering what I know and how he treated you, one would think he felt the same as you, yet he didn't." Santana told him. "For some reason he didn't think things were as bad in your marriage." When Blaine's demeanor changed, Sebastian sighed softly as Santana looked down. "I didn't come here to upset you Blaine."

"I know. It's just…" Sebastian and Santana then watched as Blaine took the heels of his hands to his eyes while taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm not going to get into this as I promised myself I wouldn't trash him."

"Blaine, after everything he's said you have all the right in the world to do so."

"Please Santana, I…I won't." Blaine then glanced at Sebastian who looked to be at a complete loss for what to do in that moment. "Will you both excuse me?" Santana and Sebastian both said yes, then watched as Blaine got up and left the room, clearly frustrated. Santana looked at Sebastian who was looking down the hall even after Blaine closed the door to his bedroom.

"I'm sorry Sebastian." Santana said quietly once Sebastian finally turned to look at her as even with everything the two of them had talked about, he'd never seen Blaine like this.

"What the hell did that bastard do to him?" Sebastian said quietly, yet fiercely enough that Santana was taken aback by it.

"I…I…honestly don't know Sebastian. I've never seen him react like that."

"I think you better go." Sebastian said as he did up his pants beneath the pillow.

"Sebastian, I'm so sorry." Santana replied as she got up. "You've got to believe me that I had no idea this would happen. I didn't imagine me coming here tonight would turn out like this."

"I do believe you Santana." He said as he got up from the couch. "But I really don't think Blaine can take any more of this conversation. And well, I doubt he'll talk to me if you're here."

"While I know you're upset as well Sebastian, you can't snap should Blaine open up." Santana said as Sebastian helped her on with her coat.

"Trust me; I know I have to tread lightly when it comes to talking about his divorce. And considering what just occurred, I'm going to have to be even more careful." Once Sebastian opened the door he looked at Santana. "Hopefully he's not there when you return."

"If he knows what's good for him, he won't be. I already told him I'm sick of him just showing up. And I know Rachel is getting a little tired of it as lately all he's asking her about is Blaine."

"Could I ask you something before you go?"

"Certainly."

"Do you honestly believe Kurt still loves Blaine or is it he just can't stand that Blaine is moving on with his life?"

"It might be a bit of both honestly as Rachel and I have talked about it quite a bit at length. But what I can tell you, leaving Kurt was the best thing Blaine could've done as that marriage wasn't healthy. Leaving Kurt saved him as that marriage took a serious toll on him."

"So I've been told."

"Sebastian, it really was bad. He became a shell of the person you see now. So to see him happy again, really means a lot to so many."

"I plan on keeping it that way."

"Good. Now go take care of our boy." Santana then stretched to kiss Sebastian on the cheek before saying goodbye.

After closing the door behind her and locking it, Sebastian leaned against the wall and took a deep breath. To hear Santana so concerned and worried was making his stomach do somersaults as he was already concerned as well. But for her to act the way she did, it honestly had him worried that something much bigger had happened during the marriage that Blaine hadn't told him. While his first instinct might've been to be upset, his concern for what it might be overrode that reaction.

When he reached the bedroom door, he knocked before opening it. Blaine didn't respond, so Sebastian slowly opened it and walked in and found him lying in bed; face down and away from the door. "Blaine."

"Go away!" The way Blaine's voice cracked when he spoke caused Sebastian to take a deep breath once more to compose his thoughts. In that moment, the last thing he wanted to do was upset Blaine any more than he was.

"If that's truly what you want, I will. But I thought you should know Santana is gone and she's extremely sorry for upsetting you." Sebastian stood there for a moment waiting for a response, but when he didn't get one he walked across the room to get his bag. "I'll be out of here soon Killer."

"Sebastian, please….don't go." Blaine lifted his head off the pillow and looked at him. Sebastian couldn't believe what he was seeing as Blaine had been crying. "Unless you want to…I…I just didn't want to face Santana as I'm sure she would've had a field day seeing me like this." While Blaine spoke, Sebastian nodded before sitting down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Though, I'm sure you could do the same thing." In that moment, Sebastian placed an arm over him and began to rub his back. "I can't even imagine what you think of me right now."

"That you're incredible." Those words caused Blaine to look up at Sebastian who proceeded to wipe the tears off his cheeks. "Most people would take any opportunity to trash their ex, yet you didn't, you took the high road. That makes you the better person Blaine, but I've always known that."

"Sebastian."

"I'm serious. But, clearly you haven't told me everything judging from the way you reacted."

"I'm sorry, it's just…you already don't like Kurt and…I swore I wouldn't trash him."

"It's not trashing him if you're telling the truth B." While Sebastian spoke, Blaine scooted over a bit so there was more space for Sebastian to sit which he promptly took advantage of. "The breakdown of your marriage went beyond not getting along or trusting each other anymore, didn't it?" Blaine nodded as he moved onto his back so he could look up at Sebastian. "I'm going to ask you something and I want you to answer me honestly."

"Alright." Blaine replied as Sebastian took one of Blaine's hands into his.

"Did he ever lay a hand on you?" When Blaine went to look away, Sebastian gave his hand a gentle squeeze causing him to look back at him. "Blaine, did he?"

"Yes, but not in the way you might think. He would sometimes slap me after he called me a liar for denying whatever it was he'd accused me of."

"When did it start?" Sebastian asked as calmly as possible, still stunned by what Blaine told him.

"Some time after our first anniversary. It's also when he stopped coming to see me perform and nothing I seemed to do was good enough for him."

"Does anyone else know?"

"Aside from my lawyer, no. But I'm pretty certain my Dad knows something else was going on besides me just being unhappy."

"You said he used to tell you he'd come to your performances."

"He did and then he wouldn't show. He would always make an excuse to Rachel as to why he didn't make it, I rarely got an explanation. Looking back I think he loved screwing with my feelings as he knew I'd look forward to him coming and then, nothing."

"Of course you'd be looking forward to him coming to support you, he was your husband. It should've gone unsaid that he'd be there."

"That's what I thought, but obviously I was wrong. More than once he told me why should he be there as he was certain whoever I was screwing behind his back would be there."

"If he thought you were cheating, why did he stay?"

"Because deep down I think he knew it wasn't true, even though one wouldn't have been surprised if I had considering it was essentially a sex-less marriage."

"With your sex-drive, you were in a sex-less marriage?" Sebastian questioned softly and Blaine nodded.

"Now you know why I had plenty of time to fantasize. While in the beginning I'd usually start masturbating with him in my mind, but that image didn't last long. Then soon I'd just start out with a certain fantasy of a mysterious stranger."

"Me." Sebastian said proudly which brought a smile to Blaine's face.

"Yes, you." Blaine replied as that smile turned shy. "You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"

"Probably not." Sebastian then leaned over and kissed Blaine softly. "Is there anything else B?"

"Well, if you ask my lawyer, I was verbally and emotionally abused throughout my marriage."

"I'm so sorry Blaine."

"Well, I appreciate that. Luckily I had enough respect left for myself to get out before he took that from me."

"Do you mind me asking what took you so long?"

"It was sporadic to start. It didn't start getting really bad till midway through the second year. And by the time our third anniversary rolled around my Dad was already looking at lawyers for me."

"If he knew Kurt had been hitting you B, he wouldn't have let you figure it out on your own."

"I know. Just as I know I should've left sooner. But you wouldn't believe the emotions I dealt with. So much was going through my head Sebastian that it took time to sort everything."

"I get that, but no one ever deserves to get hit Blaine or treated the way you were."

"I know. And like anyone else that's dealt with it, Kurt apologized afterwards and promised it would never happen again. That he didn't know what came over him to cause him to do it. It's an ugly cycle that screws with your head."

"That's something I do know. One last question though, okay?" Blaine nodded. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I didn't want you to think less of me."