Chapter one :
"You know what sweetheart; we need to find you a hobby." Haymitch murmured, his lips barely straying from the bottle in his hands to get the words out. I raise an eyebrow at him. We are in his house, which used to stink and was full of filth, but somehow someone had convinced him to give Hazel a job so she would have money for her family. So Hazel cleaned and scrubbed, and in return was given food and money, more than she thought was fair but Haymitch never relented. It was hard seeing her. The moment that she had seen me, she had promptly burst into tears and had wrapped me in her motherly arms and rocked me as if I had the tears that needed consoling, she had murmured in my ear how much I was loved by Gale, and that I had done my best, that she was so proud of me. I then promptly ran from her, tears blurring my sight until I somehow made it out to the open, where I vomited the small breakfast I had eaten.
"Have you been speaking with Cinna?" I ask wrapping my arms tightly around my legs that were to my chest as he huffed out a laugh.
"Hardly." Haymitch replied gruffly.
"Maybe I'll take up drinking as my hobby." I say nonchalantly as Haymitch narrowed his eyes at me.
"Har har. Not funny." Haymitch grumbled tipping his head back and swallowing what was left of the contents of the bottle, as if I had been thinking of drinking from the same thing, I shuddered in disgust.
"I have a hobby." I stated resting my chin in my hand as Haymitch studied me with heavy eyes, the eyes of a drinking man.
"Oh?" He asked his lips turning up in a half smile as if he already knew what I was going to say, I got to my feet and walked to the window of his kitchen. Haymitch's house was situated directly in front of my own. I watched as Peeta, as if on queue left the house that was supposedly mine, watched as my mother patted his cheek once and closed the door on him. Peeta then turned his gaze to the house I was residing in, I could feel his eyes on me, and though I knew it was impossible because I was hidden behind a heavy curtain, I still backed a half step away. I watched as he cocked his head to the side, watched as his cheeks reddened before he ducked his head and went on his way.
"Your hobby is watching the boy?" Haymitch asked with a gruff laugh, and I turn to him with a scowl.
"Shh." I hiss furiously, my own cheeks reddening with the thought that Hazel may hear us. "I'm trying to figure him out, if you must know."
"What's there to figure out? He comes to your house when you're not there to deliver bread; he does the same for me and for Hazel." Haymitch muttered with a roll of his eyes. I shrug my shoulders before turning away from him, he speaks the truth but I know there is so much more behind Peeta Mellark and his persistent visits.
"The tour will be starting soon." Haymitch muttered after a moment of silence, I lean heavily against the wall with a sigh.
"I know, but thanks for reminding me." I state darkly. The Capitol was insistent that I go on the tour, that there would be consequences if I didn't, for I was up and well. They didn't know about the crippling nightmares and lack of sleep, the makeup would hide that all well enough though.
"I'll be there with you. You won't be alone." Haymitch said this tenderly, taking me aback for a moment. I nodded my head silently, my throat tight. Haymitch had proven himself to be a worthy mentor, and had taken his job seriously even when he didn't have to and even when it no longer applied. I took a steadying breath, my thoughts running to the upcoming trip- I had a couple of weeks until I had to go and that subdued my rising terror.
"I'll see you." I mutter walking briskly away from him, only pausing to squeeze his shoulder firmly before leaving the house and returning to my own, now that it was safe to, my thoughts focused on Peeta Mellark.
I walk toward the Capitol house, a peculiar feeling settling in my stomach. I missed my old house, it was the last link I had to my father, and I wondered if my mother or Prim had visited it whilst I was recovering.
After a moment's hesitation, I turned on my heel and walked toward the Seam where my small home was waiting. I hadn't ventured into the town since my home coming, after I spat and screamed at Peeta in front of the crowds that had waited to welcome me, their new victor home. I kept my head down as I walked, sure that I could feel eyes on me.
"Katniss?" I looked up, seeing an older woman whose skin was stained with coal and filth call to me, I didn't recognise her. She leans heavily on her door with an outstretched hand, the skin is pulled tight over the bones and I can feel the guilt lay heavily onto me. The food the Capitol sends us is never enough. "Please." She begs, her hand stretching to me. I do not know what she is begging for, food or water. Things I do not have with me, things I do not have enough of – especially if other people see my offerings. The Capitol gives just enough to get by for my family, I know my mother gives out what she can but there is nothing that we can do.
"I'm, I'm sorry." I manage to stammer out, backing away from her.
"Katniss." More people seem to recognise me, or can hear the others calling my name and soon I am surrounded by frail skinny people, hands outstretched touching my arms, my shoulders even my hair.
"I can't." I say, not knowing how to finish my sentence. My breath leaves my lungs in a panic; I never knew how many people resided in my District until they were all upon me. "Please." I am soon begging with them because they will not let me leave the small circle they have me surrounded in. The ground sways beneath my feet, as small children chant my name whilst their parents covered in filth cry and plead for food, water and medicine until it all becomes a faint buzz in my head. "I can't help you." I cry through my panic, as my vision becomes tunnelled.
"Katniss!" A voice calls to me and I look through my wide eyed fear to see a blonde head part through the crowds. "Get back! Let her through, can't you see that she is still recovering?" The voice is stern and full of disapproval.
Peeta. I didn't deserve him to come rescue me after I screamed vicious things and avoided him yet here he was.
"Are you okay?" He asks me quietly, his hand holding firmly onto the crook of my elbow as I nod my head numbly.
I can feel the sweat stick my clothes to my body, and I still feel dizzy. I watch warily as the people that had converged on me slowly slink away and back to their houses, their backs hunched with disappointment. A figure remains and I let out a deep sigh.
"Sae." I murmur, shrugging myself away from Peeta.
"Katniss." Sae replies, her back stooped as always. Sae walks slowly toward me, her eyes assessing me from head to toe. "It's been awhile." She says softly though her eyes still have that hard glint and it's not hard to see that she blames me for Gale. She had always preferred Gale over me, like most women. It seemed age didn't affect that attraction.
"I can't keep up with time, so I will take your word for it." I mutter as a lame joke as Peeta looks between us. I turn my attention away from Sae and solely onto Peeta.
"Thank you." I had more to say but I couldn't find the words. He gives me a small smile and a nod of his head before retreating slowly away, glancing over his shoulder at me.
I watch as Sae turns on her heel and begins walking toward the hob, I take it that she wants me to follow so I stumble after her.
"Have you eaten?" Sae asks as small talk, and I shake my head. I didn't eat much nowadays – just enough to keep the worry from my family and Haymitch. "I have a mighty fine wild dog stew waiting for you."
"Thank you." I say quietly, the silence descending upon us awkwardly. We walk together, and I realise the presence of Sae and her face full of severity keeps people away, but I do not miss how their eyes would follow me with a longing so great it slows my stride with heavy guilt.
"It was a shame about the girl, Rue." Sae says suddenly, surprising me. I do not have time to protect myself against the sudden onslaught of emotion I feel at the mention of Rue's name.
"Please." I say stopping all together as Sae slowly turns to me, I close my eyes tightly and breathe through my nose.
"You couldn't save her Katniss." Sae states and I shake my head.
"And I couldn't save Gale." I mutter opening my eyes and glaring at her – watching as her lips curled into a half smirk.
"No, you couldn't. I and no one else expected you to." I clench my hands at this, and shake my head as if that could stop me from hearing her words and feeling the effect of them. "But you failed him."
"Don't!" I snap. "You weren't there! You don't know!" I scream pointing a finger at her haggard face, my breath panting from my body with my sudden anger and grief. "I replay that night over and over in my head, and I wonder what I could have done differently. I should have kept to the promise, that's what you are referring to isn't it? I should have killed Gale before Cato or Thresh had the chance to. You don't know anything you old hag! I couldn't kill Gale, I wish I could have, I wish I did. But I didn't." I spat, tears blurring my eyesight and I swiped at them with the back of my hand, rubbing viciously and cursing my weakness.
"There she is." Sae murmurs somewhat impressed. "It's good to see a bit of fight still in you."
Sae turns and begins walking again, as if the confrontation had never even happened, leaving me trembling and panting in confusion watching after her.
So what do ya'll think? Got so many ideas so would love to hear what you think! Sorry for any mistakes, I have tried to read through it so carefully, and I am trying to improve my writing so stick with me! Reviews are greatly appreciated!