"Only know you love her when you let her go...and you let her go"-Passenger
Six months. That's all John could think of as he sat at the bar staring at the bottom of his now empty glass. He slowly reached into his pocket and pulled out a wallet sized photo. He had memorized every detail of it. He half heartily smiled when he remembered where the picture came from. He was meeting with Joss at their diner so she could give him some information on a number. He just so happened to have his new camera with him. He remembered telling her to smile for him, so he could make sure it worked right. What he got was a shot of her with a coffee mug at her lips and the unmistakable gleam of amusement in her eyes that she always had on her face whenever he made her annoyingly happy at his antics. The smile and warm feeling left him just as quick as it came.
Other than his dreams, the picture was the only thing he had left of her. Why did it take so long for him to realize the truth? Why did knowing that he loved her, come so slow to him, just to go so fast? Why did this keep happening? Why did it seem like everything he touched died? Kara was right he was the darkness and maybe this was God's way of telling him he had to walk in it alone.
Every night he found himself staring at the ceiling in the dark of his apartment, while the empty cold feeling that built in his chest and lodged itself in his throat. How could he not have realized his feeling sooner? Why did it take losing her forever for him to realize he loved her so much? She really was the brightest light in his life. He was standing right there and he let her go, he let her die.
He touched her photo one last time as he paid his tab and made his way back to his apartment. As he walked the snow covered streets of New York he hoped that if he did manage to sleep tonight, he'd be able to see her in his dreams. He honestly didn't know which was worst not remembering his dreams or remembering them and realizing when he awoke that they were just dreams. Oh how he wished he could make his dreams last forever.