Chapter two:
I decided against going to the hob after my encounter with Sae, even decided against visiting my old home, too fraught with emotion and wary of the residents of Twelve to venture any further. Instead I ran weakly back to the safety of the Victors Village, for the only visitors we had there were Peeta and Hazel. I was breathless and wheezy once I had returned, making me realise just how much I had neglected my body. I missed my forest but I couldn't go there without Gale, couldn't hunt without thinking about the people that I had killed in the Games.
I walked slowly to my new house, thinking about what had happened in town, the people surrounding me, Peeta helping me and then Sae. I didn't know what to think. I was confused and I was hurting, the guilt of everything laying heavily on me.
I opened the heavy door to my house and walked to the kitchen finding my mother and Prim stood at the counter kneading dough as Buttercup, the mangy cat I had once saved for Prim, danced around their legs, mewling like a kitten for scraps.
I watched them in silence, I had walked in wearing my shoes but my silent tread made them oblivious to my presence. My mother and sister spoke quietly to each other both laughing and bumping shoulders, not noticing me standing there and watching them. My chest constricted painfully, fully aware that I would never have that bond with my mother, I thought whilst I was in the Games if I survived maybe I could forgive her for not being there for us, then after losing Gale, I knew I could. But it would seem I had lost that chance and not only that, but I had lost Prim in the process. There was a distance forming between us that I didn't know how to bridge.
Slowly I retreated away, and on silent feet I managed to make it to my room. I ignored the mess that I had made, my mother had long decided against fixing the things that I had ruined in my fits of anger and had instead left the mess for me to deal with. I walked past it all and slowly methodically undressed before climbing into the large plush bed, looking out the window until my eyesight blurred and I couldn't distinguish anything other than the rising sobs that chocked my throat.
They called it a relapse, the fancy doctors from the Capitol. They had said that it would happen frequently, that mental recovery was tricky business and no medicine would truly help. It was something I didn't know about, something I didn't pay enough attention to when I was being fixed after the Games. Haymitch had been with me through out it all, whether from my strong grip on his hand or because of something else I didn't know.
As the medication began to wean itself from my body and the mental, emotional and physical lethargy took its toll and kept me bed ridden, I began to remember things from my stay in the hospital of the Capitol.
When the doctors had healed my body and force fed me until I was plump and healthy they then moved onto trying to fix me mentally. I remember a doctor telling me or telling Haymitch, I wasn't sure, about the five stages of grief. Since my homecoming, I had plenty of time to reflect on that memory and those five stages. I didn't know how much truth was in what they were saying but when I compared the stages to how my mother was when my father had died, I realised it was at least partly true. The first stage was denial, which they said I had bypassed – how much denial could you go through after watching the person you love die horribly, have their thick warm blood coat your hands and forever stain them? No I wasn't in denial, Gale was murdered and there would be no hope of him ever returning to this world. The second stage being anger, which was clear I possessed. The next stage was bargaining, I clearly bypassed that stage and was now living in limbo of anger and the fourth stage of depression. I would never reach the final stage, acceptance. I couldn't possibly accept a world in which Gale wasn't part of, a world where innocent children like Rue were murdered so cruelly.
So I had to live on in limbo, in misery and alone.
"Did you know that you have been in bed for a week? I wouldn't believe it, if I didn't smell it." Haymitch stated loudly, waking me suddenly.
"Go away Haymitch." I mutter, pulling the blanket higher and tighter around me. I was having a dreamless sleep which was such a rarity.
"You have a week of freedom left and you want to spend it in bed?" Haymitch asked taking a seat at the end of the bed. I closed my eyes tightly, willing him to leave.
"Don't." I say. I didn't need to be reminded of the upcoming tour.
"Your family is worried about you; you have barely left the bed or have eaten." Haymitch states gruffly and I notice that he sounds somewhat sober, which means he must be a little worried.
"Look." I say sitting up and glaring at him. "I don't try to stop you from drinking, I don't even comment on it. For me, staying in this bed is like drinking for you. This is my escape. I just want to be left alone." I tried to say it with some form of passion or just to have any infliction in my voice but instead it sounded as lifeless as I felt.
"This isn't escaping darling, you're just constantly thinking about the Games aren't you?" Haymitch murmurs softly and I look away from him and out of the window, clenching my jaw and breathing through my nose as my eyes swim with tears.
"Just go away." I manage to say, feeling his eyes on me. He stays for a second longer before getting up with a sigh.
"Before I go, perhaps you should think about visiting Hazel before the tour? She was asking after you, she misses you too." Haymitch says before walking out of the room and closing the door behind him. I collapse to the bed, and pull the pillow tight to my face before screaming as loud as I can manage feeling my hot tears stain the fabric and muffle my cries.
It took a couple more days of isolation before I finally plucked the courage to visit Hazel and the kids. I left the house early, knowing she would be up and feeding the children breakfast before going to Haymitch's house.
I wore a hood for the short travel to town, not willing to experience people recognising me again. I stood outside her door for a long moment, hearing laughter coming from inside the house, something I wasn't expecting. I took a deep breath and raised my fist ready to knock before it swung open before me. I came face to face with Peeta and cursed my luck.
"What?" I ask confused as he looked at me with wide eyes. Hazel stood behind him, her surprise evident on her face.
"I came to deliver some bread and cakes for the kids." Peeta murmured his explanation as I scowled at him; it was too weird seeing him where Gale should be.
"Thank you Peeta, we appreciate it." Hazel said warmly when she realised I wasn't going to say anything.
"You're welcome Mrs. Hawthorne." He said with a nod of his head before quickly brushing past me, murmuring my name in goodbye.
"Katniss." Hazel greeted me with a smile, ushering me in and wrapping me into her arms. "I didn't think we would see you before the tour."
"I'm sorry." I whisper lamely, having no excuse other than my grief- something she knew plenty of.
"We understand. The kids will be happy to see you." Hazel said, leading the way to the small kitchen where the kids sat at the table.
I took in the kids, who all looked bigger and healthier and wished Gale could see them. They had plates full of fresh bread and cakes from the bakery Peeta's family owned.
"I didn't realise he gives you so much." I murmur gesturing to the food as Hazel beams.
"He is a good person, and he feels a lot of guilt. When Gale." Hazel stops and looks to her children before shaking her head and willing the tears back. "Peeta came straight here in tears and apologised profusely, promised to help this family." I am shocked by Peeta's behaviour, and then feel complete guilt over how I had treated him at the train station. I make a mental note to talk to Peeta before the tour and to apologise for the way I had spoken to him.
I'm left speechless so instead I nod my head once. I look at the kids; Rory who already looks so much like Gale will be entering for his first year of the Games, the Quarter Quell no less- I shudder at thought, Vick who still has two years thank goodness then little Posy, a chubby bubbly toddler who knows nothing of the Games or why Gale isn't around any more.
"Rory, why don't you ask Katniss that question you've been meaning to ask?" Hazel prompts her son as he looks bashfully down to his hands.
"What?" I ask, hedging closer to him as he looks up with the eyes that are so much like Gale's.
"Will you teach me to hunt? Gale was going to." His voice fades and he shrugs his shoulders. My chest constricts and I close my eyes tightly before taking a breath and ruffling his dark hair.
"Of course, maybe Saturday before the tour?" I suggest gently as he looks up at me and nods his head eagerly, Hazel brushes past me and squeezes my arm in silent thanks before leaving me alone in the room with the kids. I walk to Posy and let her chubby small hands play with my fingers, turning my attention to Vick.
"You can come with us, you know?" I say as he nods his head thoughtfully.
"I didn't know you were Gale's girlfriend." He says finally, changing the subject and I shrug my shoulders.
"I don't think I was." I say simply as he narrows his eyes at me, my heart thuds with the painful memories and I realise this was why I didn't see Gale's family before, it was too hard.
"But you kissed." He persists, before a loud thump interrupts him. "Ow! Rory!" He shouts, pulling his leg up and away, rubbing at his shin.
"What was that for?" I ask as Vick begins to eat his food silently, shooting glares toward his older brother.
"We're not supposed to talk about it." Rory whispers, I bend at the waist to get closer.
"Why?" I whisper back clearly confused.
"Because Gale had a girlfriend." A voice interrupts us and I look up in surprise. Madge Undersee, the Mayor's daughter and my one time friend from school stands in the doorway, her pretty face set in a frown. "I was his girlfriend." She continues, crossing her slender arms over her pretty dress. I forget to breathe for a full minute before I gasp, a moment of clarity hitting me so hard I feel dizzy. All the times Gale and I would pick fresh fruit, how he would always choose strawberries and take them straight to the Mayor – I realised now, that they were for her.
Katniss just can't catch a break can she? How's it going people? Are you still following and enjoying my take on this? I hope you are! I apologise for any mistakes that I make, I do re-read so many times, and so slowly trying to catch myself out so my bad if there are any mistakes! I love reviews, and reading your opinions so please feel free! I'll be updating every Monday and Friday, so until then.