Chapter three:

I excuse myself as fast as I could after Madge had said that, my mind a whirl of confusion and questions, things I couldn't understand or get a grip of. Hazel had called out to me with a voice full of apology as Madge followed quickly on my heels.

"We were together for a year!" She calls out to me and I feel my stride stutter to a stop. A year? I couldn't comprehend how I didn't know this, how he kept it a secret when our free time was spent together hunting and collecting food for our families.

"You didn't know because you're so self-centred. The fact that you so easily believed everything that he said in the Arena proves it." Madge carried on, her voice full of vehemence however her eyes filling with tears betrayed her.

"Stop talking." I say, nothing made sense to me and I could have screamed from frustration. I felt my stomach drop as the realisation dawned on me, and I felt sick with embarrassment.

"He didn't volunteer for you." She continues as if she didn't hear me.

"I know." I tried to snap at her, but my voice came out tired and defeated. "He did it for his family, I know."

At this Madge rolls her eyes and rakes a hand through her light brown hair, shaking her head.

"I had you all wrong." She barks out a cold laugh of disbelief.

"What?" I ask not being able to keep up, my mind full of confusion and my chest tightening painfully.

"His family wasn't the only reason he volunteered, but don't get confused- under no circumstances did he do it for you, your volunteering was plain bad luck." She spits and I wondered where the quiet girl I had once known had went. I didn't know this Madge, the Madge that had a secret relationship with my best friend and was so spiteful. "I know all about you Katniss Everdeen. I thought about you and Gale going into the Games, and thought you'd be unstoppable together but you made him weak. You were the reason he didn't win, why he died."

I turned away from her, my hand flying to my throat while the other flew to my mouth to stifle my rising sob. I didn't need to be reminded of my failures.

"You make me sick because it was all an act, the girl who hunted and bargained at the hob is really just a vapid weak fool. You didn't have a back bone then and you never will. I have been watching you, this is the second time you have ventured into town since you came back from the Capitol, you hardly leave your house and when you do it's to see that drunk of a mentor. You're nothing Katniss Everdeen." Madge says slowly and coldly. I nod my head numbly, fully aware of those things. I was nothing; Gale deserved to have lived, not me. I lifted my hood to cover my head and began walking away and back to the Victors Village feeling relief when Madge didn't follow after me.

I stumbled through the courtyard of the Victors Village and straight to Haymitch's house, pounding on the door before letting myself in.

"Good to see you up and making a racket, sweetheart." Haymitch grumbled and I followed his voice to the living room, seeing him lying on the couch his body stretched, two empty bottles strewn on the floor.

"Did you know?" I ask him, my voice eerily calm though inside was a hurricane of emotion.

"Know what?" Haymitch drawled lazily and I pick up a bottle and throw it, sending it spiralling through the air and smashing into the wall opposite him. Shards of glass shattered noisily to the floor as Haymitch pulled himself up, making a noise of disapproval. "Woah woah woah, calm down."

"Did you know?!" I shriek again making a beeline for the other bottle, my hands itching to throw and destroy. Haymitch easily caught my weak arms and held onto me tightly.

"What's gotten into you? You're either half dead, flying into a rage or crying." Haymitch stated coldly and I force my arms away and circle them around my lean waist, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall.

"It's not fair!" I spit rubbing at my eyes.

"What is fair Katniss? You're not the first person to be put through the Games." Haymitch states throwing himself back into the plush cushions.

"Gale had a girlfriend." I mumble as Haymitch groans in exasperation.

"Well damn sweetheart, I'm sorry." Haymitch drawls, slapping the palms of his hands against his thighs.

"Damn you Haymitch." I cry, because he chose the worst time to go back to his cruel uncaring self.

"Listen here darlin, you need to toughen up because the tour starts soon and what will people think when you're bursting into tears every two minutes? I've understood and I've done everything that I can, but it ends here and stops now."

"I have no one!" I scream abruptly, the dam breaking. "I watched as Rue died right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything about it, then I watched the same thing happen to Gale! I killed people, and they will never leave me!" I jab my temple painfully my face twisted in a grimace. "I see them, whether my eyes are open or closed, they are there. I see his blood and her blood on my body and on my hands and no matter how many times I scrub myself clean, I can still see it."

"I'm sorry Katniss, I am, but you're not the only one." Haymitch muttered tiredly as I panted in anger.

"So I'm not the only one to be used by their best friend all for the sake of the Games and now never get answers as to why. I'm not the only one who lost their damn selves and everything they once loved. Damn you Haymitch," I spit out consumed with anger, turning blindly and rushing from the house, thankful that the tears that had once threatened to fall were no where to be seen.

I flew out of the house, my body trembling with anger. I looked at my own house that held my happy mother and sister and turned the other way, running straight to the forest line and climbing through the old fence. I ran as far as I could, pulling at the material of my shirt and stuffing it into my mouth- screaming as loud as I could manage. Even through the fog of my anger I knew it would do no good for my family if I were found by peacekeepers, especially now as a victor.

I collapsed to the dirty ground, my hands clawing into the soft mud and grass and grabbing viciously.

Everything had changed since the Games, and I had never felt so lost or confused. I couldn't explain my own behaviour let alone Sae's, Madge's and now Haymitch's. I had never before hated the Capitol and the Games more than in that very moment.

My body soon relaxes into the soft mud and with a pained whimper – I sob quietly, my head throbbing with the onslaught of opposing emotions and confusion.

I resolve silently to myself that these will be the last tears I will shed, the last time I turn to anyone for comfort. I would rebuild myself somehow; I would be like the Mockingjay that was so dearly loved by Rue. I would fight to survive in a world that wanted me dead. I would persevere my will to live, fight for it to be stronger than my urge to die.

Authors Note: Poor Katniss can't get a break! Hope you like this Chapter, I had to post it today because its my mama's birthday tomorrow and it will be hectic! I apologise for any mistakes I make, I re-read like mad but these things happen! I love having reviews so feel free, please! Hope you enjoyed. Until next time which will be next Friday, I'm super busy and am writing like mad so until then.