"Don't get too close it's dark inside it's where my demons hide"-Imagine Dragons
He was sitting at the bar with Shaw having a drink, well he was having a drink, she was having a bottle. They had a particularly rough number today that had taken them to D.C. and back to New York in less than 20 hours. Their number had been a former soldier turned CIA lap dog. Turns out the number was just like he and Shaw. They all bought the "for your country" bit and were rewarded for their service with a bullet. The number had managed to escape and fall off the grid and become a nameless nobody living halfway across the world. Until the CIA decided that he was a liability that needed to be permanently dealt with. So the CIA came for him and killed his wife and three year old child in the process. Long story short the number made his way state side and got his revenge. His rampage finally ended in non-descript government building. John could have stopped him before he killed his former handler, but he didn't. The part of him that wanted the man to succeed in destroying the people who were responsible for his family's death won out, especially after what the handler said.
Before his death the handler told the number that people like him dug their own graves. That he knew what he was signing up for when he signed his life away to them. He told the number that his family's death was on his hands that they were collateral damage as a result of his past.
His thoughts were brought back to the bar when his phone vibrated. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw that it was Joss texting him asking if he was okay. Harold must have told her what happened. He texted her back telling her he was fine.
His eyes drifted to the mirror behind the bar, he hated looking at himself sometimes. He hated when he could see the demons inside trying to make their way to the surface to remind him of the things he has done.
He looked downed at his phone again as Joss texted him telling him to come over. He knew he shouldn't go over, not like this, he didn't want her to see him like this. He wanted to shelter her from the beast that was lurking inside of him. He didn't want to snuff out her light with the darkness that was always threatening to consume what was left of his soul. But as he made his way out of the bar his feet carried him to her place.
He was selfish and greedy. He wanted to be near her, wanted her to hold him. He wanted her to look into his eyes and no matter what she saw, to tell him that she would always love him. She was his savior and he needed her to save him from the darkness and pull him into the light.