A/N Intala; I can't tell you how much I appreciate your review, I've written a crazy long answer for you which I've put at the end of this, I hope I don't scare you off, I really want to explain and I couldn't shorten it...

Please let me know what you think?

This is based around the song 'Hallelujah' by Leonard Cohen. The song is beautiful in any of it's versions but I cannot get over the version sung by Raul Esparza on youtube. He lives the song, I love his voice, I love his passion...its raw emotion. The line that inspired me is

'It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah'

"He's dead, Rafael. Harris is dead. He can't hurt me anymore."

He nods sadly, knowing that this fact brings more upset than comfort.

"Lowell Harris can't hurt anyone anymore, Liv."

I just nod, knowing it's true but finding no safety or solace in it.

He takes my hand in his, softly kissing it, trying to comfort and reassure me, before we leave the precinct.

As I sit hunched in the passenger seat, streets flying by me, unseen, unnoticed, I start to dissect my conversation with Fin. I can't believe that I didn't realize how much he has been hurting all this time. I was too wrapped up in myself, to see how he felt. I hate that he felt guilty; there was nothing for him to feel guilty about, he saved me. When I had given up, he hadn't.

I should have tried to talk more about he felt, instead of hijacking the conversation for myself. Oh god, why did I tell him all that?

I never wanted him to know I felt like that. How is he going to come to work tomorrow and trust me to do my job? How will he ever look at me without thinking how I was getting ready to let Harris rape me? It was bad enough when he thought I had fought him off with all my might, but lost...now he knows that when I lost I was just sitting there waiting...

I almost said that I wished Lewis and Harris raped me, what was I thinking? It might be how I feel, but it's not something anyone needs to hear. It's definitely not something you say, out loud, to an SVU detective you expect to take orders from you tomorrow on how to deal with rape victims.

And possibly the worst bit, what secrets does he think I am keeping? Does he think I let Lewis rape me and get away with it? What kind of person does he think I am?

Oh god...

Oh no...

He knows what type of person I am, he knows I let one attacker walk, why not a second one?

How can I fix this?

Maybe that's why he didn't want to talk to me anymore? Maybe I disgusted him so much that he couldn't wait to get away from me?

I fight desperately to hold on to the last of my resolve, I cannot stop my face from dropping, I can't stop the pain my face is telegraphing but I refuse to allow my tears to take over. It feels like it is all I have done for too long. I won't allow myself to spend another night crying on this man's shoulder.

I can hear Rafael questioning me, as he sees my face, asking frantically "What's wrong? What has happened? What are you thinking, Liv?" as he quickly pulls the car into a parking space outside my home. He stops the car, immediately turning to me, pleading with me to tell him what has caused the pain he can see so clearly etched on my face.

His arms reach for me but I shake my head, refusing his efforts to comfort me, pushing my body up against the door. I want, more than anything, to just surrender to his embrace, to allow him to comfort me but I need to keep the last vestiges of control. He doesn't react, just nods and puts his hands down on his knees, but his eyes never leave me as his voice soothingly tells me "It's ok, Liv. You're ok. He's gone. Nobody is going to hurt you. What has upset you? Tell me? You can tell me anything...?"

"I'm ok..." my shaky voice doesn't even convince me, but he is too kind to call me on the obvious lie, he just follows my lead as I gather my things and head up towards my apartment.

I know that Rafael is taking his cues from me, allowing me to feel in control, when so much else seems to be spinning out of my control; he is trying to help restore some sense of power back to me.

He allows me to lead the way, with a gentle hand on my lower back, making sure I can feel his presence, his support. I know he is there to protect me, to support me, but I appreciate that he isn't smothering me.

As we enter my home, he throws his things on a nearby chair, looking around the room for Lucy, for Noah. Lucy peeks out from Noah's room when she hears the door, "Hey Liv, sorry he didn't sleep well during the day, he's just gone down...".

I feel horrible even thinking it, but much as I want to hold my baby boy to my chest and not let him go, I can't deal with him now. I have nothing to give him. He will feel my upset, I never understood it before Noah, but now I know that young kids feel their parents' emotions. I don't want to upset him and I don't think I could deal with a cranky toddler. I'm sure everyone would understand, but I feel like the worst mother on the planet, I feel selfish, I feel like a bad person...

"That's ok, Lucy, don't worry. Thank you..."

She smiles widely at Rafael as he helps her into her jacket, smiling again, over at me, as she takes her leave, promising to be back nice and early in the morning to allow me get a jump on the paperwork that always manages to accumulate as the days of the week tick by.

I force a weak smile to my face, thanking her as I close and lock my door, pulling the safety chain across.

"Would you like me to make some tea?", Rafael asks thoughtfully, starting towards my small kitchen.

I shake my head, reaching out, taking his hand and leading him to the couch, gesturing for him to sit before curling into him. He sighs contentedly as he turns until his legs stretch out along the length of it and I stretch out along with him. I'm lying between his legs, my head resting comfortably on chest, his arms wrapped tightly around me.

"How do you feel Liv?" he asks tenderly, his hand reaching up to stroke my hair.

"Empty...not nothing, not in shock, just empty...like there's nothing to feel..."

His head dips down and he softly kisses my hair, "I'm sorry Liv..."

"It doesn't feel right...I won't ever have to deal with his release, but I won't ever get to confront him either..."

"Would you like to have confronted him?"

"That's the strange thing, I don't think I would ever have done it, I don't think he could ever say anything that would help, I think it would only have upset me but somehow losing the option... hurts..."

He doesn't try to fill the silence, he doesn't ask a lot of questions, he just lets me feel safe in his arms, as he softly strokes my hair.

I try to clear my mind. To not think about it all. It doesn't work, shadows lurk around somewhere in the back of my mind. So I go completely the opposite way, I concentrate hard, on the subject, "Harris"...like an essay discussion question, on a school test paper...but the shadows are still indistinct, too distant to identify, no closer than when I tried to deny them... There is no closure to be found, nothing has ended, his death has changed nothing.

"What upset you when we driving back?" he asks softly, trying to open the door on the conversation without pushing.

I struggle to find a way to explain to him.

"I'm sorry Rafael. I never really talked to Fin, properly, about...Sealview. We started to talk today but...I didn't know how guilty he felt...I didn't ever want to talk to him about what happened before, I was so selfish, I didn't see how it affected him, he always had my back, he kept my secret...I realized that we needed to talk, that it was so long overdue...but it was hard...I know I can talk to Fin, but it felt a little forced, rushed...like there was a timer on it and we would only have one chance... I said things I shouldn't have. He must think I'm crazy. He knows I'm keeping secrets...but there's so much that we didn't say...so much that I wanted to say, wanted to ask...it just didn't feel ...finished..."

I can feel him nod behind me, "It can't have been easy..."

I know he's trying to be supportive but he doesn't seem to understand how badly I screwed this up.

"No Rafael, it wasn't just unfinished...he stopped the conversation, he brought me back downstairs...I'm so scared of what he thinks of me...I said things I should never have said...they just popped out of my mouth, I didn't plan to say them..."

He can feel my agitation as I wriggle slightly, against him, he just calmly talks to me, soothing me with his voice "Fin really cares about you Liv. He wants to help, he wouldn't think badly of you because of something you said. You can always talk to him if you need to clarify something...It's ok...he just looked sad and upset for you, when I saw him...Tell me what happened?"

I reach for his hands, taking them in mine. He squeezes back tightly, his thumbs stroking my fingers gently. He doesn't seem the least bit bothered as I curl myself even tighter into him.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm all over the place, and I'm giving you mixed signals, 'don't hug me' then 'do hug me'..."

He pulls me tighter to him, "Liv, I couldn't care less about mixed signals, I just want to do anything I can, to help or make this easier...I understand that you must be very confused...this can't be easy news to hear...I understand that when you feel certain things, you don't want to be touched, that's ok, it's perfectly understandable...I'm here for whatever you need. Tell me what happened with Fin?"

He moves a little to the side, to where he can look into my eyes, to where I can read his expressions, he cups my face in his hands, wiping the few tears I couldn't stop, away with his thumbs as he asks about Fin, and I can see in his eyes, he means every word he has just said to me.

"I hate that it feels I'm always taking from you Rafael..."

He shakes his head "Tell me about Fin?" he encourages.

"I told him things I shouldn't have said...like when he came in and saved me, I didn't expect he would be able to help me, I was waiting to be raped...I didn't want it, it was just going to happen..."

I can see his pain at my words, written clearly on his face, "Ok, that doesn't sound like something you shouldn't say, it sounds like something very hard to admit...what did he say?"

I close my eyes trying to remember his words, "He told me that it made sense, I was protecting myself...that I was already mentally suffering it... he understood?!"

He just nods encouragingly at me, his beautiful green eyes filled with sadness as he waits for me to continue.

"I told him how... I feel...like a...fraud..."

As I confess these words for only, the second time, my voice is almost silent, the last word almost lost.

Rafael looks like he has just been punched. I can almost see a physical impact to my words. The pain on his face has ratcheted up a couple of notches and his eyes can't hope to hide the tears. He swallows deeply.

"I'm sorry Rafael, you don't need to hear this." I try to disentangle myself from him, but he won't allow it. His hand pulls my chin back until his eyes find mine again.

"No Liv. I hate that you have suffered this. I hate Harris and Lewis for what they have done. They disgust me. Yes, when you say things like this I feel pain, but I want to understand. I need to be able to share this pain with you. I hate that you went through all this. I hate that you feel this way. But you need to know that just because you feel like a fraud, nobody else sees you like that. Nobody else feels that what you suffered is somehow less than anything else...I think I know more than most people about what you went through with Lewis?"

I nod tightly, unsure where he is going with this.

"And Fin knows more than nearly anyone about what you suffered with Harris?"

Again I nod my agreement.

"He understood the impact this news would have on you, he wanted to soften the blow as much as he could. He has been doing this job much longer than I have, I'm sure he understands... And from my experience with Fin he says an awful lot in few words, and he knows when not to push..."

I consider his words carefully. His description of Fin is pretty accurate. He instinctively seems to know when to push a victim for more detail or when to back off and change his approach.

I try to remember what we were talking about just before he ended the conversation...he told me Barba was looking for me.

He had seen him when he came looking for me before that though, so why did he tell me about him then? What were we talking about before that?

My secrets...

Could he have known how scared I was at that question? Could he have known I wasn't really trying to close the sweatshirt when I pulled away from him? He asked was I cold?...But as we started to move, he said we'd better move before I got cold...

I nearly laugh as I realize how ridiculous it was to believe he wouldn't know what I was doing...Fin sees everything.

His last words to me were an offer to talk, anytime...

"He wasn't ending the conversation because he didn't want to talk anymore, he ended it...for me...I was getting uncomfortable..."

'And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah'

The green eyes watching me lighten, as Rafael smiles at me.

"It feels wrong to say but something like this,... it's hard to talk about,... even for us..." his words are hesitant, he is worried I may not understand what he is trying to say, so it means even more, that he has said them. I reach my arms around him tightly hugging him to me.

'No it's a cold and it's a very broken Hallelujah'

"Somehow we expect more from ourselves..." I softly finish for him.

And just like that, the panic that I had somehow disgusted Fin, that I had said too much, is eased. He made sure his last words were an offer to continue the conversation we had just started. I was being impatient, I thought we could have one, long overdue, conversation but of course Fin knew better...

'There's a blaze of light

In every word

It doesn't matter which you heard

The holy or the broken Hallelujah'

The conversation that felt forced, rushed and ultimately unfinished, wasn't a friendship ruining, mistake. It was a difficult attempt to start a dialogue. It felt forced, because I was sharing information I didn't want to share, I didn't mean to share. This is always hard to talk about, this is not something that even we, with all our experience in dealing with sexual assault, know how to deal with. This is not another case, this is our own lives.

"I don't think it changes anything..." my voice is quiet, calm, even, no hint of the upset and tears that had filled some of my earlier statements. Coming completely out of nowhere, I know he has absolutely no chance of knowing what I am talking about.

"I know I should feel angry, he cheated the system by dying, I know I should feel relieved that he won't ever get out, I know I should feel like this an end, like his death finishes something...but I don't feel any of it..."

"So how do you feel?" he asks.

"Broken...I hate that I feel like this...It feels like I've been broken for so long that it's become normal."

A/N

Intala; I am so glad that you are so invested in this story. I really appreciate that you read it so carefully. The part, you rightly noticed, I copied from my earlier work was done for a couple of reasons, I think it is one of the worst things Lewis did to her. I know it's only words but wow, the effect of those words...I tried to communicate how the burns and torn flesh healed so much quicker than the emotional pain. I'm VERY not finished with that idea and I wanted this story to stand alone, so readers aren't forced to refer to my previous story or miss something I feel is important, also this paragraph is a direct paraphrasing of Lewis' words to her as he took her to where he was holding Amelia Cole. I didn't allow his words directly because I feel somehow, the fact that she has turned his venom into her own words is important, it's another subtle indication of his effects, how she is completely accepting his words, to the point that they are becoming hers. If it hadn't been directly from the show I wouldn't have repeated it. It's not something I plan on doing again though. I have to admit to kindda skimming it vaguely when I proof read ...:)

I LOVE that you believe Fin sees everything, I so agree. I'm so glad you saw that he would know what she did when she pulled away from his hand. I wanted to keep it really subtle, because their conversation is nowhere near done, there is so much more to say, he knows how vulnerable she is, he wouldn't make a big deal of it, no more than he made a big deal of telling her he checked on her a couple of times before going up to her. I'm so glad you felt it wasn't finished, that it wasn't quite right... I know from personal experience that this kind of conversation continues over many sittings, and as you leave one part, you start going through things you should have said, or not said, worrying about whether what you said was understood as you meant it and what the other party meant when they said...I hope this chapter starts to convey that. I love SVU so much but it is TV, they wrap everything up in a bow, too easily, for me, life is much more unfinished, I'm just trying to show that a bit I suppose. My interpretation of the big 'long overdue talk' and the jump back inside is that she started to distance herself when Fin asked if she got the help she needed after whatever secrets she kept about Lewis, she was scared and trying to interpret what he was really asking, I believe Fin would know not to push...he gave her a way out, he told her Barba had been up looking for her, I believe Fin understands that Barba gives her something different to what he gives her and he understands she needs both. It was supposed to feel sudden, because her defenses were down and he didn't want to push her too hard...I think this will all come out clearly in time in the story...? Since you have read my other story, I know you will understand when I say that I want this to be more real...I don't want to just write the same situations again...So does hearing my intentions help or do you think I should make some changes? I cannot tell you how much your reviews mean, you are the only person to review and I appreciate it so much that you feel so much connection to the characters. Please keep telling me what you think?