A/N Intala; I cannot explain how much your comments mean to me. I'm so glad where I am going seems to make some sense. I love Barba so much... I completely understand what you mean about it feeling like more of a memory when the words are changed more, I'm definitely going to think about that more as I refer to the past. As I said this was the only thing I needed to bring forward in its entirety so hopefully it shouldn't be an issue again but I really appreciate it...Thank you so much.

HueyFree 12; a million thank you's...

This one uses the song 'Hurt' by Nine Inch Nails, although the version I'm listening to is Johnny Cash,in particular the line, which I think sums up this chapter so well...

'Full of broken thoughts'

"So how do you feel?" he asks.

"Broken...I hate that I feel like this...It feels like I've been broken for so long that it's become normal."

Not for the first time, there are no words. I know he wants to tell me it's not true, to tell me I'm not broken but he can't...because I am.

I know I shouldn't, but I can't help wondering why he is here? I have nothing to give him... even the obvious, is just not going to happen.

I can't help but wonder if he is just being patient. He's a nice guy, that's what nice guys do, isn't it? They patiently wait...

The problem will start, when he realizes that no amount of patience is going to be enough. When he realizes that time has passed, and nothing has changed. How long will he be willing to be such a gentleman then?

He may be happy to chastely, lie on my couch now, his body pulled closely against mine, but how long before the pleasant contact becomes unbearable teasing, a taster of something that will never be on offer?

I allow myself to relax into him, safe in his arms, savoring his innocent touch, his smell, trying to remember every detail, as I know this cannot last.

My eyes drift closed as I try to imprint the memory on my mind, of his soft breathing, his regularly rising chest, his relaxed embrace...

The sound is the first thing I am conscious of, afterwards I may recognize it as banging pipes, or something trailing, clattering, up or down the stairs, or a million different reasonably explained noises, but in that semi waking state, there is only one thing it could possibly be...It is a baton banging along against a chain link fence.

My eyes snap open.

The darkness of the room, further increasing my panic, as shadows dance vaguely around some indistinct furniture.

I'm being restrained somehow, I can feel a warm body pressed against mine.

Arms...it's a set of arms holding me down...

"No...please don't...get off me..."

As the words start to slip from my lips, my body is fighting for freedom, pushing against the arms, elbowing the body, struggling to get my legs free and onto the ground.

I break out of his hold, gasping, panting as I try to get away, to get anything I can use to stop him...reaching around frantically, for something, anything, to defend myself.

A light flicks on.

I try to cover my eyes, desperate not to lose him in the flare, as my eyes struggle to adapt to the sudden brightness.

My sleep hazy brain vaguely recognizes the partly illuminated figure, but is too busy scrambling, uncoordinatedly, across the space, to care.

My hand stumbles across a vase, which I grasp tightly, raising it above my head, ready to use it, as best I can, to protect myself...

"Liv...it's ok..."

No! This time I'm going to fight, this time I won't be so easily beaten.

"Liv...it's ok...you're in your apartment, you're safe..."

My arm starts to lower, the vase still clasped tightly in my hand.

"You're safe in your apartment Liv,...it's Rafael,...I'm not going to hurt you..."

The familiar figure comes more into focus, his hands are low, stretched out, palms down, in front of him. He looks dazed.

My heart is still thudding dangerously fast, but I recognize this is Rafael Barba. I hesitantly scan the space; this is my apartment.

I stumble slightly, falling to the floor. He starts to stand, to move towards me, but the renewed fear on my face is enough to make him stop.

"I'm just going to turn on the light Liv..." he gestures gently to the switch, moving slowly towards it, careful to keep his distance.

The explosion of light forces me to close my eyes. As I slowly open them again, he is still at the switch, he hasn't moved.

The burst of adrenaline that fuelled my panic, is starting to ebb into a trickle, as I start to comprehend fully, that I am safely in my apartment, and the body that so terrified me, was Rafael.

As my ragged breathing slows, I realize it was a nightmare.

Something about my posture must alert him to my growing realization, as he carefully moves towards me, kneeling in front of me.

"Liv, you're ok. It was a nightmare?"

His intended statement comes out more like a question as he tries to understand what happened. I lightly nod my confirmation.

As the after-effects of my panicked flight from danger, continue to fade, I look carefully at him. His own panic is clear in his eyes, his face is warped into a confused, shocked mask. As he reaches for my hand the panic is replaced by worry and concern. I see something indistinct flicker across his features.

"It was Harris, wasn't it?"

As he swallows deeply at my tiny nod, his lips curl inwards and his brow furrows, and his eyes show nothing but pity.

All I want is to fall back into his arms but I find myself, instead, shouting at him...

"I don't need your pity!"

He looks slightly shocked at my outburst, for a second, "I know Liv, I don't pity you...I'm sad that you have to feel this..."

I shake my head at him, "Yeah well you don't have to be here to see it"

I know as I'm saying it, it's not fair, but I can't stop it. I see him rub his face, tiredly trying to figure out how he should answer me, his hand stretching up through his rumpled hair.

"I'm sorry Liv. I didn't mean to scare you. I should have thought..."

His words, send me over the edge, into full blown rage...

"Yeah you should have thought...I'm so broken, that it was inevitable I'd go nuts and ruin your night's sleep...well you won't have to worry about it anymore, will you? Now you've seen the full floor show...! And there's no point being patient anymore, I'm not sleeping with you... so just move on!"

The words are only out of my mouth, and I desperately want to pull them back in. I see his face fall in shock. His eyes cannot contain the hurt he is feeling. He sits back onto the floor, his hand stroking his face.

He frowns, looking carefully at me, thinking deeply.

I know I have ruined everything now. I can't allow him to see how much I don't want him to go, how sorry I am, it's too late...

"Just go..." I spit, standing and moving away from him.

"No Liv. I'm not going anywhere!" he rasps. Softly clearing his throat he stands to his feet. "NO!" he repeats.

I step back towards him, angry that he isn't listening to me.

"Rafael, I told you to leave my home."

He reaches for me but I step away from him.

"Liv, I know you're scared. I know you're hurting. I can only imagine what you were dreaming to wake up in such a state...I know you feel vulnerable, I know you don't want to get hurt, I know you're pushing me away...If you want to shout at me until your voice is hoarse,... if it makes you feel any better, then go ahead...I'm not leaving."

I just look at him. I can't quite believe what he is saying.

"Do you really think I'm just here because I want to sleep with you?"

It is impossible to miss the deep hurt he feels at this accusation. His words are tentative, soft, pleading...

I try to swallow hard, to maintain my mask of anger, but it is no use, my anger is gone, replaced by regret and self-loathing, for my thoughtless, cruel, words.

I understand how I have lashed out aimlessly, and unintentionally hurt him, deeply.

As if I didn't feel bad enough about myself, I now feel completely worthless. I have no idea how to fix what I have done. If it can, even be fixed?

I bite down on my bottom lip determined not to exacerbate the situation even further by crying.

"Liv, do you really think I'm just here because I want to sleep with you?"

This time his question is softer, gentle, but no less sincere.

I know he will not let this go, I know he wants an answer. No, he needs an answer...

'I will let you down

I will make you hurt'

I worry my lips. My teeth scraping over them as I struggle to find words and keep the tears at bay. All I can do is shake my head. As I start its sideways motion, I find it becomes more and more insistent with every shake, until my feelings are as clear and unequivocal as any words could ever hope to make them, and my head continuously swings left and right. My face crumples as the tears battle for escape, I bite harder as my teeth scratch across my lips.

I see relief on his face as he understands I really don't think he is here for that reason, his arms reach out to me, pulling me tightly into him.

"Liv, it's ok...it's ok..."

His hand reaches up to my face, caressing my cheek tenderly, stopping my head's motion, his thumb stroking my reddening lips, "you'll hurt yourself, Liv, please..."

'I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real'

As I stop the action that is upsetting him, the tears win through, starting a steady flow down my cheeks. He snakes his two arms snugly around my body, resting his forehead against mine and just allows me to cry. I cry tears for myself, for Rafael, for Fin, for the partners I wish were both here, for all the empty seats...

'What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end'

After what feels like hours, I have no more tears. I see that his face is streaked where his tears made their own path down his cheeks. Without thinking I kiss each of his cheeks.

"Rafael, I'm so sorry..."

He shakes his head softly, "I know Liv. You lashed out, I understand...I would just hate for you to think I'm only here..."

I can't bear for him to say those words again so I put my finger to his lips, stilling them.

"I don't Rafael...truly. I guess I was thinking about it before I went to sleep, and it kindda found its way out of my mouth...You have been so understanding, so patient, I'm just worried that I may not be ready..."

'Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear'

"Liv, we're still finding each other..."

Somehow the fact that he doesn't dismiss my concerns as a non-issue or tell me he doesn't care, gives me immense hope, he is being honest with me, and maybe we can deal with it...

He starts to fidget, wiggling around a little. I raise a questioning eyebrow at him.

"In the interest of full disclosure Liv, I think I should admit that I do want to sleep with you...not now, but at some point..."

His disclosure is so uncharacteristically shy, he is almost embarrassed at his own words, I am overcome by the simple, beauty of the gesture.

I feel that familiar warmth stir somewhere deep inside me. It surprises me.

Completely unselfconsciously, confidently, I bring my lips to his. Pressing them to his, my tongue slowly tracing his lips, roaming into his mouth as his lips part for me. Our tongues start to duel, as we lean further into each other. Surprising us both, I pull his shirt loose, running my hands up his skin. I gently stroke the skin of his back, his sides, and up to his chest as he moves slightly to allow me access. I reluctantly break our kiss, pulling my shirt from where it is tucked into my pants, taking his hands and placing them under it, onto the bare skin of my waist. I lean back into him, kissing him again, my tongue searching his, as my hands slide back under his shirt. I can feel him tentatively moving his fingers, gently circling the skin beneath them, slowly sliding his hands up then, down my sides. As his hands slide across my stomach, I know he can feel the ugly raised scars Lewis left, but he doesn't try to avoid them, he treats them as part of me. As his teeth nip softly at my bottom lip he slides his hands up slowly, giving me every opportunity to stop him. His fingers gently caress the skin just below my breasts as he breaks our kiss, looking to me for permission. I smile my consent, sliding my hands down his back, down the back of his pants, pulling him back into me, resuming our kiss. His hands slowly continue their exploration, gently stroking my chest. The scars that mar my skin, that still disgust me, are all but forgotten, by both of us, as his fingers move over me. I know he hasn't seen them, that it's easier to ignore them, when you aren't confronted by their ugliness. He neither, avoids them or treats them as something special. I try not to remember how Brian tried to avoid the marks littering my body, how every scar seemed to burn as his touch carefully avoided them, unintentionally marking every one, in his avoidance.

This is the furthest things have gone between us, but it feels natural, and we are both enjoying it. I'm surprised, that it is under these circumstances, I have allowed, no... initiated, this progression, but there is no regret, no fear. I am comfortable. I feel a small hint of who I used to be, come through, in this unplanned, simple, action. I am surprised that it is happening today, but it was such a natural thing, that I don't even worry it is some sort of stupid reaction to the day's news. I wanted to touch him... have him touch me... The scars are not stopping me from enjoying the feel of his gentle, touch on my skin. I can't even begin to contemplate how far I am willing to allow this to progress, or how I will know when to stop it. For once, in uncharacteristic recklessness, I just enjoy the moment, trusting that I will know when I reach my limit, knowing that he will respect it.

As he gradually, breaks our kiss, he sighs, stilling his hands on my waist, stepping back slightly, the smirk I have come to love, gracing his flushed face.

"As much as I am really enjoying this Liv, we should probably get some sleep..."

I try to pout my irritation at the interruption, to him, but find myself laughing, instead, at the rueful expression that accompanies his happy smirk.

I know that he is worried I will feel his body reacting to what we are doing, and his discrete, thoughtfulness really means a lot to me. He didn't treat me like I am broken, he happily followed my lead, allowing me to advance things, but still protected me from inadvertently, wandering into territory that, particularly today, could make me feel even worse. I carefully curl myself into his side, wrapping my arms around him.

He kisses my hair as I rest my head on his shoulder.

"Sleep! Liv..." he reminds me laughing.

"Rafael, would it be too much if I asked you to sleep beside me?" I look at him carefully as I ask this question.

He hesitates, "I don't know Liv, I'm worried I might scare you...you already woke up..."

I can see it's not that he doesn't want to, it doesn't seem to be that he feels it would be too teasing, he seems to be genuinely worried about me.

"I know, you're right. It wasn't you, I was afraid of when I woke, I just didn't know..."

"I know that, I know you weren't afraid of me but I don't want it to happen again...it hurt me to see you so scared...and after today..."

"After today, I want to feel you beside me...it was...it was your arms wrapped around my front, it felt like someone was holding me down" I can't help the way my arms cross my body, mirroring the comforting embrace that so terrified me in my nightmare filled semi-waking state.

I see him nod slowly, "So maybe if you curled into my side?"

I smile widely, moving into him, taking his hand and leading him to my bedroom.

It feels like such a small victory against the background of the day's news, and failures, but it is a victory. I know I'm desperately hurt and still pretty broken, well maybe slightly less broken than I thought, after that impromptu, little make-out session...

As he lies on his back and I curl carefully into him, both of us a little disheveled, but still fully dressed, he takes my hand, kissing it softly before moving it to his chest.

"Goodnight Liv..."

I settle down to sleep, feeling a strange relief now, when I remember he is dead. He may continue to occasionally haunt a dream, his effects may still be felt today, but he really, cannot hurt me again. None of the scenarios of his release, I have been so afraid of, can ever come true...

'If I could start again

A million miles away

I will keep myself

I would find a way'