A/N: I am so shamefully sorry this has taken so long. This semester really did a number on me mentally and it has taken some time to regain my inspiration. I also started a new full time job that has crazy hours and I think I'm finally adjusted. But still, I am sorry this has taken so long. This chapter is a little different since its setting up ch. 5. I hope you enjoy it! :))
As he lay on the beach, he read her mind, breaking the one promise he'd managed to keep. He saw the few times they were together and his heart broke at how easily she fell under Erik's spell. He told her she was beautiful, he told her not to hide – to be proud of who and what she was. Was that all it would have taken to keep Raven at his side? Did so few words in the course of a few weeks really have the power to undo all the love and support he'd given her in the past decade?
How many times had she come to him self-conscious, questioning her beauty? How many times had he dismissed her? How many times did he tell her to hide as if she had something to be ashamed of? Surely she would know how flawless she was – how gorgeous. He must've told her at least once that she was a unique and exquisite creation, precious and priceless in his eyes. Hadn't he? But for all his searching, he couldn't find a single instance.
It was a cruel realization that he had in fact belittled her, invalidated her emotions and ignored her fears, rolling his eyes as he told her she was being ridiculous. For so long he'd been so focused on keeping her physically safe, fearing that he had sheltered her too much. It never occurred to him that she was emotionally vulnerable. He practically pushed her into Erik's arms, leaving her wide open to his manipulations. It was all his fault. He kept her under his thumb as though she couldn't make her own decisions when she was stronger than she could possibly know. But he did know. He always knew.
Was this why Erik told him of Hank and Raven? So that he could move in when she was upset and vulnerable? It was all too convoluted – first it was Hank, then him, and now Erik. Raven couldn't love all of them. In some twisted way it pleased him to know that she hadn't been lying when she told him she loved him, which is why this hurt so much more. She was just using Erik to get what she needed – what she thinks she wants. Erik was far too old for her, and Charles had every intention of putting an end to it as soon as this was all over.
Then the bullet pierced his skin, lodging deep in his vertebrae. His screams were foreign to his own ears, having never experienced anything so excruciating. It all happened too quickly – hitting the ground, sand grating against his face, Erik falling behind him and removing the bullet. And the pain stopped, as did all the sensation in his legs. His eyes were finally opened to how truly far gone Erik was, how foolish he was to believe that Erik could or would ever let go of what Shaw did to him.
Yet when Raven knelt beside him and took his hand, he didn't tell her to stay away from Erik. He didn't tell her to stay because now he needed her more than ever and she owed it to him. Raven owed him nothing. He was terrified, he can't ever remember a time he was more frightened than at the prospect of losing Raven, knowing he was paralyzed. It wouldn't be right to lay the burden of his care on her shoulders, not now when she was finally discovering who she was always meant to be.
"Go, it's what you want." Were the words he said instead.
"You promised you would never read my mind."
"I promised you a great many things I'm afraid." He kissed her gloved hand, the only kiss he would allow himself. She leaned forward, kissing his forehead just as he had done to her more times than he could count. He stifled his tears, not wanting her to see him so weak; broken. Then they were gone – they were all gone. And despite that he was surrounded by his friends, he'd never felt more alone.
Moira was a liability as long as she worked for the CIA. She was better off without him anyway. He didn't want anyone except Raven, and he needed to be single when she returned. All he could do was hope. Hope that Raven remembered the way home. Hope that she didn't doubt he was waiting for her, ready to forgive her and beg her forgiveness. But the days after Cuba turned to weeks, the weeks blended into months. Then the war came just a year after she left and all his students were gone.
There was no word of her whereabouts, no phone calls to let him know she was happy. No postcards to let him know she lived. It was as if she fell off the face of the earth, as though she never existed as the joy of his life. The gaping hole in his life and his heart may be the only proof that Raven ever existed. He couldn't even blame her, she'd been nothing but open and honest, and he dismissed her. There was no one else to blame.
His hope was renewed full force when Erik was arrested in the aftermath of the JFK assassination. Without Erik's hold over her, without his poisonous influence, Raven would be free to come home. It would finally be his chance to tell her he loved her. He didn't even care that she had ignored him for so long; he'd overlook all of it if it meant seeing her again. Another year passed and then another.
For those few years as Raven matured, he always told himself her defiance was a phase, that she would go back to the sweet, innocent Raven he loved. Five months was a phase, five years is a statement. A blatant and unapologetic slap in the face. Hope began to fade into a seething bitterness, nurtured by alcohol and Hank's serum. He didn't even have the voices of others to crowd his mind and drowned out the thoughts of "She's gone. She's never coming back."
They don't talk about her anymore. What more was there to say? They were both fools. They both let her out of their lives without a fight. He had given up – given up on ever seeing her again, given up the school, he'd given up on his life. Charles could no longer bring himself to care. The alcohol couldn't numb him enough to escape the constant pain of her absence. He stopped speaking her name as if that would erase her for good. Only Hank remained with him, standing by faithfully, aiding him in slowly destroying himself.
When Logan – that mutant from the future – had shown up, Charles ignored the way his heart leapt at the mention of her name. He acted as though he didn't care that she was alive, that she was the cause of their annihilation, that she needed help. And as he pushed the serum into his veins, he almost had himself convinced that he didn't care. But denying his feelings is how he lost her in the first place, and perhaps this was his one chance to get her back. Yet when they finally found her, he ran to her side. She could barely speak, but she smiled to see him, his name on her lips was the first time he felt truly alive in a decade.
His heart swelled and he promised that he would never again be so foolish, that she would be safe with him once more. And for one precious moment, he had everything – Erik working by his side, Raven's hand was in his and he thought they could go back. Then Raven's ominous voice shattered his reverie, and he turned to see Erik with a gun. He had no power to protect her, all his promises broken in the blink of an eye. Then the gun went off and he screamed as she went crashing out a window and out of his life once more. Again, he failed her. Again, he was unaware of her whereabouts and whether she was dead or alive.
He was ready to give up, it was all too much. It was just too hard. Then on his trip to the future in the mind of Logan, he glimpsed what was in store for him. But Raven wasn't there. He wanted no part of a future that didn't have Raven in it. Everything hinged on finding her and stopping her. And to do that, he needed his powers.
It wasn't until he appeared to her in the airport that he understood why she left, why she couldn't come home. All she ever wanted was acceptance and freedom. He had only accepted her with conditions – as long as she behaved in the way he saw fit. And freedom, well, she was never too far from his side. He suffocated her with rules and his own fears. He loved and accepted Raven, but Erik accepted and loved Mystique.
With his eyes finally open and his mind clear of alcohol and drugs, now he is certain that he could give her everything she wanted – his unconditional acceptance, his unending love, and her freedom to make her own choices.
"Professor, the students are waiting…" came Hank's voice.
"Tell them I'll be along in just a moment…" Hank smiled with a nod and left.
Charles watched out the window of his study for a moment longer, keeping an eye on the long, winding driveway for her return. Months had passed since she saved the life of a president, since he watched her walk out of his life again. But for the first time in a decade he had hope again, hope that any day now, she would find her way home.
Raven had forgotten many things, mostly the things that were too painful to call to mind. Charles Xavier was not one of those things, if anything, her thoughts focused on him in a way that she was sure wasn't healthy. Her heart was torn, caught between two lives, two loves, two versions of herself that were at opposite ends of the spectrum. But they weren't really – she was Raven and Mystique, she loved Charles and Erik, or at least she thought she did. He was, after all, prepared to sacrifice her in order to ensure mutants survival.
It was then that Raven knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Erik loved the cause more than he ever claimed to love her. His blood thirst for vengeance had gotten him – gotten them all – in trouble more than once. Charles came to help her, Erik came to kill her. For years she has battled her inner demons, the voices in her head that tell her she wouldn't be welcomed home. But if nothing else, Charles' presence in Paris proved her wrong.
Leaving Charles on the sand in Cuba, taking hold of Erik's hand as she let go of his, was a decision that she equally stood by and regretted almost every day since it happened. She had been so angry at him. For a time, perhaps, she even hated him. But though he was badly wounded and bleeding – still his first thoughts were of her happiness. She suppressed that thought as often as it came up, drowning it out with thoughts of how he dismissed her, how he tried to control her, and how miserable she'd been with him. In the end, she only fooled herself.
It was her only request of Magneto before they went to rescue Diamond – she wanted to be sure he was ok. Moira was with him that day, and she decided against going to talk to him. The knowledge was enough, and with barely a second thought, she began the next phase of her life. It wasn't what she expected, but she had a purpose and she had Erik.
When Magneto was charged with Kennedy's assassination she knew it was a lie. But she didn't risk rescuing him, surprisingly enough, she barely even missed his cold distance and constant preaching. She considered going home, even if only for a visit – she missed Charles. But that nagging voice needled her – you won't be welcome after abandoning him in his hour of need.
It was then Raven began rebuilding herself. Apart from Charles and now apart from Erik, there was no one to dictate her choices. She chose to emulate the best of both men – building on the character that each of them instilled and brought to life within her. Erik always wanted her to choose between being Charles' Raven and Mystique, but for once, Raven wanted simply to be both. They were one in the same, after all.
Charles didn't create Raven, her identity didn't belong to him in any way. If she knew anything of family, love, happiness – she learned it first from Charles. She wouldn't – no matter how much Erik prodded her – she wouldn't let that part of herself go. But she didn't share Charles' vision of her life; she didn't have his empathy or compassion, though she admired those traits in him. Erik, likewise, didn't create Mystique, he simply gave her the freedom to be who she was. It was her chance to finally stand on her own two feet.
For years she saved the lives of mutants, carrying on both Erik's and Charles' mission in her own way. She made her fair share of mistakes; she had two sons by two different men, neither of them the men she loved. How would she explain that to Charles – to explain that she abandoned them just as her parents had done to her? He'd never look at her the same again. She continued on her journey, never compromising her morals. Until Trask, that is. Raven had expected things to go wrong – she expected surprises – she absolutely did not expect to see Charles, and Erik with him.
When she heard Charles' voice in that conference room and saw him walk through that door, her world stopped on a dime. She barely had time to register it was him when she found herself in an excruciating amount of pain. And Charles, as always – as though nothing had changed – was by her side in an instant. Through all the distance that kept them apart, the anger and pain and broken hearts, her feelings for him came rushing to the surface with frightening intensity, all wrapped up in one single word, "Charles?"
Relief washed over her as he smiled, holding her as her body wracked with the aftershocks of electrocution. She barely felt it, all she could look at was him, and how much he had changed. It wasn't just the fact that he was walking or his disheveled appearance with that long, unkempt hair and beard. It was the haunted, weary look in his eyes. It was the look of a man who had seen too much, who had been broken, and it looked entirely wrong in his bright blue eyes. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to hug him – comfort him – as he had so often done for her.
Charles always seemed so strong – almost invincible with his calm demeanor and effortless confidence. Even on the beach in the Cuba, injured though he was, he appeared so certain that she should go that she believed he'd be alright. He did have Moira to take care of him, after all, or so she thought. Looking at him now, perhaps she had been wrong…about everything. But their reunion was to be short lived as Erik aimed a gun at her; and Charles, for some unknown reason to her, was unable to use his powers.
She didn't have time to be worried, or to ask what had happened in their years apart, she could only run. If she survived that day, and followed through with her with her plan to kill Trask, there would be another day when Raven could ask him. At the airport, she finally learned why Erik was so eager to murder her, and it only strengthened her resolve to kill Trask. Nothing made sense, and she didn't know where to go. But home seemed the last viable place she could go – despite Charles' promise to keep her safe.
He accepted her with open arms, took care of her injury and gave her a place to hide. She hadn't been expecting that mutant from the future, especially, didn't expect to hear what he told her of her future self. She left to finish her mission; not entirely certain she believed what that man said. She'd made so many mistakes – they both did – it just seemed impossible to ever be in Charles' good graces again. They could never truly go back, and even if they could, Raven's not sure she'd want to. She'd learned so much about herself, she became a woman she never thought she'd be. She was proud of who she was and what she accomplished, even if no one else was.
It had been months since the near assassination of a president and Trask on public television. The last time she saw Charles, hearing the words, "I have faith in you Raven," despite all that she had done and was planning to do, made her ache with an overwhelming desire to go home. It had never been so strong before; not when she gave both her sons up for adoption, not even when Erik was arrested and taken away for the assassination of JFK.
She has a family, 'and he's waiting for you', came that inner voice in her mind. What would happen between them, whether they would be siblings, lovers, or friends – she could only guess. But that was the last thing on her mind – she just wanted to be with him again. There were things Raven had forgotten, but Charles wasn't one of those things, nor had she forgotten the way home.
I hope it was worth the wait. Feel free to review...only one chapter left and its already started. Thanks to everyone who has commented/bookmarked/left kudos this story. You guys are the best and you have no idea how much I appreciate your kind words and feelings about the story! They do actually feed my inspiration :) I will work on the last chapter over the next few days since I have off, but it definitely won't be another six months before it's updated. I'm also taking off school for the rest of the year until I have my anxiety and ADHD properly medicated, so that won't be an issue. So, anyway, I hope you enjoyed it!