A/N Intala; As always, your reviews mean so much. Yep, you can plan a monologue but not a dialogue...and usually the people you expect to react badly aren't the ones who do...The devil is in the detail...and sometimes the pain, the hurt and the real damage. Thank you for your very keen eye. I definitely took everything you said on board about Lewis' words that haunt her. No she won't get sucked into her memories of El. He was a huge part of the aftermath of Harris and she feels his absence a lot but she has learned not to try and hide from her pain, she just needs to acknowledge it before she can move on. No big shockers coming, on the El front anyways...
This was always one of the songs I planned on using for this story, it just means a huge amount to me, and I couldn't help but think of you HueyFree12 as I used it, hope I did it justice... inspired by 'Man in the Mirror' written by Ballard, Glen/Garrett, Siedah, sung by Michael Jackson.
'I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways'
I'm sitting at my desk, desperately trying to juggle the near constant ringing phone with the ever-growing mounds of paper threatening to swallow me, but I just cannot focus.
I find myself resuming my clock watching vigil of earlier.
In every case file I open, I see the face of Harris looming out at me. When I close my eyes and look back, his wild eyes, his torn and bleeding left cheek, his messy, tousled hair, his rumpled, stained, creased uniform shirt are gone from the page but not my mind. In every victim's statement I battle to keep the image of my own orange jump suit clad, screaming, former-self from hijacking the narrative.
I try to tell myself this is normal, that the news is just bringing bad memories back to the fore, I'm not going crazy, it's probably to be expected, that my emotions will surge and wane, in waves, but I hate it. Again I feel weakened.
I keep pushing the intrusive images away, returning to my work, until one particularly strong memory assaults me, and I fight frantically with my stomach, desperate to keep from being sick...as my skin turns icy cold and sweat starts to prick at my hairline.
I know I cannot win this battle, and calmly try to stroll to the restroom, willing my rebellious stomach to just allow me this small dignity. I keep my hand away from my mouth, even though it is a struggle, not wanting to give Amanda any reason to worry.
As I close the restroom door, I bolt for a stall, sinking to my knees, allowing my stomach to expel the coffee I drank this morning. It is only as I retch painfully on the dark, bitter, liquid that I realize I haven't eaten anything in the best part of a day. I cannot hope to stop the tears that my painfully heaving stomach calls forward.
As I hear the door of the restroom open, and close, I try to pull myself together. But as Amanda's voice calls my name, holding some cold-water dampened paper towels out to me, I just quit any pretense that I am 'fine'.
I stand up and head to the sinks, looking at my red-eyed, tear streaked, pale face.
'I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways'
I remember how so many years ago, I stood in the same place trying to convince myself, and my partner that I was fine. I wasn't fine then and I'm not fine now.
"You asked if you could do anything Amanda...?"
She nods quickly, "Anything, Liv..."
I take a deep shaky breath, "Can we talk for a minute?"
She nods again, considering for a moment, "Let's go up to the cribs..."
She leads me quickly up to our rest area, closing and locking the door behind us. We have privacy here, that my glass walled office could never hope to equal, and in here, I am not the boss, I am just human.
I walk all the way across the room, sitting on a bed, pulling my legs up.
She sits lightly onto the bed to my right.
I approach my story with all the eagerness of a man being led to his certain death, but I force the words out of my lips nevertheless.
"We found a girl, raped and beaten...she led us to her incarcerated mother, and an unknown Corrections Officer from her mother's prison, Sealview...she told us that COs were raping inmates...I talked the Captain into letting me go in, undercover..."
She moves across beside me, taking my hand, nodding softly...
"My partner had already gone in, pretending to be the mother, Risa's lawyer, to try and get her statement...he was known so he couldn't come in with me...they sent Fin in as my back up, undercover as a CO...no one wanted me going under, they all tried to talk me out of it...it was horrible...nightmare inducing..."
She nods softly, understanding that even just being there was enough to leave me with nightmares.
"We had a suspect...Fin buddy-ed up to him...there was a disturbance, about a TB outbreak in the prison, they weren't telling us about...the CO we suspected, he had me in a hold, over a table, he made it pretty clear what he planned to do to me...I was panicking...the Captain, took me off him...I was so relieved...by the time I knew we weren't headed to the hole, as he'd said...it was too late...there was a dirty old mattress... he shoved me down onto it...he beat me when I struggled...I fought him,... I hid from him, ...I begged him,... I screamed for help,... I did everything I could, but I lost... he cuffed me to the locked door I had tried to escape through...he pulled his pants down...told me not to bite him..."
Tears are running down my face and hers, as she listens wordlessly, squeezing my hand supportively. My voice is shaky and struggling to convey my words.
She hands me a wad of tissues, softly telling me "Liv, you don't have to tell me anymore..."
"I do..." I whisper.
"Fin hadn't been in the room, when Harris handcuffed me and took me away, we had no reason to suspect him...he had been, almost, kind to me...I knew no one was coming...his pants were down around his ankles and he started to pull my head towards him...Fin burst through the door and saved me..." My words are whispered, regularly broken by sobs and tears, but still audible...
"I didn't report it...I made Fin keep my secret...I never really spoke to him about it...a few months later, it got too much...I had PTSD...Fin never did anything but support me...he was the only one that knew I was attending a support group...we're only really starting to talk about it now...I didn't realize how much it has affected him...how much guilt and pain he feels about it...I thought he knew he saved me, so he was fine..."
My next words are the most important so I take few deep breaths, trying to strengthen my weak voice.
"I've never really remembered much about what happened after Fin took him into custody and we left the basement...I remember how pale Fin was, the shock and pain on his face, how he kept looking at me as if he was checking I was really there ...I think maybe I didn't allow myself to remember because I was worried, but he was sick...a few times...I guess I was worried he was disgusted...I never even thought about how hard it must have been for him...how bad it must have been, to make him sick...he's kept track of Harris all these years...Amanda, can you please keep an eye on Fin? I'm so worried about him. This has to be bringing up so much for him too...but he feels this isn't his story...he is worried about me...he needs someone to be there for him..."
'I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love
It's time that I realize'
After her assurance that I didn't have to tell her anymore, I found my eyes clamped to my hands, unable to look at her as I talked. Now as I look up, I see tears flowing down her shocked, pained face. She tries to wipe them away.
"Of course I will. God Liv, I'm so sorry...what about you, you need to think about yourself too?..."
"I know Amanda. I'm making an appointment to see Dr. Lindstrom, and Rafael has been amazing...and I know I can talk to you, Fin and Carisi...it's not easy but I can do it...I just need to know that Fin has someone to talk to that understands..."
She nods again and I can see the determination on her face. She wipes her two hands roughly across her cheeks pushing the tears away.
"He has..." she says simply.
I nod, smiling tightly to try and tell her how much I appreciate it.
Her hand squeezes my shoulder softly, "I'm so sorry Liv..."
I dry my tears with the tissues she handed me, passing back a couple to her. I run my hands through my hair, taking a few soothing, deep breaths.
After a few moments of silent self-calming, we look to each other, nodding that we are ready to rejoin the world we effectively, temporarily shut out. We walk back into the squad room as Fin and Carisi do. I see Fin cast a careful eye over both, Amanda and me. No doubt seeing the evidence of both of our tears, and the residual emotions, from our conversation, in our faces and the way we hold our bodies.
I give him a gentle nod, letting him know I spoke to her, and that I was ok.
I see Carisi, subtly look to Amanda as she sits down at her desk, his forehead creasing as he sees the evidence of her recent tears. He starts to take a step towards her but a hand from Fin stops him in his tracks. I see the impatient, challenging look he throws the older man.
As I look to my desk, I realize that burying myself in the piles of paper won't help me. I am not ok. I need to take some time...to figure out my feelings,...to really absorb the news I have tried to keep at arms length since I heard it.
I gather up my belongings, walking out into the squad room,
"I know it's not great timing guys, but I need a little space...some time...I'm going to head home...I'm on my phone if you need me..."
'I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change'
Fin and Amanda nod as carelessly as they can, as they wave off my assurances that I have my phone on me. Carisi looks at them both like they're crazy, clearly wondering what is going on.
Before he can say or do anything, I quickly add "Sonny, could you drive me home, please?"
He quickly looks to Fin who gives him a tiny, encouraging nod, "Sure Sarge, let me get my keys..."
He grabs a set of keys from his desk drawer, patting the pockets of the jacket he never took off, "Ok, ready when you are..."
He walks over, taking my bag from me, swinging it over his shoulder, leading the way out to his car.
As we sit into the car, he turns to me as he pulls the seat belt across his body, "Look Sarge, I know I'm still the new guy on the team, and it takes years to get to the level of trust you guys have in each other, you don't have to tell me what's going on, but please tell me you are ok?"
"Sonny, you are part of the team, I know it must have felt like we're keeping a secret from you, we really aren't, I just told Amanda, and I want to tell you now, but I really do need to go home..."
"Of course Sarge" he says, immediately starting the car, and driving me home.
For the second day in a row, the streets blur past my unseeing eyes. I can feel him throw an occasional concerned look at me, but he wordlessly takes me home.
As the car comes to a stop, I realize we have arrived. We are outside my home.
"Thanks Carisi, will you come up?"
"Sarge, you don't have to tell me anything you're not comfortable with, I just want to know you are ok and that if I can do anything, all you need do is ask?"
His thoughtful, unassuming, words touch me deeply and again I find myself on the verge of tears, "I want to tell you Sonny"
He nods gently, taking my bag again and following me up to my apartment.
As we enter my home, he puts down my bag, looking around for Noah and Lucy.
"Lucy takes Noah to a toddler storytelling group and then to the park, around this time" I tell him, heading into the kitchen to make some tea.
He sits up onto a stool just on the other side of the kitchen island, patiently waiting for me.
As I wait for the water to boil I turn to him, gently biting my lip, I take a deep breath and jump into the unknown...
"I'm sorry, Sonny, this is hard...I don't really know where to start ...I haven't had a lot of practice..."
"It's ok, Liv...I only want to help..."
I can see he is terrified of what he is about to hear, but still the most prominent thing in his features is the concern he has for me.
"I know you've heard about Lewis..." it's not a question, it's a statement, but his head nods in confirmation, his eyes closing momentarily. When they re-open I can see the pain for me in them.
"I was sexually assaulted before...I was undercover...seven years ago, in Sealview, a women's prison...Fin was my back up, he was there as a CO. We knew at least one CO was raping inmates."
I can see his face freeze as he struggles to comprehend what I am telling him.
I turn back to make us tea, unable to watch his face as he hears what I am about to say.
"A CO, Harris, told me he was taking me to the hole, during a disturbance...he brought me to the basement, I tried to fight him but he beat me, and cuffed me to door, he was going to rape me, but Fin burst in and saved me...I know I should have reported it, but I didn't... We got him for rape and murder though, he was serving 20 years... Last night, Fin told me that he died in prison yesterday."
I busy myself with the cups, spoons, tea and hot water until there is no more to distract me and I turn back to face him, pushing the steaming cup towards him.
I can see his shock at my disclosure immediately, and a flicker of anger at Harris.
"I'm sorry Liv, I can't imagine how you must feel,...I don't know what to say except that nobody deserves to ever have to go through that..."
I curl my fingers around the comforting heat of the steaming tea, grateful for its distraction, giving him a moment to absorb my bombshell.
I don't know what I expect him to say but it is definitely not what comes out of his mouth...
"I've learned more than I ever thought possible from you, Fin, Rollins and Amaro, but the one thing that I have seen over and over again is that this can happen to anyone, there is no such thing as being strong enough, or quick enough to avoid it, there is no such think as inviting it or not doing enough to stop it. The only thing you could control is surviving his assault, and you did that. Nobody can judge a situation they haven't been in. You are the strongest person I have ever met. If I'm ever, even half the person, or cop you are, I will be a happy man"
The passion of conviction in his words is inescapable. He looks me directly in the eye as a tear rolls slowly down his cheek.
"I hate that you had to experience all that..." He says swallowing deeply and wiping the tear from his cheek.
He keeps eye contact, allowing me to see the tears gathered in his eyes, but also the sincere respect for me.
As his surprisingly eloquent words reverberate in my head, I cannot help but wonder if perhaps the source of Amanda's insightful, earlier, words was perhaps Carisi and not Nick. There is a surprising symmetry between them and his words now.
"Thank you for trusting me." He whispers reaching for the tea I left for him.
His face crumples as he takes his first sip, hastily swallowing it.
"Uuuggghhh, that's that herbal stuff isn't it, my sister drinks that instead of coffee now, it's vile, how can you drink that Sarge?
I laugh out loud at his undisguised hatred of my choice of beverage.
He smiles widely as he hears me laugh and I understand that nothing I have told him today has changed me in his eyes. I'm not somehow less, or weak. He has just heard a story about how I was sexually assaulted, he felt pain for what I experienced but he didn't question my decision not to report it, he says 'Nobody can judge a situation they haven't been in', he doesn't see what happened as something that defines me, he sees it as an experience I was forced to endure.
I'm sure he will watch out for me a little more in the coming days as he has since last night, but I understand it is because he knows I am hurting not because he doubts me.
'I'm gonna make a change
For once in my life
It's gonna feel real good
Gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right'
"I should probably get back to work, don't want the boss to think I'm skiving..." he mischievously grins at me.
"Yeah that, and it saves you drinking the tea, Carisi..." I counter smiling.
"Win-win, Sarge" he declares, laughingly, as he picks up his keys and heads towards the door.
As he opens it, he turns to me, "If I can ever do anything...please, just ask...?"
I nod gratefully walking towards the door.
"Lock the door behind me Sarge, there are too many sick freaks out there..."
He stands there waiting for me to close the door, and I know he will wait until he hears the locks click into place before he leaves.