A/N mom2knjj; Thank you so much. I'm so glad that the Benson and Barba thing hasn't put you off. I'm not a huge planner and if I'm completely honest, I never had any intention of this or 'I told her that this was necessary' being Barson stories. After watching season 16 of SVU, I just believed Barba would be there for her. It was never really intended to go beyond friendship, it just wrote itself that way...I can't say that things will continue to progress between them(even though I have to admit to really wanting it to...). I just feel that some sort of relationship with a man is a very important part of healing...I have found something I am using to help me base this on, I don't want to mention it yet because I want Olivia to share it... I cannot explain how much your words have meant to me. I hope you continue to find more than a growing relationship between two people in this story.

Intala; As always, thank you. I guess she is trying really hard to learn from previous mistakes and even though it doesn't come naturally to either of them, they are trying to talk...I am trying to be realistic...

MrsChilton; Thank you so much. I love that Barba is so thoughtful, but also realistic...he respects her too much to just tell her what he thinks she wants to hear...

This chapter is based around a song "Weeping" by Bright Blue (Daniel Heymann/Ian Laurence Cohen/Thomas James Fox/Peter David Cohen.) It was written as an anti-apartheid song but I think the sentiments fit this too...

Despite the embarrassment, or perhaps because of it, I feel more hopeful than I have been in a really long time.

It's not easy, and nowhere near how I would wish things were, but reality very seldom conforms to our wishes, and I'm trying to make the best of how things are.

As I lie very comfortably, in Rafael's arms again, I cannot help reflecting on how we are managing to discuss even the hardest subjects. I can't stop the smile that crosses my face as I remember his confirmation that not only is he attracted to me, but also that I leave him powerless to control his body's reaction to me...

I try not to get carried away, because I know I am still a very long way from whole, but I feel real hope. As I curl tighter into Rafael, I rest my head on his chest.

"What else do you want to ask me?" I ask, as bravely as I can manage.

He doesn't answer immediately and I know it is because he is battling with the worry that he will stumble across something that I won't be willing to talk about.

"Would you have told me about Harris' death when Fin told you?"

I don't know how to answer his question.

"I don't know...I know I would have told you...but I don't know if I would have told you then..."

He doesn't seem very happy with my answer as his brow furrows slightly.

"I know I thought about you, I knew if I called you, you'd be there as quick as you could be...but I don't know...I don't know that I was ready to say the words..."

I see his face relax as he realizes I'm being honest, and he was in my thoughts.

"Rafael have you really been reading books and websites trying to learn what you should and shouldn't do?"

He nods slightly. "I don't want to hurt you Liv, I don't know how to deal with people the same way you do, I don't know what the right things to say and do are. I have had a little training but I don't want to make any mistakes..."

I smile at his good intentions. "You've been amazing Rafael. You've always done and said the right things...but you also have to talk to me. I know that when I woke up after that nightmare, I couldn't help you but I can usually help you navigate the minefields... And you need to be able to ask questions...we're doing better than I could ever have imagined...I think it's because we are being so honest...we're talking about everything..."

He smiles, putting his hand on the back of my neck, moving in to kiss me. He quickly deepens the kiss and I gladly return it. My hand snakes up into his hair, ruffling it a little.

As we separate reluctantly, panting for air, I gesture over to the pile of paper peeking out from behind his coat, "So if you aren't going to go back to work, are you at least going to do some of that paperwork?"

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise that I have correctly interpreted his plans, "Hmmmmm, you're a detective...Yes I'm not going back, I'm not leaving you alone today...Liv, was it really because you couldn't separate yourself from the women in the files that you left work?"

I try not to remember the images that sent me fleeing to the bathroom this morning, "I couldn't read any of their statements without seeing myself or Harris...usually only a very occasional case will summon up some of the memories, but today, every case was too hard...Fin, Amanda, Carisi, they all understand, and they know I'm only at the end of the phone if they need me..."

I can his concern for me in his kind green eyes as he pulls me in for another soft kiss, "I'm glad that for once you are looking after yourself ...go have a nice relaxing bath...try to take care of yourself...?"

I quickly glance at the clock, to see if I have enough time for a bath before Lucy is due home with Noah.

"Don't hurry Liv, Noah can show me how well his dinosaur smashes through towers of bricks...please, relax in a bath?" he says quickly, almost reading my mind.

I sigh deeply, rolling my shoulders, suddenly conscious of all the muscles that would benefit from a warm soak. I quickly lean in for one more kiss, before I head into the bathroom to run a bath as he suggested.

The steamy water that starts to fill the tub becomes more and more inviting as I drizzle in a scented bath gel whose label promises to help me 'relax and unwind from the stresses and pressures of the day'.

I quickly undress, eager to slip into the welcoming warmth of the tub that awaits me, grateful for Rafael's considerate suggestion.

As I step into the warm, scented, water, my muscles immediately start to loosen. I can only imagine that after a long soak I will only be fit for bed and I can't help the hope that he will, again, spend the night with me.

I relax back into the tub, my head resting on a carefully placed, folded towel, the warmth of the water soothing the tight muscles I hadn't even noticed earlier.

The comforting presence of Rafael just outside the door, allows me to relax more than I have, in a very long time.

The knots in my muscles start to melt into the delicious heat of my bath. My mind also allows me a brief respite from the almost constant turmoil it sometimes feels like I have always lived with. I try not to show it, but it's usually there somewhere in the background...

As I lie in my tub, it is nowhere in evidence though. I feel like I am at peace. I know it can't last but I'm determined to enjoy it for as along as I possibly can.

My eyes drift down to the small gold chain around my neck. I never take it off. It means a lot more than a piece of jewellery should.

It's a reminder that I have somewhere I belong, that there is a group of people who care for me, it is a reminder of my son...it is a reminder of the man who so carefully picked it out...

My eyes continue their journey down my body, it's shape distorting as the water ripples softly. Semi circles of water push away from my chest as I breath in and out, rippling away until they lose their definition and become a tiny obscure wave.

Through the gentle movements of the slightly cloudy water, I do something I very seldom do... I look at my body.

It seems like a strange thing to admit but I very rarely look at my own body...I can't help but vaguely see it as I clean and dress myself but I don't really look at it. Through the lightly moving water, I look carefully at the body that I usually try to avoid.

The scars on my chest, as always, are what immediately catch my eye. I know that they are faded now, they are not the eyesores they once were, when the wounds that caused them were fresh, but still...I don't think I can ever really accept them.

It's not a vanity; I have other scars, that don't bother me. I think it's how I came by them, that makes them so hard to accept, and they are a constant reminder.

The scars continue all the way down my torso, onto my legs, and they stretch up onto my arms. They take so many different forms, from barely discernable silvery, white, marks, to pinky, red, raised lumps. Some of the burns are easier to feel, than to see, the skin rough, uneven... As I look at the marks on my skin, I can still list off their causes; a burning key, a hot clothes hanger, a knife, a can opener, ropes, handcuffs, a fist... I don't allow myself to feel them being made but I know that one second of distraction and the memories I am holding at bay will flood back.

I try to disregard the scars, to view my body without seeing the marks that litter my skin. After all, the marks on my skin, are sometimes easier to deal with than the invisible wounds, whose scars cannot be seen but are no less present.

I'm not as slim as I was in my younger days... I'm still in proportion, not grotesquely ballooned; I'm just a little bigger than I once was. My hips are rounded and womanly. I have a waist, not as slim as I would like it to be. I like my chest though, it is curvy, full, and hasn't surrendered to gravity yet, it too is very womanly, and when the hideous scars are hidden behind clothes, it allows me to feel, almost 'feminine'. I suppose it's not as bad as it could be...

I can't help but wonder if Rafael would be disappointed by it?

I hate that this worries me, but it does.

'I knew a man who lived in fear

It was huge, it was angry, it was drawing near

Behind his house, a secret place

Was the shadow of a demon he could never face

He built a wall of steel and flame

And men with guns to keep it tame

And standing back, he made it plain

That the nightmare would never ever rise again

But the fear and the fire and the guns remain'

Before...before all of it, before Lewis, even before Harris, I was fairly confident in my body. Sure, there were always bits I wished were smaller or more toned, but in general I felt I looked ok. I was comfortable in my own skin.

I was never someone who wore revealing clothes, or walked around the house naked, but I was never shy about my shape. I was happy to let a man see me. I was relaxed in my naked form, I knew how my body liked to be touched, what gave me pleasure.

I'm no longer so in tune with my physical self.

I've always worn very un-revealing, conservative clothes for work. Shirts and pantsuits usually, but I was confident a couple of buttons popped open on the shirt, or the fabric of the pants hugging my butt or hips was enough for me to still feel like a sexy woman. Now the same shirts and pantsuits are something for me to hide behind. The pants may still hug my butt or hips but I don't feel it anymore, the slightly androgynous, professionally appropriate, clothing mirrors my sexless self. And when I do dress up, in a dress or skirt, I like how it looks in the mirror of my room, but when I leave the house I feel slightly like I am on display.

When I think back to when I was with Brian, even before Lewis. I didn't have all the scars my encounter with Lewis left me, I was the same shape I am now, but there was still a slight reservation, that hadn't been there once... I know that woman, was not the same as she was before Harris.

Her skin wasn't marked the way it is now, but she had scars. She slowly learned how to find pleasure in her own body again, but she was not as 'free' as she once was.

I can't stop myself from chewing on my lip as I wonder how this woman, the woman with innumerable scars, will handle intimacy?

Objectively, I know it is completely reasonable that I could never make that physical leap with Brian, we weren't together very long after Lewis, a few months that were taken up by nightmares and pain and physical healing before the mental healing could even begin. We did share a bed, we cuddled, very carefully at first, but even in the months that followed there was always a calculated caution in our physical contact.

I don't know did it come from him or from me?

As time progressed we started to be slightly, more comfortable, sleeping in each others arms again, even when sometimes I still woke to crippling nightmares. We kissed, and carefully touched...but things never went further.

Everything just felt cautious...before Lewis there was passion, fun and an easy, relative uninhibitedness, after him there was caution...

I don't blame Brian. He was more patient with me than I could ever expect from anyone. Whenever we tried to progress things, there were tears, panic and pain, I pulled away from him, physically and emotionally. I dread to think how much damage I did to him... I wonder if he has ever gotten rid of the fears my reactions put inside him? If I am still not ready now, two long years after, he had no chance in the few short months that followed my pain. We had only separated when it all started again. As hard as it was to cope alone, after the second time, I can't help but admit it was also easier...

I feel sorry for the hurt that I caused Brian. I never wanted to hurt him. I can't allow myself to hurt Rafael like I inadvertently hurt Brian.

I know I have just told Rafael that I'm not afraid of his body, but I'm not sure how true that is. I want to feel his skin against mine. I want to feel his touch. I want to feel pleasure from my body again,... but I'm scared. I know it's normal to feel this way, but it feels like my mind is betraying me somehow. I worry about how I will feel when he is pressed up against me, his hardness asking for attention? Will I feel Lewis against me instead? When I see him naked, will I be able to separate him from Harris? Would I be able to lie under Rafael without feeling trapped?

Even if I manage all of that, would I ever be able to relax enough to find real pleasure?

I have no doubt that Rafael would be gentle. I'm sure he would know not to hold me down but I don't want caution to define us in the same way it came to define the post-Lewis Brian and me.

I want more of the passion I felt when we touched each other last night. There was caution, he stopped things, but there was definitely passion too.

I know that there is no right time...I know you have to wait until you are ready, but how will I know I'm ready?

How do I make sure there isn't another panic-stricken, tear filled attempt, which leaves two people trying to deconstruct every move they made, to try and find where they went wrong?

I felt like last night I would have been happy to go a little further, that I hadn't found my limit...but what would my limit have been?

'And then one day, the neighbors came

They were curious to know about the smoke and flame

They stood around outside the wall

But of course, there was nothing to be heard at all

"My friends," he said, "We've reached our goal

The threat is under firm control

As long as peace and order reign

I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain

Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain"'

Is this something I lay here and decide, what I would like to happen if he stays with me again tonight? Do I set limits now or do I talk to him and try to plan how far things are allowed to go? Or do we do as we did last night, and just let nature take its course?

It strikes me all of a sudden that I haven't even considered him yet...I remember how upset he was at Amanda's disclosure, that he really worried about how he would approach a sexual relationship again...

That was months ago, but I'm pretty sure he hasn't been seeing anyone so he may be still trying to find his way too...?

And I know he is very conscious of not hurting me so how do we find the balance we need between caution and passion?

'It doesn't matter now, it's over anyhow

He tells the world that it's sleeping

But as the night came 'round

I heard its lonely sound

It wasn't roaring, it was weeping'

A gentle shiver draws my attention back to a quickly cooling bath.

I check my phone to find I have been in here for nearly an hour. Even with the rapidly plummeting temperature of the water, I find myself reluctantly dragging myself out of the tub, wrapping a large, soft, warm towel around my body. A smaller towel winds itself around my head piling my wet hair on top of my head, as I dry off my body. Again,I try not to concentrate on the hated scars, as I rub the towel over my skin. Whilst not as familiar with my body as I once was, at this moment, the huge disconnected hostility I felt for it, seems to have eased into a sort of détente.

I gather up the clothes I was wearing before my bath, throwing them into the laundry hamper, heading back into my room still wrapped in my towel, as I hear little feet pattering towards me as soon as the bathroom door clicks open. I start to towel my hair as an excited Noah appears in the doorway.

"Hello my baby boy. How was the park? Did you enjoy storytelling?" I say, as I reach down and sweep him up into my arms. He babbles away, his hands gesturing wildly as he tries to tell me all about his day. Occasionally I catch a couple of words that I repeat approvingly, as he giggles and returns to his story.

A very amused Barba stands in the doorway watching as Noah recounts his day's activities with enthusiastic hand movements.

"I'm sorry Liv, once he heard the door, he was up and gone before I could catch up with him...I had an assault course of building blocks to contend with, I think he has the unfair advantage of previous experience with it..."

I nod carefully at Noah, turning to Rafael slightly "That's ok Rafael. I'm surprised I didn't hear him...You did well to keep him from joining my bath!"

His eyes sparkle as a big chuckle escapes, "I did wonder if that was his intention when he pulled off his shoes and socks and started on his shirt...How was your bath?"

I sigh contently as I hug Noah.

"I don't know when I last felt so relaxed Rafael...thank you"

Noah has started wiggling in my arms so I let him down again, and he zips back out to finish whatever demolition he had left uncompleted. I automatically walk towards the door to see what he is doing. The immediate crash of blocks also draws Rafael back out of the doorway, and I find myself, still wrapped only in a towel, standing beside him.

I think it may have been when I felt his eyes on me that I realized I was only wearing a towel. As I look to him, I find his green eyes carefully taking in every inch of my exposed skin.

"Busted..." I whisper softly, as his eyes quickly pull away and a slight tinge of red creeps into his cheeks.

He clears his throat gently, "I'm sorry Liv..." he starts to say but I swiftly cut him off .

"I'm not Rafael...it felt good..."

He looks up into my eyes and sees that I wasn't uncomfortable and I mean it.

That smirk of his, creeps onto his lips, his eyes twinkle mischievously, "I think I'll just pick up where I left off so..."

We both laugh, and Noah, anxious to be part of whatever is so funny, giggles too.

I can't resist pulling his smirking lips in for a quick kiss, before heading back to my room to redress.

As I dress quickly, in an outfit very similar to the one I have just thrown into the laundry hamper, I make a decision to be brave, strolling out into the living room,

"Rafael, I was just thinking, maybe you should go home and do a little work, you won't get much done here..." I say gesturing to the one child demolition crew, "And maybe, you would come back...bring some clothes to save you having to run home in the morning?"

The frown that had been forming as he thought I was kicking him out instantly disappears, a wide smile replacing it, as he understands I'm asking him to stay the night again.

"I'd love to Liv."

"I really did enjoy my bath Rafael, thank you for the suggestion and for watching Noah...I was thinking..." I try not to show it, but my nerves start to show through as I bite my lip "...do you think any of those books you've been reading...might have a chapter...about how to..." I can see he is listening carefully "...work towards starting a sexual relationship...?"

"Liv, there's no need to worry about that, there's no pressure at all..."

"I know Rafael, I don't feel pressured. I enjoyed what we did last night..." I can feel my cheeks redden as I speak but I know I need to say it, "I want to do that again...and maybe a little more...I'm still scared...I don't really know where my limits are, or how to go about this...maybe we could read...and try to figure it out?"

He steps closer to me, winding his arms around my waist.

"Liv, I enjoyed last night too, not just touching you, sleeping beside you, all of it...I have no expectations. I'd be happy to bring over some of the books I've been reading but there is no pressure, no expectations..."

I kiss him again.

"I know Rafael. It's something I've been thinking about...I don't want to repeat my mistakes...maybe I could do with a little 'professional guidance'...and a lot of talking?"

He nods slowly, his eyes never leaving mine, "Anytime Liv...we can talk about anything..."

"That's why I think I feel so relaxed...and hopeful..."

He looks at me carefully, smiling when he sees I am relaxed.

"So go do some work and I'll see you in a few hours?"

He nods, picking up his files, his briefcase and his jacket, throwing his tie into his pants pocket. He leans in and kisses me again.

"See you later Noah." He waves at Noah who happily waves back.

"We can have some more chinese food for dinner Rafael, I think we have a bit left from lunch..."

We both laugh again, leaning in for a final kiss.