A/N
Intala; As always, your reviews mean so much. I am so stealing your genius idea...if that's ok? I haven't read this book so might come back to you for a little detail to use? Thank you so much..
MrsChilton; Thank you so very much, for your review and your kindness. I know nobody knows what to say to a disclosure of this kind, (me and probably other people like me included) so making the effort to say you're sorry and not avoiding it is really appreciated. The scary thing is that, this is just one variation on healing, everybody's healing is different just like every assault is different. Things like SVU do a huge service to us all, in helping start a conversation or a story... I don't and didn't have a Rafael. Rafael is probably a slightly optimistic, almost too perfect creation, but I did have, and still have, a lot of friends, colleagues, bosses, both male and female and sometimes a love interest of a sort, that have all contributed to my journey. We have all made mistakes, saying and doing the wrong things...but I'm grateful for every one of them. It's hard for everyone to talk or deal with things like this, there are no exceptions...I suppose the best we can all do is try... Thank you
Windsinger89; Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate that you also took the time to acknowledge me but I love you even more for making such a comfortable move back to the story. I actually had to look to see what number four was...it was only when I read the 12 things, it clicked with me...somehow it's fine and un-embarrassing for men but a lot less so for women. I'm glad I didn't tiptoe around it too much. I'm not shy but I'm not really sure I know how to write the more sexual stuff at all so you may find I take a similar approach to it...I don't know yet but anyhow, I felt that Rafael wouldn't be too crass, he appreciates its importance but also understands there is a certain valor in a little discretion even in an adult sex based conversation...I did want it to be clear though that it wasn't the subject matter that made Liv uncomfortable in its self...Thank you so much.
FicFriend; thank you more than I can say...
This one is based around "Say Something" by A Great Big World.
My mind is foggy, everything is sleep blurred...I know I'm not awake but somehow I'm not asleep either.
I'm trapped in that state between them, where I'm vaguely conscious of reality, but also, a sort of prisoner, to whatever imaginings my mind wishes to subject me to.
It has happened before, a lot, this has slowly taken the place of screaming nightmares, a silent, terrifying reminder that my brain is still trying to process so much...it helps to know what it is, but still, in the moment, it's frightening.
In reality, I can hear the regular, soft, breathing of a person, I can feel a body beside me, well the warmth of what my mind tells me is a body. My eyes are closed and I can't seem to open them. It doesn't seem to be that I can't make the muscles work it seems to be that my mind doesn't want to tell the muscles to open them...
In my mind, I'm staring into a dark, black, nothingness. I'm scared. I'm not screaming or shaking or even moving away from anything, I'm just there...
It's not a nightmare. I can't be dreaming because I'm not asleep. I don't know what is happening but a sense of panic starts to build.
'It's not happening, it's not real...' I keep telling myself. This has worked before. I know it's not real and if I keep telling myself, my brain eventually opens my eyes.
I try to concentrate on reality...who can I hear?
All of a sudden, I just know...it's like pieces just drop into place from nowhere...it's Rafael...
I know I need to be careful. I don't want to wake him. I don't want him to know I'm awake.
The balance is shifting, the dark emptiness is fading and I'm becoming more aware of where I am.
I can feel warm skin under my face.
I try to fight down the fear that lurches forward. I know this is Rafael. What am I afraid of?
I can feel my eyes start to open but now I squeeze them shut. I can feel his arm on my shoulders...on my skin...
Fear is rapidly escalating as I try to remember...am I naked? Is he naked?
Oh god...I need to keep calm, I can't move or do anything to pull him from sleep.
I slowly let my eyes open a bit, my face seems to be on his chest but more importantly, it is facing down his body and even in the semi darkness, I can see he is wearing what looks like shorts. I can't help the relieved deep sigh that escapes. I can feel some sort of fabric on my top against my arm and I can see shorts on my body. My head moves slightly and his breathing hitches...I freeze.
I try not to tense but my muscles refuse to listen to my brain.
This feels like some old comedy I'm sure I've seen, where someone tries to escape a sleeping partner's arms without waking them. I remember the canned laughter every time an overdramatic, often unnecessary movement prompted the sleeping partner to theatrically stop breathing, or turn over...
I realize the absurdity of my situation as I try to figure out how to get away without waking the man sleeping beside me.
The room is still dark. No, not dark, it's that very early, summer morning, half light. It feels like maybe three or four a.m.
I don't know why I think that, but as someone who as seen a lot of the world at these hours, I trust my instincts.
That fear from the half-dream hasn't gone away. I know it won't. The day will start with that fear...
I'm awake enough now to remember last night, I smile as I think of the list of 12 things we poured through, it really felt like we made progress,...well, actually, we never got to 12, we only got as far as maybe 10? Why does that feel like a good description of our whole relationship? I remember taking his shirt off as we got into bed, gently coaxing him that I just wanted to feel his skin...another example of not making the end.
I know how upset he would be if he thought I was lying here wishing he had his shirt on, and that he wasn't touching me.
'It's fine' I try to tell myself.
I know this is Rafael.
He hasn't got me wrapped up tightly in his arms, his arm is only loosely around my shoulder, I could easily move if I wanted to.
'God Olivia, get it together. You're not waking up screaming, trapped in a nightmare. You woke up scared and panicky, but you know you are safe in your own bedroom, in your own bed. The man beside you is not naked. You are not naked. He wouldn't hurt you, ever. There are no circumstances under which he would hurt you. You are not pinned here, not even in a warm embrace... You could easily get up.'
Somehow all these reassurances, that I know are true, only serve to further my panic.
I'm not afraid of him. I'm really not.
But I really need to get up...
I can't...I can't...no, I can't stay here!
So I slowly move my head slightly, taking a slow, calm sounding breath.
I sigh softly, trying to stretch my body a little, as if I am waking up.
I let my hand rub lightly across my face, as if in a half-awake state I am rubbing my eyes and missing slightly.
I move my head slowly from his chest, as if trying to pull myself from sleep with the same movement.
I start to move off the bed as gently and quietly as I can but I know he is waking. I try to hope that he will just turn over and fall back asleep but as I stumblingly get to my feet, I hear his sleep filled, hoarse voice "Liv?".
Luckily I had an answer ready, "I just need to pee...go back to sleep." I try to make my voice sound sleepy...
My throat is dry and I'm barely keeping my panic hidden so I'm pretty sure it sounds good...
I pad, barefoot into the bathroom, forcing myself to pee to keep up my ruse, all the time trying to calm myself enough to go back to bed if he shows any signs of being awake.
I try to take as much time as I can to wash and dry my hands, but not enough to raise any questions...
As I softly step back into the bedroom I see him hold an arm out, to silently call me back into bed.
I try to control the surge of panic, forcing it back down, promising myself I'll find a different way to lie there if I can just keep it together...
As I slip back into the bed, I desperately try to think of a way to change my sleeping position without inviting any questions...
As I feign trying to find a comfortable position again, his croaky voice whispers "You ok?"
I don't trust my words not to give me away, "Mmmmmmm"
I can feel my heart thudding rapidly and I worry that he will hear it in the early morning quiet.
As I lie in pretty much the same position I was so desperate to get out of, only minutes ago, it feels like the panic is winning.
I rifle my brain for any suggestion of how to escape...
What is making me panic like this? It's ridiculous. There is no reason for this... what is wrong with me?
I'm not afraid of him...he is safe...why is this happening?
He isn't moving now, so I try to slide out of the bed again, making soft noises that sound like my mouth is dry and I'm thirsty...
This time as I creep out of the room he doesn't make a sound or move.
I sigh gratefully, almost running out to the living room.
I curl into the end of the couch I'm beginning to think of as his, pulling my knees up and folding my arms over them. I drop my mouth into my folded arms, trying to muffle the rapid, shallow, breaths that accompany the realization that I've done this before.
I've crept out of bed, under this ridiculous scheme of ruses and ploys before, with a different man, and that recognition pushes me over the edge, as I find myself, again, on the couch, in the middle of the night, sobbing into my knees...
What went wrong? I feel so safe with him... I know he wouldn't hurt me...I wasn't having a nightmare...I wasn't seeing something that wasn't happening...why do I feel this panic?
I would kind of understand this happening, if we had tried to advance things...it would feel warranted...or if he inadvertently made feel trapped in his arms, when a nightmare struck...but that's not what happened.
I slept with him like this last night. I had a fantastic night's sleep...I woke feeling relaxed and happy, why is this happening now?
"Liv..." his voice softly calls from the door.
I quickly try to wipe away my tears as subtly as I can, reaching for the lamp behind me, knowing it will gain me an extra couple of seconds as his eyes adjust to the light, to turn and dry my face.
As I look at him, he has put his shirt back on. He knows...
The tears I had tried to hide, now come bursting down my face, all my scheming and creeping was for nothing, he has put his shirt back on, he is confused and damaged, just like Brian was. I can't do this to another man...
"Liv, what happened?"
He sits cautiously, on the couch, not beside me but not at the other end either...
I just shake my head sadly in answer to him.
"Was it a nightmare?"
Again I shake my head, looking pleadingly at him, wanting him to somehow answer why it happened.
I can see concern in his green eyes, and a soft sadness.
I can see him trying to think of other possible causes for this, "Did you see...or feel...my body reacting...?"
I can see that he is desperately trying to hide his fears and anger at himself, if this is what caused my upset.
Again I shake my head but this time, the guilt at putting him through fearing his body's natural reactions has done this, causes me to hang my head and speeds up the procession of tears.
"Were you scared, by a noise or something?"
All he can see now is the top of my head but again, it swings from left to right and back again...
"Liv, please talk to me,...it's ok, you're ok..."
In between sobs I try to answer him, "It's not ok...I don't know what happened...this all happened for NO REASON!...I wasn't scared...I just panicked...over nothing..."
'Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl'
I can see those beautiful green eyes trying to stare into my soul, trying to figure out if I really don't know what caused this, or if I'm just trying to hide it, in the same way I tried to the resulting panic.
And just like that, I understand...
All the efforts I had made, all the pushing myself to be more open, the painful sharing of details I never wanted another person to hear, all the plans of how to deal with a physical failure...none of it matters. What matters is that at the first hurdle, I threw it all away and went back to what I know...silence and hiding.
The silence is agony. Every sound around us is amplified, exponentially, by our silence.
I want to tell him I'm sorry, I want to tell him I really don't know what happened, that I didn't want to upset or hurt him so I tried to hide it, I want to tell him that I know this is not what I should have done, it's not even what I wanted to do, it's just what I've always done...but I say none of it.
I think he is waiting for me to speak, I think he doesn't want to interrupt once I have started to finally talk, I think he is afraid to ask questions but it just feels like disappointment.
'Say something, I'm giving up on you'
The silence starts to force me to quickly begin throwing up walls to protect myself. It was all well and good to make a plan to deal with failure, but reality is another thing...
Now he has seen what a nightmare looks like, last night's terror is still fresh in my mind.
Actually he has seen a nightmare before, when I stayed in his guest bedroom after Nadia...
Great, he has seen two nightmares...and now he knows that even sleeping beside me is somehow too much...there is no way he knew what he was signing on for...
"Just leave Rafael..."
'Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you'
I can see his face crumple, his eyes pleading, as he sits there, frozen in place. It's like the couch has lengthened and his seated body has slid with it, as it grows away from me, until the inches that separated us have become yards.
Again he is silent, and I try to set my face, readying it for his inevitable departure.
Somewhere deep inside me, I know that he has barely woken up, and is completely unprepared for this. I know that his usually, quick tongue and sharp mind, are restrained by sleepiness, and the desire to not hurt me, to say and do the right things, but this understanding cannot make itself heard over the panic still screaming in my head. These thoughts are lost in the swirling mess of panicked confusion.
"Please don't ask me to leave Liv? I told you I will leave if you really mean it but please talk to me first...?"
I think my mask is safely, back in place as I look at him as emotionlessly as I can manage with tears still escaping down my face.
"Do you really not know what caused this?" He can see me shutting down and makes a last ditch attempt to break through...
'I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you'
Anger flares unexpectedly at his questioning doubt.
"I'm sorry Liv, I didn't mean that the way it came out...shit! I'm struggling here Liv, please...what I mean is..." His hands are scraping through his hair desperately trying to find a way to explain himself... "I don't understand...I'm sure there are some things that you don't want to say, and maybe when you are scared or unsettled it's easier to say something like you don't know than to try to explain..."
I haven't reiterated my demand that he leaves, so he takes this as implicit permission to continue...
"I can't imagine how you feel now, I really am not angry or hurt or anything else, I'm concerned...I knew things like this would probably happen..."
I start to scowl at him for this untimely reminder...
His hands raise quickly in his own defense..."God! Again, Liv, I didn't mean that the way it came out...My brain is still foggy...please?"
And just like that, his face changes..."Is that what happened? That feeling you just wake up with, you know you must have dreamt something that brought it on but you don't have any recollection of what caused it, just the feeling it left behind?"
The tiniest hitch in my breathing seems to confirm his speculation as he cautiously reaches for my hand.
"I promised to just hold your hand..." he says trying a small smile.
I don't pull away but I also can't let down the walls I have hurriedly thrown up.
"I'm sorry Liv..." his hand starts to raise towards my face but he seems to think better of it, "I'm not someone who wakes very quickly, and my brain tends to lag even further behind my body...I'm sorry for all the questions. I wanted to understand, to help, but I shouldn't have pushed..."
"No Rafael, I'm sorry...I fell into old patterns and just crept out and didn't want to share..."
'Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love'
"It has to have been scary...especially if you didn't know why you felt like that..."