A/N Intala; Thank you, I feel kind of twisted but I love the stumbles too. It's not easy to open yourself up, especially when you're scared and tired and half awake...and sometimes no matter how good your intentions, the words just won't come...and you have to be happy with just not physically running away...or at least only running a little way...it's a process I guess, and it's not fast...
This is based on a song that when I heard it once the lyric haunted me...it's "Too late for Hallelujah" by Daniel Paul Meskell/M. Sharon Vaughn/Carl Anthony Falk, I found a version online I love, its by Aslan...
'How did you dance
If you never held someone?'
I didn't ever get back to sleep.
I didn't say any of the things I wanted to tell him.
He tried everything he could think of, to convince me to try to get more sleep, but even with his offer to take the couch, I knew I wasn't sleeping anymore.
He wouldn't go back to bed without me and insisted on making me some tea.
As he passed me a cup of warm tea with a gentle smile, his fingers softly stroked mine. I met his eyes and tried to return his smile.
"I really am sorry Rafael..."
"No Liv, there is nothing to be sorry about..." he reassures, taking my other hand in his.
I can't help but notice he is holding my hand just as he had said he would...
He doesn't look uncomfortable sitting here beside me, at this time of the morning, he looks a little tired and I can still his concern, but there's no anger, no irritation, no frustration.
My hand reaches out to his face, before I can stop it, stroking his cheek, reaching up to run through his wild hair.
"I like your hair like this..." I tease gently.
He rolls his eyes, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a smile.
I lean into him slightly as he takes my cue and happily winds his arms around me.
I'm sure he can feel my relaxed body against his, but still, he asks softly, before he moves us around, until we are stretched out along the couch, with me nestled happily between his legs, with his arms wrapped around me.
We don't talk, we just watch the sky lighten, holding hands, our bodies close, as morning breaks, and oranges and pinky tones dapple the sky.
I can't help but compare this morning to yesterday morning...the comparison is not favorable but he is still here and that gives me hope...
The TV plays quietly in the corner, the early morning news bulletins further reinforcing the beginning of a new day.
A soft kiss on my head brings my attention to him. "I don't ever want to leave here" a small kiss is placed on my cheek, "but why don't you have a bath while I make us some breakfast and coffee?" another soft kiss finds my neck.
I twist to try and see the time, as he assures me we have plenty of time.
I pull his face to me, placing a flurry of small kisses all across it. The smile that greets me when I pull away, makes it very clear that there is no resentment, or bad feelings on his part, from last night.
I get to my feet pulling him up behind me, telling him a long shower sounds good, pointing him at the kitchen.
As I step into the bathroom I can't resist poking my head back around to him, "Don't set fire to anything..."
The belly laugh that greets my comment sends me into my shower happy.
The hot water is cleansing, washing away some of the night's darkness along with shampoo suds. I allow the water to soothe my body the way my interrupted sleep didn't get to...
In the light of day, as I lather up my skin, I can't help feeling that even the steps back and the stumbles, may be taking me closer to where I want to get to. I no longer use a loofah to scrub my skin raw, trying to clean off the imagined filth. I no longer need a sponge to separate me from my own hand because even it's necessary cleansing touch made me feel sick and even filthier. I am making progress. I trust him more with every day and I'm beginning to be able to imagine a day when I will be able to enjoy his body, and my own, fully...
I push the thoughts away, sad in the knowledge it still isn't going to be today though, silently hoping it could be tomorrow...
As I dry off, and dress for work, a delicious smell wafts through the apartment. I pad into the kitchen in pants and a shirt, toweling my hair, my feet still bare, unable to contain my curiosity for a moment longer.
As my arms slip around his waist, he is serving up three plates of pancakes and some sort of bacon and egg scramble that smells divine. He pulls me around his body, tugging me gently into a proper hug, and then leads me to where he has set three places at the table.
He guides me into the chair where he sets down a steaming plate of food, and a mug of fresh coffee, in front of me.
He quickly grabs his own plate and coffee joining me at the table, as I take a big forkful of the enticing breakfast.
"Oh my god Rafael, this is amazing..." I gush, immediately reaching for more.
He smiles warmly, "It was my grandmother's recipe, a weekend treat when I was little...I lifted Noah's before I added the hot sauce, in case it would be too much for him."
I reach out to him again, my hand stroking his cheek. He kisses my hand softly, telling me to enjoy my breakfast.
I barely get another forkful to my mouth when a little voice calls "Mama".
When I return with Noah, his high chair has been pulled over and his breakfast awaits him. We both laugh as Noah gives it his seal of approval shoving it into his mouth happily.
Rafael only helps my morning routine along, as he showers and dresses and then plays with Noah as I do my hair and makeup.
He needs to be in a little early this morning, and reluctantly leaves me with a gentle kiss about a half hour before Lucy arrives, and then I also head to work, very grateful that it is Friday.
There is no awkwardness as I sweep into my office, with Carisi in tow, telling me about yesterday's leads. I send him off to check up an alibi with Amanda as Fin arrives in.
"Morning Liv" he gestures after Carisi and Amanda "Anything new?"
I shake my head, "Just have them checking that alibi, it sounds a little weak..."
He nods knowingly "Tell me about it..."
I can feel his eyes on me as he tries to decide whether he should say something.
"I'm ok Fin. Yesterday helped...I'm just a little tired" I know he will probably notice it so I opt to volunteer it. "I was just up very early this morning..."
"Noah have a bad night?"
Again I shake my head..."No he's fine, ...thank you Fin" knowing that he would worry, "I guess I did..."
"I suppose it's to be expected..." he says wisely.
I smile sadly at him, "I know, I just wished it made it any easier..."
"It will get easier though..."
I nod, "How are you Fin?"
He shrugs lightly, "I guess I'm not sleeping great either..."
I can see he looks a bit more tired than usual.
A strange silence descends, at our admissions that sleep isn't coming easily again. It isn't a comfortable silence, there's too much just below the surface...
"I nearly didn't get there..."
He breaks the artificial silence, seemingly willing to be the one to take the next step. I can see this haunts him and I know how hard it was for him to say...
"But you did Fin...you saved me...I can't help but think about what would have happened if you hadn't sometimes..."
He nods his own corroboration.
"He would have raped me...but I worry he might have killed me too..."
I look down at my desk as I say the words but once they have left my lips I look up to him again.
He nods sadly, again validating my concerns.
"He really might have..."
I know Fin too well by now, I know these things haunt him but it's not what is keeping him awake...I can see it in his face..."What is it Fin, what is the thing that keeps you awake?"
He shuffles slightly, his eyes downcast but stays silent.
'What have you got
That you can leave behind?
If it fits in a box
Was it a waste of time?
What have you learnt?
Did you stop to write it down?'
"Please Fin, I know sometimes it's the small details that just won't let go...after Harris...after the basement...it was the sound of his baton against the fence...It's so stupid, not the feel of his hands, or what he said or did, it was the sound of that baton, that was what had me waking up in a cold sweat..."
His hands are fisted and his whole body seems to be pulled tight. He can't meet my eyes...I know this is long overdue, it seems hard to believe this is really the first time we have talked about this, but it still seems too soon.
My heart is racing, I want to know but I can't hear it.
His eyes are squeezed tightly closed.
I can see he is trying to control his breathing, trying to calm himself.
His eyes open, as he sucks in a series of quick, shallow, breaths.
He doesn't want to say it and I don't want to hear it but we both know it's time...
He steps back against the wall, like he wants to distance himself and maybe he needs its support.
"It was your cries..." his voice is shaky, husky with emotion he is desperately trying to hold back, the words almost a whisper, as if he is trying to deny they were ever said by barely allowing them out...
I nod, knowing what he means; I know even to my ears, they had felt foreign, like they were someone else's.
"What he has to have done...to make you cry like that...the shock on your face when I got closer..."
His lip trembles as he says it.
'Do you deserve?
How cold you feel right now?
You never needed anyone
But you need someone today'
I know I should say something, but there is nothing...
I know there is though...I can do something I have always resisted doing...I can tell him what happened...no, not what happened...what I felt...I'm sure that even if he wasn't so sure at the time, he now knows he didn't rape me, he saw the bruise on my face, he saw how I held my ribs, he saw I had taken some sort of beating, he saw I was handcuffed to a door, with Harris in front of me, his pants pooled around his ankles, he saw his hands forcing my face to him, I told him he got there in time so I think he knows that he didn't...but he doesn't know how it felt...
In these past couple of days, I have given him little bits, but he was there, maybe he needs to hear it all...I let the dam break and the whispered words flow surprisingly easily...
"I was relieved, that it was Harris, not Parker...I really thought Parker was our perp...I was so relieved I lost focus...and then there was a mattress in front of me...and everything I ever knew was gone. I wasn't a cop, I was just a terrified mess...I asked him what he wanted, trying to find a way to bargain my way out...He told me he wanted what every guy wants...those words, I don't think I've ever really gotten them out of my head, no matter how hard I try it still feels like he was telling me a huge, universal, but long denied truth, that it really is what every guy wants, and that they will take it if it's not willingly given..."
I hate how the words sound but it is how it felt, how it still sometimes feels no matter how hard I tell myself it's just not true.
"...My heart dropped, I couldn't breathe...the fear...I'd never felt anything like it...I can't describe it...It was all that I was...It was all I could feel...when he grabbed my face and told me I was going to give it to him, it felt like he already owned me...like it was already too late...I had nearly accepted my fate...but when he threw me down on the mattress, I couldn't help it, I started screaming for help...he told me no one could hear me, and I knew it, but I couldn't help it...I fought him but he threw me around like a rag doll...I was so desperate...I wasn't thinking...none of my training mattered, it was all gone...He pushed me up against the wall, telling me to shut up, I could feel him, he un-cuffed one of my hands because with them behind my back...I finally found some of my training, I elbowed back..."
My hands re-enact everything as I say it, wild gestures reflecting the panic that even now, fills me as I allow these memories in...I hate that when I talk about myself like this, I sound like a victim. I can't use the words I know so well...I resort to the familiar 'him' with a quick gesture down to my crotch, when I know I should be saying I could feel his penis pressing up against me, I want to say that I know he didn't want to rip my jumpsuit off, but with my hands behind my back he couldn't take it off, and if he couldn't take it off he couldn't rape me, but what comes out is that 'he un-cuffed one of my hands because with them behind my back...'.
I hate that I sound like this, vague, childish references and stupid implied, half finished sentences instead of clear facts...
Enough! This has to stop!
'You never needed anyone
But you need someone today
When it all breaks down
When it all breaks up
And it's too late now
Too late for Hallelujah
When you burn and fall'
"I hate that I can't say it, I sound like every other victim, who has never thought about this, who has no words, who hasn't got a large, often used, vocabulary ...I'm not, I say these words everyday, I don't need to struggle to find a vocabulary I just don't possess ...when he pushed me up against the wall, I could feel...his penis...it was hardening...my fear and fighting was arousing him...He un-cuffed my hands because he couldn't rape me with my clothes on...it was a jumpsuit...the only way to get it off, unless he ripped it, was to un-cuff me...He was trying to take my clothes off so he could rape me..."
I feel a small victory in saying the words, there's a twisted power in them.
'I used to hear you say
Nothing can change your mind
Look at how the angels pray
Only the truth survives'
"When I elbowed back, I caught his face...I can't say there was any conscious thought but I ran from him, hiding from him...while I was cowering, hiding behind anything I could find,...that's when he was running the baton along the fence,... that sound...he was warning me I was making it worse...and all I could do was hide...when the torch found me...I was so scared...I gave up...he hit me across the stomach and then across my the back of my legs...and I lashed out, I elbowed him in the crotch, and ran to the door...but it was locked, I pulled at it, banging and uselessly screaming for help... when I tried to turn to see where he was, he was right there...he punched me, in my face...and cuffed me to the door...he told me if I bit him I was dead..."
I have said the words...in a way I have never said them before...there's a freedom in the honesty, but still I'm shaking...and again tears flow down my face. It feels like my face hasn't been dry since I heard the news of his death...
The whole time I was talking I stared at a spot on the carpet, unwilling to look at the man I was talking to, or at anything that may give me any comfort, for fear of forever tainting it with an association to the memories...
When I do look to Fin, his face is hidden, he has dropped into a chair at some point and his head is bowed, his body leaning over so his face is completely concealed.
I desperately need to see he is not trying to hide disgust from me, no matter how hard I try to convince myself it's not, I need to see it to know, but I also need to allow him this small privacy.
I'm so conscious of boundaries and keeping true to our relationship, we do hug on occasion, and its not uncomfortable but it's reserved for 'special occasions'. We don't just hug for no reason but I want to hug him now.
I throw caution and propriety and all my stupid rules aside and fall to my knees in front of him, gently wrapping my arms around him.
'How did it taste
At your table for one?
How did you dance
If you never held someone?'
I need the comfort as much as he does and he gladly returns my embrace.
"You know I'm always here for you Liv..." his voice promises softly.
"I know Fin, I just find it so hard...I'm trying to change but..."
You never asked for anything
And that's exactly what you've got
Desperately you tried to change
But every skin just feels the same
When it all breaks down
When it all breaks up
And it's too late now
Too late for Hallelujah
He seems to hear my words on a deeper level and no longer tries to hide his tears as I sit into a chair beside him.
"Maybe not having so many unknowns will help you sleep Fin?"
"And what helps you sleep Liv?"
I take a deep breath, knowing I can tell him anything, but feeling hugely nervous regardless. I know my words will come as no surprise to him, he has already almost said as much to me but still...
"Barba..."
He nods, a small smile flicking across his lips "He's a good guy..."
"It's still so...new...but he has been amazing...he sat with me this morning when I woke up in a panic...and the first night when I had a nightmare...but I'm scared...I don't want to screw things up...not just at home but this could cause problems here too..."
"Don't think about work Liv...if he makes you happy...concentrate on that first..."
I nod that I have heard him, still not so sure...
I see a flicker of typical protective Fin as his eyes narrow..."Is he pressuring you?"
I shake my head quickly..."The complete opposite, Fin..."
He can still see there is a problem though, and he thinks very carefully, "So what is it Liv?"
I know I need to say this, and I trust Fin, he's my brother...but it's so hard to say...
"Just being there for me, it's so hard for him...he's always trying to say and do the right things...he's so careful to not scare me...it's too much pressure...we're talking, in ways I didn't think were possible...but I'm worried for him..."
"Just like you were worried for me..."
I shouldn't be surprised at Fin's amazing deductive jumps, but still this manages to astonish me.
Again he looks at me with a raised eyebrow as if it was obvious, "Amanda was too eager to talk..."
I shrug, not willing to apologize, "Who do you talk to?" I ask by means of an explanation.
"Seemingly Amanda now..." he teases lightly, "Nah though I do appreciate the thought Liv...and we did talk...I guess we both needed someone to let it out with..."
He sucks in deeply, "Back in the day, I spoke a bit to Melinda...she didn't give me much of a choice either..." he chuckles.
"I guess sometimes I need a little push..."
I know he recognizes a kindred spirit in me, and I nod thoughtfully.
"Maybe I could give Barba a gentle shove too..." It's a statement. There is no question and I know he isn't asking, but he is still allowing me to say whatever I need to.
I nod gratefully.
'When it all breaks down
When it all breaks up
And it's too late now
Too late for Hallelujah'