A/N Intala; Thank you as always...

MrsChilton; I'm glad that you liked Fin promising to try to talk to Barba after everything she told him, it felt like a really big deal that she told him, and as always Fin knew just what to do...I appreciate any review, no matter how long or short, detailed or not...
I don't and didn't have a Rafael, but I can't help wondering if that was a good thing, I only had to consider myself...and maybe I wasn't ready for one...I am lucky and have always found that someone has been there for me.
Work can be a fantastic distraction, but it can be a little hard to not hide in it too...yep, it is just a sad fact of life that things are different for women, we unfortunately have to be careful in ways that men just don't.
I don't think that people necessarily intend to be mean, I know that the man who compared trying to describe embarrassing details to people knowing what he did with his wife, was trying to relate...he was completely unequipped to deal with the conversation he found himself in, and was trying to make it feel less lonely, his words did hurt but his intent was the opposite...he was the most amazing supportive man, even some badly chosen words that hurt, are better sometimes than not trying...mistakes are almost inevitable especially when trying to scramble against shock, who has the tools to faultlessly navigate something like that?
The woman who was worried about it inadvertently making things harder for other women, she wasn't far wrong really, much as it hurt to hear...sometimes truth hurts and it takes bravery to not just talk about it but to say things that may be hard to hear...sometimes the conversations that are really worth having are the ones we know will hurt...the guy who sneered, I reckon he was a bit mean, but who knows...maybe even that can give you a certain strength?
Thank you so much...

PiperKitty86: Thank you so much for the follow...

It might seem like an odd use of the song but it feels right, bittersweet..."Time of your Life" by Greenday...

Is that a fair exchange though?

'Another turning point

A fork stuck in the road'

The words continue to rattle around my head...my emotions driving the answer that changes with every development or piece of information the afternoon brings.

As I start to prepare for a trial due to start next week, it feels like it may be worth the sacrifices, as I wade through my notes, the evidence seems too strong for the defendant to wriggle out of a serious conviction.

My position is quickly reversed; when I have to dispatch Fin and Carisi out to yet another victim, who won't ever get the opportunity to heal, and it feels like I am trying to single handedly hold back the ocean.

A gentle tap on my open door pulls me from the files and I find Amanda standing there.

"Sarge, the guys have very little to work with on this one, she's been washed up in a pretty desolate area, after being thrown into the Hudson...they suggested we head out, we can't do much until the M.E. can give us more to work with..."

I nod sadly, looking at the clock, surprised to find it is nearly 6:30pm.

"Liv, have you got time to maybe grab a coffee, you look like you could do with a chat?"

It is unusual for me to even think about leaving this early on a Friday so I know Lucy won't expect me yet...and she is right, I could do with a chat.

I nod softly, smiling, "On one condition Amanda...let's make it a drink instead of coffee?"

"That sounds much better..." she laughs.

As we sit into a booth in our regular bar, I'm glad to find it is still pretty quiet, as we both look at the food menu hungrily, neither of us willing to impose on the other's time further, until we realize we are both eyeing it covetously.

Laughingly we reach for the menus, she chooses a blue cheese burger with fries and a beer, I similarly opt for a burger, the house special, with bacon, cheese and an array of other toppings, with fries and a red wine.

The server who takes our order is back in no time with our drinks and we comfortably sit back taking the first sip of our drinks.

"How are you Liv?" she asks lightly, but her concern is clear, in the pale blue eyes that study me protectively.

I consider carefully, for a moment, battling the urge to say 'I'm fine', settling instead on an honest, but not too revealing "It's been a hard few days..."

She nods understandingly, and I remind myself, that she does understand and I can't keep it all to myself anymore, trying to also remember how that tactic never worked particularly well anyway.

"Amanda do you ever wonder if it's really worth it? What we do..."

She takes a big breath, "Only every second day..."

I smile sadly.

She seems to consider again, and I can see she too, is fighting an internal battle to reveal things she would rather keep inside.

'Time grabs you by the wrist

Directs you where to go

So make the best of this test

And don't ask why

It's not a question

But a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable

But in the end it's right'

"After... Patton..." his name is almost whispered, "when I was in Costa Rica...there was so much going through my head, I wanted to be back at work but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it anymore...and I was afraid of facing everyone, now that they all knew...It is different now..."

I'm so grateful to her for her frankness, and I feel a responsibility to return that same honesty, ...and I feel a relief, that she really may understand...

"I remember how terrified I was coming back after Lewis kidnapped me..."

Her eyes flick shyly up to mine as she takes another sip from her beer.

"It's not just Harris's death, I've been feeling for a while, maybe I'm not in the right place..."

She tips her head slightly to one side, silently questioning...

"I'm not who I was..." I shrug, "I hate that it might be letting them win, but sometimes it just feels too much..."

"Sometimes it is too much Liv. Especially when you are fragile..."

"You asked me once Amanda, how I can trust any man, after working there...I suppose I don't really trust anyone except the team..."

"Because no one else really understands..." she says softly, finishing my thought for me.

I nod in agreement as our server returns with our dinner. We both busy ourselves with our food, for a few minutes, adding mustard or ketchup and stuffing the first bites into our mouths.

"I guess what I've always found, is that a particularly bad case or something hitting too close to home makes it worse...and then it feels insurmountable...but I like my job...and that doubt always fades...sometimes with a little help..." she says between a sip of beer and a mouthful of burger.

I know she's right and I've felt that plenty of times, but I can't help feeling that this is different.

She seems to hear what I am thinking, "Lewis,... it only finished a little over a year ago, and there's been so much since then...Nadia, Johnny D, Nick getting shot and leaving...Patton...and now this..."

'So take the photographs

And still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf

In good health and good time'

I find myself incredibly grateful for the food and drink in front of us, it is allowing us time to think without any noticeable gaps in the conversation as we eat and drink. I make a mental note to myself to remember this for future difficult discussions.

I nod, taking a sip of my wine, "I know...it's just hard...it's comforting that I'm not the only one..."

"You're not Liv. Some days it's all I can do to remember it's over, and you guys have got my back...and sometimes when a detail hits too close to home, it's hard to trust anyone outside of you guys...I can trust anyone in blue to make sure I don't get shot, but somehow trusting them with my life is a lot easier than trusting them not to really hurt me..."

'Tattoos of memories

And dead skin on trial'

And just like that, she has managed to encapsulate everything I was thinking, everything I was secretly afraid of, into that one statement. I struggle to control the tears that try to rush forward. She looks at me with worry when she sees the tears gather until I nod softly, and she understands that she has said what I was thinking to some degree.

"You can always talk to me,...or Fin...or Carisi..."

I nod smiling, shaking off the tears, and reaching for my burger.

"...or Barba..." she adds, unable to hide the small grin that flickers across her lips.

I can feel the redness creeping across my face as I hurriedly shove fries into my mouth.

"He has been amazing..." I can't help but acknowledge when I can't chew on the food any longer.

"Good...I'm glad he's been there for you." She adds, a big sincere smile beaming across at me. "I know how hard relationships can be, after...what we've been through...and that some things you just don't want to talk to the guys about...when you are ready...if you want to talk to someone...please don't feel awkward..."

Her words are a little stuttered as if she doesn't quite know how to say what she is trying for, but as I look at her I can see she isn't embarrassed and her words are very sincere.

I cannot help but be amazed again, at how far she has come in a few months. She is not completely healed, by any stretch, but she is so much more open now. Again I feel a responsibility to return her openness even though it is slightly reluctant.

"Uuuggghhh, it still just doesn't come naturally to me, to talk about myself, my private life, like this..."

'For what it's worth

It was worth all the while'

She smiles knowingly, giving me her best 'tell me about it' look, "But it does make things better..."

I nod, understanding that in this role reversal we are both showing our trust.

"It is difficult...and I'm still not ready...but we are talking, a lot...and he is so patient...he's doing a lot of research to help him and me...he is doing everything he can to understand and help..."

She nods approvingly through a mouthful of burger. As she washes it down with a sip of beer she adds, "That sounds like a good way to go..."

'It's something unpredictable

But in the end it's right'

Now that I've started to talk, it's nearly hard to stop as I confess quietly, "It's working...not without stumbles but it is definitely working..."

She laughs gently but approvingly, "It sounds like a good way to start any relationship really..."

Her words really strike home. "It sounds like a good way to start any relationship really...". I repeat them in my head a few times, "That's a pretty good point Amanda...I was worrying a little about how to go about progressing things but maybe that's the point...stop concentrating only on what I am not ready for, and do some of the stuff we did as teenagers..."

She almost chokes on her beer in her eagerness to swallow it down to be able to answer me. "Oh god yes! All that kissing and gentle touching...why did we ever stop doing that?"

We both laugh wholeheartedly, neither of us needing the answer.

I feel a huge amount better as we sit laughing, exchanging stories of teenage crushes and relatively innocent kisses.

We are both still laughing happily as we finish our meals and split the check.

As we finish our drinks and start to say goodnight, she leans into me "You're amazing at this job Liv, I can't imagine SVU without you, you have helped so many people, including me,...I'd never have gotten to this point without you...I can't even begin to thank you...and I really would suggest that you let things calm before you make any big decisions, but you have to put yourself first, and if it really is too much, you have to do what you need to, I'm sure half the department would love to have you...the guys and me, we all have your back and we're always here if you want to talk, about anything...what you went through, no one can begin to understand...I know it's hard to go back to a workplace where something like that happened, I couldn't do it, I ran away from Atlanta, got transferred here...if it's what you need to do we'll all support you...I wouldn't have been able to stay here if it wasn't for you...whatever you need..."

'It's something unpredictable

But in the end it's right

I hope you had the time of your life'

In that moment I feel like I make a difference, I have, in some small way, managed to help this strong woman, and in return, I have made a firm friend.

We have a new victim today, who is nearly beyond our help but we will try to track down whoever hurt her, we have another case about to start trial, which looks like it will have a good outcome and many other cases are being worked on, it feels like the scales has tipped slightly in our favor.

The matter is by no means resolved. I know that I still need to carve out an identity for myself that doesn't only revolve around being Noah's mom and an SVU cop. I need to figure out who I really am when I'm not working? I need to relearn how to trust my judgment.

None of these things can be done overnight. They will take a lot of time and effort but I know that my team, my family, will be there to help me and that makes a huge difference. It's less insurmountable...

I know that after the last two nights of looking after me, Rafael must have a huge amount of work to catch up on and as I leave Amanda, my finger hovers over his name on my phone.

I want to hear his voice but I don't want to appear too needy, he must be busy...

I resolve to leave him alone.

But as I try to hail down a cab to take me home, the new more open Liv reminds me that he is the one that is constantly coming to me. I dismiss the option of bringing dinner or coffee to his office, conscious of the appearance of that action and anxious to maintain our professional separation. I pull out my phone and after much reworking and typing then deleting, I send him a text;

[Know you must have loads of work to catch up on, I'm just heading home. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and hope to see you over the weekend, if you have time...Liv]

I stuff the phone back into my pocket not willing to watch the screen waiting for the ticks that will tell me he has received and read it, or the dots that will tell me he is typing an answer. I will not allow myself this weakness, but when only seconds later my phone alerts me to a new text, I cannot control the smile that lights up my face as I see his name...

[I hope you had a good day. I will be working for another while...I wouldn't want to wake you?]

I quickly type an answer not caring enough to filter heavily...

[If you're not too tired, I will still be up...]

This time I watch the screen as dots appear almost as soon as the message lands...

[I'll be done soon after 10. See you then]

Again I type before I can allow the fear to stop me...

[Don't rush, if you want to go home and grab a few things first?...I sleep better with you in my bed...]

He starts to answer immediately...

[I sleep better beside you too. See you about 11?]

I can barely contain my happiness as I quickly text back...

[See you then]

I throw the phone back into my pocket happily. Hailing down a cab to take me home.

As the cab winds its way through busy streets I can't help planning this evening a little. My earlier idea of kissing and gentle touching like when we were teenagers has ignited a spark; I want to feel his touch again. I want to feel his skin again. I dismiss last night's failure, trying instead to find the lesson it can teach me, maybe it is too soon to take his shirt off to sleep?

I feel confident as I step out of the taxi, and head up to my apartment.

Lucy greets me warmly, telling me all about Noah's day, as I apologize for not getting home earlier, telling her how I went for a quick drink and grabbed something to eat with Amanda. She quickly dismisses my apology telling me that Friday is the one day I always work late and never get home before Noah goes to bed, she reminds me how every other day I run home to spend as much time as I can with my little boy, and she's delighted I had a little fun.

I smile broadly, immensely grateful for her understanding and support, though I didn't explain everything that went on, she knows that I had some difficult news a couple of days ago, that affected me enough to stop me working yesterday, and she had offered to keep Noah for as long as I needed.

I thank her sincerely, telling her how much I appreciate all her help as she leaves promising that all I need do is call if I need anything over the weekend.

I immediately go in to check on Noah, kissing him softly on the forehead, smiling at the dinosaur he clutches even in sleep.

I decide to take a warm shower, changing into a pair of sleep shorts and a light t-shirt. I wouldn't normally wear such scant clothing, even just to lounge around for a couple of hours before bed. I would normally put on yoga pants instead and only change into the sleep shorts as I crawled into my bed. I spend a few minutes debating my clothing choice in the mirror. I like the rich electric blue of the shorts against the skin of my legs, and the soft cotton, white t-shirt is quite flattering against my coloring. I'm surprised at how I feel no discomfort at the bare legs and arms that stare back at me, instead I'm evaluating how my skin looks against the clothes and how my legs look in shorts. I can't help remembering how the woman I was before, was happy to work out in the precinct in clothes like this...how at ease I was in any clothes...instead of allowing myself to be upset by this comparison, I choose to see it as a little of that woman coming back, that I am comfortable in these clothes in my apartment, with a visitor coming.

I slip back out to the kitchen choosing to make myself some tea, conscious that I have already had a glass of wine with dinner, I opt to wait until Rafael arrives before considering another, conscious of how the nightmares always seemed to be worse when I drank more than I normally would.

'I hope you had the time of your life'