A/N Intala; you never let me down...thank you. I'm not sure whether it was 'Liv and Amanda' or 'Liv and Rafael' that was sweet, but Amanda 'gets it', she understands what so many others can only try to...she wants to return the support that Liv gave her and feels kindda privileged to be able to...I reckon Rafael knows how hard it is for her and has his own issues about putting himself out there...I reckon only someone who is nearly as closed off as she is could possibly allow this openness...because they both know how hard won it is...
So this is based on "Something inside so strong" by Labi Siffre, sometimes your real strength shows itself even when you are so scared you are shaking, and sometimes it seems to appear with no effort...breaking any barriers takes strength, however it comes about...
I slip back out to the kitchen choosing to make myself some tea, conscious that I have already had a glass of wine with dinner, I opt to wait until Rafael arrives before considering another, conscious of how the nightmares always seemed to be worse when I drank more than I normally would.
I settle down and watch some of the TV shows I have recorded over the week, sipping the warm tea, feeling relaxed as I curl my bare legs up beside me.
When the clock has barely ticked past 10, my phone beeps softly...
[Just leaving work now, are you still up? Is it still ok if I come over?]
I smile at his thoughtfulness, answering quickly...
[Yes, looking forward to seeing you...]
I can't help the small flutter in my stomach as I try to turn my attention back to the TV but it is half hearted at best, until a few minutes before 11 when there is a very gentle knock at my door.
He steps past me, quickly taking in my attire "Are you sure you weren't just going to bed Liv?"
I shake my head reaching my arms around his waist, my lips softly finding his.
That smirk appears on his lips as I pull back, "If I'd known I would be greeted like this..." he gestures to my outfit and to his lips, "I would have let the work wait..."
I smile as he shrugs his jacket off, opening his collar and pulling down his tie as he has done on entering any room, other than the court room, that he plans on being in, for any length of time, for as long as I have known him. The habit that used to slightly irritate me, and result in much eye rolling has a very different effect on me now.
I feel my pulse quicken as I watch him, before he takes me into his arms and asks how my day was? I can't resist his lips, kissing him yet again.
"It was good...it felt almost normal." I tell him as we head towards the couch and I cuddle into him.
After a few minutes of lying in his arms, I stand up self-confidently, flicking through my phone, pressing play on some of my favorite songs, I set the phone on the table reaching my hand for him. He looks at me questioningly as he gets to his feet...
"Rafael do you remember school dances when you were a young teenager?"
He rolls his eyes at the memory...
"When you would ask the girl you liked to dance, just so you could feel her in your arms?"
This seems to interest him more...
"Will you dance with me Rafael?"
He nods eagerly, smiling as he wraps his arms around me, starting to dance.
I'm surprised as he shows a hidden talent for dancing. He isn't merely shuffling his feet a little as so many men do, he is moving to the music, not just his feet, his hips, his arms, his whole body,...
"Why didn't I know you could dance?" I question, as I rediscover the pleasure of feeling the music guide my body's movements.
He just shrugs as if it was always obvious he could.
We move comfortably around the living room, happy in each other's arms for a few songs before he pushes my hair back from my face asking, "What made you want to dance Liv?"
"I realised earlier, that instead of concentrating on what I'm not ready to do, we should be doing some of the things we did as teenagers, like asking a girl to dance to feel her in your arms..."
He smiles broadly as he understands. Nodding approvingly as he pulls me tightly to him and continues to move.
As we did when we were teenagers, we take every opportunity to feel as much of our partner's clothed body as we can. His hands gently running from my waist, up my sides, across my back as my hands run across his back and up his arms. The music and our whirling movements anchoring me to my body in a way I couldn't have anticipated. There is no separation between my body and me, we are one, I inhabit my own skin. As the music swells and wanes we move in time, my body reacting to his, my mind at ease, enjoying the feelings my body communicates.
Like all my playlists, it is a collection of songs I like, with little attention paid to their tempo, and when a slower song starts, he chuckles softly.
"The slow songs were always my favorite..."
'The higher you build your barriers the taller I become
The farther you take my rights away the faster I will run
You can deny me, you can decide to turn your face away
No matter 'cause there's
Something inside so strong'
He pulls me to him, his arms winding tightly around my waist, leaning in and placing a small kiss on my lips. I rest my arms on his shoulders, pulling his head back to me, deepening the kiss.
'I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh, no, something inside so strong
there's something inside so strong
The more you refuse to hear my voice the louder I will sing
You hide behind walls of Jericho, your lies will come tumbling
Deny my place in time, you squander wealth that's mine
My light will shine so brightly, it will blind you 'cause there's'
I pull his shirt out of his pants, letting my hands explore his skin, much as I had a couple of days ago. His hands are moving on my body, above my clothes, until I guide them under the hem of my loose shirt. His touch is so tender as he strokes my skin.
Again he shows no distinction between the scarred skin and the rest of me, as his fingers deftly move across my stomach.
'Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
But you're doing me wrong so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh, no, something inside so strong
theres something inside so strong'
My hands slip from under his shirt, slowly starting to unbutton it, getting two undone before deciding his tie needs to go...
'Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just good not enough
When we know better
Just look 'em in the eyes and say
I'm gonna do it anyway'
As I pull the patterned silk from around his neck, he groans slightly into where his lips are working down my neck.
With his tie thrown carelessly behind him, I switch back to unbuttoning his shirt, eagerly running my hands up his chest as it falls open.
Still not content with my access to his skin, I push the suspenders from his shoulders, trying to push the shirt down his arms.
'Because there's something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
But you're doing me so wrong
Oh, no, something inside so strong
there's something inside so strong'
The music is forgotten as he reluctantly takes his hands from beneath my shirt for long enough to aid me in my task to rid him of his shirt. As the fabric falls away, I start to trace small kisses down his neck, licking and kissing down onto his shoulder and across his chest.
"Liv..." his voice is husky, and pleading.
My hands wander up his soft skin, the fingers slowly moving up to meet where my mouth is, tracing circles alongside my exploring lips and tongue.
I lift my head, trying to pull him tighter to my body, to meet his lips again but he pulls his hips back. My hands drop lower, again trying to pull him back into me.
"Liv..." he whispers throatily.
"It's ok Rafael...it's you, you wouldn't hurt me..." I know I'm saying the words as much for him as I am for myself. He needs to be reassured that he won't scare me.
I feel him slowly relax the muscles that were pulling him away from me but he has not moved any closer, he is allowing me to direct things, silently reminding me that I am the one in control...
I slowly pull him to me, immediately feeling the reaction I have stirred in his body. He has stilled his hands and he tenses his hips as he feels our bodies touch.
But there is no fear.
There is no confusion.
I know exactly who I can feel lightly pressing up against me and I can feel my own body reacting.
I lean my lips into his, my tongue searching his, my hands continuing their exploration of his torso before he relaxes again. I can feel he is still cautious not to press himself into me too much, but his hands resume their journey.
Again I want more, I guide his hands further up my shirt, slowly raising my arms, silently asking him to take it off...
He takes a tiny step back looking into my eyes..."Are you sure Liv?"
I just push his hands up even further, the shirt lifting higher up my belly as I once more raise my arms.
He pulls the shirt carefully over my head, never letting his eyes leave mine.
As I lower my arms, I gently take his hands in mine, kissing them softly, nervously stepping back the tiniest amount, inviting him to look at me, giving him the explicit permission I know he is waiting for.
I can see the desire in his eyes as his eyes take me in, his hands now beginning to roam the newly exposed skin with his eyes, "God Liv, you're beautiful..." he croaks.
After a few moments of allowing his eyes to follow his hands I want to feel his skin against mine and I pull him to me. I can feel his hardness against my thigh as I press my body to his and surprisingly instead of doing anything to quell my desire, it heightens it further and I take his hands once more, wrapping them around my back, resting them on the catch of my bra.
He moans softly into my mouth, "Liv..."
I silence his protest with my tongue, "I'm...in ...control..." I sound out between kisses as he undoes the catch and the back falls open.
With the way our bodies are pressed together the bra barely moves except for the open back.
"Take it off me..." I whisper seductively into his ear.
Again he removes it with his eyes carefully locked on mine in case I regret the action. I don't...so I place a hand softly on the back of his head kissing him again before I gently guide his head down. He traces a soft line of kisses down my neck, my collarbone and onto my chest...it is pure bliss. My head falls back as his dips down and I feel his lips on the top of my breast. He lavishes attention on my chest with his hands and his mouth, sucking, licking, stroking as my hands can only grasp his biceps.
Slowly his kisses trace back up my neck and his lips hungrily find mine, his bare chest pressing against mine for the first time. The sensation is fantastic. My body is alive with pleasure. His mouth is on mine and his hands are softly caressing the sides of my breasts as his chest softly rubs against my sensitive nipples. I can feel how much he is enjoying this, in the hard flesh lightly pressed against my hip, I never want this to end...I want more...
My body calls for more as my mind asks "what does 'more' mean?".
I tilt my head slightly to one side as his tongue softly traces its way to the pulse point thumping away on my neck, teasing the sensitive flesh with his lips and tongue.
My foggy brain is still trying to decipher what the 'more' my body wants is? I'm only wearing sleep shorts and underwear...
As he tips his head back up to find my lips, I kiss him softly, resting my forehead gently on his...I know he is caught up in the same pleasure I can still feel radiating through my body and when he begins to move his head from where my forehead is resting against his, I softly call his name..."Rafael..."
This seems to penetrate through to his brain..."Are you ok Liv?" he rasps.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders as he rests his forehead back against mine.
I nod softly as his arms wind around my waist.
My throaty voice whispers, "I'm sorry Rafael, that's all I'm comfortable with..."
His head rises quickly, and I unconsciously mirror his movement, "Don't ever apologize to me for that,...you can say stop at any time...do you hear me?"
His voice is still heavy with desire, but his words are strong.
"Are you ok?" he asks worriedly, not sure what I want him to do.
I nod quickly, "Just hold me?"
I'm sure that my warm skin is now teasing him horribly, but he pulls me to him carefully trying to pull his hips back at the same time. I place my hands on his hips stilling him.
He sees that we are right beside the couch and pulls us onto it, with him completely encircling my body and letting my head lean on his shoulder.
I can hear his heart thudding away from just below where my head rests.
"My body wanted more..." I whisper as he nods placing a soft kiss on my head..."...it felt so good..."
His hands pulls my face up, until I meet his eyes, he nods for me to continue, "...my head seemed to just switch back on...asking what 'more' meant...that didn't happen when I took off your shirt or you took mine off...I wasn't afraid or triggered...it just felt like...enough..."
I try to look away but he won't let me..."Liv, you are amazing...I am so proud of you...you are so strong...you took so many huge steps today and the most important of them was that you knew when to stop..."
"But I got you all hot and bothered, and then just stopped..."
"That doesn't matter in the slightest..."
"That's a pretty difficult claim to make Rafael when I can still feel how turned on I got you..."
I can see he is embarrassed by my comment and I immediately regret making it... "I didn't mean that the way it came out Rafael...please don't be embarrassed...trust me, my body is in the same state..." I gently stroke his cheek, "What I was trying to say is that I know it does matter...it's uncomfortable...I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you stopped, and that you're trying to tell me it doesn't matter...but it does matter..."
"No Liv, it doesn't matter...my body is a bit slow in getting the message but the only thing you could have done to hurt or upset me was to try and force yourself to continue when you felt that doubt...the last thing I want is for you to try and push through your limits, I know how strong you are, I know how much pain you can take, but I want to show you pleasure...the very least you deserve is that a man stops when you ask him to..."
His hand is softly stroking my hair as his other arm is wrapped around me. I am aware I am more than half naked, as is he, but I don't feel any urgency to get dressed.
"That felt so good Rafael...my body felt...alive..." the emotions I feel as I realize this, are too strong to corral and tears start to roll down my cheeks...
"What's wrong Liv?" he asks urgently.
"I don't know why I'm crying? It felt so good...I thought I'd never feel anything like that again...after him, I thought my ability to feel like that was gone..."
He relaxes, as he understands that the huge sense of victory I'm feeling is sending my emotions haywires.
"Are you sure it wasn't too much?"
I shake my head certainly, "If anything, it wasn't enough...I know I stopped it, but I wanted more..."
He smiles, shaking his head and kissing my forehead, "No, you were right to stop ..."
A moment passes as he pulls his bottom lip with his teeth, "I was worried every time you progressed things...somehow, now, I feel more confident when you say something is ok...does that make sense?"
I know this is something he is really afraid to say, so the fact that he says it means even more, I nod, "Because now you know I will say stop..."
He nods, holding my head in his hand kissing me, his lips pressed to mine.
"It feels wrong that I just stopped though..."
Again he shakes his head, his forehead crinkling as he struggles to find a way to explain what he is thinking..."You said your body was reacting to what we were doing?" I nod definitely, my eyes rolling unconsciously, "So your body is left...unsatisfied...?", again I nod, "But you wouldn't want me to have continued if I didn't want to...?", I shake my head, "It's the same thing...Liv, it's no different...except it's a little harder to hide what my body thinks..."
"I don't know about that..." I mutter...
"Ok, now you're killing me Liv..." he groans, dramatically rubbing his face as that smirk peeks out.
I can't help the laugh that escapes me.
"I really did feel pleasure Rafael..." these words again, bring forward tears, "I'm just worried how long it might be before I'm ready to... finish things...It's not fair to you..."
"Liv, will you please stop worrying about this? Trust me, I enjoyed what we did, more than I can tell you, ...you may, even have gotten a few clues as to how much I was enjoying it...? You're so beautiful...and I got to see, and touch, and taste...people would kill for less..." he accompanies his last words with a self-satisfied smirk.
"I haven't even thought about my scars..."
He smiles broadly at this.
"I never thought I could forget about them when someone could see them or touched them...but I really forgot..."
"Liv, you are beautiful, really beautiful,...and I plan on showing you a lot more pleasure..." that cocky smirk is plastered over his face.
"Oh really?" I answer teasingly.
"Uh huh" he mutters as his mouth goes straight to a particularly sensitive place on my neck... I can't help the soft moan that escapes my lips.
"And you are going to teach me every little touch you enjoy, every place that you like to be touched..."
The promise in his words causes me to moan again as his lips find mine.
"I like this idea of doing all the sneaky things I used to do just to get close to a girl..."
I laugh, "They weren't that sneaky Rafael...we knew what you were at..."
"What? You mean you never thought that we were worried your skin would burn when we offered to apply sunscreen?" He tries to look shocked...
"I mean, I should probably help you moisturize your skin...wouldn't want it getting all dry..." He starts to massage my shoulders, pretending to rub lotion into the skin...
"Well at least now, you know what you'll be doing tomorrow night..." I say softly, "I do have problems reaching my back to put lotion on...and since you're so good at that...but now, it's bed time..." I can see him smile, and it is clear that he wouldn't mind doing exactly what I half-jokingly proposed...
His arms pull me back to him, "Maybe, it's too soon to sleep... like this..." He gestures carefully to his naked torso...
I can only nod, so grateful to not have to be the one to bring it up.
He gets to his feet, gathering the clothes discarded around the room, he pulls my bra from the pile, holding it out for me to put my arms through the straps, fitting it carefully to my body, reaching around and closing the clasps. As he withdraws his arms, he places a small kiss on the top of each bra-covered breast, and somehow, him redressing me is even more erotic than him taking the clothes off me. He finds my shirt and pulls it over my head, allowing his hands to travel along my body, smoothing it down my torso from the inside...
"You're killing me now Rafael..."
He runs a hand through my hair, smoothing it softly, smiling... "But what a way to go...right?"
He kisses me lightly, cupping my face, looking me in the eye, "You're beautiful"
I pull him to his feet allowing him to grab his bag, leading him to my bedroom again.
When I return from my pre-bedtime bathroom visit, he is dressed in a pale blue t-shirt and pale blue and navy, wide striped, light, summer pajama pants. And after he takes his turn in the bathroom, he crawls onto the bed beside me.
"I meant what I said Liv, you are very beautiful...and I want you to show me how and where you like to be touched...I want to be able to pleasure you..."
For a moment I'm not sure how to answer him, "And I meant what I said, you can help me moisturize tomorrow night...and you can show me how to return that delicious massage you're going to give me..."
He smiles widely, knowing that we have agreed, pulling me into his side, one arm loosely across my shoulders, my hand clasped in his against his chest where I can feel his heart still pounding as I lay my head beside it.