A/N I have a question for anyone who would be good enough to give me feedback at the end of this chapter(It's at the end so as not to spoil anything)...Thanks.

MrsChilton; As always thank you for the review, it mean so much, I'm glad you thought it was a bit sexy and sweet, I'm finding it a bit hard to walk that fine line of showing their progress, and those words in particular caused me a lot of debating...

Intala; As always thank you is not enough...

PiperKitty86; thanks for the follow...it means a lot.

This is a little different because it's from Rafael's perspective, I didn't want to veer from Liv's voice, but it felt necessary, and I've been very conscious of how much pressure he too has been under... "Under Pressure" by Queen/David Bowie

I woke early. At some stage, while she slept she had turned. Her face and body pointed away from me but every part of her that could, still lay along the length of my body. It was as if she moved as she slept, but immediately missed the contact of the warmth of my body and twisted until she recaptured it. I'm not sure she can be comfortable, but she seems to be very contentedly asleep. Her hand still clasps mine even though the arm that owns it is now, twisted back behind her. Her neck is stretched as her head is cushioned on the soft pillow while her body twists back towards mine.

Her brown locks partly cover her face where they must have fallen as her head moved. The rest of her hair rests on the pillow between us, stretching down her neck, past her shoulders and onto her back.

I want nothing more than to push the hair from her sleeping face, to kiss the neck that is extended from the way her head and body twist away from each other, her soft skin almost too much for me to resist.

I am completely overcome with want... As I watch her sleep so peacefully, I want her.

I want more than nearly anything else, to tuck my body in close behind hers, to press my aching flesh against her...I want to wake her with soft kisses tracing their way down her neck, slowly taking off the clothes that hinder my access to her skin. I want her to turn to me, helping me pull our clothes off, encouraging me to help her catch up to my level of arousal. I want to explore every inch of her, I want her to pull my head down her body, showing me where she wants my tongue, my lips, my hands...I want to see her writhing under my attentions, breathlessly, pleading for what she wants, as I gently tease her body. I want her to say my name in that voice I heard last night, that throaty, breathy, voice that screams of arousal and sex. I want her pleasure to peak noisily under my stimulations as I urge her on, I want to see her feel that much pleasure, I want to feel her body tip over the edge, at only the use of my mouth and hands... I want her to plead for more, pulling me onto her, pleading with me to give her what she wants...I want to feel her body under me as I slide into her, to feel her stretching around me, moaning in pleasure. I want to see her moving with me, basking in every sensation our bodies produce...I want to see every inch of her body respond to me as I caress her, to see her breathing change as her pleasure becomes too much, I want to touch her so she can't hold anything back from me, to feel her body pulsing around me as I watch her completely let go...

I lie beside her, as all of this goes through my mind, very conscious of how much I want this. My body won't let me deny my want. The front of my pajama pants is tented, the loose fabric now pulled tight. I reach down to try and adjust myself, to reduce the immense pressure. My own slight touch only making things worse. My need all the more consuming as my body screams for relief.

I'm very aware of the old cliché of men only having enough blood to run one brain as I lie here.

I want her. Her proximity, her smell all around me, is intoxicating.

My breathing is even further evidence of how I feel, as I pant softly.

I very carefully turn over. Moving as slowly and gently as I know how. There is no change in her breathing and no movement as my hand unconsciously moves down my body. I feel harder than I think I have ever been and I can't help wondering if it is because my arousal from last night may never have completely dissipated?

That small thought of last night is enough to bring reality crashing down on to me...

What am I thinking? I'm lying here in her bed, beside her, like this? I try to justify that I can't control the reactions of my sleeping body, but as I look to see my hand slightly rubbing against me as I try to find a more comfortable position inside the confines of my underwear, I am appalled.

I am racked by guilt as I consider what I was fantasizing about only moments ago. This is exactly what she was worried about. What I tried to assure her was fine. I know I would never have acted on the thoughts in my head but somehow the fact that they were there at all feels like a betrayal. Like all my words, my assurances that I wouldn't pressure her, that there was no rush, were some sort of empty ploy to get what I want.

'Pressure pushing down on me

Pressing down on you no man ask for

Under pressure that brings a building down'

I want to quickly dress and leave, but I know how badly that would hurt her, and I don't want to hurt her anymore. I need to do something and I can't let her find me like this so I reach for my phone to check the time, making sure it is a reasonable time to claim I need to go to work. It's later than I though it was, nearly 8am...as I slip out of her bed, heading for the shower quickly before she can wake up.

I quickly lock the door, knowing there is no need to, but unable to stop myself. I start the shower, allowing it to heat as I throw off my clothes. I step under the spray, soaping my hair and body as quickly as I can, again disgusted at the flesh that still betrays me. As the suds run down my skin, I turn the temperature right down, shivering slightly as the cold spray hits me. My muscles tense at the shock of the reduced temperature and it immediately cools my heated passions.

I dry myself off, throwing on the jeans and shirt I had brought for this morning. As I quite often do, on a Saturday morning I choose not to shave, carefully stroking the light stubble that graces my face. I quite like this look and often wish it fitted with my life better.

I quickly throw my nightwear into the bag with any of the other personal items I had pulled out. I quickly debate the merits of waking her or leaving her a note as I stroll back into her bedroom.

I needn't have worried, the sound of the shower must have woken her because she is lying there wide awake.

"Morning Liv" I immediately say basking in the broad smile she gives me, before I can think I have leaned in and kissed her lips softly.

She returns the kiss, letting her arms wind around my neck briefly.

"You're going to be late..." she cautions smiling as she pulls back from me.

I nod slightly as I take the opportunity to grab my keys from where I left them by the bedside. I feel an immense guilt because I had debated just not going in at all today and had already considered how workable it would be, before I woke up like that...

"I'll call you later" I say leaning in for another quick kiss.

As she moves to get up, I gently cup her face, "Stay in bed...you look too comfortable...".

I barely stop the words "I wish I could stay there with you...", and my guilt deepens as I quietly leave.

'It's the terror of knowing

What the world is about

Watching some good friends

Screaming 'Let me out''

I run to my office, immediately immersing myself in anything I can find to distract me from the guilt and self-hatred lurking in the shadows, only waiting for the opportunity to flood out.

I'm by no means the only person working but the hallways lack the regular throng of traffic and I can almost pick out the footsteps that make their way into my office. I have no idea who it is, I'm not expecting anyone, but yet the identity of my visitor still comes as a shock.

I merely nod my head in greeting, gesturing to one of the chairs in front of my desk.

He returns the nod, shrugging into the closest chair.

I close the file I had been working on, looking to him, silently questioning why he is here?

He takes a deep breath as if he has no idea what to say either...

"I wanted to catch you when I thought we could talk?" he says softly.

"And you had nothing better to do on a Saturday morning?" I counter, a lot harsher that I meant to but then again there's a lot I can't control today, why should my tongue be any different?

He raises an eyebrow but passes no comment.

"How is she?" he asks tenderly. I can't help but feel like he is studying me as his eyes never leave me.

I know I should feel a lot more at ease than I do, this man cares for her too and we have spoken like this before.

"I know she has been talking to you a lot too Fin, it's hard for her, but she's really trying not to keep it all inside..."

He nods understandingly..."I guess this isn't what we expected somehow..."

I nod tightly, unsure whether he means the news, or how it happened, or all the other things interwoven into the news.

"She was worried about me..." he says surprisingly levelly... "She knew I needed to talk to someone that wasn't her, to say some of the things I would never say to her...she told Amanda...nearly everything...so that she would understand, and sent her to talk to me..."

I knew she was worried for him and that she had spoken to Amanda but I didn't put it all together, I'm not surprised though, that's classic Liv.

He shrugs as if he knew what I was thinking, "And she's worried about you..."

'These are the days it never rains but it pours'

This surprises me and if it was anyone other than the man that sits in front of me, my surprise may have gone unnoticed but he has seen it.

I can almost see him make the decision to spell it out to me... "She says you have been great, but she knows how hard it has to be, to be so conscious of saying and doing the right things and not scaring her...she wants you to be able to talk to someone..."

Again I can't seem to control what comes out of my mouth..."And what makes her think I'd want to talk to you?"

I see a glimmer of something in his eye before it disappears, "I guess she sent Amanda to me, so it was either me or Carisi?" he shrugs.

"I'm fine" I snap.

'Turned away from it all like a blind man

Sat on a fence but it don't work'

"Yeah cos you sound 'fine'" he snaps back and I see that glimmer again, and I realize he is trying to make this as easy for me as he can.

I raise my hands in apology, my hand scrubbing my face before I look back to him.

"I'm sorry Fin."

He just shrugs off my apology easily, all traces of anger gone. "I've been trying but I can't quite imagine how hard it is for you...I know you care about her...and I know you don't want to hurt her...I've never been in your position."

Now it's my turn to shrug. His eyes narrow and it feels like he's reading my mind...

"I know you're not a big talker either Barba, but sometimes you gotta...not just for you but for her too...like it or not, the stress and pressure is going to get to be too much, what good are you going to be to her if you can't let it out?"

I know how easily Fin reads people and I know that every part of my reaction is screaming at him as he says these words.

"After the beach house, I saw how she jumped as Amaro tried to wrap a blanket around her shoulders...how she almost leapt out of her skin, when I tried to help her up when Harris had...I've seen her try to hide it almost every time she's done it...and I've seen it happen a couple of times in the last few days...it's brought up a lot..."

I can only nod.

"I know it's hard to know sometimes, if it's ok to reach out to her, for fear of scaring her...I can't imagine how hard it becomes when it's the woman you're trying to build a relationship with..."

I feel my jaw tighten, as I try to hold back the words.

"We've discussed this before, sex is hard enough in this job...I can't imagine...but from what she's said you're doing the right things...she knows it's taking its toll though...she doesn't need anymore guilt..."

I can't help thinking that it's not by accident that his final comment doesn't appeal to me it makes an appeal for her, not to make her feel anymore guilt...I think he knows that it is this that would get to me...

"It doesn't feel right discussing her like this..." I almost whisper.

'Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn

Why - why - why?'

"I know man,..." He wipes his hand across his mouth and chin, "but she knows you need to talk..."

I lean back into my chair heavily. He's right I do need to talk...after this morning I feel like I'm about to burst...but I don't want to talk to him. I mentally tick off my options, some sort of support group or a therapist are immediately ruled and I'm out of options...I know he's not shy but it really does feel wrong to discuss her like this with one of her detectives, but he's not here as her detective, that's why he's here today, he's here as her friend, her brother...and my resolve cracks...

'Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking

Can't we give ourselves one more chance

Why can't we give love that one more chance'

"It is hard...I've done as much research as I can...I want to make sure I don't hurt her anymore...and she is amazing, she is talking to me, asking questions, making suggestions, she's trying to help me, guide me so I know what she wants or doesn't want...if she has a nightmare...or just gets scared..."

He nods approvingly.

"Some of the time I know what not to do...and she tries to give me as much information as she can...but when she wakes up and I can feel her fear..." the only way I can finish the sentence is with a shrug.

I can see he understands. "You know she can tell you what she wants or needs...?"

Again I nod, "And she does...she gives me guidelines and then tells me if she wants to be held or not, when she can..."

"Barba, you're doing well...you don't earn that level of trust from Liv for nothing..."

I give him a quick smile for this much needed, complimentary, reminder...

He chews his bottom lip slightly before finishing my thought for me, "But not all situations are so easy..."

My eyes drop to my desk, anxiously studying an almost unseen mark on the front of the file.

"You know you'll have to talk about sex and intimacy in really explicit detail, you can't be shy with her..."

My eyes don't leave the desk and I feel like an embarrassed teenager talking to his parents about sex as I stutter out..."We are...it's not easy for either of us, but we are..."

I can feel his unwavering gaze on me as he tries to figure out what I'm not saying... I know he's drawing deep on everything he has learnt in SVU and meshing it with personal experiences to try and help me, to make it easier on me, so I don't have to say whatever it is I'm so desperately trying to avoid saying...

"So you've really talked about sex, you've made a plan..."

I can't help the eye roll that accompanies the small bob of my head.

''Cause love's such an old fashioned word

And love dares you to care for

The people on the edge of the night'

"Are you both keeping to the plan?"

I'm terrified he thinks I'm doing more than she wants or pressuring her and can't help my head quickly lifting, "I wouldn't pressure her or do anything she didn't want..."

He quickly raises his hands, wordlessly assuring me he believes me. I see him look at me questioningly and my eyes drop back to my desk and I feel a flush of red climbing into my cheeks.

I hear him shift in his chair, leaning towards me, "But you want more, you fantasize about more?"

I want to melt into the floor. I didn't hear any judgment in his voice as he asks the question but I want to be anywhere else as the memories of this morning flood back.

Now he seems to understand..."And your body isn't always reacting the way you want it to?"

I try not to move as the bloom of embarrassment and guilt opens itself out widely, somewhere deep in my stomach, its roots moving to strangle my insides.

"Look man, you know that's biology as well as I do...and she knows it too...you both obviously want more...if you're taking and making plans...she's a beautiful woman, of course you're going to fantasize about her, especially when she's lying beside you..."

My head lifts without my permission, as I wonder how he figured it out...

"You're not dead, it can't be the first fantasy you had about her..." he shrugs.

My resolve long broken, the dam finally cracks and I can't hold the words back anymore, "But after I told her it doesn't matter, than we can work it out, that I'm not pressuring her, all those words, it feels like they were all just empty when I'm lying beside her like that thinking..."

I hear him suck in a deep breath... "That has to be confusing...but they weren't empty words...Like I said, I've never been in your position...it takes a really strong guy to help a woman rediscover sex after something like what Liv has been through...all I have to compare it to, is those feelings you get when you sometimes look at your own penis, and wonder how any man could use his body like that..."

I can't help but meet his eye as he talks...

"We all get them, man, those feelings that we don't want to admit to...she knows and understands, how a body can react to stimulation during a rape, she understands this, she understands how sometimes, it feels like your body is betraying you...she understands how hard it has to be to lie in bed beside her...or to kiss her or touch her and stop...she knows how confusing it has to be...she's probably even more confused..."

I nod deeply at this...

'And love dares you to change our way of

Caring about ourselves'

"I've heard Liv tell so many women over the years, that what happened wasn't sexual, it was violence, and you know what they all say?..."

I've heard this for myself so I finish his sentence..."but it was sex...that's how he hurt me..."

He nods..."I get it...I do...but I don't understand it...and I never want to...I wish I could have protected her from Harris, from Lewis...but I couldn't...and it haunts me..." the last three words are almost whispered, I know he is opening up for me...

"Every detail she tells me, it kills me that she suffered it...and I know there's so much she's not telling me...I don't know what secrets she has kept...I don't know what terrifies her or triggers her...and it probably feels like sometimes you don't either, but whatever you're doing is working...keep talking to her...she trusts you...and that's no small thing...you're supposed to fantasize about her, and knowing Liv she'd probably tell you that..."

I can't help the smile that crosses my face as I bob my head again.

"Don't feel guilty about a fantasy or a hard on...and you're going to have to get over embarrassment about it too...this whole thing is so much more difficult then it should be, you're going to have to talk a whole lot more about it than you're going to want to, and from what little I know, there could be a lot of tears, or panic at inopportune moments, and you'll have to hold her and reassure her...but it will build up in you too...and you have to have an outlet or you won't be able to help her... I could help you find a husbands and boyfriends support group, online or in person, or help you find someone to talk to, or you can talk to me or Amanda... but you have to talk to someone..."

'This is ourselves

Under pressure'

I sigh deeply, again rubbing my hand across my face, "I know..."

"And I understand that some things you won't be able to tell her... she knows that too...and I'll never tell her either... I can help you find answers when you need them..."

I nod gratefully meeting his eyes carefully

"She has had some pretty rotten taste in men...you're a good guy..."

I can't help remembering some of his muttered criticisms and Cassidy directed obscenities but I also can't ignore how he was there for the man as much as he could be during the whole Lewis affair. I never quite understood it until now, Fin was being there for Liv, by being there for her boyfriend so he could, in turn support Liv.

I give him a tight smile "It is a lot of pressure, but she's worth every bit of it...I know we'll make mistakes...we already have, but mostly we've been able to talk it through...I'm terrified I'll do or say something to make it worse...some of what was said to her...it's almost worse..."

He swallows deeply and I know he's thinking of examples... "No one is perfect Barba, not even you with your shined shoes and perfect suits... you will make mistakes, but you don't want to hurt her, that counts for a lot...you can call me, anytime...if it comes to it, I can help you explain your fuck up to her..."

I can't help the smile that accompanies a small chuckle.

"This isn't something you can't tell her...don't make her feel guilty just tell her you freaked out a bit...and you know it's just biology..."

I roll my eyes...meeting his eyes again, thanking him wordlessly.

'Under pressure'

"And Barba, you hurt her..."

I'm as serious as he is, as my heads nods my understanding and agreement at his implied threat, our eyes locked.

'Pressure'

"I mean it, you can call me...anytime..." he reiterates, nodding his head as he strolls back out my door.

A/N ***This is one of those questions, I'm worried asking, but especially after this chapter I've been considering it and would love some feedback...I'm quite a detail person and for me, a big part of this story is the detail, like the things that haunt Liv and Fin from Harris...but the focus is her healing...part of that is her relationship with Rafael and her attempts to reconnect with her sexual side...I think that the leaps forwards she makes on that front, we need to experience a certain amount of what she does, to understand her emotions and her victories and failures...and in this chapter I think we need to know what Rafael's fantasy was because, when I tried it without the detail, I worried if there was something slightly inappropriate in it, that caused him to freak out, I felt when we saw how sweet, kind and gentle his fantasy was, it made it clear that it was the pressure he was under and confusion about how he felt his mind and body were betraying his words and intentions that caused his freak out...without the detail I didn't feel it was so clear at all, it was too fuzzy because he was never going to describe it to Fin, Fin did well to get as far as he got... it's only a bit over 400 words in a nearly 4000 word chapter(this author's note is nearly as long), I try to make it clear to a point, but soften the focus a little on certain things, I try to be very conscious of not being too clinical or too smutty, I know I changed the rating to M, and I hope no one feels it's gratuitous,...but as I progress I wondered how people feel about these type of details, the sexually healing details? I can't promise to do what you want as I'm not sure it works without SOME detail but I'd love some feedback? Please let me know what you think?*****