A/N MrsChilton; Thank you so much...I'm so glad that his fantasy came across as beautiful. It is all about her...
He can't help that he gets excited and it would be a bit of an insult if he didn't, but I guess it's so complicated because nothing is that simple in this situation. Everything seems to have so many more levels. At the end of it all, he is so desperate to not be like the man who hurt her, that even something as simple as a fantasy about her feels like it's just another thing she is unwillingly being subjected to...
Like Fin, I just haven't been in this position and I can't imagine how hard it would be... I'm really glad you can accept it all...
Windsinger89; Thank you so, so much. I'm so glad that you feel I couldn't tell this story without the details. Your words help a huge amount. I had been feeling a little uneasy about the detail in their progressions but it really hit home with Rafael's fantasy...as I said I felt it was necessary and I tried to leave it out, but it didn't work because as MrsChilton pointed out his fantasy was all about her...I suppose I was worrying that I was writing something that sexualized assault...I don't know if that makes sense? It's definitely not what my intention was but I was worried I was crossing into that territory regardless... I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well, but your reassurances have helped me, I feel a little more free to not have to keep removing things that I worry are a little bit too sexy for fear it is 'twisted'...I struggle to know what language to use...to know what is ok...you have eased that worry a little...that's a much bigger deal than it may sound...
Intala; I haven't been able to get your idea of Rafael giving Liv your suggested book, out of my head, thank you so much...I may need a little more info...
FicFriend; Thank you for taking the precious time to stick with me...
Again this is from Rafael's viewpoint, I'm not quite finished with him... "True colors" by Steinberg, Billy / Kelly, Tom, sung by Cyndi Lauper
As I can still hear the sound of his retreating footsteps, I stand up and walk to the window, lost in silent contemplation as I look out at the pale blue sky.
I can only imagine that the quiet man has said more than he thought possible in the last few days, between his talks with Liv and Amanda, and now me. I recognize that he is right, sometimes you have to talk, and I can't help but wonder if Liv has only recently come to this conclusion too?
'You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through'
His words reverberate around my head.
He was right on so many counts.
And he understood all the subtext in my long ago question, about how you can go home to a normal life, to relationships after what we see? I knew he understood I was asking about sex, but he understood even deeper. He has felt the same hatred of his own body, that same disbelief that someone could use their body like that...his honesty has helped me feel so much better.
Just his acknowledgement that he hasn't been in this position and that he can only imagine how hard it is, makes me feel less of a failure. Somehow it feels wrong to even consider how it affects me...after everything she has endured.
I'm not sure I will ever be able to look at another frozen faced, panic-eyed, man desperately trying to find a way to support the woman beside him, through court proceedings in the same way again.
I still have so much to learn...but if Fin with all of his years as an SVU detective and me, an SVU ADA, struggle to find a way to deal with this, how can any man with no training or experience with horrors like this, hope to manage?
I know he means it when he offers that I can call him anytime.
If I was to be really honest, I had been feeling the building pressure, but I felt guilty for it. I felt weak. I felt like none of this should feel like a burden, because of how I feel about her, like I should be able to cope because I want to help her...I would never have reached out...
Not for the first time, I wonder if this is how it feels, to some small degree, for Liv, how it felt for Amanda?
'I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow'
If not for myself, I will talk to Fin or Amanda when I feel the pressure building... for Liv.
Again, I can't help my thoughts flicking to Cassidy, I didn't really know him, but I wasn't a fan...I always felt she could do so much better and I always got the impression I wasn't the only one to come to this conclusion. But as I begin to better understand, more and more I find myself feeling real sympathy for the man. No, not sympathy, empathy...I can only imagine how it must have been for him...for his girlfriend to go to work one day, and for a stranger to return four days later. If I'm feeling pressure two years later, when I have a lot of information and she is talking to me, how must it have been when this was all too fresh, when she couldn't talk to him... No matter my previous opinion of him, he was a good man, he was willing to do a lot for her...
I look to the clock to find it is nearly 2pm and I don't wonder why my stomach is growling angrily, I did skip breakfast and the two empty coffee cups that are in my bin, not to mention the one that didn't even make it this far, haven't helped much.
I know I must have gotten a good three hours work done, before Fin's arrival, and in my hurry to hide away, I was very productive...
I debate leaving now and trying to take Liv and Noah for a late lunch, and working a couple of hours tomorrow, but settle on calling her now, having a quick sandwich at my desk and taking her for dinner instead, leaving me with all of tomorrow to spend with her.
I decide to multi-task, in the hopes of finishing the avalanche of paperwork ten minutes earlier, by calling her as I walk to Starbucks for more caffeine and food.
She answers the phone with her customary "Benson"
"Hey Liv...I'm sorry for the way I left this morning..."
"It's ok Rafael, you were late..."
"It's not ok Liv, look how about I apologize to you properly, later, over dinner? We can go out or stay in, whatever you prefer?"
When she speaks again I can hear the smile on her lips "Would you mind if we stay in?"
"Not at all Liv, it means I can grovel for your forgiveness in private..."
I'm rewarded with a deep chuckle.
"So I hope to finish about 5:30 or 6pm, I might just swing by my place on the way over?"
"Of course, you'll need clothes...at least some of the time..."
"You're killing me Liv...I've to work now with that idea in my head..."
This time I hear a throaty laugh...
"See you soon Liv"
"See you in a while Rafael"
I end the call just in time to place my order. As the barista makes my Venti coffee, and my sandwich sizzles on the sandwich press, I let my mind consider her promise that I'd only need clothes some of the time...
This woman is going to be the death of me, I think, as I debate just abandoning my work...
I shake the images from my head, thanking the young barista who calls my name and hands me my coffee and toasted sandwich with a smile. Uncharacteristically for me, I take the time to read the name printed on her badge, using it to return her call of "have a good day".
I sip carefully on the hot coffee as I make my way back to my desk, debating the implausibility of balancing the coffee while unwrapping and eating the sandwich as I walk. I discount the idea of stopping to open the paper and napkins wrapped around the hot sandwich, deciding on the much wiser idea of not wasting the time and simultaneously allowing it to cool enough to wolf it down.
I am so grateful for the lack of distraction on the weekend, as I unwrap the sandwich and launch myself back into the files.
The only escape I allow myself other than a call of nature, is the quick glance to the clock, and calculation of whether I am still on the schedule I have set for myself, after every few completed tasks.
As I check the last file and am satisfied that my notes are sufficient to recall all of the pertinent facts, I look to the clock, feeling a huge sense of delight to see that it is only 5:20pm.
I cannot resist a quick text...
[Just finishing up now, who knew you had such hidden motivational skills?]
I quickly gather my things, carefully placing any files I may need first thing on Monday, into my briefcase, as my phone beeps.
[I have many hidden skills...]
My mouth falls open. Yep, she's definitely going to be the death of me...
[You're killing me...]
The little dots appear immediately...
[See you soon]
I'm glad no one is around to watch me walk much faster than my customary stroll, out to my car. I immediately head for home.
As I sit impatiently at a red light, I can't help but the see the florist shop brimming with beautiful flowers of all colors. I quickly debate the thought of buying her some flowers... It feels like a cliché, the guy in trouble buying the woman he is trying to plead forgiveness from, a bouquet of flowers. I have no idea if she likes even flowers...or what kind she might like?
I make a decision and quickly pull over, getting out of the car, walking the block back to the florist.
I find myself standing in the middle of the store slightly overwhelmed by the choice...suddenly very unsure of my impulsive decision. The older of two women working in the shop makes her way over to me, "Can I help you, Sir?" she asks softly. She looks to be a similar age to my mother, with light blonde hair pushed gently behind her ears and kind green eyes.
"I'm looking for some flowers...I don't know what she likes..." I start to say, and I see a soft smile spread across her lips.
"They're for a lady friend?"
I nod gratefully as she saves me trying to find a word to describe who Liv is to me.
"Something ornate or a bit more plain?" she gestures to two different bouquets.
"More plain" I state looking at the glitter and odd looking flowers of the more ornate arrangement with bewilderment.
"It's not for an occasion?" she asks.
I shake my head not sure how to explain that I just wanted to romance her a little, to show her some respect, as my abuela would have put it, to treat her like a lady...
'Show me a smile then
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through'
"Just a gesture of affection?" again she saves me trying to explain as I nod approvingly.
She looks around the store, her gaze landing on a selection of black, water filled buckets, before she sweeps around the buckets she had chosen, gathering blooms together, holding them out to me for my approval.
As I move towards her to inspect the chosen flowers, I'm struck by a beautiful smell, "What smells so nice?" I ask quickly.
She reaches into another bucket holding a flower to me, inviting me to smell it
I nod my head eagerly as she adds it to the bunch she is holding. The flowers she holds are lovely, neither too much, or measly, and the last addition makes them smell beautiful. I nod my approval as she starts towards the counter, wrapping them deftly, in green tissue paper and a kind of tougher cellophane that she somehow manages to pour a small amount of water into. She gestures to a rack of ribbons and decorations to her left for me to choose...
I immediately set upon a multicolored toy windmill that I know Noah will adore, and I choose a bright blue ribbon.
She smiles at my choice, gently pushing the windmill into the arrangement of flowers. As she ties the ribbon into a bow I pick out a vanilla scented candle in a small glass jar, I know she loves vanilla, often opting for vanilla flavored coffee, inhaling it deeply before drinking it.
"She's a lucky lady" the woman tells me as I pay.
"No. I'm a lucky man" I correct her, as I thank her, and head back to my car.
'I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow'
In no time, I'm pulling into my apartment and don't waste a second, quickly throwing clothes into my bag, also pulling out a suit for Monday. Putting it into a travel suit bag, I do a last check that I have everything I could need, before locking my door and heading back to the car, glad to be moving again.
I seem to catch every red light in the city but it's not enough to ruin my good mood, as I take the time to smell the flowers and candle that are deliciously infusing my car.
Finally I pull in beside her apartment, zipping the candle into a side pocket of the bag and draping the suit bag over it to allow me a free hand to lock the car and negotiate the front door and its keypad. With everything settled I grab the flowers and head up.
I knock on the door, not needing to be careful of waking Noah or neighbors at this time.
As I step in I hand her the flowers.
She takes them inhaling their scent deeply. "They're beautiful Rafael, thank you..."
I can see there is no need to explain my thought behind them as I look into her eyes.
A delighted Noah has spotted the toy windmill and is toddling over as quick as his little legs will carry him.
Liv bends down to him "I think this is for you Noah?"
I just nod.
"Look Noah..." she says, gently blowing the windmill so the petal shaped blades start to turn slowly.
He claps his hands, pleading for her to do it again, as she shows him how to blow on the side of the petals, when his huge, first attempt results in absolutely no movement, and he scowls. After a few studying tries he has the windmill spinning, and he meanders away to play with it.
I reach into my bag pulling out the candle and handing it to her, "I know you like vanilla...", before dropping the bag to the floor and hanging the suit bag.
As soon as my hands are clear, she pulls me to her, "Thank you Rafael...they're beautiful."
She briefly checks on her son before pulling me into a deep kiss.
'So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors'
Noah is babbling away excitedly, with his new windmill clasped in his hand, as we sit onto the couch.
He comes over crawling up between us and shoving the toy in our faces, one at a time, to get us to spin it for him.
As he starts to tire of this, Liv shows him that he can spin it with his finger too, and again he's entertained, as she tries to calm him as his bedtime approaches.
She asks him if he'd like a story and up he jumps, running to his room. In a matter of seconds he's back out with a book clasped in his hand.
He crawls back up onto the couch, curling contentedly, into his mom as she starts to read from the book.
After a few pages, he is yawning, and Liv tells him to say goodnight to me, and go into bed while she makes his milk.
He clambers off the couch, waving his hand and blowing kisses at me as he gathers his dinosaur, the book and windmill and tries to carry them all to bed. I can't help but chuckle, as I see the exact same look of determination his mom gets, when she is faced with something she has been told is impossible. One of the items hits the floor a couple of times, but he perseveres, shuffling the items repeatedly, and eventually the little boy and the toys make it into bed.
"'I'll only be a few minutes" she says bringing him in a yellow sippy cup of milk, and after a few minutes to change him into his PJ's, she picks up the book where she had left off.
Not long later his little voice is silent and she appears back into the living room.
"He ran himself out in the park, he's just gotten the confidence to go on the bigger slide and it's all he wants to do..." she tells me falling into the couch.
"I don't think he's the only one worn out" I chuckle.
"How can one toddler be so much more exhausting than running a squad of detectives?" she agrees laughing.
"What do you want to order for dinner?" I ask as she considers.
"Italian?" she suggests pulling up a menu on her phone passing it to me to make a choice as I nod.
She places our order, as she gathers two bottles or water and a bottle of red wine, glasses, plates and cutlery, putting them all on the small table in front of the couch.
She arranges the flowers I brought her into a vase and places them in front of us, lighting the vanilla candle, as she dims the lights down to the just the candle and a couple of small lamps.
She crawls back into my arms as I smile at her.
I take a deep breath afraid to bring up the subject but also eager to clear the air, "I'm sorry for this morning Liv"
"There's nothing to be sorry for Rafael, you were late getting up..."
"No Liv, that's not what happened. I was a bit late but it didn't matter...I woke up...with an erection..."
I'm finding this more difficult than I thought I would, after talking to Fin...she has turned towards me and is looking at me with a "so what, no big deal" kind of look.
"I know it's not exactly unusual...but you were asleep and I started...fantasizing about you..."
She hasn't said anything but she still doesn't seem to see any problem.
"I was imagining all the things I want to do with you...and I felt guilty...I freaked out a bit...it felt a bit like my mind and body were betraying all that I had said to you, that I was wrong to be thinking of you like that..."
She opens her mouth to speak but I quickly silence her, "I know it's silly, I know my body was reacting to you, to your presence, to your smell, and especially when I wake up I have very little control over it anyway...I know it's biology...and it's not exactly the first time I've fantasized about you...but it felt wrong there, like that, and I freaked out and ran away instead of talking to you...I'm sorry..."
She nods, her hand reaching up to my cheek, "It's ok Rafael. It is confusing...we're trying to fight biology a little..."
'(When I last saw you laughing)
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you'
"I know, Fin kicked my ass back to sense..."
I see a little smile flicker across her lips at the mention of Fin. "You're not mad at me are you? About Fin?"
I shake my head. "I guess I was at first, a little, but this proved how right you were..."
"It's a lot for you to deal with too, Rafael. Not just the sex stuff, but that's enough on its own...the nightmares, the stuff I tell you...you trying to do and say the right things all the time...As you pointed out, you and Fin know the most about Harris and Lewis, you both know me well and you both care for me...you need to be able to talk to each other,...and I know Amanda is watching out for Fin too...I'd like to think we can talk about everything, and maybe in time we will, but some stuff, we won't want to bring up...we need to be able to have somewhere to figure it out a little first...which reminds me..."
She gets up rooting into a drawer, "I'm guessing you know something about this?" she says holding up the book that completely escaped my memory.
"'The Sexual Healing Journey' I ordered it for you the other day, Thursday, I think...I'm sorry I forgot to tell you, it seemed to be what you had asked about...I hope it wasn't too forward...you don't have to read it..."
She curls back into my arms...kissing me softly. "Thank you Rafael...It must have arrived yesterday but I didn't check the mail...I've only barely started it...I really appreciate the book, and the thought behind it...it might not all apply to me, but I'm grateful for any help it might give me...this means a lot..."
We sit in each other's arms, comfortably waiting on our dinner. I still can't quite believe I'm in Olivia Benson's apartment, that she is in my arms, and we're about to have a relaxed candle lit dinner together, and who knows what else the evening may hold...I had it right in the florist shop... "I'm a lucky man".
'True colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow'