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(No one likes you)
(You're worthless)
(Sasori hates you)
(You have nothing to live for)
(No one would miss you if you disappeared)
(That's right…no one would)
(No one cares about you anymore)
Deidara didn't know when, but at some point, he had finally decided to allow his inner voice total rein over his thoughts.
All that his thoughts consisted of were thoughts of regret…self-hate…self-loathing.
He had tried to calm those down when they had first started appearing, but with the knowledge that they weren't going to go away, he had allowed them to take control.
And taking control was what they were doing.
(Everything about your life now sucks)
(You're alone in a big penthouse)
(Hard to believe Sasori hasn't tried calling you yet)
(But why would he try calling you?)
(He hates you…remember?)
He remembered.
(He slapped you, told you he hated you, then walked away)
(And hasn't returned since)
(He probably lied about loving you, too)
That was a lie.
(Then why isn't he here?)
(Why isn't he here…helping you…getting you back on your feet?)
(Why can't you get out of this yourself?)
(That's right…you're weak; always have been)
(You've never had to work a day in your life)
(Sasori was right on that one)
(When did you ever have to work hard?)
He had had to work hard to get into college and Grad School.
(Sasori had to the do the same)
(Face it)
(You've never known what it's like to work hard for something)
(You'll never understand)
(What's that? Is your phone ringing again?)
(You should probably go get it)
(Or not)
(Just let it go to voicemail, like you've been doing)
(Just too fucking lazy to get your worthless ass out of bed)
…Where was Danna to drown out these thoughts?
(Why are you calling out for your precious Sasori no Danna?)
(He's not coming, even if you call him)
(He hates you)
He needed something – anything – to drown out these voices.
Why had he stopped taking his pills?
(Maybe you wanted to be depressed)
(Maybe you wanted to think bad thoughts)
(Because you hate yourself)
(You hate yourself…right?)
…
(I'll take that as a yes)
(No wonder Sasori doesn't love you)
(Who would love someone so worthless?)
(So unnecessary)
(Look at yourself)
(You haven't been out of the penthouse in days…weeks)
(When was the last time you even showered?)
(There goes that damn phone again)
(It's still lying on the floor from when you threw it before)
(You know what? You should go to bed)
(Escape from this worthless reality you're living in)
He'd already slept enough today.
(No you haven't; you can never get enough sleep)
(Especially when you have nothing to live for here in the real world)
Deidara blinked up at the ceiling.
He could only think of one thing to get rid of these voices.
A drink.
(You think drinking is going to help you?)
(You really have messed up)
Ignoring the voices, he mustered up as much energy as he possibly could and sat up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and standing up.
It was only 3:30 in the afternoon and the sun was shining, but it felt like it was 12 at night and the moon was covered with dark blue clouds.
He shuffled out in the hallway and lousily made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, eyes trained on the cupboard he knew had all the alcohol in it.
(Maybe you should take a Disulfiram)
He threw the door open wide, gaze scanning the assorted bottles of whiskies, rum, beers, etc.
Grabbing the first bottle he saw – a Jim Beam Black – he twisted the cap off and took a swig.
It burned like hot fire all the way down into his stomach, where it settled harshly on the minimal food he had eaten that day.
He took another swig.
Then another.
And then another.
He sat down at the island.
Took another swig.
Looked out the windows towards the other buildings.
Another swig.
Thought about Sasori.
Took another.
He continued to take swigs until the voices disappeared.
Until everything disappeared.
Until everything became numb.
Numb.
No thought reached him…
…no emotion hit him…
…no nothing.
He couldn't sense anything.
He took another swig, putting the empty bottle down and grabbing another one from the same shelf.
He was going to continue until not even the mention of Sasori's name affected him.
Sasori lay on his bed, gazing up at the ceiling with mild interest.
Other than the coffee with Hidan and the phone call with his boss, it had ended up being a rather boring day. Despite his hatred of the cold weather, he had found himself lolling the sidewalks of the city for most of the day, face buried in his scarf and hands dug deeply into the pockets of his jeans.
And as he had walked, he zoned out every thought in his mind until his entire attention had focused on one thing.
Deidara.
And even as he relaxed on his bed, his brain was still wrapped around the blonde.
He felt stupid.
Ashamed.
Stupid for not checking in on him more regularly and ashamed for not having done so sooner.
Because from what Hidan was saying earlier…
His roommate wasn't in the best of shape right now.
Was he still taking his pills?
That's what was causing the most of Sasori's worry.
He gripped his phone in his hand tightly.
The last time he had tried calling, it had gone to voicemail, only to have the damn automated message tell him that the inbox was full.
Hopefully the brat had gone through them since and deleted most.
Otherwise any new attempt to reach him would be futile.
He should go over and check up on him.
…Right?
Sasori heaved a deep sigh.
Sure he was in love with Deidara.
But it had been more than long enough since he had last cared about someone so strongly before.
Growing up with not a lot of tender loving care often made people senseless towards the idea and emotion of caring. Sure he had had his grandmother to support him through his endeavors and challenges, and sure, he had had Pein there along for the ride, but other than that, he had never had anyone he cared about.
Most of his family hated him.
His grandmother was slowly starting to forget him.
Pein more or less kicked him out which had forced him to find a place of his own.
If it hadn't been for Itachi…he and Deidara probably never would have met after the brief encounter in the café.
The café.
The redhead nearly laughed at the memory.
He must've looked like such a teenager at the time; the tips of his hair dyed bright green, piercings all in and completely visible for the world to see, and an outfit that would have competed with any hipster kid in high school.
Since then, yes, he had kept the piercings, but his clothes had definitely changed. He had lost the bright green dye a few weeks back, but now he wore clothes that seemed tailored more to his own personality.
Dark wash jeans and a solid color button up with rolled up sleeves was his daily outfit of choice.
He'd gotten rid of the skinny jeans, the assortment of plaid shirts (keeping a few, but getting rid of most), beanies, and even the high tops he'd had since high school.
And it wasn't because he had wanted to change for Deidara.
That was one reason.
But another was because he had wanted to change for himself.
Despite Deidara's mental and physical problems, his presence in the redhead's life had changed him in ways he hadn't been expecting.
In ways he couldn't really describe in words.
Because how Deidara made him feel was indescribable.
Even though he had explained to the blonde why he had fallen in love with him…in looking back…those weren't the only reasons.
Delving deeper, he realized he would never be able to completely convey his feelings in words.
…So why was he laying here, on his bed, moping like a prissy teenage boy whose mother refused to allow him to go see an R-rated movie with his friends?
Why wasn't he back at the penthouse, kissing his lover before they drifted off into sweet dreams together in the same bed?
Why was he at Pein's apartment?
Why weren't his arms wrapped around Deidara right now?
Why wasn't he with him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear until the light of dawn shined through the windows?
Why was he acting like such a dumb ass?
Even he couldn't answer that question himself.
Sasori closed his eyes.
He would call tonight.
Try to reach out once more.
Then go and check on him tomorrow after the meeting.
Seemed fair enough for both of them, he guessed.
Scrolling through his contacts, he found Deidara's number and touched the Call button.
He knew to expect the voicemail.
*Beep* This is Deidara Hayashi, un…
God, that speech impediment of his was adorable.
At the tone, please record your message. Otherwise you may hang up and try again later.
He waited…
We're sorry –
He hung up.
Only one other option.
The house phone.
Clicking the number, he waited for the voicemail.
You have reached the voicemail box of the Akasuna and Hayashi residence. We are not…at the tone, please record your message. Otherwise you may hang up and try again later…*Beep*
"Hey, Deidara, it's…um…it's Sasori. I just…wanted to call and see how you were doing. I'm sorry I haven't been back in so long. I've just…needed time to recuperate and figure things out with my job. My boss called me earlier and asked me to come in tomorrow night. Probably to discuss my status…a-anyways, I also met up with Hidan today. You've got so many people worried about you. Why haven't you been to work? Ino's going crazy at this point and Hidan's just…I don't know, it's Hidan, he's your best friend, not mine. But Dei…you've also got me worried. I'm sorry I haven't been there if you're going through something. My hope is, is that you're still taking your medication. Um…I'll be coming by tomorrow after my meeting. I…I want to see you. I want to talk…face to face. I just…I need you Dei and walking out like I did was a stupid mistake on my end. I'll go before the stupid thing stops me. But Dei, never forget this…I'll always love you…no matter how angry or upset I get. I'll never stop loving you."
And with that, he ended the call.